Mid Weak Jesus

It's been one of those weeks! One of those... turn it off for a lil' while, just do me weeks. But sometimes those weeks can be just as crazy as a normal go gettum week! It's been a busy 100+ newspaper letter week. It's been a pull together photography details week. It's been a headache working on website week. It's been a frustrating are you serious week. It's beeen a can I please run away week. It's been an I'm extremely thankful my rents live with me week. It's been a every little thing annoying week. It's been a hatred for food allergies week. It's been a sore, because I've slacked and haven't worked out in 2 months, week. It's been a my faith is weaker than pond water week. It's been a can I please do something right for once week. It's been a please go away and leave me alone week. It's been a what did I do wrong again week! It's been one of those frickin weeks, weaks, whatever!!
Thankfully, the Lord knows exactly what I need, because we have mid-week church tonight. A Maundy Thursday service that happens only at Easter time! WHEW! Thank you Jesus for giving me a big ol dose of You mid-weak! I need some Jesus and a lot more than I realize I think... and I realize it much this week! Therefore, that must mean I'm severely worse off than I even know! AHHHHHHH!
Thank You for mid-week Jesus!
Is it 6:00 p.m. yet?!

Gold Stars + Kiss My Arse

This post is the beginning of many... I got the idea from a photographer I follow. Her version is kisses + disses, and as you can see I added my own flare! hahaha! I was just thinking of things that I like and don't like and thought, hey, why not share! So here's to many more to come...

gold stars...
a quiet day at the office... because it just doesn't happen that often!
new cd's/musical artist I never knew I loved so much!
the Cross and Jesus on Easter weekend! Where would I be without Him?!
caller ID... because telemarketers drive me crazy!
friend's birthdays! YEY!
rain boots
a website that will come soon... one day I hope! ha!
soreness after exercising... I know, I'm just weird! :)


kiss my arse...
terms of endearment... Honey Pie?! Really?! You don't even know me! I'm NOT your Honey Pie!
fair weather friends
food allergies
getting back into exercising regularly...haha!
roaming glaring eyes of men... need I say more? Other than barfola!
expectations... shoulds and have to's. I don't do em, sorry!
last but not least, sin... an ongoing problem, good gosh I need Jesus!

I know a picture says a thousand words, but I didn't want to picture the 'kiss my arse' category! haha!
:)

Pick a Petal, Any Petal

Some days, I want life to be simple! I want to rewind all the way back to grade school, on the play ground with a daisy in hand, slowly pulling off one flower petal at a time, not a worry in the world other than hesitantly going around, petal to petal, slowly making it to the last petal...he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, etc. Surely I'm not the only one who did that as a kid?!
Actually these days, my heart wavers back and forth. As a Christian, I don't speak it out loud, but I might as well because He already knows my heart. It's as if I could pull over on the side of the road, on my way to work... pick one of these daisies and begin ...trust the LORD, don't trust the LORD, trust the LORD, don't trust the LORD, trust the LORD...as I pull off each petal to the end, leaving my decision resting on the last petal.
I actually made a clay model of this issue last year. It's a hand which represents the LORD's hand. There's also a separate clay heart that can be placed in the hand or taken out. The same pedalology just with a clay creation. Last year on my way out the door I would make my decision, as if it's really up to me, and I would either remove my heart from His hand, or leave it in His clutches for the day. It's a very visible model of what I go through, back and forth, back and forth, in my heart.
THERE! All you refined, holy looking, sin hiding, have it all together, secretly rebellious, Christian saints! I said it out loud! I STRUGGLE DAILY TO TRUST THE LORD!!!
This week I've been trying to fight it. I've been trying to deny it. I've been trying to be okay. Yeh, not working so well for me. Never does! Daily I struggle to trust the Lord with my heart. Daily I don't want to surrender my heart to a God who is good, but not safe. Daily I struggle to trust His plan and purpose, knowing my heart's desires and deepest longings, yet not knowing His. This week I have tried my best to hide my heart, tuck it away tightly behind some freshly lain brick walls, to keep any new hurts from reaching it. hahaha, I can be such a two year old! I swear!
My struggle constantly reminds me of a young child who covers his eyes. With eyes covered he is hiding. You are standing right in front of him, but in his mind you can't see him, well, because he has covered his eyes to you. You can't see me he says. Then removes his hands and you say boo, or pee-pie!
It frustrates me to no end that my default nature is to hide my heart from the LORD. When I hear or feel that Aslan is on the move, I hide. My heart screams deep blood curdling screams of fear...run, hide, protect yourself! He's coming and you never know what He's bringing with Him!!! Will it be hurt, pain, disaster, heart ache, surprises, suffering, revelation of sin, joy, smiles, happiness, conviction, persecution... I never know what He's doing! How He's working! What He's got coming just around the corner! That scares the hell out of me!
I think my heart at this point in my life is weary. It seems to whisper to me daily, I've been through enough hurt and pain, can we just stay safe for today? Can we hide and rest from the unknown storm that swirls around for even a couple hours?
But then, even now as I am typing, I know deep down that no matter where I run, no matter how deep I try to hide, I cannot hide from the LORD. I can't tuck my heart away from His reach. I can't shut Him out. No matter how tight I cover my eyes... He doesn't go away.
"Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there you hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me." -Psalm 139: 7-10
I must admit some days this thought doesn't bring me comfort. But when I stop to really think... If I truly had the choice of going through this life with or without Him. I could never make it without Him! The trials, heartache and pain are going to come regardless, whether I'm with Him or running from Him. The Truth my head is trying to force my heart to believe is that, He is here, regardless of life's situations, He is here with me and He is for me, and He will never leave me nor forsake me. Promises. Promises that He will keep. Promises that He's got me. Promises that He's holding me, not me holding onto Him. Promises that He'll carry me to completion. Promises that He will fulfill. Promises that should bring me peace, comfort and hope... but if I'm honest, some days they don't. Praise His Holy and Merciful Name, that even on these days He stays. He promises and is always faithful, whether I am or not! Praise Praise Praise His Name!
LORD Jesus, I know you're here. I know I can't hide my heart from You. Deep down I think I really don't want to...please open my eyes to your love, grace and goodness. Jesus help me to believe in You, when everything in me says RUN! I believe, just barely I believe, please help my overwhelming unbelief!?!

The Simple Things

Ya know, it's just the simple, little things in life sometimes that mean so much and bring a smile to my heart! Like...
A new favorite musician, Adele! Her new album "21" is AMAZING!
A sweet best friend who walks through the ups and downs of life, no matter what!
Sunshine
New flower beds
working in the dirt with my MoMMa
Getting things accomplished
A walk with a precious godly woman
Having my MoMMa and DiDDy at home with me
Having my hair played with by my DiDDy
New CD's for my photography clients
several good sleeps
working on a new website
...sometimes it's just in the random, small things in life that bring smiles. I'm beginning to see and realize even in the smallest of details, the Lord can break in, pour in His grace and hope to make the days a lot brighter!
He is my everything, even in the smallest details, even on the days where I'm trying to do everything without Him, He breaks through. He's here, He's at work! He really is THE BEST whether I acknowledge that or not! I believe LORD Jesus, please help my stubborn rebellious unbelief?!

Boil It Down to Trust

It's been a few days...I took some time to just rest, sat in the sun, worked in my flower beds (pix to come soon!), played in the dirt, turned my mind off and just played some.
It all came to a screeching halt when my heart and mind started turning again Sunday afternoon. It amazes me how I deal with something. I settle it in my mind. I take it before the Lord. I give it over. I think I'm done with that issue. I leave it, walk away and shut my mind off to it. Then kaboooooooom! Something happens to trigger that whole issue again and I have to go around the circle again!
So Sunday afternoon and evening I was stewing in my heart and mind. I tried to lie to myself and say this most recent pin prick didn't reach my heart. It didn't pierce through. It's not bothering me! Liar liar pants on fire! haha!
It went a little something like this. It didn't bother me. I don't want to go through this again. I've dealt with that issue already. Why can't I lay it to rest? Why does something have to stir $#!+ up again? Yesterday I shut it off. I just closed it down and said, nope, not doing this today! Not dealing with this again!
Today, I can't turn it off as easy. My heart and head are back to whirl winding on me! ha! My thoughts started this morning, when I had to get up yet again to go to work. My alarm went off, I pushed the snooze and only got up the second time because I hate being rushed in the mornings. I grudgingly got in the shower to wake up and thought I'm sick of this! I have to get up Monday through Friday and work and I don't want to! haha! Now before you go assuming and call me a spoiled snot, let me explain.
I have the best job in the world! If I have to work, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else! I have a fabulous boss who loves me like a granddaughter. I definitely couldn't hand pick a better boss. Both are blessings straight from the Lord!
My begrudging attitude has nothing to do with those things. It has to do with work in general. It goes back to the deep longing and desire that I have to be a wife and mother. I feel God has given me gifts and a calling; gifts and a calling that are lying dormant right now. Gifts that I don't use sitting behind a desk daily. A calling that makes me feel as though I'm wasting my time from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. It's not that I don't love what I do, it's just not what I feel called to.
So the whirl winding keep going as I frustratingly pick out something to wear each day, then I put on a smile and answer the phones and make it through another 8 hours. I struggle because I feel like my life is passing before me and I'm wasting it away behind a desk, pushing papers and writing letters.
I heard it in the shower this morning and tried to dismiss the thought and obviously I couldn't because I'm writing. The thought came to me... Lindsey, are you going to trust me with your life, no matter what, where or who I send your way? I pushed it away and kept going, until I was sitting at work and heard... Lindsey, this is really out of your control! What can you do about it? You've tried to fix this yourself and it never, I mean never, ends well! Look at what I've done for you, given you, blessed you with...when are you going to trust Me?, My goodness?, My purpose?, My best for you? When are you going to stop griping, grumbling and complaining like a two year old who doesn't get her way and pitches a fit? I am here. I am all you need for anything in life. I am your everything! Trust me...
Okay Lord, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay... I hear you! I'm giving it back over again. I might have to do it again tomorrow, and maybe on Thursday too! Oh, and next week, on Monday, please be gracious... cause Mondays suck! :)
Through tears I see again my doubts, fears and rebellion. I see my self rise up again and again saying He doesn't care about me, He's not here, He's not for me, He doesn't want what's best for me, He's punishing me, being cruel not giving me what I want. I am so sinful to think I can even do life on my own. I am so sinfully independent to try and deal with it myself, when I have a Father who knows my heart and just wants me to come to Him with all the whirlwinds in there. I am so hesitant to trust. I always go down the road of experience says... but today I'm stopping, halting right in the middle of that road and saying, but Truth says...
Jesus is my everything!
He has a purpose and a plan for my life. He has given me gifts to use creatively for His glory. He is here. God is at work. Jesus lives in my heart. He goes with me to work everyday. He cares, loves and knows me. He is good. God is love...
I don't have the answers. I can't predict the future... Lord only knows how much I wish I could! But even as tears pool and I say those words... if I knew everything I wouldn't need a Savior! So what it all boils down to in the end... when the whirlwind dies down... or in the midst of its raging... am I going to trust the Lord with all my heart, mind, body, soul and life?!
Jesus, I want to trust You! I believe, please gracious God, help my unbelief?!