Mid Weak Jesus

It's been one of those weeks! One of those... turn it off for a lil' while, just do me weeks. But sometimes those weeks can be just as crazy as a normal go gettum week! It's been a busy 100+ newspaper letter week. It's been a pull together photography details week. It's been a headache working on website week. It's been a frustrating are you serious week. It's beeen a can I please run away week. It's been an I'm extremely thankful my rents live with me week. It's been a every little thing annoying week. It's been a hatred for food allergies week. It's been a sore, because I've slacked and haven't worked out in 2 months, week. It's been a my faith is weaker than pond water week. It's been a can I please do something right for once week. It's been a please go away and leave me alone week. It's been a what did I do wrong again week! It's been one of those frickin weeks, weaks, whatever!!
Thankfully, the Lord knows exactly what I need, because we have mid-week church tonight. A Maundy Thursday service that happens only at Easter time! WHEW! Thank you Jesus for giving me a big ol dose of You mid-weak! I need some Jesus and a lot more than I realize I think... and I realize it much this week! Therefore, that must mean I'm severely worse off than I even know! AHHHHHHH!
Thank You for mid-week Jesus!
Is it 6:00 p.m. yet?!

Gold Stars + Kiss My Arse

This post is the beginning of many... I got the idea from a photographer I follow. Her version is kisses + disses, and as you can see I added my own flare! hahaha! I was just thinking of things that I like and don't like and thought, hey, why not share! So here's to many more to come...

gold stars...
a quiet day at the office... because it just doesn't happen that often!
new cd's/musical artist I never knew I loved so much!
the Cross and Jesus on Easter weekend! Where would I be without Him?!
caller ID... because telemarketers drive me crazy!
friend's birthdays! YEY!
rain boots
a website that will come soon... one day I hope! ha!
soreness after exercising... I know, I'm just weird! :)


kiss my arse...
terms of endearment... Honey Pie?! Really?! You don't even know me! I'm NOT your Honey Pie!
fair weather friends
food allergies
getting back into exercising regularly...haha!
roaming glaring eyes of men... need I say more? Other than barfola!
expectations... shoulds and have to's. I don't do em, sorry!
last but not least, sin... an ongoing problem, good gosh I need Jesus!

I know a picture says a thousand words, but I didn't want to picture the 'kiss my arse' category! haha!
:)

Pick a Petal, Any Petal

Some days, I want life to be simple! I want to rewind all the way back to grade school, on the play ground with a daisy in hand, slowly pulling off one flower petal at a time, not a worry in the world other than hesitantly going around, petal to petal, slowly making it to the last petal...he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, etc. Surely I'm not the only one who did that as a kid?!
Actually these days, my heart wavers back and forth. As a Christian, I don't speak it out loud, but I might as well because He already knows my heart. It's as if I could pull over on the side of the road, on my way to work... pick one of these daisies and begin ...trust the LORD, don't trust the LORD, trust the LORD, don't trust the LORD, trust the LORD...as I pull off each petal to the end, leaving my decision resting on the last petal.
I actually made a clay model of this issue last year. It's a hand which represents the LORD's hand. There's also a separate clay heart that can be placed in the hand or taken out. The same pedalology just with a clay creation. Last year on my way out the door I would make my decision, as if it's really up to me, and I would either remove my heart from His hand, or leave it in His clutches for the day. It's a very visible model of what I go through, back and forth, back and forth, in my heart.
THERE! All you refined, holy looking, sin hiding, have it all together, secretly rebellious, Christian saints! I said it out loud! I STRUGGLE DAILY TO TRUST THE LORD!!!
This week I've been trying to fight it. I've been trying to deny it. I've been trying to be okay. Yeh, not working so well for me. Never does! Daily I struggle to trust the Lord with my heart. Daily I don't want to surrender my heart to a God who is good, but not safe. Daily I struggle to trust His plan and purpose, knowing my heart's desires and deepest longings, yet not knowing His. This week I have tried my best to hide my heart, tuck it away tightly behind some freshly lain brick walls, to keep any new hurts from reaching it. hahaha, I can be such a two year old! I swear!
My struggle constantly reminds me of a young child who covers his eyes. With eyes covered he is hiding. You are standing right in front of him, but in his mind you can't see him, well, because he has covered his eyes to you. You can't see me he says. Then removes his hands and you say boo, or pee-pie!
It frustrates me to no end that my default nature is to hide my heart from the LORD. When I hear or feel that Aslan is on the move, I hide. My heart screams deep blood curdling screams of fear...run, hide, protect yourself! He's coming and you never know what He's bringing with Him!!! Will it be hurt, pain, disaster, heart ache, surprises, suffering, revelation of sin, joy, smiles, happiness, conviction, persecution... I never know what He's doing! How He's working! What He's got coming just around the corner! That scares the hell out of me!
I think my heart at this point in my life is weary. It seems to whisper to me daily, I've been through enough hurt and pain, can we just stay safe for today? Can we hide and rest from the unknown storm that swirls around for even a couple hours?
But then, even now as I am typing, I know deep down that no matter where I run, no matter how deep I try to hide, I cannot hide from the LORD. I can't tuck my heart away from His reach. I can't shut Him out. No matter how tight I cover my eyes... He doesn't go away.
"Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there you hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me." -Psalm 139: 7-10
I must admit some days this thought doesn't bring me comfort. But when I stop to really think... If I truly had the choice of going through this life with or without Him. I could never make it without Him! The trials, heartache and pain are going to come regardless, whether I'm with Him or running from Him. The Truth my head is trying to force my heart to believe is that, He is here, regardless of life's situations, He is here with me and He is for me, and He will never leave me nor forsake me. Promises. Promises that He will keep. Promises that He's got me. Promises that He's holding me, not me holding onto Him. Promises that He'll carry me to completion. Promises that He will fulfill. Promises that should bring me peace, comfort and hope... but if I'm honest, some days they don't. Praise His Holy and Merciful Name, that even on these days He stays. He promises and is always faithful, whether I am or not! Praise Praise Praise His Name!
LORD Jesus, I know you're here. I know I can't hide my heart from You. Deep down I think I really don't want to...please open my eyes to your love, grace and goodness. Jesus help me to believe in You, when everything in me says RUN! I believe, just barely I believe, please help my overwhelming unbelief!?!

The Simple Things

Ya know, it's just the simple, little things in life sometimes that mean so much and bring a smile to my heart! Like...
A new favorite musician, Adele! Her new album "21" is AMAZING!
A sweet best friend who walks through the ups and downs of life, no matter what!
Sunshine
New flower beds
working in the dirt with my MoMMa
Getting things accomplished
A walk with a precious godly woman
Having my MoMMa and DiDDy at home with me
Having my hair played with by my DiDDy
New CD's for my photography clients
several good sleeps
working on a new website
...sometimes it's just in the random, small things in life that bring smiles. I'm beginning to see and realize even in the smallest of details, the Lord can break in, pour in His grace and hope to make the days a lot brighter!
He is my everything, even in the smallest details, even on the days where I'm trying to do everything without Him, He breaks through. He's here, He's at work! He really is THE BEST whether I acknowledge that or not! I believe LORD Jesus, please help my stubborn rebellious unbelief?!

Boil It Down to Trust

It's been a few days...I took some time to just rest, sat in the sun, worked in my flower beds (pix to come soon!), played in the dirt, turned my mind off and just played some.
It all came to a screeching halt when my heart and mind started turning again Sunday afternoon. It amazes me how I deal with something. I settle it in my mind. I take it before the Lord. I give it over. I think I'm done with that issue. I leave it, walk away and shut my mind off to it. Then kaboooooooom! Something happens to trigger that whole issue again and I have to go around the circle again!
So Sunday afternoon and evening I was stewing in my heart and mind. I tried to lie to myself and say this most recent pin prick didn't reach my heart. It didn't pierce through. It's not bothering me! Liar liar pants on fire! haha!
It went a little something like this. It didn't bother me. I don't want to go through this again. I've dealt with that issue already. Why can't I lay it to rest? Why does something have to stir $#!+ up again? Yesterday I shut it off. I just closed it down and said, nope, not doing this today! Not dealing with this again!
Today, I can't turn it off as easy. My heart and head are back to whirl winding on me! ha! My thoughts started this morning, when I had to get up yet again to go to work. My alarm went off, I pushed the snooze and only got up the second time because I hate being rushed in the mornings. I grudgingly got in the shower to wake up and thought I'm sick of this! I have to get up Monday through Friday and work and I don't want to! haha! Now before you go assuming and call me a spoiled snot, let me explain.
I have the best job in the world! If I have to work, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else! I have a fabulous boss who loves me like a granddaughter. I definitely couldn't hand pick a better boss. Both are blessings straight from the Lord!
My begrudging attitude has nothing to do with those things. It has to do with work in general. It goes back to the deep longing and desire that I have to be a wife and mother. I feel God has given me gifts and a calling; gifts and a calling that are lying dormant right now. Gifts that I don't use sitting behind a desk daily. A calling that makes me feel as though I'm wasting my time from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. It's not that I don't love what I do, it's just not what I feel called to.
So the whirl winding keep going as I frustratingly pick out something to wear each day, then I put on a smile and answer the phones and make it through another 8 hours. I struggle because I feel like my life is passing before me and I'm wasting it away behind a desk, pushing papers and writing letters.
I heard it in the shower this morning and tried to dismiss the thought and obviously I couldn't because I'm writing. The thought came to me... Lindsey, are you going to trust me with your life, no matter what, where or who I send your way? I pushed it away and kept going, until I was sitting at work and heard... Lindsey, this is really out of your control! What can you do about it? You've tried to fix this yourself and it never, I mean never, ends well! Look at what I've done for you, given you, blessed you with...when are you going to trust Me?, My goodness?, My purpose?, My best for you? When are you going to stop griping, grumbling and complaining like a two year old who doesn't get her way and pitches a fit? I am here. I am all you need for anything in life. I am your everything! Trust me...
Okay Lord, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay... I hear you! I'm giving it back over again. I might have to do it again tomorrow, and maybe on Thursday too! Oh, and next week, on Monday, please be gracious... cause Mondays suck! :)
Through tears I see again my doubts, fears and rebellion. I see my self rise up again and again saying He doesn't care about me, He's not here, He's not for me, He doesn't want what's best for me, He's punishing me, being cruel not giving me what I want. I am so sinful to think I can even do life on my own. I am so sinfully independent to try and deal with it myself, when I have a Father who knows my heart and just wants me to come to Him with all the whirlwinds in there. I am so hesitant to trust. I always go down the road of experience says... but today I'm stopping, halting right in the middle of that road and saying, but Truth says...
Jesus is my everything!
He has a purpose and a plan for my life. He has given me gifts to use creatively for His glory. He is here. God is at work. Jesus lives in my heart. He goes with me to work everyday. He cares, loves and knows me. He is good. God is love...
I don't have the answers. I can't predict the future... Lord only knows how much I wish I could! But even as tears pool and I say those words... if I knew everything I wouldn't need a Savior! So what it all boils down to in the end... when the whirlwind dies down... or in the midst of its raging... am I going to trust the Lord with all my heart, mind, body, soul and life?!
Jesus, I want to trust You! I believe, please gracious God, help my unbelief?!

He is...Everlasting

The past two days I can best describe as overwhelming, end of my rope days. That doesn't seem to do 'em justice, but it'll have to do for now. I have barely made it through eight hour days at work, as I'm exhausted from emotionalness, running myself ragged, lack of good rest and giving too much of myself. Therefore, I have ceased everything for the time being. I've come to work, pushed through, been productive and then limped home to sit in the sun in my back yard.
I carried my chair out near my Josephs Coat rose bush that is busting with blooms and plopped, sat, slouched and did nothing but tilt my head up and soak up some sun.
You can only guess the realization that hit me while sitting in the sun...duh Lindsey, I can only do and give sooo much...
I thought I knew this already and was living it out, but obviously I have been sucking it up in this area. Obviously I have given a lil too much, done a lil too much, not rested near enough and not taken care of me at all...because I completely lost it Tuesday. Everything seemed to be swirling around me like enveloping torrents of wind from a tornado, or maybe a black hole. Everything that I fear, care about, deeply desire, every struggle, heart ache and pain seemed to surface at once and I just knew for sure that I was going under!... Sooo, I've heeded good advice and parked my arse under the sun for the past couple days and done absolutely nothing besides soak in some Vitamin D and rest. As I was sitting doing nothing, of course my mind was still going, going, going, swirling, swirling, swirling... etc. etc. etc. ha! you get the idea...
But as I sat there with my face turned to the sun I was reminded of a simple, basic, essential Truth... that my stubborn @$$ forgets so often and easily.
God... Creator, Sustainer, Savior, Father, Refuge, Redeemer, LORD... IS!
I know... simple, right?!
It's just so easy for me to forget. In the midst of life I take my gaze off the God that keeps me alive... I get busy. I have photo shoots. I have picture editing. I have a full-time job. I have friends hurting. I have heart aches of my own. I have life sweeping before my eyes. I need to pay bills. I still haven't done my budget. I have a niece and two nephews that I don't spend enough time with. I have things I want to do. There are ways I want to serve. I have paintings sitting in my room, blank canvases, waiting to be filled. I have debt I want to pay off. Conversations to be had. Wedding shoots coming up. Spiritual warfare to fight. Parties to be planned. I have issues to resolve. I have friends I want to show I love. I want to exercise everyday. I want to kill sin in me. I want to be a living light. I need more hours in a day. Relationships I want to invest in. Gifts I want to use. Dreams I want to come true. Oh... did I pray today. I haven't read my Bible in days... swirl, swirl swirl... makes your head spin too huh?!
In the midst of all that doing I forget to be still and know that He is God.... not me! As I sat under the sun, the warm falling all over me like a comforting blanket, it suddenly hit me... no matter what is swirling, God always is. No matter what deadline or pressure... He is. No matter what relationship I invest in... God is. No matter what heartache I struggle with... God is. No matter if I budget or not... He is. No matter if I am overwhelmed... He is. No matter if I can't do it all... God is!
Why does it take such drastic measures for me to realize I need Him. In this whirlwind of life... God is, God remains, He is the same yesterday, today and forever! No matter what may come in life... God is. He's the only Constant. He's the only Truth that remains. He's the only blessing that stays. He's it. He's all. He's everything!
Maybe I need to sit and gaze at the Son a lot more often!
Jesus, in my weakness, I believe, help my unbelief?!

Everlasting God... the song that fits what the LORD is as I rest in Him...

R + R

After a near catastrophic emotional breakdown yesterday... I have been forced to realize that sleep, rest, relaxation, down time, stopping to refresh oneself, lying down, cessation of exertion or labor, being at ease, being tranquil, being quiet, ceasing from motion, coming to rest, stopping, becoming or remaining inactive.... however you want to say it... to be still and know that He is God is a must!
Exhaustion and overwhelming emotion do not mix well! Understatement of the century! ha!

Every man's got to know his limitations -Clint Eastwood
And let's just put it this way... I hit my limit yesterday!
I am not superwoman, bionic woman, or any of those other super heroes in tights!, so I'm being intentional in resting...R + R...Rest + Relaxation...
Yey me! ha!
:)

Just Breathe

"When my soul was embittered,
when I was pricked in heart,
I was brutish and ignorant;
I was like a beast toward you.
Nevertheless, I am continually with you;
you hold my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will receive me to glory.
Whom have I in heave but you?
And there is nothing on earth
that I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever...
...But for me it is good to be near God;
I have made the Lord God my refuge,
that I may tell of all your works."
- Psalm 73: 21-28

This morning was overwhelming with too much to list. My chest was heavy, thoughts racing, emotions high, tears flowing, energy hovering on E. Some days are just heavier and harder than others. When I really process through life, it's sometimes hard, painful really.
Today I have concentrated on breathing. haha, sounds easy enough, but when it hurts so much deep down in there, it hurts to breathe. Every now and then I take a deep breath and I can feel that heavy ache in my heart.
The first thing that came to mind was my flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Welp, today it feels as if my flesh and my heart are failing me. I can't see the purpose, the light, the answers, the good, His glory.
But I do see Him here, holding me together, helping me to just breathe... I believe, help my unbelief with each breath?!

Sandpaper + Bubbles = POP!

I love when light bulbs go off! Especially when a bulb dings regarding something I've been mulling over, struggling with, working through... While driving yesterday with my sweet Momma, a light bulb in my head and heart went ding ding! :) We were discussing my recent frustrations; my Momma is the best listener hands down... really the best Momma I've ever had! hahaha!
This is somewhat of how it went....
I am so frustrated that I don't feel like I can properly greive, cry, be sad, think or work through things without rubbing up against others who are not okay with me doing this. Nowadays I have really low days, sad days, crying days, frustrating days, processig days. On these days, when I am working through things my normal mode is to get really quiet. I am not my normal happy, smiling, bubbly, talkative and bouncy self. I stay to myself more, don't talk as much and do a lot of thinking.
It's happened just about every single time that, on these days, I encounter at least one person who has the brilliant inconsiderate advice of just smile, be happy, brush it off, don't let it get ya down...
I'm thinking, really?! Is that really what you want to say to me?! Obviously there is something going on and you want me to just smile and be happy?!
It's as if my mood and obvious sadness makes them uncomfortable. I completely understand not knowing what to say to someone who is going through a hard time, I've been on that end, but let me just confirm to just smile and be happy is in no way encouraging! So when this is the message I get from people around me, my usual remedy to the issue (which is really their issue, not mine) is to put a fake smile on my face and pretend I am okay for the time that I am physically in front of them. WOW! When I spell it out like that... that is just retarded!
For the longest time, it's been bothering me as to why people can't just let me be. I didn't get why it bothers people so much for me to not be happy, for my mood to not be bubbly. The greiving process has hurt like hell, but honestly the hardest part has been dealing with those around me that won't let me greive in front of them!
So Momma and I kept discussing and this is where the ding hit! I don't remember who came up with it, but the light bulb lit between our two heads, so there... ha!
In this world, in America especially, there is an unspoken shallowness that everything is good or fine. When you pass someone on the street you flippantly ask, 'how are you?', and keep on walking, because you're just being southern and fake friendly not because you really want to know. Americans work so hard at having it all together. We structure out worlds, jobs, families, houses, yards, friends, emotions, and interactions to have it all together. We set up our miniature god-like world where we are the boss, and where we control what goes on. We depend solely on ourselves, independent (or so we think) of outside help. We buy, build, spend, and flaunt to try and fool ourselves that nothing is wrong. We put a smile on and act like we are the happiest creatures on this planet. This is where the rub comes... When someone (like me) doesn't hold themselves together, and lets pain, heartache, brokenness, sadness, depression, tears and frustrations show through, it's like sandpaper rubbing up against a freshly blown bubble.
Not only are people uncomfortable with my brokenness that is showing through. They also feel helpless to fix me and selfishly don't want my pain to ruin their fake happy lil' bubbles that they've worked so hard to fortify. It's like we humans do whatever we possibly can to insulate ourselves in our bubbles as we float along so carefree and happy  in the sky, avoiding, living ignorant, and turning a blind eye to what is really going on in the Earth that we are trying so hard to float over.
I can't judge here, because I used to work so hard at denial. I'm the queen of ignoring heartache and hurt feelings and painful emotions! I hate when my heart hurts! I used to do anything and everything to run away from heartache. But God, through His severe mercy and grace has me in a place of life where I am hurting and I can't run. I can't fix myself, I can't make the heart ache go away. I can't bring about the dreams I long for. So I ache, I cry, I hurt deep... and now on the other side, I am like the sandpaper to the bubbles of others around me. Why?
Because we as sinful humans are not okay with realizing and admitting our brokenness and neediness! Why would anyone want to live broken and needy? Why would anyone want to admit their own helplessness to fix themselves? Why would anyone want to feel their own heartache that they can't magically make disappear? The only reason to live outside this self-made bubble of happiness is if there is someone outside of me that's holding me up.
The only reason I am okay with being hurt, depressed, sad, down, low, tearful, broken, needy and helpless is because I know I am not the one that is holding me together to begin with. I no longer have a fake world of happiness to uphold. I no longer exercise control that I really don't have. I no longer think that I can fix myself... therefore I live broken, hurting, needy and helpless. The LORD popped my bubble and I fell right into the palm of His hands.
This doesn't set well with others. hahaha! Especially when they are working so hard to not realize all the above. So, just yesterday, I decided I am going to genuinely be sandpaper. As much as it hurts others, I refuse to be fake and act happy when I'm crushed inside. I refuse to put on a smile if it's not what is in my heart. I won't wallow and I won't greive without hope, but I will greive, ache and cry.
In this phase of my life, in this brokenness, in this extreme neediness, in this heartache... I will unintentionally burst bubbles. Not out of meanness, but out of my genuineness in living. Therefore, as I burst bubbles of fake happiness around me; As I intrude into lil' held together happy domains with my tears; As I live genuinely where God has me at each moment, day by day... I will show forth my weakness, pain and brokenness. While I live through this heart ache and pain, I will be genuine to who I am, showing forth my need for a Savior to hold me together.
I will be the sandpaper, not to show forth myself. I'm not asking for sympathy, charity, fixing, or empathy. I'm asking you to look deeper...to open your eyes and see that there is more to this life than floating in your happiy ignorant bubble, above the reality of a broken and needy human race, before a compassionate and loving God. So watch out bubble floaters... your world is about to be rocked! Or should I say popped?!

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamitites. For when I am weak, then I am strong." - 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 

Retinal Reflections

I sat in church Sunday... Communion was being served. Beautiful, worshipful music was coming from the piano. An amazing sermon was just preached and taken in regarding the huge heart of God to forgive us our sins. I sat in awe. I sat aware of how small I really am. I sat with my heart heavy and eyes opened to my sin-fullness. I sat knowing myself well enough to know I don't love the Lord as He deserves. I sat knowing my independent, rebellious heart. I sat full of guilt. I sat staring at the huge wooden cross which hangs in the front of our Church. With tears flowing down my face, I sat and stared at the cross of Christ, where my forgiveness and key to life lies. I closed my eyes... praying the Lord would forgive me for my innate tendencies to run from Him.
As I closed my eyes, I could still see the cross. I had stared at it for just long enough for it's image to burn in my retina. I sat looking at the reflection of the cross in my closed eyes... and prayed Lord keep me here, at Your Cross, always seeing it before me!? Please keep me here?! Hold me here?! As I prayed the retinal burned reflection of the cross I was seeing faded away slowly. Therefore, I had to open my eyes to look on the cross again.
It was a great imagery for me, for my heart. If/when I look upon the Cross of Christ for any length of time, then even when I look away I can still see Him for a time. But in my sinfully deceitful wicked heart I can't keep Him there in the forefront of my mind and heart. I stray... way too easily I stray. Trials and tribulations come, life happens, I close my eyes in fear, or run the other way in survival mode and the Cross fades, and I keep going, making my own way. When I don't see it anymore in my line of sight, I think He has left, He's gone, left me here, alone.
If only I would open my eyes again to gaze upon His Cross. He's always here. In one act of rebellion I simply close my eyes to Him. I might not run every time, although it's more often than I like, but nonetheless I willingly close my eyes to Him and it doesn't take too long to forget Him. Sad but true...
What a good reminder to turn my eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face... and the things of Earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace.
Jesus, I believe, help my unbelief?! And keep my focus and gaze upone You alone!?