After two hours of counseling, yes only two hours... the wake of emotional exhaustion that has "put the smack on me" (as Wyatt says) feels more like 2 years, but only after two hours of counseling I realize that I have a Creme Brulee Heart - on the inside it is nothing but soft sweet cream, but on the outside there is a hardened thick crust over it. Ok so maybe this analogy breaks down faster than I thought with the sweet part! :)
That picture came into my head recently. I am artsy fartsy and so pictures of emotions and situations come easily, where as words to express the same are a lil harder for me. I pictured the process of how the Creme Brulee is made. How the cream is made and is soft and mushy really, and sweet. And then how sugar is sprinkled to cover the top and then it is torched... so that it melts and then hardens.
I couldn't help but picture how my heart desires to be that heart of flesh, mushy with flexibility, sweet with easy trust and deep love of the Lord, soft and mailable to His will/disposal no matter what. And yet I can't get around or seem to break through the hardened crust that encases my heart. I can vividly picture how the trials of life have been like the fire of the kitchen torch, melting and hardening me over time. And now I am left with a layered hardened protective crusted shell from years of trial torching. And who doe my skewed vision see holding the torch, none other than the Savior God that gave His own life for me. Such love, desire and longing; yet such fear, anger, and distrust all encased inside me.
Yesterday I sat through two amazing, convicting, piercing sermons as I felt the double edged sword of the Spirit scratch against the surface of the crust of my heart. But as quick as that sword began to carve deeper and deeper, it was met with the hardened crust that seems to brulee right back over again. It's as if I know how broken I should be, how broken I want to be, I know what I am worth, and what I don't deserve, and how my life is but a vapor, dust, a mist... but at the same time I have this crust of protection over my heart that is not easily broken through. I have dreaded, but finally come to realize that this is not going to be an overnight quick fix break through and be done with it all, but more like a widdling away, carving, and slowly chipping away of my bruleed heart.
I am so thankful for my pastor and his commitment and gift to teach the bold Gospel truth each and every Sunday. Sometimes it is all I can do to just sit in the pews with my bruleed heart. But praise God, he is faithful to preach the Gospel truth that does continue to carve no matter how thick the crust.
The verse that I was searching for and couldn't find, the one that God brought to me yesterday...He must have told Pstr. Mike to preach that to me! :o/ is this....
1 John 3:19-22 -
"By this we shall know that we are of the truth and reassure our heart before him; for whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and he knows everything. Beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence before God; and whatever we ask we receive from him, because we keep his commandments and do what pleases him."
I am comforted some that even though I struggle with/against Him, He does not turn from me, and He does not release His grasp, but continues to hold on to me patiently, even in bringing a small scripture that I was searching for last week.
Thank you!
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