As I walk down this dark road that He has called me to, these days are few and far between. But I am so so so very thankful for this day that was a breath of fresh air in my seemingly chaotic, un-peaceful, dark, valley of the shadow of death, no light at the end of the tunnel road that I am walking right now.
I had a doctors appointment today, so I just took off all day, because I don't do that very often, and I wanted to just have a day at home and do something fun. I've been working so hard in counseling and my "work room" (my closet), that I just wanted a break and day off.
Yesterday in counseling, we talked about my brain and how it works, it wasn't as emotional as most days, but it was very very intriguing and made complete sense. I was reminded again that if God is truly God then He already knows what goes on in my head and heart, even though I have disillusioned myself to think that He doesn't. And even when I think and feel like I have Him shut safely outside of my heart door, He is in my heart and ever present. That picture struck me yesterday, probably because I had once again faked myself out with my lil pretend safe and secure Linz Loo world, where I had Him shut out, and at a safe distance. But as I listened to a very wise woman, I realized how ludicrous that was, and how it's impossible to shut Him off. The invisible walls that I had put up in my heart and mind, melted. I literally saw my lil room in my house that I had myself locked into, safe and sound, I saw the house melt away and left nothing between me and the LORD. Now I'm not sure how long the walls will remain melted, hopefully for forever, but I feel like I know myself better than that.
Anyways, so today was refreshing, like a cool breath of fresh air, after breathing heaviness and musty crappy air for a while now. I slept late and woke up taking my time to get ready to go to the doctor. My appointment wasn't until 12:40, and I was ready by 11. So I took a chair outside (it was an amazingly gorgeous day) and sat in my back yard with my feet propped up in the sun. I sat and just let the warm sun fall all over me. (Sunshine is good for depression ya know!) I tilted my head back and just sat and relaxed in the sun.
As I sat there quietly (first time in a long time that I was still before the LORD) I felt the sun and listened to the wind come sweeping and whooshing in and around me, over my privacy fence, around the corner of my house and then on to the next yard. It was such a peaceful time, which I am so thankful for.... AND OH MY GOSH I SO JUST REALIZED I ASKED FOR JUST 5 MINUTES OF PEACE JUST YESTERDAY!!!!!! AH!!!! I SERIOUSLY JUST REMEMBERED SAYING THOSE WORDS... NO, I DIDN'T PRAY THEM, BUT THAT WAS MY HEART'S DESIRE, AND I GOT AN HOUR AND A HALF OF PEACE TODAY!!!!!! WOWOWOWOOWOWWOW!!!!!
Ok, so whoa! Yeh, that just hit me!!!! He is good!
So I sat out there in my chair with my head tilted back, and was thinking of how some Bible character (I don't remember now which one) was in a cave, and listened for God in the storm, the thunder, an earthquake, and wind, and then he heard God in a whisper. Well I was doing some listening, which I haven't done in a while, and I was thinking, going over the things I had heard yesterday, and the wisdom I was given.
One thing that she said yesterday was..."Lindsey, because you don't have a husband to talk things through with, God is all you've got... you are left to process with Him.) Now as many of you know, I long to be married, I'm talking I feel like that is my calling in life, to be a wife, help meet, and mother/discipler. I have struggled with God over this very issue, and we have gone round and round... well really I have gone round and round His throne stomping my feet. Right now I have come to a point where I know now is not the right time, and am working just to take care of myself from day to day. So over the years I have struggled with seeing God as the Lover of my soul, feeling His touch as a husband would touch, knowing His love as I would visibly be able to see the love of a husband, and interacting with Him on that intimate level as a lover. This has been extremely hard for me.
But today was the first time I was able to picture Him as that, amazing I know, and not from me, cause right now, I have nothing to offer up or come up with in the spiritual department. I'm dry as dry can be! I sat out there in the sun with my head tilted back and felt His sunshine lightly falling all over me, warming me, and it just felt like He was softly touching my face...just as if His hands were caressing my face. Then the wind would come swooshing over my fence and blow through my hair and sweep gently across my face, and I swear I could just picture the LORD brushing the hair out of my face and sweeping His hands gently over my cheeks and all over my face, holding my face up to look into those loving eyes, that I don't see all the time.
I can't explain how I got that picture, or how I felt those things just from the wind and sun, but I know that today, that hour and a half in the sun and wind was a gift from Him... a quiet peace in my chaotic world... a brief moment of relief in my long dreary days, a breath of fresh air straight from Him.
Today He gave me a picture of the love that my soul deeply longs for, not an earthly man, but the only love that can quench that vacuum of a void in me, the only love that can satisfy my heart and can fulfill my deepest unknown desires. My Love met me today and truly romanced my heart.
I was able to whisper, "I do love You, I really do!" as I sat in the sun enjoying that time with Him; which is an amazing thing, because I have struggled to even talk to Him for the past couple months now, so telling Him I do love Him and feeling Him all around me as the Love of my soul, that, I can only say was a gift from Him.
And my heart is full of praise tonight!!! Praise God, for the relief, the break, the peace... He does here my prayers, and He is here walking this dark road with me, He does hold me secure in a relationship with Him, He is God, and He is good.... thank the LORD that I can see that today!
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