Boil It Down to Trust

It's been a few days...I took some time to just rest, sat in the sun, worked in my flower beds (pix to come soon!), played in the dirt, turned my mind off and just played some.
It all came to a screeching halt when my heart and mind started turning again Sunday afternoon. It amazes me how I deal with something. I settle it in my mind. I take it before the Lord. I give it over. I think I'm done with that issue. I leave it, walk away and shut my mind off to it. Then kaboooooooom! Something happens to trigger that whole issue again and I have to go around the circle again!
So Sunday afternoon and evening I was stewing in my heart and mind. I tried to lie to myself and say this most recent pin prick didn't reach my heart. It didn't pierce through. It's not bothering me! Liar liar pants on fire! haha!
It went a little something like this. It didn't bother me. I don't want to go through this again. I've dealt with that issue already. Why can't I lay it to rest? Why does something have to stir $#!+ up again? Yesterday I shut it off. I just closed it down and said, nope, not doing this today! Not dealing with this again!
Today, I can't turn it off as easy. My heart and head are back to whirl winding on me! ha! My thoughts started this morning, when I had to get up yet again to go to work. My alarm went off, I pushed the snooze and only got up the second time because I hate being rushed in the mornings. I grudgingly got in the shower to wake up and thought I'm sick of this! I have to get up Monday through Friday and work and I don't want to! haha! Now before you go assuming and call me a spoiled snot, let me explain.
I have the best job in the world! If I have to work, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else! I have a fabulous boss who loves me like a granddaughter. I definitely couldn't hand pick a better boss. Both are blessings straight from the Lord!
My begrudging attitude has nothing to do with those things. It has to do with work in general. It goes back to the deep longing and desire that I have to be a wife and mother. I feel God has given me gifts and a calling; gifts and a calling that are lying dormant right now. Gifts that I don't use sitting behind a desk daily. A calling that makes me feel as though I'm wasting my time from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. It's not that I don't love what I do, it's just not what I feel called to.
So the whirl winding keep going as I frustratingly pick out something to wear each day, then I put on a smile and answer the phones and make it through another 8 hours. I struggle because I feel like my life is passing before me and I'm wasting it away behind a desk, pushing papers and writing letters.
I heard it in the shower this morning and tried to dismiss the thought and obviously I couldn't because I'm writing. The thought came to me... Lindsey, are you going to trust me with your life, no matter what, where or who I send your way? I pushed it away and kept going, until I was sitting at work and heard... Lindsey, this is really out of your control! What can you do about it? You've tried to fix this yourself and it never, I mean never, ends well! Look at what I've done for you, given you, blessed you with...when are you going to trust Me?, My goodness?, My purpose?, My best for you? When are you going to stop griping, grumbling and complaining like a two year old who doesn't get her way and pitches a fit? I am here. I am all you need for anything in life. I am your everything! Trust me...
Okay Lord, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay... I hear you! I'm giving it back over again. I might have to do it again tomorrow, and maybe on Thursday too! Oh, and next week, on Monday, please be gracious... cause Mondays suck! :)
Through tears I see again my doubts, fears and rebellion. I see my self rise up again and again saying He doesn't care about me, He's not here, He's not for me, He doesn't want what's best for me, He's punishing me, being cruel not giving me what I want. I am so sinful to think I can even do life on my own. I am so sinfully independent to try and deal with it myself, when I have a Father who knows my heart and just wants me to come to Him with all the whirlwinds in there. I am so hesitant to trust. I always go down the road of experience says... but today I'm stopping, halting right in the middle of that road and saying, but Truth says...
Jesus is my everything!
He has a purpose and a plan for my life. He has given me gifts to use creatively for His glory. He is here. God is at work. Jesus lives in my heart. He goes with me to work everyday. He cares, loves and knows me. He is good. God is love...
I don't have the answers. I can't predict the future... Lord only knows how much I wish I could! But even as tears pool and I say those words... if I knew everything I wouldn't need a Savior! So what it all boils down to in the end... when the whirlwind dies down... or in the midst of its raging... am I going to trust the Lord with all my heart, mind, body, soul and life?!
Jesus, I want to trust You! I believe, please gracious God, help my unbelief?!