I love when light bulbs go off! Especially when a bulb dings regarding something I've been mulling over, struggling with, working through... While driving yesterday with my sweet Momma, a light bulb in my head and heart went ding ding! :) We were discussing my recent frustrations; my Momma is the best listener hands down... really the best Momma I've ever had! hahaha!
This is somewhat of how it went....
I am so frustrated that I don't feel like I can properly greive, cry, be sad, think or work through things without rubbing up against others who are not okay with me doing this. Nowadays I have really low days, sad days, crying days, frustrating days, processig days. On these days, when I am working through things my normal mode is to get really quiet. I am not my normal happy, smiling, bubbly, talkative and bouncy self. I stay to myself more, don't talk as much and do a lot of thinking.
It's happened just about every single time that, on these days, I encounter at least one person who has the brilliant inconsiderate advice of just smile, be happy, brush it off, don't let it get ya down...
I'm thinking, really?! Is that really what you want to say to me?! Obviously there is something going on and you want me to just smile and be happy?!
It's as if my mood and obvious sadness makes them uncomfortable. I completely understand not knowing what to say to someone who is going through a hard time, I've been on that end, but let me just confirm to just smile and be happy is in no way encouraging! So when this is the message I get from people around me, my usual remedy to the issue (which is really their issue, not mine) is to put a fake smile on my face and pretend I am okay for the time that I am physically in front of them. WOW! When I spell it out like that... that is just retarded!
For the longest time, it's been bothering me as to why people can't just let me be. I didn't get why it bothers people so much for me to not be happy, for my mood to not be bubbly. The greiving process has hurt like hell, but honestly the hardest part has been dealing with those around me that won't let me greive in front of them!
So Momma and I kept discussing and this is where the ding hit! I don't remember who came up with it, but the light bulb lit between our two heads, so there... ha!
In this world, in America especially, there is an unspoken shallowness that everything is good or fine. When you pass someone on the street you flippantly ask, 'how are you?', and keep on walking, because you're just being southern and fake friendly not because you really want to know. Americans work so hard at having it all together. We structure out worlds, jobs, families, houses, yards, friends, emotions, and interactions to have it all together. We set up our miniature god-like world where we are the boss, and where we control what goes on. We depend solely on ourselves, independent (or so we think) of outside help. We buy, build, spend, and flaunt to try and fool ourselves that nothing is wrong. We put a smile on and act like we are the happiest creatures on this planet. This is where the rub comes... When someone (like me) doesn't hold themselves together, and lets pain, heartache, brokenness, sadness, depression, tears and frustrations show through, it's like sandpaper rubbing up against a freshly blown bubble.
Not only are people uncomfortable with my brokenness that is showing through. They also feel helpless to fix me and selfishly don't want my pain to ruin their fake happy lil' bubbles that they've worked so hard to fortify. It's like we humans do whatever we possibly can to insulate ourselves in our bubbles as we float along so carefree and happy in the sky, avoiding, living ignorant, and turning a blind eye to what is really going on in the Earth that we are trying so hard to float over.
I can't judge here, because I used to work so hard at denial. I'm the queen of ignoring heartache and hurt feelings and painful emotions! I hate when my heart hurts! I used to do anything and everything to run away from heartache. But God, through His severe mercy and grace has me in a place of life where I am hurting and I can't run. I can't fix myself, I can't make the heart ache go away. I can't bring about the dreams I long for. So I ache, I cry, I hurt deep... and now on the other side, I am like the sandpaper to the bubbles of others around me. Why?
Because we as sinful humans are not okay with realizing and admitting our brokenness and neediness! Why would anyone want to live broken and needy? Why would anyone want to admit their own helplessness to fix themselves? Why would anyone want to feel their own heartache that they can't magically make disappear? The only reason to live outside this self-made bubble of happiness is if there is someone outside of me that's holding me up.
The only reason I am okay with being hurt, depressed, sad, down, low, tearful, broken, needy and helpless is because I know I am not the one that is holding me together to begin with. I no longer have a fake world of happiness to uphold. I no longer exercise control that I really don't have. I no longer think that I can fix myself... therefore I live broken, hurting, needy and helpless. The LORD popped my bubble and I fell right into the palm of His hands.
This doesn't set well with others. hahaha! Especially when they are working so hard to not realize all the above. So, just yesterday, I decided I am going to genuinely be sandpaper. As much as it hurts others, I refuse to be fake and act happy when I'm crushed inside. I refuse to put on a smile if it's not what is in my heart. I won't wallow and I won't greive without hope, but I will greive, ache and cry.
In this phase of my life, in this brokenness, in this extreme neediness, in this heartache... I will unintentionally burst bubbles. Not out of meanness, but out of my genuineness in living. Therefore, as I burst bubbles of fake happiness around me; As I intrude into lil' held together happy domains with my tears; As I live genuinely where God has me at each moment, day by day... I will show forth my weakness, pain and brokenness. While I live through this heart ache and pain, I will be genuine to who I am, showing forth my need for a Savior to hold me together.
I will be the sandpaper, not to show forth myself. I'm not asking for sympathy, charity, fixing, or empathy. I'm asking you to look deeper...to open your eyes and see that there is more to this life than floating in your happiy ignorant bubble, above the reality of a broken and needy human race, before a compassionate and loving God. So watch out bubble floaters... your world is about to be rocked! Or should I say popped?!
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamitites. For when I am weak, then I am strong." - 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
deep and poetic
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