For All of Us

"The gospel...should be seen as not only a message of good news for lost people to be saved from sin's penalty, but also a message of good news for Christian people to be saved from sin's domineering power. The goal of the gospel is not merely to forgive us, but to change us into true worshippers of God and authentic lovers of people."
-Dr. Steve Childers, True Spirituality

Sometimes...Saturdays

Sometimes... honestly I don't want to wake up early on Saturday too!
Sometimes... it feels like I don't have a single day to just be at home.
Sometimes... ministry feels like an interrupting sacrifice of time and self
Sometimes... I'm tired & need 5 cups of coffee to keep me there and going.
Sometimes... I dread waking up to be there early to set up.
Sometimes... I grumble and complain.
Sometimes... cleaning up after 21 & 12 girls is a laborious chore. 
Sometimes... I wanna do only what I wanna do on my Saturday mornings.
Sometimes... I am my own worst enemy.

But... 
Sometimes... I get to SC and a hug melts away all my selfishness
Sometimes... watching girls squish their hands in cookie dough brings a smile to my face.
Sometimes... seeing them having fun splashing each other while washing dishes makes me laugh.
Sometimes... hearing their excitement to be there makes me excited.
Sometimes... investing in their lives keeps my heart open.
Sometimes... watching them full of energy at 9 a.m. makes me covet, haha!
Sometimes... I giggle watching them snitch a chocolate chip, thinking I never saw. 
All the time... I walk away thankful I got up and went. 
All the time... I am grateful for each precious girl that comes.
All the time... I love to love on those sweet girls. 
All the time... afterwards, as I leave, my heart smiles a big smile of joy in the Lord and serving in His Name.

If only sometimes I could just get ME out of the way so I could live for HIM on my Saturday mornings! :)

Simple Jar of Clay

"For what we proclaim is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, with ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake. For God, who said, 'Let light shine out of darkness,' has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. So death is at work in us, but life in you."

- 2 Corinthians 4: 5-12
This is one of my favorite verses...
Why?!
Because God who formed me from the dust continues to fashion me into His vessel, a simple jar of clay. He chose me from before time began and loved me enough to reveal the knowledge of Himself to my soul. And as I live from day to day in this broken sinful world, I am realizing that He will not let me go. I do not hold on to Him, but He holds me by His righteous right hand! 
What makes this so amazing is that I can live from day to day in the security and freedom of a relationship with Him. There is no pressure for me to be perfect or to reach any high standards, because I am not wanting anyone to look at me. I live and write on this blog to share my weakness, faults, failures, sinful thoughts, and sometimes God inspired wisdom, but only sometimes. :) I don't write to show off myself. I don't write to teach anyone, I don't write to correct others in their sin, I don't write to rebuke anyone... I write to show my weaknesses, therefore boasting His grace that He pours into me every single day of my rebellious life. I am only a jar of clay, I am His jar of clay, but clay nonetheless. I have a clay jar on the side of my tub, it has some beautiful turquoise swirls in it, but honestly it's not a gorgeous awe striking thing of beauty. The reason I like the imagery of being His jar of clay is because it's not the jar itself that is valuable, it's what the jar holds inside. And no matter how many times I turn and run from Him, no matter how often I  (the lump of clay, haha) question Him and His goodness, no matter what way I sin and provoke Him to His face... He remains in me. There is honestly nothing I can do to empty myself of the valuable glory that I am filled with. Trust me, over this year, I've tried! And ya know, I hate that I try all those things... I can't stand the fact that I'm rebellious, doubting, questioning, and wretchedly sinful! But ya know, I can't change that about myself, and what's so amazing is He loves me, just as I am and promises to not leave me as I am. Everyone as a sinner goes through the same exact things, so why not be honest and admit what I'm struggling through? How freeing, to know that He thought of me (broken, sinful, wretched, rebellious me), created me, formed me, fashioned me specifically, unique and simple; and He filled me with the glory of the knowledge of Himself in the face of His Son. WOW!
And I am coming to a point of realizing that no matter how much shit I go through in this life, no matter what hardship, suffering, trial, tribulation, affliction, perplexity, injustice, or death I live through... nothing can touch the glory inside of me. As His jar of clay I can be broken, smashed, burned, etc. and yet the glory that I carry will only flow out. See that's the beauty of the true Gospel, I am nothing, but I know I AM!!! I have no hope and nothing good to offer anyone other than what He's done for me. And honestly you have to catch me on a really good day for me to know that I know that I know that. I can't even keep a clear consistent focus on Him! Praise God that He holds me! Praise God that His grace grip is stronger than any of my rebellion. 
I am so thankful that He has brought me to a place in my life where I can be honest and real with myself and others around me. I don't pretend, I don't hide my sin, I don't strive for perfection... I LIVE, day to day I wake up and see a wretched sinner in the mirror, a jar of clay that has been through a mess of a hell already, and I'm absolutely positive there's more to come, because I'm not dead yet and at home. 
So all I can do is hope and trust in Him. Easy for me? That's a big ol' NO! But I've got to hold to Him who created me, chose me and saved me. I have to believe that He has a purpose for me in this life. I've got to hold to the simple fact that He did shine the glorious knowledge of Himself into my heart, so that I do know Him and love Him! Therefore I hold to the truth that He holds me and will guide me with His counsel and will one day lead me into glory with Him.
So for now it's lil steps of faith, faith that is given me, ugh! I can't even come up with that on my own. Prayer that really seems more like a conversation, and only happens when the Holy Spirit puts it in my heart and mind to pray. His Word which I am fighting tooth and nail to read to learn more about my God. Fellowship with precious believers that challenge me, convict me, hold me accountable, and reveal Him to me.
See, so once again, this whole thing is not about me. It's about Him whose eye is on me, whose hand holds me, and whose Son loves me and died for me. I am a simple, broken jar of clay and He is my life and my very existence. Without Him I wouldn't exist, without Him I wouldn't know God, without Him I would seriously not be here today, without Him I would've lost it and escaped, without Him I would be on the road to Hell going in boisterous flaming blazes, without Him I would still be dead, without Him I would never make it through this life, without Him I would crumble, without Him I wouldn't be who I am... His Jar of Clay. 

:o) Just Kidding!

Ok nevermind...
After giving it some thought, I've decided just to deal. 
I love my blog too much & I love my friends who know my heart and walk through this life with me. 
Sorry for the confusion.
There is no new blog... it's just the same ol same ol :)
Love yall, 
Lindsey Scott, 
Author


* But still feel free to email me! haha! :oP

The 411

Due to complications and ongoing frustrations with this blog, ALS Coram Deo is moving! :)
If you follow aLs Coram Deo on a regular basis and would like to continue, email me and I'll give ya the 411... kountrygirl710@gmail.com 
Thanks for your love, support and encouragement.
Come by and see my new spot! 
Give me a holla!
Lindsey Scott, 
Author

Gospel Peace Prevailing

You are unique said God to me,

No one on earth can duplicate thee,
I gave you special gifts and qualities
that in no way can be mimicked with ease...
Yes Lord, I now humbly bend my knees.

Butterflies and photography my loves,
certainly, as any eye can plainly see.
My joys are unique and gifts from God to me.
Yet striving I see in earnest plea,
but in the end only imitation left to be.

Fixation of the kind I believe,
but difficult in the mind to retrieve
acknowledgement of wrong doing
from blinded sin disordered and ongoing.

Sneaky gifts showered at times,
intentions coerce, deceive and connive?
I do not know, God judges the heart,
but partake of these, No, I will depart,
instead focus, humble and surrender my heart.

Half truths told a name plunged in mud,
Personal thoughts read, reversed, taught with a thud,
Slander spoken, fire started, the Body of Christ parted.
So heavy hearted it seems hopeless at times
then I'm reminded of Him who speaks my rhyme.

Is the point to kill, steal & destroy,
to taint and ruin all of my joys so real,
or is it all just a simple ploy
for selfish gain and needy appeal?

Say there's change evident?
But little if any at all I see.
Evidence points still to wrong indeed,
which makes me furious for a while,
but in return shall never hurt or beguile.

Anger and frustration bubble from within,
but I in my Lord will never give in.
Sin is sin over and over again,
Yet He is my Shelter, Father and Friend.

A past between, yes indeed,
But henceforth I have no need.
That chapter closed forever more
never again to be restored.

Fairness, a gift for me to give?
That time yes passed and once was lived.
Grace given, over abundance the kind,
so now rest I with peace of mind
knowing that God will be found
through wise counsel of Reformed renowned.

Try and try and try, effort displayed,
there is not a word that I will say.
An open door I will not give,
but by grace and abundant peace live.

I am finding my joy in Christ alone,

which is set, chosen, carved in stone.
Still I moan under the grief of intrusion,
yet my heart aching knows the conclusion.

So I pray God heal and mend the soul,
this kindness mine as heaped burning coal.
He is my Healer, Protection, Rock and Care
and this is One I'm more than willing to share.

Christ is sufficiently enough the Gospel to share.
He will never no never leave us impaired.
All of us change most certainly do need,
but only to please One burning eye need heed.
Lord Jesus Christ have mercy please,
on my wretchedness, a sinner I am indeed.

This is the Only Hope to which I cling,
all others will fail to make my soul sing.
So to You I run and hide my breaking heart,
at Your side I shall cleave and never depart,
because You my Creator have set me apart.

Unique, beloved daughter, so special to You
only because of Your faithful mercy and grace,
demonstrated on Your beloved Son's face,

brutally hung on a cross, a death just for me.

Gospel indeed loving,victorious, joyous, free and true,

lifts my heavy heart, soul and mind to You.

Happily Ever After?...

So yesterday I posted a quote on my facebook that read, "Lindsey thinks life is a lot easier when you DON'T believe in Happily Ever After...who feeds us this lie anyways!!!
I had a great friend write back and ask "What about the Gospel?"
What a great question, and one worth me sifting through my thoughts on this.
I don't want to blaspheme here, so please don't take this as the Gospel. My view on this may be different than yours just because of what I've been through in life and where I am right now and the reality that I live in...
My thoughts are that "Happily Ever After" only comes in the after of life. I think so often, starting at a very young age, we, girls especially are fed lies that in this life we can find love, fulfillment, or happiness, and that we will experience that happily ever after dream. I've lately made it an objective to unravel the deception of where I truly live. Denial of reality is a huge problem in our lives. I've accepted the reality of the broken sinful world that I live in and the effects that it will forever have on my life in this world.
I am currently reading Broken Down House by: Paul David Tripp, and am constantly reminded that I fall for this lie way too often. The lie that happiness is attainable here... that we will live happily ever after. And honestly believing this lie as a Christian can be even more damaging than a non-believer. One reason being that this is a lie that God never promised. So when life does not hand us our happily ever after on a silver platter (I'll speak for myself), I turn to God and question, why don't you want me to be happy? Why is my life not working out the way I want? Are you punishing me? This lie is outright deception, and it started in the Garden...spoken from the lips of a serpent, named Satan, who slyly put ideas in Eve's mind of more and better, making her question God's motives and goodness and offering false deity to her.
This is one truth we should not deceive ourselves of... this world is sinfully broken, I am sinfully broken, God never promised me happiness here in this world. He promised that He would be here always with me, that He would redeem me and carry me through the crappiness that can come from life as sin taints every corner of this universe, messes up our good intentions, breaks down good things, makes relationships messy, inflicts hurts and disappointments, creates frustrations, teases us with the deception of autonomous control, and makes happiness here unattainable.
Now, don't get me wrong, I think there are times in life when God, the giver of all good gifts, gives us brief glimpses of happiness from eternity like the sun bursting through thick clouds on a dark dreary day. Joy from the Lord pops into our lives in spontaneous spurts giving us hope, picking up our chins and focusing us once again not on the darkness around us, but on what He's at work doing and on Him who is returning one day.
But for me, and what I have lived and seen so far, I refuse to let myself be deceived again by the lie that this life and things in this life can give me the happiness of Eden that I was created for. Maybe that is a glass half empty view, but Christ had to walk a long life of hardship, suffering, brutality, all the way to the Cross, all for me and my sins... how is that happy? The only happiness I see is His victory over the grave, the redemption of my soul, but it came through His death. How horrific that the Son of God had to die the worst death imaginable and carry my wrath from God and separation from His Father to save me from the sin that entagles every fiber of my being.
So what has brought me to accepting the reality of this broken sinful world and not the happily ever after deception?... God's grace opening my eyes to the reality of:
- watching and living in the nuclear fallout of child abuse
- seeing sin steal love and safety from families
- watching children starve to death in the Philippines
- watching innocent girls sold into sex slavery
- living amongst unbearable poverty
- feeling my sinfulness and the damage it has done to others
- my inability to stop putting God's glory on something else in His creation
- being the most productive idol making factory around
- death leaving behind loved ones in it's wake
- hurting friends who are separated from spouses because of war
- war to begin with
- aftermath of messy relationships
- sinful autonomous rebellion boiling up in me before the face of my Creator
- relationships taking the place and glory of God
- watching lost friends flounder in the grief of life without the hope of Christ
- sinners seeking anything and everything to satisfy our emptiness, outside of God
- Christian parents helplessly watching children wander from the Lord
- wonderful godly mothers straining under the "curse" of child rearing because of the fall
- helplessness that comes from not being in control
- living the frustration of being created for perfection and living in a perfect relationship with Christ and not being able to attain either because of this sinful world I live in and my own self centered idolatrous desire to sinfully live for myself...
ALL of this reality that stares me in the face daily breaks down the deceptive lie and leaves me longing for heaven more and more, and not just for the happy that comes after, but for all Truth to be tangible redeemed reality instead of having to fight against this sinful broken reality that we live in. To be in the presence of my Redeemer and Savior Jesus Christ. That in itself will be the happily ever after life... but until then, in this sinful broken warm up act, Lord Jesus Christ have mercy on my soul and please continue Your work to redeem my sinful heart!

Break Me Down

Songs seem to reach in and get a strangle hold on my heart easier than words do, and every now and then, when I'm still long enough, I catch myself singing prayers... This song is kinda a scary one to pray, but ya know, blast if God hasn't brought me to a point of just being so tired of fighting this frustrating fight... which, I have a sneakin suspicion is exactly where He wants me...

I feel You falling

Like the rain against my skin

I hear You calling

Your voice like thunder in my head

But now I am stalling

Cause I'm afraid to let You in

Come break me down with Your mercy

Come break me down again

I'M YOURS TONIGHT

I'M YOURS IF YOU CAN BREAK ME DOWN

BREAK THROUGH THESE WALLS I HIDE BEHIND

I'M YOURS TONIGHT

COME AND BREAK ME DOWN

WON'T YOU BREAK ME DOWN

I feel it inside me

I feel You underneath my skin

These walls could not hide me

They could not keep You from coming in

So now here You find me

Right back to where I began

Come break me down with Your mercy

Come break me down again

I need Your strength to feel this week

And I need Your touch to feel my need

And I need Your strong hands to carry me

Take me break me set me free

I need Your strength to feel this week

And I need Your touch to feel my need

And I need Your strong hands to carry me

Take me bring me to my knees

I'm Yours tonight

I'm Yours if you can break me down

Break through these walls I hide behind

I'm Your tonight

Come and break me down

Come and break me down

Come and break me down

Won't you break me down

- Tenth Avenue North

Mirror Blessings

Some days hurts come as quickly and as frequent as life happens, and yesterdays was no different. Same ol hurt makin it's rounds yet again. Although this time, the thorn in my flesh must have hit a nerve because I handled the pain very different. This time I remained open and immediately text a friend who knew the situation and I was able to share my heart and my anger. I was also, only by God's grace, able to see a possible connection between me fighting to remain open to My God, and this hurt possibly not coming from God, but coming as a hindrance in order to keep me closed toward Him. Hummmmm... My sweet friend was kind enough to take time out of her busy day to sit with me and talk through things. God has been so good to give me close friends that care enough to point me to Christ at all costs, no matter how painful it may seem at the moment, and no matter whether I want to hear it or not. She encouraged me with her love and care and challenged me to seek God, the Lover of my soul and the only one who is faithful in every moment of this life that at times can seem so out of control. She hurt with me, she listened, but most importantly she reflected the image of Christ as a mirror and encouraged me toward Him who I needed to run to.
As the day went on and I sifted through the emotions, I fought tooth and nail to keep my heart open to God, to keep from slamming that door in His face yet again. After watching a movie for some emotional escape I realized I wanted Him in this, and that my heart was still open to Him. I cried myself to sleep as I prayed for protection, faith to believe and trust to run to Him, and strength to keep the door open and talking to Him. I figured, well, if I'm gonna have to hurt, might as well hurt with Him than without Him.
As always, things look at least 80% better in the mornings. There is just something about a new day, a fresh start, and sunshine! Even on a Monday! :)
When I got to work another precious friend, who had no clue what was going on, sent me scripture by text. She doesn't know it, but up until today her texts have been the only Bible I've been reading the past month or two. God is so gracious to give me real, honest, and loving friends that long for my relationship with Him to be restored and grace to be evident in me, even above enjoying a great friendship. Gospel centered, loving, truth speaking, wise friends are few and far between, therefore the ones that I have are more precious to me than gold!
Thank you ladies for being there for me in my time of need and for being sweet reflecting mirrors of Christ to me: In the way you give of yourselves, your time, your love and care, and most importantly the way you share your faith in God with me. I am thankful beyond words!
Here is the passage that my sweet friend sent this morning...
"Therefore the LORD waits to be gracious to you,
and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you.
For the LORD is a God of justice;
blessed are all those who wait for him.
For a people shall dwell in Zion, in Jerusalem;
you shall weep no more.
He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry.
As soon as he hears it, he answers you.
And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction,
yet your Teacher will not hide himself anymore,
but your eyes shall see your Teacher.
And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying,
"This is the way, walk in it,"
when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left."
-Isaiah 30:18-21

Praise God for His mercy and grace which are obviously the only things that keep me going!

Obtainable Righteousness...

“Do we do nothing at all for obtaining this righteousness? I answer, Nothing at all. For this is perfect righteousness, to do nothing, to hear nothing, to know nothing of the law or of works, but to know and believe this only, that Christ is gone to the Father…not as judge, but made unto us…righteousness, holiness, redemption…that He is our high priest entreating for us, and reigning over us and in us by grace,…in his righteousness and life I have no sin…I am indeed a sinner as touching this present life…but I have another righteousness and another life…which is Christ.” -Martin Luther, Commentary on Galatians

Entitled........?

As I was typing an order this morning for the Honorable Judge he used a word that jumped off the screen, poked me in the eyes and then smacked me in the face! Entitled... He used the word in regard to a prisoner being entitled to pertinent documents from his record in order to appeal his case. But when I heard him say that word, that was not exactly where my brain went. I've heard the word used before, but today it just caught my attention in a different way. As my fingers were moving and concentrating on what he was saying, my mind was off in another world thinking...entitled...entitled!...entitled?...entitled... I'm a multi-tasker for sure! :)
I've been struggling lately through some anger with the Lord. This is progress because for the longest time I masked my anger & never brought it before Him, (as if He couldn't see it seething in my heart) because I was taught that only good behavior, obedience and compliance can be brought to show forth, especially when coming before my Holy Almighty God.
Now I am realizing that He can handle all of my emotions. Also, if I dig deep enough to work through them with Him, I usually find that, as an image bearer of Christ, my emotions 90% of the time reflect the heart of God. So He's been gracious enough to let me throw a few angry punches and STILL not kick me out of His kingdom.
There are a lot of things that I have been angry about, but one stood out in my heart today. And as the Judge dictated his order I was convicted the the other JUDGE... dude, seriously, there is no stopping the Holy Spirit! It convicts even through prison orders! haha!
So as my mind wandered about Entitlement....these are the thoughts that came to mind...
1. What do I feel like I am entitled to?
2. How do I react when an 'entitlement' doesn't come through or isn't provided?
3. What do my ideas of entitlement show me about my stance before God?
4. When I look at my heart honestly and see my sin-fullness, then what am I entitled to?
5. Is what I'm 'entitled to' and idol in my heart and in this life?
6. What has God promised me, or entitled to me, for which I can rightfully (without sin) claim?
7. How does my sinful entitlement reflect all the way back to my first parents in the Garden?
There are so many things in this life that I feel entitled to, and honestly some of them are full of sinful, idolotrous, unrighteous desires, yet some are struggles because of what I created for, but cannot enjoy until heaven. Let me share a few examples of entitlements that I struggle with...
* feeling happy from day to day in this sometimes not so happy broken world
* satisfaction with where the direction of my life is going
* fruition of godly dreams and desires
* no more heart ache and hurts
* no more struggles with sin, ha!
* all my loved ones brought to a saving knowledge of Him
* no more hurt, use and abuse from relationships
Whew, that's enough for now... but as I look over those I just have to really dig deep and ask myself honestly... am I really entitled to those things? What has God promised me, and what must I trust Him for, whether He gives it to me or not? Am I living solely for what I feel entitled to, or am I living for the one purpose of knowing and loving God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength, and loving my neighbor as myself?
I tell ya if I would focus more on what my purpose really is in knowing and loving God and loving others, then I honestly don't think I'll have time to feel entitled to much of anything, because truth is... I can't even carry out that one purpose! That kinda puts thing in perspective there! Whew! And yet again I'm brought to and left with only Lord Jesus Christ have mercy on my soul, a sinner!!!
And forgiveness I know I can bank on, because Jesus secured it and entitled it to me!

Paint Sense

This is something that just clicked in my artsy fartsy head...

"I am a painter by advocation. When, after months of work, I finally complete a painting, who does that painting belong to? The answer is easy and obvious. It belongs to me because I created it. Does the beauty or sophistication of the thing created change who owns it? No. If somehow my next painting were judged by every art critic in the world to be the single best painting in history, it would still be mine, and I could still do with it whatever I pleased. In the same way, we belong to God, however amazingly well-constructed we are or imagined ourselves to be."

It speaks to the fact that I cannot claim to be created by God and yet remain independent and autonomous. If I am His work of art.... that is surely not complete yet, then I remain His, no matter what! I've never had a painting untape itself, stand up and walk off claiming independence and ownership over itself. In the same way, even right now, as much as my heart rises up in self-sufficient, autonomous independent rebellion against my God, I cannot imagine telling Him who created me that I am not His! I mean hello...Lindsey... He's still at work! He's still painting... duh!!!
Sometimes He uses the funniest things to speak my language to make that light bulb go ding! :)

Idol Product #10,247,247,247...

Self-Relance. In simpler words, arrogant independence. Sunday I was shown my most recent idol. Most recent because as a human I am better known as an 'idol making factory'. I have a pretty productive assembly line that whips idols out faster than you can say... well, I won't say. :)
As much as I hate to admit this, I might as well be honest about myself and where I am, just as I am realizing this new sin the Lord has graciously opened my eyes to, I feel as though my heart is still in the process of trying to avoid it. Ya know how it goes... He shows me a heart issue that needs to be corrected, changed, or broken, and instead of surrendering humbly, I (just speaking for myself at this point! ha!) give every effort to try one more time to take care of things on my own. I guess that's the nature of this idol that has slowly crept into my heart and life.
In all honesty it stems from a deep desire to protect myself from hurt. Once so many hurts roll in one right after another, it's like enough is enough...and when God seemingly doesn't protect, seemingly doesn't care, seemingly appoints them, and is seemingly distant at the same time, well, I obviously have chosen to take over and protect myself. Which has brought me to this arrogant independence, where I, full of sin, stand before the Lord and say, I've had enough hurt, thank You! I'll take this heart from You now and I'll protect it much better than You have up to this point! Not only has this idol effected my relationship with God, but it effects other ongoing vital relationships as well. But admitting what's wrong is half the battle, right?! EH?!?!
For the past 2.5 months the Lord has physically been showing me, step by painful step, a picture of my idolatry. My injured feet have cuased more pain in these months than the combined past 15 years. I endured plan A - physical therapy and steroids with stubborn calloused independence. When that made matters worse, I endured plan B - walking cast and mind altering meds with arrogant stubborn hardened independence. And tomorrow I have a gut feeling I will now face plan C - hard cast and crutches one foot at a time.... my thick head and stubborn heart is beginning to see a pattern here!!!
So, here I am struggling with the reality of being bound up (literally) and forced to be dependent on others, and more importantly forced to deal with my God whom I've arrogantly balked at for a while now. So in my heart I wrestle...God disciplines the ones He loves, yet is He punishing me? The thought of Him punishing me sadly only makes my heart bolster with independence, as a rebellious child, fighting with every fiber against the punishment received. My teeth clench, my heart quivers, and tears flow to the tune of a 1000 different questions and I am forced to deal with Him....Who are You really? Can I really trust You? How can You draw me to trust You when the reality is You are not safe, the world is sinful, and my heart is most of the time left helplessly unprotected? Are you good, really?! How do I survive, seemingly alone, in this world that is broken and hurtful? What do You want from me?
At this point, the day before I reluctantly and angrily go in to see the foot doctor for binding that brings healing... my heart looks in the spiritual mirror and my heels dig in at the thought of going to the Great Physician who binds and heals with grace. I've never prayed this for myself before, but hard heartedness calls for desparate measures.... all I am left with is Lord Jesus Christ, break me, be as gentle as possible, but break me, force me before your presence to struggle with You and please, please God have mercy on my sinful soul!!!!

Identity Amnesia

Identity amnesia
produces
identity replacement.
It has been
humanity's problem
since
a man and woman
in a Garden
given as a gift
attempted to
reach up
for the
place
of Another.

- Paul David Tripp
Broken-Down House

When?! When...when will I learn that I (just like Adam and Eve) am not a god, never will be deity, will always be sinful and a wretched glorious mess this side of heaven. Even better, when will it sink in that HE loves me just as I am. He redeemed me with full accurate hideous knowledge about every fiber of me! So why try to forget my past, or change who I am? God created me, chose me, ordained me, loves my past, present, and future and loves every fiber of my being through Jesus Christ! Sink in........go through my thick head down to my heart! Ugh!
I mean can the man get anymore to the point or more convicting?! And these are just the poems before each chapter! The book itself is even deeper! So good, so very good... I think I'm going on a Tripp rampage! It's addictive, once you pick it up, you cannot put it down.... be warned! :)

Broken - Down House

Shards of window glass

shimmer in

weed-strewn sod.

Roof shingles clap

with the wind,

a spontaneous ovation

for the dwelling

that once was.

With creaking voices

dark halls repeat

long-gone conversations.

Too much decay

too much damage

violent elements

have disrespected

the Carpenter's dream.

the sagging-porch frown

tells a painful story

of beauty shattered.

All that's left

is a

broken-down house.

- Paul David Tripp