Lent Longings

This is the very first time that I have really even thought of Lent, much less participated in it. I have heard of it for years, but never really knew much about it. This year a precious friend of mine got me to thinking about it. After that, I then read several other blogs on lent and realized what an amazing time it is in the Christian's life.

So this year I jumped in head long, and decided to partcipate in the Lent season. I am including links to the blogs which gave me such great insight on this season, as many people don't know the significance of it. And instead of me butchering it, and getting it all wrong, I am simply going to point you in the direction of a much wiser woman who knows her Lent.... hehe

The first link is on how lent can be evangelical. http://upsidedownbee.blogspot.com/2009/02/can-lent-be-evangelical.html

The second one explains more about what lent is int he Christian calendar. Both are very worth your time to read.

http://upsidedownbee.blogspot.com/2009/02/fat-tuesday-ash-wednesday-lent.html

So after reading several blogs and getting my head straight about what Lent is all about, I dove in. I had to realize, that like fasting, I am not giving things up in order to get something from God. I am not sacrificing so that He will bless me, because we all know that God's blessings don't rest on our sacrifices and attempts at holy living. For me, and no I'm not going to tell you what I am giving up, because that is between me and the Lord... but for me, it's a refocusing time. One particular line in one of those blogs above really struck me, as she expresses that it is a time of "coming to our senses" as the prodigal son came to his senses while he was feeding with the pigs. It is an attempt to refocus my mind and heart toward the Lord...to give up all the vain things that charm me most, that so easily distract, that waste my time, that have an unecessary hold on my heart...to let go of those things in order to turn my eyes toward the Lord and who He is in my life.

I will have to say this will not be easy, and I feel it will be a day to day battle between my Spirit and my self will. Although today, being my first day into Lent, it has been actually more refreshing than a battle. It has felt as if I have cut strings off that tie me to this life and tie me to other things that should not take presidence over the Lord.

I will continue to pray that the Lord will use this time to refocus my life, heart and mind on Him. I pray He'll turn my eyes and face toward Jerusalem, toward His throne, His cross, and His love. I pray that He will rip away spiritual bonds that have a foot hold in me, and that He will free me to live in His love abundantly. I pray that He will work as I seek His face during this time. I pray that this season of Lent will be a time where the Lord is set back in His rightful place in my heart, as my deepest longing and desire.

A Touch of Sun and Wind

Today was one of the first days I have felt the LORD here with me...well let me rephrase that... He is always here with me... so today was one of the first days that my heart let down my guard and I was able to enjoy His presence and be with Him without fear and with a trusting child like faith. 

As I walk down this dark road that He has called me to, these days are few and far between. But I am so so so very thankful for this day that was a breath of fresh air in my seemingly chaotic, un-peaceful, dark, valley of the shadow of death, no light at the end of the tunnel road that I am walking right now. 

I had a doctors appointment today, so I just took off all day, because I don't do that very often, and I wanted to just have a day at home and do something fun. I've been working so hard in counseling and my "work room" (my closet), that I just wanted a break and day off. 

Yesterday in counseling, we talked about my brain and how it works, it wasn't as emotional as most days, but it was very very intriguing and made complete sense. I was reminded again that if God is truly God then He already knows what goes on in my head and heart, even though I have disillusioned myself to think that He doesn't. And even when I think and feel like I have Him shut safely outside of my heart door, He is in my heart and ever present. That picture struck me yesterday, probably because I had once again faked myself out with my lil pretend safe and secure Linz Loo world, where I had Him shut out, and at a safe distance. But as I listened to a very wise woman, I realized how ludicrous that was, and how it's impossible to shut Him off. The invisible walls that I had put up in my heart and mind, melted. I literally saw my lil room in my house that I had myself locked into, safe and sound, I saw the house melt away and left nothing between me and the LORD. Now I'm not sure how long the walls will remain melted, hopefully for forever, but I feel like I know myself better than that. 

Anyways, so today was refreshing, like a cool breath of fresh air, after breathing heaviness and musty crappy air for a while now. I slept late and woke up taking my time to get ready to go to the doctor. My appointment wasn't until 12:40, and I was ready by 11. So I took a chair outside (it was an amazingly gorgeous day) and sat in my back yard with my feet propped up in the sun. I sat and just let the warm sun fall all over me. (Sunshine is good for depression ya know!) I tilted my head back and just sat and relaxed in the sun. 

As I sat there quietly (first time in a long time that I was still before the LORD) I felt the sun and listened to the wind come sweeping and whooshing in and around me, over my privacy fence, around the corner of my house and then on to the next yard. It was such a peaceful time, which I am so thankful for.... AND OH MY GOSH I SO JUST REALIZED I ASKED FOR JUST 5 MINUTES OF PEACE JUST YESTERDAY!!!!!! AH!!!! I SERIOUSLY JUST REMEMBERED SAYING THOSE WORDS... NO, I DIDN'T PRAY THEM, BUT THAT WAS MY HEART'S DESIRE, AND I GOT AN HOUR AND A HALF OF PEACE TODAY!!!!!! WOWOWOWOOWOWWOW!!!!!

Ok, so whoa! Yeh, that just hit me!!!! He is good! 

So I sat out there in my chair with my head tilted back, and was thinking of how some Bible character (I don't remember now which one) was in a cave, and listened for God in the storm, the thunder, an earthquake, and wind, and then he heard God in a whisper. Well I was doing some listening, which I haven't done in a while, and I was thinking, going over the things I had heard yesterday, and the wisdom I was given. 

One thing that she said yesterday was..."Lindsey, because you don't have a husband to talk things through with, God is all you've got... you are left to process with Him.) Now as many of you know, I long to be married, I'm talking I feel like that is my calling in life, to be a wife, help meet, and mother/discipler. I have struggled with God over this very issue, and we have gone round and round... well really I have gone round and round His throne stomping my feet. Right now I have come to a point where I know now is not the right time, and am working just to take care of myself from day to day. So over the years I have struggled with seeing God as the Lover of my soul, feeling His touch as a husband would touch, knowing His love as I would visibly be able to see the love of a husband, and interacting with Him on that intimate level as a lover. This has been extremely hard for me.

But today was the first time I was able to picture Him as that, amazing I know, and not from me, cause right now, I have nothing to offer up or come up with in the spiritual department. I'm dry as dry can be! I sat out there in the sun with my head tilted back and felt His sunshine lightly falling all over me, warming me, and it just felt like He was softly touching my face...just as if His hands were caressing my face. Then the wind would come swooshing over my fence and blow through my hair and sweep gently across my face, and I swear I could just picture the LORD brushing the hair out of my face and sweeping His hands gently over my cheeks and all over my face, holding my face up to look into those loving eyes, that I don't see all the time.  

I can't explain how I got that picture, or how I felt those things just from the wind and sun, but I know that today, that hour and a half in the sun and wind was a gift from Him... a quiet peace in my chaotic world... a brief moment of relief in my long dreary days, a breath of fresh air straight from Him. 

Today He gave me a picture of the love that my soul deeply longs for, not an earthly man, but the only love that can quench that vacuum of a void in me, the only love that can satisfy my heart and can fulfill my deepest unknown desires. My Love met me today and truly romanced my heart. 

I was able to whisper, "I do love You, I really do!" as I sat in the sun enjoying that time with Him; which is an amazing thing, because I have struggled to even talk to Him for the past couple months now, so telling Him I do love Him and feeling Him all around me as the Love of my soul, that, I can only say was a gift from Him. 

And my heart is full of praise tonight!!! Praise God, for the relief, the break, the peace... He does here my prayers, and He is here walking this dark road with me, He does hold me secure in a relationship with Him, He is God, and He is good.... thank the LORD that I can see that today! 

Grasp of Encouragement

(Author: John Piper)
J. Gresham Machen, one of the great proclaimers and defenders of the Christian faith in the early 20th century, went through a season of fearful doubt on his way to solid confidence. Remarkably, it was his mother who spoke one of the decisive words of rescue. He tells the story:
The question is not merely whether we can rest in our faith, but whether we can rest in the doubt that is the necessary alternative of faith. We pass sometimes through periods of very low spiritual vitality. The wonderful gospel which formerly seemed to be so glorious comes to seem almost like an idle tale. Hosts of objections arise in our minds; the whole unseen world recedes in the dim distance, and we think for the moment that we have relinquished the Christian hope.... My mother [spoke to me] in those dark hours when the lamp burned dim, when I thought that faith was gone and shipwreck had been made of my soul. "Christ," she used to say, "keeps firmer hold on us than we keep on him." My mother's word meant...that salvation by faith does not mean that we are saved because we keep ourselves at every moment in an ideally perfect attitude of confidence in Christ. No, we are saved because having once been united to Christ by faith, we are his forever. Calvinism is a very comforting doctrine indeed. Without its comfort, I think I should have perished long ago in the castle of Giant Despair. (J. Gresham Machen: Selected Shorter Writings, 561)

Whew! That was encouragement for today, as I walk through hard and difficult times of struggling to trust Him at all points of life. Where would I be if He did not hold me firm by His righteous right hand?! I know exactly where I would be.... on the downward spiral to hell in Romans 1. If I can thank Him for only one thing today... thank you God for holding me by your righteous right hand, for keeping me in your clutch, grasp, grip, and for never letting go... no matter how much I desire it in my doubt and disillusion. I don't deserve that gift and security, but it's given just the same. Thank You!

Box Tangle

This one is nothing but some processed emotions. It's sideways though. So turn your head to the left and you will see the right side up picture. 

Procrastination Tangle

This tangle I did at work when I was bored and should have been reading or processing emotions. But nope, not that day! I was doodling the day away with these cute lil circles. Sometimes an escape is needed in all the emotion mayhem! 

Happy/Sad Tangle

This is a tangle that I started on a Friday, it was bright, sunny, and a pretty good day, and then I finished it on Monday, which was not such a great day. So it went from happy on the outside to sad on the inside. :)

The Wall Prayer

Heavenly Father, teach me to trust you even when I do not know where you are going. Help me to surrender and not turn inward into myself out of fear. The storms and winds of life, O Lord, blow strongly all around me. I cannot see in fron of me. Sometimes I feel like I am going to drown. Lord, you are centered, utterly at rest and peace. Open my eyes that I might see you are with me on the boat. I am safe. Awaken me, Jesus, to your presence within me, around me, above me, and below me. Grant me grace to follow you into the unkown, into the next place in my journey with you. In your name, Amen.
Reveal yourself to LORD... I believe in my head... help my stubborn, doubting, untrusting, fearful unbelief in my heart!

Hitting The Wall

I think it's safe to say that I have hit a wall. I realized that a couple weeks ago, but didn't know someone had actually thought this through and written about it. Not only has someone written about it, but it's the very next chapter of the book I am reading, which I picked back up yesterday. WOW! Yeh, uh, He's here! ;o)
So I just wanted to write a few things that impacted me in this chapter called, The Wall, that I started reading again yesterday from the book Emotionally Healthy Spirituality.
The Wall: "The dark night of the soul... violent and severe... as we are dragged down and immersed again into a worse degree of affliction more severe and darker and more greivous."
"Receiving the gift of God in the Wall, however, transforms our lives forever." - Now this I am working on, I have not yet been able to see my wall as a gift, although I think I know that it is long term, but now, the now is what I struggle with.
"The disorientation and pain of their present circumstances blinds them." - this I believe is the now that I feel, which hinders me from seeing clearly and believing without a shadow of a doubt, my wall is a gift from God.
"Most importantly, remember it is God who brings us to the Wall."
"I had tried to go around, jump over, and then dig a hole under the Wall. None succeeded. I finally went forward through it because the pain of staying where I was felt unbearable." - been there done that, and now am trying to move through my wall, as I am at the unbearable part. Whew, this chapter just laid it out there for me, plain and simple.
It is amazing really how this chapter is the one I left off with a couple months ago, and now beating my head up against my wall, I pick it back up again... uh, no coincidence there. As we say in my family, that is a God thing.
"God is purging the soul, annihilating it, emptying it or consuming it (even as fire consumes the mouldiness and the rust of metal) all the affections and imperfect habits which it has contracted its whole life...These are deeply rooted in the substance of the soul...At the same time, it is God who is passively working here in the soul." - I would have to strongly disagree with the passively part... because His working in me right now is anything but passive!

"How and when God takes us through is up to him. We make choices to trust God, to wait on God, to obey God, to stick with God, to remain faithful when everything in us wants to quit and run. But it is his slow, deep work of transformation in us, not ours." - Please pray that as I walk through my wall, that God will give me the courage, strength, and determination to make these choices for Him.

"Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner." - Luke 18:9-14

Praise You In This Storm

A song that I found on a friend's blog that speaks to where I am. Here are the lyrics and a link to hear Casting Crowns sing the song...

"I was sure by now,God,
that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God
who gives and takes away.

Chorus: And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands for You are
who You are no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side and
though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone
how can I carry on if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls I barely hear
You whisper through the rain "I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands
and praise the God who gives and takes away

Chorus

I lift my eyes onto the hills where
does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills where
does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the maker of heaven and earth

Chorus"

-Casting Crowns

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ype1xE0wzsg

New Tangles to Come

Hopefully I will be able to post a couple new tangles later.
While ya wait for em... you should really try the doodling thing.
It really does help to focus my mind, and we all know
I need all the help I can get in that area!! haha :)
Later

Busy Distracting

There is a huge part of me (and maybe for all of us) that works to keep me from hurt, pain, or any kind of unwanted emotions... it's the distraction technique. Now there are many other ways that I keep from feeling these unwanted emotions, but this is the busiest of my coping mechanisms.
It is amazing to me how busy I can keep myself, in order not to feel, not to think about things, in order not to work on certain things, or even not to ponder on the Lord.
I have notcied recently that even when I'm getting ready in the mornings, I play music, some Christian songs, some not, but noise none the less. Here at work I often bring books to work with me in case of a slow period. Today I was going to read some of a book that I had put down recently... I skimmed through a couple of pages, and then found a bazillion other things to do.
Distractions can come in all shapes and sizes, and don't even have to be visible. I don't think this is only me either. I can't count the number of times I have sat down and tried to read my Bible, or tried to sit focused in prayer, and my mind just goes 90 to nothing, about nothing really.
My mind is the greatest distracter of all... thinking about ridiculous things, going over thoughts again and again, pondering what ifs, day dreaming about this or that, even thinking about things I really don't want to think about. My mind will go to extreme lengths to distract me from what is more important.
It takes a constious effort on my part to sit down and focus and work, and contemplate and get things done.
I will have to say that this distracting busy body mind of mine has been very good to me over the years, it has protected me in many ways, but now, when I need it to stop and take a breath, stop and relax, sit and just be for a while, it can't. It's almost like I have trained it a little too well over the years.
One of the sentences that I skimmed over this afternoon before giving in to the distractions was, "We are too active for the kind of reflection needed to sustain a life of love with God and others." That is so true for me, in my life, in my head. See for me, and my creative and imaginative brain, I don't have to be physically active, because my mind can outrun me any day! I can be active in my mind while just sitting and staring.
I am hoping that this distracter will soon wear out... I can tell it's coming closer to just collapsing from exhaustion. But I also know that in my own life there is a sad reality which I also reread briefly, "most of us will not go forward until the pain of staying wehre we are is unbearable."
I think this is actually one thing I have going in my favor, as long as I can keep that distractor from trying to convince me otherwise.
Whew! Ok, enough distracting, bye......... ;o)

V-day Reeseholic

Today was a great Valentine's day! Most V-days are not that fun, as they are usually single awareness day. But this V-day was unlike many of the others. I spent the day with family and friends that I truly love. Morning fun and fellowship with a precious friend, a quick visit and hug from another blessing, and then dinner out with my bro, sis and their precious precious babies!

They gave me this Reese's heart for Valentines!!! They know exactly what I like! I can't wait to dig into this big ol heart! :) They for sure have stolen mine....

I love you Wyatt and Raney! You are my favoritest children in the whole wide world! The closest in my heart to my very own! I love you more than words can express! :)

Thank you for my Reese's heart, it feeds my addiction! And this is one that I won't try and get help for! haha!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Shop Vac Fellowship

This morning I went to a precious friend's house to help her paint one of her rooms that she is in the process of renovating. I stopped and picked up coffee, as we are both Starbucks snobs! :) When I arrived I finished watching a mini series with her and her sweet husband. Then we went to survey the room. She decided, wisely, that the wallpaper underneath was going to work against us and undermine any hard work that we did. So we decided to just hang out. 

We sat down and talked a bit, which is wonderful. She is one of the precious friends that is such an amazing listener, who hears me and connects with my emotions as well as struggles. She is such a gift. Then we decided to clean up the paint room, which we decided to leave for more experienced experts. I was standing in the under-renovation room, and in she comes with the most amazing toy! She came through the door with a shop vac!!!

I had so much fun with this powerful lil sucker, literally! That thing has suction power that is out of this world. And unlike a vacuum you can suck up large, small, wet, dry, really anything. haha! It almost took off my jeans in one fatal slurp! haha! I shop vacked (sp?) the one room, and then we moved out to the screened in back porch. My eyes lit up as I saw the carpet out there. 

Someone had done tons of work before they moved in and so there was old paint shavings that had fallen off, there was cat litter from her sweet kitties that love on me every time I visit, there were leaves...... it was a shop vackers dream come true! haha! 

So I got to work, we moved things out of the vac path and I steadily and methodically moved my way all across the porch. It was so much fun to watch the dirt and all come up and to see clean stripes of carpet left behind. 

Ok, so yes, I admit I am weird, always have been, but I just love cleanness, especially in hard times like this. I explained to her after squeeling from having so much fun, that when the inside of me is a mess, it helps to clean on the outside. It must be a control thing, to want at least some form of order, and if it can't be on the inside right now then it can be on the outside. So I vacked my lil heart away! :) 

There is something about quick results that I absolutely love. I am enthralled with watching things come clean. I also love renovating, cleaning, etc... the whole remodeling bit. That is just so much fun to me. So I had a blast today cleaning with my precious friend and just sharing life together. 

Isn't that what friendship is about, coming together, fellowship, walking along side one another, living life and sharing it together. I think America today has missed out on this aspect of life. We (yes I am American too) are so individualized, and so autonomous, that we don't live in community anymore, we stay to ourselves and our only concern is us. 

Today was a breath of fresh air as I was able to just be with a friend in one of  her days, work with her, help her, and fellowship at the same time. It was a sweet time of cleaning and shop vac fun! What a blessing those true friends are that share everyday life with you. 

I thank God for her and my fun day shop vacking! 

Thanks Pete's Momma! :)

Lonely's Safe Curiosity

This picture has been in my mind for about a week and a half now. Since I started working with Mrs. B, we have been working on the different parts of me that keep me going through day to day life. Yes, this sounds like I have multiple personalities, and although I may be a good candidate for it.....there is only one Lindsey :) Praise the LORD!

So lately we have been working on Lonely. Just a brief background so the picture will actually make sense... Over the years I have experienced many hurts in my life, a few too many if you ask me, but I am slowly coming to realize that sufferings are a very important part of the Christian walk, unfortunately. 

Since I am just now coming to realize this, in the past I have not dealt with hurt, trials and sufferings in a good way. In fact I think I can safely say I have blocked most of them out and not dealt with them at all. Therefore, I have a "safe room" in my heart where I stay and where I protect myself and no one else is let in. There is only one person who has been allowed to come in that "safe room" with me, and no, sadly, it's not the Lord. Though I have hopes that one day, one day, hopefully, one day I will let Him in.

So Lonely is the only one in this "Safe room" that wants out and is willing to take the necessary steps to get out. All the others are fearful, untrusting, hurt, wounded, hardened, protective, and satisfied with staying in the safe room. 

The other day I worked hard on trying to get Lonely out of the room for a lil bit, and as you can see she didn't make it very far. But it was progress none the less. I have accepted that this is not going to be a quick result, like I love, but more a long process. 

So as you can see Lonely made it to the door, which is guarded by the way (that would have messed my picture up, haha!), and she peeked out under the door. The LORD himself sits on the steps outside the door, or so she thinks; He is casting the shadow coming through the bottom of the door. She is the only one that wants to open the door and run to Him, but is not able yet and is persuaded easily that He's not safe and cannot be trusted. One day hopefully, but for now she peeks under the door curiously, but remains safe. 

Oh the joys of painting! Gets it out instead of keeping it in :)

I'm so thankful for this gift I have been given! 

Tangle Addiction

Well, I couldn't figure out how to turn this one on it's side. So turn your head to the left and you will see how it is supposed to be. This one is actually a tangledoodle of my anger.  See...... they do turn out pretty, even with anger behind them! ha! These things are great and addictive therapy! :)

A Finished Tangle

This is a tangledoodle that I finished up and thought would be fun to show what they start off as and then as my imagination takes off, they fill in and turn out really pretty. Although sometimes the meanings aren't pretty behind them....I'm the only one who knows those, so they can be pretty to everyone else! ha! Enjoy....

Isn't that cool how it fills in and turns into this detailed picture of designs! I'm for sure addicted, now it's just finding time to tangledoodle! :)

Happy Valentine's Day

I don't have anything to post at the moment, but I might be posting a few new tangles later. I just wanted to wish everyone a very happy and love filled Valentine's Day!
P.S. - Don't ya just love my new chocolate kiss colors! :)
My word, when did I turn into such a girly girl?!?!?! haha!
Happy Valentine's........especially to my
Momma, daddy, bro, Kelly Brooke, Wyatt and Raney!!
I love yall!

An Audience w/ God Alone

Ok, so not only was it yesterday morning's worship service, but Sunday night's was a heart wrencher, butt kicker too!
Here again are a few of the notes that pierced deep, this time as I sat on the second row, right under Pstr. Mike. If you have heard his amazing preaching, then you know the Lord's conviction was being poured out right on my head, with amazing bold Gospel force!
1. What is genuine prayer?
2. Is there a consistency between what I say and how I live?
3. Hypocrite: used for actors, pretending, acting, role playing, image creators
4. Heart of stone with a veneer of religion around it.
5. How do I want to be seen?
6. Do I pray or do I say prayers?
7. Am I praying or making announcements?
8. Who is my audience?
9. Prayer is communion and conversation with God.
10. What do I want affirmation for?
11. God rewards genuine prayer.
12. God in your closet, shut the door, and the reward is that God the Father is there.
13. When you pray you enter the throne room.
14. If we could pull back the spiritual blinders from our eyes, we would see the Holy of Holies that we have just stepped into.
15. God is a lavish extravagant giver.
16. God has given me prayer as a means to accomplish His will.
17. I have an audience with the Living God.

Yeh, those two sermons coupled together made for a heavy day of rear kicking! Needless to say I have much to think about for the rest of the week!
Thank you again?!

Faith Beyond Feelings

Do you ever sit in the congregation and feel like no one else is there..like you are the only one in the room and the sermon is directed to your heart that has, without your permission, secretly made itself known to the pastor and through him, the Lord is dealing with you as you watch on in horror and amazement all at the same time?!
Yesterday was like that, and here are a just a few notes that I took. Only a few notes because I think I was paralyzed by how clearly the sermon was directed straight to my heart, and paralyzed by watching myself being dealt with on that Holy ground before the Lord of Hosts. And after reading the few notes I think you'll understand why I was paralyzed...
1. Where does my assurance lay?
2. Emotions and circumstances are fleeting.
3. He knows everything and loves me still.
4. He loved me when I was an enemy.
5. Don't let your emotions cause you to pull away.
6. Confidence: granted a privilege to speak freely.
7. Confidence is in Christ alone.
8. Hebrews 4:13-16 - let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace.
9. Draw near and ask Him to help you.
10. Turn to God, turn to God's ways....
God to me -> grace, grace, grace -> go and sin no more...
me to God -> failure, sin -> turn to God -> confess ->
God to me -> grace, grace, grace -> go and sin no more...
me to God -> failure, sin -> turn to God -> confess ->
God to me -> grace, grace, grace -> go and sin no more... and on and on and on, promised to never end
11. Constantly turn to Christ alone
12. Believe in Jesus, love one another
13. Make my plea... out of my ________________ Jesus I come to thee.
14. It's about relationship.
15. Abide - apart from me you can do nothing.
16. Romans 8:16
Turn back...
You belong...
Don't run...
Come again...
Rest in me...
Draw near...

Uh yeh, if you know me, then there might as well have been just me in that room and I was paralyzed, glued to the pew. That is the bold, hard, convicting, piercing, kick your rear, don't leave you comfy in your pew, Gospel truth.
Thank you?! I think!

Creme Brulee Heart

After two hours of counseling, yes only two hours... the wake of emotional exhaustion that has "put the smack on me" (as Wyatt says) feels more like 2 years, but only after two hours of counseling I realize that I have a Creme Brulee Heart - on the inside it is nothing but soft sweet cream, but on the outside there is a hardened thick crust over it. Ok so maybe this analogy breaks down faster than I thought with the sweet part! :)
That picture came into my head recently. I am artsy fartsy and so pictures of emotions and situations come easily, where as words to express the same are a lil harder for me. I pictured the process of how the Creme Brulee is made. How the cream is made and is soft and mushy really, and sweet. And then how sugar is sprinkled to cover the top and then it is torched... so that it melts and then hardens.
I couldn't help but picture how my heart desires to be that heart of flesh, mushy with flexibility, sweet with easy trust and deep love of the Lord, soft and mailable to His will/disposal no matter what. And yet I can't get around or seem to break through the hardened crust that encases my heart. I can vividly picture how the trials of life have been like the fire of the kitchen torch, melting and hardening me over time. And now I am left with a layered hardened protective crusted shell from years of trial torching. And who doe my skewed vision see holding the torch, none other than the Savior God that gave His own life for me. Such love, desire and longing; yet such fear, anger, and distrust all encased inside me.
Yesterday I sat through two amazing, convicting, piercing sermons as I felt the double edged sword of the Spirit scratch against the surface of the crust of my heart. But as quick as that sword began to carve deeper and deeper, it was met with the hardened crust that seems to brulee right back over again. It's as if I know how broken I should be, how broken I want to be, I know what I am worth, and what I don't deserve, and how my life is but a vapor, dust, a mist... but at the same time I have this crust of protection over my heart that is not easily broken through. I have dreaded, but finally come to realize that this is not going to be an overnight quick fix break through and be done with it all, but more like a widdling away, carving, and slowly chipping away of my bruleed heart.
I am so thankful for my pastor and his commitment and gift to teach the bold Gospel truth each and every Sunday. Sometimes it is all I can do to just sit in the pews with my bruleed heart. But praise God, he is faithful to preach the Gospel truth that does continue to carve no matter how thick the crust.
The verse that I was searching for and couldn't find, the one that God brought to me yesterday...He must have told Pstr. Mike to preach that to me! :o/ is this....
1 John 3:19-22 -
"By this we shall know that we are of the truth and reassure our heart before him; for whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and he knows everything. Beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence before God; and whatever we ask we receive from him, because we keep his commandments and do what pleases him."
I am comforted some that even though I struggle with/against Him, He does not turn from me, and He does not release His grasp, but continues to hold on to me patiently, even in bringing a small scripture that I was searching for last week.
Thank you!

Doodling Prayer/Processing

Today has been such a blessing. It's been a hard day, but I have enjoyed the latter half of it. After my talk with Ms. B I headed to work to get some things done. To my surprise when I got there, my mom had sent me an email referring me to another B, Mrs. Belinda and her Upside Down Bee blog. So I checked it out and it was about using doodling as a way to focus during prayer, and also to process. This is right up my alley, being the artsy fartsy creative person that I am. So I tried it at work. It was a great day for it, after just working through some gunk with Ms. B..... and this is what came out the first time....

My first attempt came out kind of weird. I have doodled my whole life, but it takes on new life and meaning when you actually do it as a way of expressing yourself, and while drawing praying to the Lord about the things that you are drawing about. 
So I started on a second one at work, and I think it's safe to say that I am addicted! haha! I have journaled off and on over the course of the last 5 years, but have never been able to be consistent and stick with it. In the Philippines I started drawing and painting for my journal, this worked much better, and I am able to express myself much more through art than words. Funny how we're wired different huh?!
So by the third one today, yes 3 in one day, I am hooked. I did this one at growth group. Shhhhh... don't tell anyone. The thing is though, that I heard every word they said and even thought about what they were talking about. I really can, honestly, focus better when I am drawing. I don't know why, I really don't get it, but it's true. So the third one is my favorite so far, and it has a name. It's title is ESCAPE. :) 

Thank you Mrs. Belinda for introducing me, through my mom, to this wonderful form of therapy, processing, and prayer! I'm hooked! :)

Until the doodler strikes again..............

Emotionally Healthy Spirituality

Not too long ago I began reading a book called Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Peter Scazzero. There is the book, a workbook, and I think even a DVD interactive study for small groups.
This book is really good, and I would suggest it to anyone for emotional health in their walk with the Lord. I must admit though, I have only read the first half of the book. It is soooo good that I had to put it down! haha!
In my life and walk I wanted to read it and was soaking up every sentence... until I got to the chapter of having to go backward before you can move forward. That stopped me dead in my tracks. So, because it was impacting my life so much at the time, I realized that I was not ready for this and so put it down. I didn't want to keep reading if I wasn't ready to do what it was actually challenging me with. It really is that good.
So now at the crossroads that I am at, the LORD is leading me to go back before I can move forward with Him. And so the thought crossed my mind this morning that I need to pick it up again and finish reading it.
Growing up, I was always amazed at my momma and her reading abilities. I used to make fun of her, but in all honesty I admire her. She always has at least 4-5 books she is reading at one time. She has such an insatiable hunger for truth and knowledge about the Lord. She is the best role model I could ask for here on earth.
But it really is amazing how the Lord can use even a book to bring about just what He wants to teach you at just the right time even though we may not be ready for it. She, and I have also done this in the past, where we pick up one of the books that are in process and there lies just what you need to hear for that day. The Lord is good in those small ways that often go unnoticed or are easily forgotten, which is what usually happens with me.
I just wanted to mention that book that has been on my heart to pick back up. It really is worth your time and work, if you ever need a good but challenging, life changing read. :)

Breathing in or Blocking out

Not too long ago I wrote of a picture that my pastor talked of in one of his sermons. It referred to this world being as smog and pollution. The sin and fallenness of this world and our sin is suffocating. We can't help but breathe it in daily. We are bombarded with it from every side and every angle and can't get away from it, even if we retreat to ourselves, it's there in us. Over time he said our lungs atrophy from breathing in the "sin smog", I'll call it. He remarked the only way to get a breath of fresh air and rehabilitate our lungs was to look up to the face of God; Lift our faces up and above the sin, pollution, and fallenness and breathe in the air of God's righteousness, holiness, grace, mercy and forgiveness. In doing this we practice our lungs and exercise them to be able to handle the pureness of being in His presence for all eternity, where we will be smothered with the pureness of Him alone. 

That picture has come back to me over and over again the past couple weeks. And lately, if you know me well, you know that I am struggling through an extremely hard area in my life. One that seems to smother me like the sin smog that my pastor spoke of. It seems to be at every turn in my life, every angle, every thought. I can't seem to get away from it. Now the illustration takes a turn off from the original picture here, in my life, because right now the Lord is calling me to remain in the smog of difficulties and hardships. They come in all of our lives, especially in the lives of believers. As my SS teacher says, hardships and sufferings are just as much a part of the Christian life as salvation is. Whew! That sucks for sure! 

From day to day I am overwhelmed by my thoughts, and honestly a lot of times try to escape from them. For example I fall asleep to a movie now, so I won't have to hear what's going through my head. It's not easy going day to day wading through past memories, hard events, remaining rebellions and different aspects of myself that I am being called to deal with. I am one who does not like to hurt, although I don't know of anyone who enjoys it. But I have amazing distraction and blocking powers that enable me not to hurt, probably a good thing as a child, but now kind of works against me in a lot of areas. 

Now, as the Lord is leading me down this path of unlocking hidden chambers, and releasing hurtful emotions, it takes everything in me to remain in the here and now and not try to escape. Over the past couple weeks, only a couple times, I have looked up and thought, Lord can't I just skip over this part and just be okay with you and keep living my nice neat lil happy life that I have crafted? Can't I just keep my nose above those smog clouds and never look down again?Here is where the picture differs for me. The distraction/escape mechanism in me uses many things to escape from the pain of reality; in the past it's been immorality with guys, busyness, going going going, so fast that I can't feel, busyness is ministry, doing doing doing for the Lord, lately it's been not eating, (some people eat for comfort, I don't eat for comfort), OCD, and I think the list could go on and on and on. 

At this point in my life to lift my face above the clouds to breathe would actually be blocking or escaping for me, because the Lord Himself knows in my heart of hearts that I struggle with all of these things and coming before Him with them in humble submission, in trust. And so to use Him as an escape when He is calling me to dig and work my way through the muck, is not really breathing Him in at all. It's actually part of my rebellion against Him. 

I am so thankful that at points like this, with tears running down my face, that He shows me how He is even still at work in me, just in the fact that my eyes can see what I am doing, how I have coped all these unhealthy years. I know and can see that He is at work, even though I am struggling with Him and all of this, He is there. I am the one that's struggling, not Him, He remains steady and patient with me, as my momma reassures me. :)

I praise Him that He has brought me to this place, even though it seems the deepest of the valleys of the shadow of death, I pray that it won't last forever, and that on the other side of it, He will redeem and make me stronger and more in love with Him than I have ever been. Then hopefully I will be able to lean my head back and press my face above the smog and breathe in His grace that I will know and believe and trust with all my heart in total, complete abandon. 

But until then, day to day I take really deep stress relieving breaths and press on. 

East to West

Here I am Lord and I'm drowning in Your sea of forgetfulness.

The chains of yesterday surround me. I yearn for peace and rest.

I don't wanna end up where You found me, and it echoes in my mind,

keeps me awake tonight.

I know You've cast my sin as far as the East is from the West. 

And I stand before You now as though I've never sinned.

But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from you leaving me this way. 

Jesus can You show me just how far the East is from the West?

Cause I can't bare to see the man I've been rising up in me again. 

In the arms of Your mercy I find rest. 

Cause You know just how far the East is from the West, 

from one scarred hand to the other. 

I start the day, the war begins, and less reminding of my sin. 

Time and time again Your Truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in.

Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way. 

Jesus can You show me just how far the East is from the West?

Cause I can't bare to see the man I've been come rising up in me again. 

In the arms of Your mercy I find rest. 

Cause You know just how far the East is from the West, 

from one scarred hand to the other. 

I know You've washed me white, turned my darkness into light.

I need your peace to get me through, to get me through this night. 

I can't live by what I feel, but by the Truth Your Word reveals, 

I'm not holding on to You, but You're holding on to me!

You're holding on to me!

Jesus You know just how far the East is from the West.

I don't have to see the man I've been rising up in me again. 

In the arms of Your mercy I find rest, 

Cause you know just how far the East is from the West. 

from one scarred hand to the other. 

From one scarred hand to the other.

- Casting Crowns

Lord God please remind me of this daily as I battle against me and the untruth that seems to encircle me! I need your truth to prevail and have victory over me!