Simple Jar of Clay

"For what we proclaim is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, with ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake. For God, who said, 'Let light shine out of darkness,' has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. So death is at work in us, but life in you."

- 2 Corinthians 4: 5-12
This is one of my favorite verses...
Why?!
Because God who formed me from the dust continues to fashion me into His vessel, a simple jar of clay. He chose me from before time began and loved me enough to reveal the knowledge of Himself to my soul. And as I live from day to day in this broken sinful world, I am realizing that He will not let me go. I do not hold on to Him, but He holds me by His righteous right hand! 
What makes this so amazing is that I can live from day to day in the security and freedom of a relationship with Him. There is no pressure for me to be perfect or to reach any high standards, because I am not wanting anyone to look at me. I live and write on this blog to share my weakness, faults, failures, sinful thoughts, and sometimes God inspired wisdom, but only sometimes. :) I don't write to show off myself. I don't write to teach anyone, I don't write to correct others in their sin, I don't write to rebuke anyone... I write to show my weaknesses, therefore boasting His grace that He pours into me every single day of my rebellious life. I am only a jar of clay, I am His jar of clay, but clay nonetheless. I have a clay jar on the side of my tub, it has some beautiful turquoise swirls in it, but honestly it's not a gorgeous awe striking thing of beauty. The reason I like the imagery of being His jar of clay is because it's not the jar itself that is valuable, it's what the jar holds inside. And no matter how many times I turn and run from Him, no matter how often I  (the lump of clay, haha) question Him and His goodness, no matter what way I sin and provoke Him to His face... He remains in me. There is honestly nothing I can do to empty myself of the valuable glory that I am filled with. Trust me, over this year, I've tried! And ya know, I hate that I try all those things... I can't stand the fact that I'm rebellious, doubting, questioning, and wretchedly sinful! But ya know, I can't change that about myself, and what's so amazing is He loves me, just as I am and promises to not leave me as I am. Everyone as a sinner goes through the same exact things, so why not be honest and admit what I'm struggling through? How freeing, to know that He thought of me (broken, sinful, wretched, rebellious me), created me, formed me, fashioned me specifically, unique and simple; and He filled me with the glory of the knowledge of Himself in the face of His Son. WOW!
And I am coming to a point of realizing that no matter how much shit I go through in this life, no matter what hardship, suffering, trial, tribulation, affliction, perplexity, injustice, or death I live through... nothing can touch the glory inside of me. As His jar of clay I can be broken, smashed, burned, etc. and yet the glory that I carry will only flow out. See that's the beauty of the true Gospel, I am nothing, but I know I AM!!! I have no hope and nothing good to offer anyone other than what He's done for me. And honestly you have to catch me on a really good day for me to know that I know that I know that. I can't even keep a clear consistent focus on Him! Praise God that He holds me! Praise God that His grace grip is stronger than any of my rebellion. 
I am so thankful that He has brought me to a place in my life where I can be honest and real with myself and others around me. I don't pretend, I don't hide my sin, I don't strive for perfection... I LIVE, day to day I wake up and see a wretched sinner in the mirror, a jar of clay that has been through a mess of a hell already, and I'm absolutely positive there's more to come, because I'm not dead yet and at home. 
So all I can do is hope and trust in Him. Easy for me? That's a big ol' NO! But I've got to hold to Him who created me, chose me and saved me. I have to believe that He has a purpose for me in this life. I've got to hold to the simple fact that He did shine the glorious knowledge of Himself into my heart, so that I do know Him and love Him! Therefore I hold to the truth that He holds me and will guide me with His counsel and will one day lead me into glory with Him.
So for now it's lil steps of faith, faith that is given me, ugh! I can't even come up with that on my own. Prayer that really seems more like a conversation, and only happens when the Holy Spirit puts it in my heart and mind to pray. His Word which I am fighting tooth and nail to read to learn more about my God. Fellowship with precious believers that challenge me, convict me, hold me accountable, and reveal Him to me.
See, so once again, this whole thing is not about me. It's about Him whose eye is on me, whose hand holds me, and whose Son loves me and died for me. I am a simple, broken jar of clay and He is my life and my very existence. Without Him I wouldn't exist, without Him I wouldn't know God, without Him I would seriously not be here today, without Him I would've lost it and escaped, without Him I would be on the road to Hell going in boisterous flaming blazes, without Him I would still be dead, without Him I would never make it through this life, without Him I would crumble, without Him I wouldn't be who I am... His Jar of Clay.