Dreary Days

As I look out my window at work and watch the rain my heart seems to reflec the same. Why, I wonder? It always seems to take me a long time to process and figure out what is going on in my head and heart. Although a long time is better than not at all.
It's amazing how we can look back on our lives and see the hand of God at work constantly and consistently. I remember when I lived and worked in the Philippines and did not thoughtfully and purposefully process my feelings, thoughts, situations, and heart emotions at all. It was almost as if the bombardment of me, myself, my sin, my humanity, along with the poverty stricken, lost, and hurt people of the Philippines was too much. I could not take it in, as it came at me from all sides, 24/7 each day. Therefore, I just began to block things out, I guess to store them in a place in my mind to where they wouldn't bother me, wouldn't affect my mood or day. As time went by good things that I wanted to process and feel were as a result blocked out as well. There came a point in time, around this time last year when my fortified concrete dam holding all of those reserved (blocked out) emotions, situations, feelings, thoughts, etc... shattered into a million pieces and I was flooded with me and all of that which I had stored away.
As I look back I am so thankful that the Lord broke through that fortified wall that I was trying so hard to sustain. I am so thankful that now He works and moves me by His grace, and although it might take a couple of days or even a week, things will become clear in my head and my heart. He, in His Holy Spirit that lives in me works and moves in mysterious ways; The Comforter of my heart and soul teaching, convicting, leading, guiding, rebuking, etc.... day to day.
As I look back I am dumbfounded at my blind and stubborn ignorance of trying to live a life apart from Him just a year ago. The humanity of my heart not wanting to feel the pain of a lost child that I loved so dearly not wanting to accept the love of the Lord. The depth of compassion not wanting to see all of those young children on the street begging for food, asking for money, needing, needing, needing just to survive. The frailness of my being not able to stand under such deep despair that was before my eyes. The natural mother in me wanting to love all of those helpless children to the best of my ability and falling so so short. The tender heart that I have to give to those in need, and yet my giving didn't satisfy a tenth of the starving and dying in the Philippines. And to top it off the depth of sin in me that oozed from my every pore and affected me every single day, every single hour, minute, second..... it was all inescapable.
How could anyone stand under the weight of this kind of hopelessness without having a hope inside to uphold and sustain?
As I look back now and continue to process even things that I experienced two years ago. I can see now that I cannot do anything alone! I cannot process and make sense of anything in this life without the comfort and truth of Jesus. How could I look in the face of poverty and process the need that was before me without realizing that the child's heavenly Father loves him much more than I do. Obviously I couldn't.
It is sickening to be able to see clearly now, that then I was trying to be a creature without depending on the Creator who made me. I can't process things in my head and my heart without first falling on my knees before the throne of God, my Father, Creator, Comforter, Savior, wise King, Redeemer, Friend, Shepherd....
How do I make sense of things now, and of things past? I discuss them and bring them before the God who made me, who knows me better than I know myself; The God who can give joy when there is sorrow, who can heal sickness, who can make glad the broken hearted, who can forgive sins, who relates in every way with humanity, who can change a heart of stone into a heart of flesh, the God who can basically do anything.
What an awesome God! Why would I live a minute apart from His compassionate and comforting gaze? That is what "coram deo" means: before the face of God.
Now that He has given me a saving, loving, dependant, life giving and sustaining heart knowledge of Him, I don't want to be, live, or process this journey anywhere else other than before His face...... coram deo.