It's been one of those weeks! One of those... turn it off for a lil' while, just do me weeks. But sometimes those weeks can be just as crazy as a normal go gettum week! It's been a busy 100+ newspaper letter week. It's been a pull together photography details week. It's been a headache working on website week. It's been a frustrating are you serious week. It's beeen a can I please run away week. It's been an I'm extremely thankful my rents live with me week. It's been a every little thing annoying week. It's been a hatred for food allergies week. It's been a sore, because I've slacked and haven't worked out in 2 months, week. It's been a my faith is weaker than pond water week. It's been a can I please do something right for once week. It's been a please go away and leave me alone week. It's been a what did I do wrong again week! It's been one of those frickin weeks, weaks, whatever!!
Thankfully, the Lord knows exactly what I need, because we have mid-week church tonight. A Maundy Thursday service that happens only at Easter time! WHEW! Thank you Jesus for giving me a big ol dose of You mid-weak! I need some Jesus and a lot more than I realize I think... and I realize it much this week! Therefore, that must mean I'm severely worse off than I even know! AHHHHHHH!
Thank You for mid-week Jesus!
Is it 6:00 p.m. yet?!
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Gold Stars + Kiss My Arse
This post is the beginning of many... I got the idea from a photographer I follow. Her version is kisses + disses, and as you can see I added my own flare! hahaha! I was just thinking of things that I like and don't like and thought, hey, why not share! So here's to many more to come...
gold stars...
a quiet day at the office... because it just doesn't happen that often!
new cd's/musical artist I never knew I loved so much!
the Cross and Jesus on Easter weekend! Where would I be without Him?!
caller ID... because telemarketers drive me crazy!
friend's birthdays! YEY!
rain boots
a website that will come soon... one day I hope! ha!
soreness after exercising... I know, I'm just weird! :)
kiss my arse...
terms of endearment... Honey Pie?! Really?! You don't even know me! I'm NOT your Honey Pie!
fair weather friends
food allergies
getting back into exercising regularly...haha!
roaming glaring eyes of men... need I say more? Other than barfola!
expectations... shoulds and have to's. I don't do em, sorry!
last but not least, sin... an ongoing problem, good gosh I need Jesus!
I know a picture says a thousand words, but I didn't want to picture the 'kiss my arse' category! haha!
:)
a quiet day at the office... because it just doesn't happen that often!
new cd's/musical artist I never knew I loved so much!
the Cross and Jesus on Easter weekend! Where would I be without Him?!
caller ID... because telemarketers drive me crazy!
friend's birthdays! YEY!
rain boots
a website that will come soon... one day I hope! ha!
soreness after exercising... I know, I'm just weird! :)
kiss my arse...
terms of endearment... Honey Pie?! Really?! You don't even know me! I'm NOT your Honey Pie!
fair weather friends
food allergies
getting back into exercising regularly...haha!
roaming glaring eyes of men... need I say more? Other than barfola!
expectations... shoulds and have to's. I don't do em, sorry!
last but not least, sin... an ongoing problem, good gosh I need Jesus!
I know a picture says a thousand words, but I didn't want to picture the 'kiss my arse' category! haha!
:)
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Pick a Petal, Any Petal
Actually these days, my heart wavers back and forth. As a Christian, I don't speak it out loud, but I might as well because He already knows my heart. It's as if I could pull over on the side of the road, on my way to work... pick one of these daisies and begin ...trust the LORD, don't trust the LORD, trust the LORD, don't trust the LORD, trust the LORD...as I pull off each petal to the end, leaving my decision resting on the last petal.
I actually made a clay model of this issue last year. It's a hand which represents the LORD's hand. There's also a separate clay heart that can be placed in the hand or taken out. The same pedalology just with a clay creation. Last year on my way out the door I would make my decision, as if it's really up to me, and I would either remove my heart from His hand, or leave it in His clutches for the day. It's a very visible model of what I go through, back and forth, back and forth, in my heart.
THERE! All you refined, holy looking, sin hiding, have it all together, secretly rebellious, Christian saints! I said it out loud! I STRUGGLE DAILY TO TRUST THE LORD!!!
This week I've been trying to fight it. I've been trying to deny it. I've been trying to be okay. Yeh, not working so well for me. Never does! Daily I struggle to trust the Lord with my heart. Daily I don't want to surrender my heart to a God who is good, but not safe. Daily I struggle to trust His plan and purpose, knowing my heart's desires and deepest longings, yet not knowing His. This week I have tried my best to hide my heart, tuck it away tightly behind some freshly lain brick walls, to keep any new hurts from reaching it. hahaha, I can be such a two year old! I swear!
My struggle constantly reminds me of a young child who covers his eyes. With eyes covered he is hiding. You are standing right in front of him, but in his mind you can't see him, well, because he has covered his eyes to you. You can't see me he says. Then removes his hands and you say boo, or pee-pie!
It frustrates me to no end that my default nature is to hide my heart from the LORD. When I hear or feel that Aslan is on the move, I hide. My heart screams deep blood curdling screams of fear...run, hide, protect yourself! He's coming and you never know what He's bringing with Him!!! Will it be hurt, pain, disaster, heart ache, surprises, suffering, revelation of sin, joy, smiles, happiness, conviction, persecution... I never know what He's doing! How He's working! What He's got coming just around the corner! That scares the hell out of me!
I think my heart at this point in my life is weary. It seems to whisper to me daily, I've been through enough hurt and pain, can we just stay safe for today? Can we hide and rest from the unknown storm that swirls around for even a couple hours?
But then, even now as I am typing, I know deep down that no matter where I run, no matter how deep I try to hide, I cannot hide from the LORD. I can't tuck my heart away from His reach. I can't shut Him out. No matter how tight I cover my eyes... He doesn't go away.
"Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there you hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me." -Psalm 139: 7-10
I must admit some days this thought doesn't bring me comfort. But when I stop to really think... If I truly had the choice of going through this life with or without Him. I could never make it without Him! The trials, heartache and pain are going to come regardless, whether I'm with Him or running from Him. The Truth my head is trying to force my heart to believe is that, He is here, regardless of life's situations, He is here with me and He is for me, and He will never leave me nor forsake me. Promises. Promises that He will keep. Promises that He's got me. Promises that He's holding me, not me holding onto Him. Promises that He'll carry me to completion. Promises that He will fulfill. Promises that should bring me peace, comfort and hope... but if I'm honest, some days they don't. Praise His Holy and Merciful Name, that even on these days He stays. He promises and is always faithful, whether I am or not! Praise Praise Praise His Name!
LORD Jesus, I know you're here. I know I can't hide my heart from You. Deep down I think I really don't want to...please open my eyes to your love, grace and goodness. Jesus help me to believe in You, when everything in me says RUN! I believe, just barely I believe, please help my overwhelming unbelief!?!
The Simple Things
Ya know, it's just the simple, little things in life sometimes that mean so much and bring a smile to my heart! Like...
A new favorite musician, Adele! Her new album "21" is AMAZING!
A sweet best friend who walks through the ups and downs of life, no matter what!
Sunshine
New flower beds
working in the dirt with my MoMMa
Getting things accomplished
A walk with a precious godly woman
Having my MoMMa and DiDDy at home with me
Having my hair played with by my DiDDy
New CD's for my photography clients
several good sleeps
working on a new website
...sometimes it's just in the random, small things in life that bring smiles. I'm beginning to see and realize even in the smallest of details, the Lord can break in, pour in His grace and hope to make the days a lot brighter!
He is my everything, even in the smallest details, even on the days where I'm trying to do everything without Him, He breaks through. He's here, He's at work! He really is THE BEST whether I acknowledge that or not! I believe LORD Jesus, please help my stubborn rebellious unbelief?!
A new favorite musician, Adele! Her new album "21" is AMAZING!
A sweet best friend who walks through the ups and downs of life, no matter what!
Sunshine
New flower beds
working in the dirt with my MoMMa
Getting things accomplished
A walk with a precious godly woman
Having my MoMMa and DiDDy at home with me
Having my hair played with by my DiDDy
New CD's for my photography clients
several good sleeps
working on a new website
...sometimes it's just in the random, small things in life that bring smiles. I'm beginning to see and realize even in the smallest of details, the Lord can break in, pour in His grace and hope to make the days a lot brighter!
He is my everything, even in the smallest details, even on the days where I'm trying to do everything without Him, He breaks through. He's here, He's at work! He really is THE BEST whether I acknowledge that or not! I believe LORD Jesus, please help my stubborn rebellious unbelief?!
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Boil It Down to Trust
It's been a few days...I took some time to just rest, sat in the sun, worked in my flower beds (pix to come soon!), played in the dirt, turned my mind off and just played some.
It all came to a screeching halt when my heart and mind started turning again Sunday afternoon. It amazes me how I deal with something. I settle it in my mind. I take it before the Lord. I give it over. I think I'm done with that issue. I leave it, walk away and shut my mind off to it. Then kaboooooooom! Something happens to trigger that whole issue again and I have to go around the circle again!
So Sunday afternoon and evening I was stewing in my heart and mind. I tried to lie to myself and say this most recent pin prick didn't reach my heart. It didn't pierce through. It's not bothering me! Liar liar pants on fire! haha!
It went a little something like this. It didn't bother me. I don't want to go through this again. I've dealt with that issue already. Why can't I lay it to rest? Why does something have to stir $#!+ up again? Yesterday I shut it off. I just closed it down and said, nope, not doing this today! Not dealing with this again!
Today, I can't turn it off as easy. My heart and head are back to whirl winding on me! ha! My thoughts started this morning, when I had to get up yet again to go to work. My alarm went off, I pushed the snooze and only got up the second time because I hate being rushed in the mornings. I grudgingly got in the shower to wake up and thought I'm sick of this! I have to get up Monday through Friday and work and I don't want to! haha! Now before you go assuming and call me a spoiled snot, let me explain.
I have the best job in the world! If I have to work, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else! I have a fabulous boss who loves me like a granddaughter. I definitely couldn't hand pick a better boss. Both are blessings straight from the Lord!
My begrudging attitude has nothing to do with those things. It has to do with work in general. It goes back to the deep longing and desire that I have to be a wife and mother. I feel God has given me gifts and a calling; gifts and a calling that are lying dormant right now. Gifts that I don't use sitting behind a desk daily. A calling that makes me feel as though I'm wasting my time from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. It's not that I don't love what I do, it's just not what I feel called to.
So the whirl winding keep going as I frustratingly pick out something to wear each day, then I put on a smile and answer the phones and make it through another 8 hours. I struggle because I feel like my life is passing before me and I'm wasting it away behind a desk, pushing papers and writing letters.
I heard it in the shower this morning and tried to dismiss the thought and obviously I couldn't because I'm writing. The thought came to me... Lindsey, are you going to trust me with your life, no matter what, where or who I send your way? I pushed it away and kept going, until I was sitting at work and heard... Lindsey, this is really out of your control! What can you do about it? You've tried to fix this yourself and it never, I mean never, ends well! Look at what I've done for you, given you, blessed you with...when are you going to trust Me?, My goodness?, My purpose?, My best for you? When are you going to stop griping, grumbling and complaining like a two year old who doesn't get her way and pitches a fit? I am here. I am all you need for anything in life. I am your everything! Trust me...
Okay Lord, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay... I hear you! I'm giving it back over again. I might have to do it again tomorrow, and maybe on Thursday too! Oh, and next week, on Monday, please be gracious... cause Mondays suck! :)
Through tears I see again my doubts, fears and rebellion. I see my self rise up again and again saying He doesn't care about me, He's not here, He's not for me, He doesn't want what's best for me, He's punishing me, being cruel not giving me what I want. I am so sinful to think I can even do life on my own. I am so sinfully independent to try and deal with it myself, when I have a Father who knows my heart and just wants me to come to Him with all the whirlwinds in there. I am so hesitant to trust. I always go down the road of experience says... but today I'm stopping, halting right in the middle of that road and saying, but Truth says...
Jesus is my everything!
He has a purpose and a plan for my life. He has given me gifts to use creatively for His glory. He is here. God is at work. Jesus lives in my heart. He goes with me to work everyday. He cares, loves and knows me. He is good. God is love...
I don't have the answers. I can't predict the future... Lord only knows how much I wish I could! But even as tears pool and I say those words... if I knew everything I wouldn't need a Savior! So what it all boils down to in the end... when the whirlwind dies down... or in the midst of its raging... am I going to trust the Lord with all my heart, mind, body, soul and life?!
Jesus, I want to trust You! I believe, please gracious God, help my unbelief?!
It all came to a screeching halt when my heart and mind started turning again Sunday afternoon. It amazes me how I deal with something. I settle it in my mind. I take it before the Lord. I give it over. I think I'm done with that issue. I leave it, walk away and shut my mind off to it. Then kaboooooooom! Something happens to trigger that whole issue again and I have to go around the circle again!
So Sunday afternoon and evening I was stewing in my heart and mind. I tried to lie to myself and say this most recent pin prick didn't reach my heart. It didn't pierce through. It's not bothering me! Liar liar pants on fire! haha!
It went a little something like this. It didn't bother me. I don't want to go through this again. I've dealt with that issue already. Why can't I lay it to rest? Why does something have to stir $#!+ up again? Yesterday I shut it off. I just closed it down and said, nope, not doing this today! Not dealing with this again!
Today, I can't turn it off as easy. My heart and head are back to whirl winding on me! ha! My thoughts started this morning, when I had to get up yet again to go to work. My alarm went off, I pushed the snooze and only got up the second time because I hate being rushed in the mornings. I grudgingly got in the shower to wake up and thought I'm sick of this! I have to get up Monday through Friday and work and I don't want to! haha! Now before you go assuming and call me a spoiled snot, let me explain.
I have the best job in the world! If I have to work, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else! I have a fabulous boss who loves me like a granddaughter. I definitely couldn't hand pick a better boss. Both are blessings straight from the Lord!
My begrudging attitude has nothing to do with those things. It has to do with work in general. It goes back to the deep longing and desire that I have to be a wife and mother. I feel God has given me gifts and a calling; gifts and a calling that are lying dormant right now. Gifts that I don't use sitting behind a desk daily. A calling that makes me feel as though I'm wasting my time from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. It's not that I don't love what I do, it's just not what I feel called to.
So the whirl winding keep going as I frustratingly pick out something to wear each day, then I put on a smile and answer the phones and make it through another 8 hours. I struggle because I feel like my life is passing before me and I'm wasting it away behind a desk, pushing papers and writing letters.
I heard it in the shower this morning and tried to dismiss the thought and obviously I couldn't because I'm writing. The thought came to me... Lindsey, are you going to trust me with your life, no matter what, where or who I send your way? I pushed it away and kept going, until I was sitting at work and heard... Lindsey, this is really out of your control! What can you do about it? You've tried to fix this yourself and it never, I mean never, ends well! Look at what I've done for you, given you, blessed you with...when are you going to trust Me?, My goodness?, My purpose?, My best for you? When are you going to stop griping, grumbling and complaining like a two year old who doesn't get her way and pitches a fit? I am here. I am all you need for anything in life. I am your everything! Trust me...
Okay Lord, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay... I hear you! I'm giving it back over again. I might have to do it again tomorrow, and maybe on Thursday too! Oh, and next week, on Monday, please be gracious... cause Mondays suck! :)
Through tears I see again my doubts, fears and rebellion. I see my self rise up again and again saying He doesn't care about me, He's not here, He's not for me, He doesn't want what's best for me, He's punishing me, being cruel not giving me what I want. I am so sinful to think I can even do life on my own. I am so sinfully independent to try and deal with it myself, when I have a Father who knows my heart and just wants me to come to Him with all the whirlwinds in there. I am so hesitant to trust. I always go down the road of experience says... but today I'm stopping, halting right in the middle of that road and saying, but Truth says...
Jesus is my everything!
He has a purpose and a plan for my life. He has given me gifts to use creatively for His glory. He is here. God is at work. Jesus lives in my heart. He goes with me to work everyday. He cares, loves and knows me. He is good. God is love...
I don't have the answers. I can't predict the future... Lord only knows how much I wish I could! But even as tears pool and I say those words... if I knew everything I wouldn't need a Savior! So what it all boils down to in the end... when the whirlwind dies down... or in the midst of its raging... am I going to trust the Lord with all my heart, mind, body, soul and life?!
Jesus, I want to trust You! I believe, please gracious God, help my unbelief?!
Friday, April 8, 2011
He is...Everlasting
The past two days I can best describe as overwhelming, end of my rope days. That doesn't seem to do 'em justice, but it'll have to do for now. I have barely made it through eight hour days at work, as I'm exhausted from emotionalness, running myself ragged, lack of good rest and giving too much of myself. Therefore, I have ceased everything for the time being. I've come to work, pushed through, been productive and then limped home to sit in the sun in my back yard.
I carried my chair out near my Josephs Coat rose bush that is busting with blooms and plopped, sat, slouched and did nothing but tilt my head up and soak up some sun.
You can only guess the realization that hit me while sitting in the sun...duh Lindsey, I can only do and give sooo much...
I thought I knew this already and was living it out, but obviously I have been sucking it up in this area. Obviously I have given a lil too much, done a lil too much, not rested near enough and not taken care of me at all...because I completely lost it Tuesday. Everything seemed to be swirling around me like enveloping torrents of wind from a tornado, or maybe a black hole. Everything that I fear, care about, deeply desire, every struggle, heart ache and pain seemed to surface at once and I just knew for sure that I was going under!... Sooo, I've heeded good advice and parked my arse under the sun for the past couple days and done absolutely nothing besides soak in some Vitamin D and rest. As I was sitting doing nothing, of course my mind was still going, going, going, swirling, swirling, swirling... etc. etc. etc. ha! you get the idea...
But as I sat there with my face turned to the sun I was reminded of a simple, basic, essential Truth... that my stubborn @$$ forgets so often and easily.
God... Creator, Sustainer, Savior, Father, Refuge, Redeemer, LORD... IS!
I know... simple, right?!
It's just so easy for me to forget. In the midst of life I take my gaze off the God that keeps me alive... I get busy. I have photo shoots. I have picture editing. I have a full-time job. I have friends hurting. I have heart aches of my own. I have life sweeping before my eyes. I need to pay bills. I still haven't done my budget. I have a niece and two nephews that I don't spend enough time with. I have things I want to do. There are ways I want to serve. I have paintings sitting in my room, blank canvases, waiting to be filled. I have debt I want to pay off. Conversations to be had. Wedding shoots coming up. Spiritual warfare to fight. Parties to be planned. I have issues to resolve. I have friends I want to show I love. I want to exercise everyday. I want to kill sin in me. I want to be a living light. I need more hours in a day. Relationships I want to invest in. Gifts I want to use. Dreams I want to come true. Oh... did I pray today. I haven't read my Bible in days... swirl, swirl swirl... makes your head spin too huh?!
In the midst of all that doing I forget to be still and know that He is God.... not me! As I sat under the sun, the warm falling all over me like a comforting blanket, it suddenly hit me... no matter what is swirling, God always is. No matter what deadline or pressure... He is. No matter what relationship I invest in... God is. No matter what heartache I struggle with... God is. No matter if I budget or not... He is. No matter if I am overwhelmed... He is. No matter if I can't do it all... God is!
Why does it take such drastic measures for me to realize I need Him. In this whirlwind of life... God is, God remains, He is the same yesterday, today and forever! No matter what may come in life... God is. He's the only Constant. He's the only Truth that remains. He's the only blessing that stays. He's it. He's all. He's everything!
Maybe I need to sit and gaze at the Son a lot more often!
Jesus, in my weakness, I believe, help my unbelief?!
Everlasting God... the song that fits what the LORD is as I rest in Him...
I carried my chair out near my Josephs Coat rose bush that is busting with blooms and plopped, sat, slouched and did nothing but tilt my head up and soak up some sun.
You can only guess the realization that hit me while sitting in the sun...duh Lindsey, I can only do and give sooo much...
I thought I knew this already and was living it out, but obviously I have been sucking it up in this area. Obviously I have given a lil too much, done a lil too much, not rested near enough and not taken care of me at all...because I completely lost it Tuesday. Everything seemed to be swirling around me like enveloping torrents of wind from a tornado, or maybe a black hole. Everything that I fear, care about, deeply desire, every struggle, heart ache and pain seemed to surface at once and I just knew for sure that I was going under!... Sooo, I've heeded good advice and parked my arse under the sun for the past couple days and done absolutely nothing besides soak in some Vitamin D and rest. As I was sitting doing nothing, of course my mind was still going, going, going, swirling, swirling, swirling... etc. etc. etc. ha! you get the idea...
But as I sat there with my face turned to the sun I was reminded of a simple, basic, essential Truth... that my stubborn @$$ forgets so often and easily.
God... Creator, Sustainer, Savior, Father, Refuge, Redeemer, LORD... IS!
I know... simple, right?!
It's just so easy for me to forget. In the midst of life I take my gaze off the God that keeps me alive... I get busy. I have photo shoots. I have picture editing. I have a full-time job. I have friends hurting. I have heart aches of my own. I have life sweeping before my eyes. I need to pay bills. I still haven't done my budget. I have a niece and two nephews that I don't spend enough time with. I have things I want to do. There are ways I want to serve. I have paintings sitting in my room, blank canvases, waiting to be filled. I have debt I want to pay off. Conversations to be had. Wedding shoots coming up. Spiritual warfare to fight. Parties to be planned. I have issues to resolve. I have friends I want to show I love. I want to exercise everyday. I want to kill sin in me. I want to be a living light. I need more hours in a day. Relationships I want to invest in. Gifts I want to use. Dreams I want to come true. Oh... did I pray today. I haven't read my Bible in days... swirl, swirl swirl... makes your head spin too huh?!
In the midst of all that doing I forget to be still and know that He is God.... not me! As I sat under the sun, the warm falling all over me like a comforting blanket, it suddenly hit me... no matter what is swirling, God always is. No matter what deadline or pressure... He is. No matter what relationship I invest in... God is. No matter what heartache I struggle with... God is. No matter if I budget or not... He is. No matter if I am overwhelmed... He is. No matter if I can't do it all... God is!
Why does it take such drastic measures for me to realize I need Him. In this whirlwind of life... God is, God remains, He is the same yesterday, today and forever! No matter what may come in life... God is. He's the only Constant. He's the only Truth that remains. He's the only blessing that stays. He's it. He's all. He's everything!
Maybe I need to sit and gaze at the Son a lot more often!
Jesus, in my weakness, I believe, help my unbelief?!
Everlasting God... the song that fits what the LORD is as I rest in Him...
Thursday, April 7, 2011
R + R
After a near catastrophic emotional breakdown yesterday... I have been forced to realize that sleep, rest, relaxation, down time, stopping to refresh oneself, lying down, cessation of exertion or labor, being at ease, being tranquil, being quiet, ceasing from motion, coming to rest, stopping, becoming or remaining inactive.... however you want to say it... to be still and know that He is God is a must!
Exhaustion and overwhelming emotion do not mix well! Understatement of the century! ha!
Every man's got to know his limitations -Clint Eastwood
And let's just put it this way... I hit my limit yesterday!
I am not superwoman, bionic woman, or any of those other super heroes in tights!, so I'm being intentional in resting...R + R...Rest + Relaxation...
Yey me! ha!
:)
Exhaustion and overwhelming emotion do not mix well! Understatement of the century! ha!
Every man's got to know his limitations -Clint Eastwood
And let's just put it this way... I hit my limit yesterday!
I am not superwoman, bionic woman, or any of those other super heroes in tights!, so I'm being intentional in resting...R + R...Rest + Relaxation...
Yey me! ha!
:)
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Just Breathe
"When my soul was embittered,
when I was pricked in heart,
I was brutish and ignorant;
I was like a beast toward you.
Nevertheless, I am continually with you;
you hold my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will receive me to glory.
Whom have I in heave but you?
And there is nothing on earth
that I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever...
...But for me it is good to be near God;
I have made the Lord God my refuge,
that I may tell of all your works."
- Psalm 73: 21-28
This morning was overwhelming with too much to list. My chest was heavy, thoughts racing, emotions high, tears flowing, energy hovering on E. Some days are just heavier and harder than others. When I really process through life, it's sometimes hard, painful really.
Today I have concentrated on breathing. haha, sounds easy enough, but when it hurts so much deep down in there, it hurts to breathe. Every now and then I take a deep breath and I can feel that heavy ache in my heart.
The first thing that came to mind was my flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Welp, today it feels as if my flesh and my heart are failing me. I can't see the purpose, the light, the answers, the good, His glory.
But I do see Him here, holding me together, helping me to just breathe... I believe, help my unbelief with each breath?!
when I was pricked in heart,
I was brutish and ignorant;
I was like a beast toward you.
Nevertheless, I am continually with you;
you hold my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will receive me to glory.
Whom have I in heave but you?
And there is nothing on earth
that I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever...
...But for me it is good to be near God;
I have made the Lord God my refuge,
that I may tell of all your works."
- Psalm 73: 21-28
This morning was overwhelming with too much to list. My chest was heavy, thoughts racing, emotions high, tears flowing, energy hovering on E. Some days are just heavier and harder than others. When I really process through life, it's sometimes hard, painful really.
Today I have concentrated on breathing. haha, sounds easy enough, but when it hurts so much deep down in there, it hurts to breathe. Every now and then I take a deep breath and I can feel that heavy ache in my heart.
The first thing that came to mind was my flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Welp, today it feels as if my flesh and my heart are failing me. I can't see the purpose, the light, the answers, the good, His glory.
But I do see Him here, holding me together, helping me to just breathe... I believe, help my unbelief with each breath?!
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Sandpaper + Bubbles = POP!
I love when light bulbs go off! Especially when a bulb dings regarding something I've been mulling over, struggling with, working through... While driving yesterday with my sweet Momma, a light bulb in my head and heart went ding ding! :) We were discussing my recent frustrations; my Momma is the best listener hands down... really the best Momma I've ever had! hahaha!
This is somewhat of how it went....
I am so frustrated that I don't feel like I can properly greive, cry, be sad, think or work through things without rubbing up against others who are not okay with me doing this. Nowadays I have really low days, sad days, crying days, frustrating days, processig days. On these days, when I am working through things my normal mode is to get really quiet. I am not my normal happy, smiling, bubbly, talkative and bouncy self. I stay to myself more, don't talk as much and do a lot of thinking.
It's happened just about every single time that, on these days, I encounter at least one person who has the brilliant inconsiderate advice of just smile, be happy, brush it off, don't let it get ya down...
I'm thinking, really?! Is that really what you want to say to me?! Obviously there is something going on and you want me to just smile and be happy?!
It's as if my mood and obvious sadness makes them uncomfortable. I completely understand not knowing what to say to someone who is going through a hard time, I've been on that end, but let me just confirm to just smile and be happy is in no way encouraging! So when this is the message I get from people around me, my usual remedy to the issue (which is really their issue, not mine) is to put a fake smile on my face and pretend I am okay for the time that I am physically in front of them. WOW! When I spell it out like that... that is just retarded!
For the longest time, it's been bothering me as to why people can't just let me be. I didn't get why it bothers people so much for me to not be happy, for my mood to not be bubbly. The greiving process has hurt like hell, but honestly the hardest part has been dealing with those around me that won't let me greive in front of them!
So Momma and I kept discussing and this is where the ding hit! I don't remember who came up with it, but the light bulb lit between our two heads, so there... ha!
In this world, in America especially, there is an unspoken shallowness that everything is good or fine. When you pass someone on the street you flippantly ask, 'how are you?', and keep on walking, because you're just being southern and fake friendly not because you really want to know. Americans work so hard at having it all together. We structure out worlds, jobs, families, houses, yards, friends, emotions, and interactions to have it all together. We set up our miniature god-like world where we are the boss, and where we control what goes on. We depend solely on ourselves, independent (or so we think) of outside help. We buy, build, spend, and flaunt to try and fool ourselves that nothing is wrong. We put a smile on and act like we are the happiest creatures on this planet. This is where the rub comes... When someone (like me) doesn't hold themselves together, and lets pain, heartache, brokenness, sadness, depression, tears and frustrations show through, it's like sandpaper rubbing up against a freshly blown bubble.
Not only are people uncomfortable with my brokenness that is showing through. They also feel helpless to fix me and selfishly don't want my pain to ruin their fake happy lil' bubbles that they've worked so hard to fortify. It's like we humans do whatever we possibly can to insulate ourselves in our bubbles as we float along so carefree and happy in the sky, avoiding, living ignorant, and turning a blind eye to what is really going on in the Earth that we are trying so hard to float over.
I can't judge here, because I used to work so hard at denial. I'm the queen of ignoring heartache and hurt feelings and painful emotions! I hate when my heart hurts! I used to do anything and everything to run away from heartache. But God, through His severe mercy and grace has me in a place of life where I am hurting and I can't run. I can't fix myself, I can't make the heart ache go away. I can't bring about the dreams I long for. So I ache, I cry, I hurt deep... and now on the other side, I am like the sandpaper to the bubbles of others around me. Why?
Because we as sinful humans are not okay with realizing and admitting our brokenness and neediness! Why would anyone want to live broken and needy? Why would anyone want to admit their own helplessness to fix themselves? Why would anyone want to feel their own heartache that they can't magically make disappear? The only reason to live outside this self-made bubble of happiness is if there is someone outside of me that's holding me up.
The only reason I am okay with being hurt, depressed, sad, down, low, tearful, broken, needy and helpless is because I know I am not the one that is holding me together to begin with. I no longer have a fake world of happiness to uphold. I no longer exercise control that I really don't have. I no longer think that I can fix myself... therefore I live broken, hurting, needy and helpless. The LORD popped my bubble and I fell right into the palm of His hands.
This doesn't set well with others. hahaha! Especially when they are working so hard to not realize all the above. So, just yesterday, I decided I am going to genuinely be sandpaper. As much as it hurts others, I refuse to be fake and act happy when I'm crushed inside. I refuse to put on a smile if it's not what is in my heart. I won't wallow and I won't greive without hope, but I will greive, ache and cry.
In this phase of my life, in this brokenness, in this extreme neediness, in this heartache... I will unintentionally burst bubbles. Not out of meanness, but out of my genuineness in living. Therefore, as I burst bubbles of fake happiness around me; As I intrude into lil' held together happy domains with my tears; As I live genuinely where God has me at each moment, day by day... I will show forth my weakness, pain and brokenness. While I live through this heart ache and pain, I will be genuine to who I am, showing forth my need for a Savior to hold me together.
I will be the sandpaper, not to show forth myself. I'm not asking for sympathy, charity, fixing, or empathy. I'm asking you to look deeper...to open your eyes and see that there is more to this life than floating in your happiy ignorant bubble, above the reality of a broken and needy human race, before a compassionate and loving God. So watch out bubble floaters... your world is about to be rocked! Or should I say popped?!
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamitites. For when I am weak, then I am strong." - 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
This is somewhat of how it went....
I am so frustrated that I don't feel like I can properly greive, cry, be sad, think or work through things without rubbing up against others who are not okay with me doing this. Nowadays I have really low days, sad days, crying days, frustrating days, processig days. On these days, when I am working through things my normal mode is to get really quiet. I am not my normal happy, smiling, bubbly, talkative and bouncy self. I stay to myself more, don't talk as much and do a lot of thinking.
It's happened just about every single time that, on these days, I encounter at least one person who has the brilliant inconsiderate advice of just smile, be happy, brush it off, don't let it get ya down...
I'm thinking, really?! Is that really what you want to say to me?! Obviously there is something going on and you want me to just smile and be happy?!
It's as if my mood and obvious sadness makes them uncomfortable. I completely understand not knowing what to say to someone who is going through a hard time, I've been on that end, but let me just confirm to just smile and be happy is in no way encouraging! So when this is the message I get from people around me, my usual remedy to the issue (which is really their issue, not mine) is to put a fake smile on my face and pretend I am okay for the time that I am physically in front of them. WOW! When I spell it out like that... that is just retarded!
For the longest time, it's been bothering me as to why people can't just let me be. I didn't get why it bothers people so much for me to not be happy, for my mood to not be bubbly. The greiving process has hurt like hell, but honestly the hardest part has been dealing with those around me that won't let me greive in front of them!
So Momma and I kept discussing and this is where the ding hit! I don't remember who came up with it, but the light bulb lit between our two heads, so there... ha!
In this world, in America especially, there is an unspoken shallowness that everything is good or fine. When you pass someone on the street you flippantly ask, 'how are you?', and keep on walking, because you're just being southern and fake friendly not because you really want to know. Americans work so hard at having it all together. We structure out worlds, jobs, families, houses, yards, friends, emotions, and interactions to have it all together. We set up our miniature god-like world where we are the boss, and where we control what goes on. We depend solely on ourselves, independent (or so we think) of outside help. We buy, build, spend, and flaunt to try and fool ourselves that nothing is wrong. We put a smile on and act like we are the happiest creatures on this planet. This is where the rub comes... When someone (like me) doesn't hold themselves together, and lets pain, heartache, brokenness, sadness, depression, tears and frustrations show through, it's like sandpaper rubbing up against a freshly blown bubble.
Not only are people uncomfortable with my brokenness that is showing through. They also feel helpless to fix me and selfishly don't want my pain to ruin their fake happy lil' bubbles that they've worked so hard to fortify. It's like we humans do whatever we possibly can to insulate ourselves in our bubbles as we float along so carefree and happy in the sky, avoiding, living ignorant, and turning a blind eye to what is really going on in the Earth that we are trying so hard to float over.
I can't judge here, because I used to work so hard at denial. I'm the queen of ignoring heartache and hurt feelings and painful emotions! I hate when my heart hurts! I used to do anything and everything to run away from heartache. But God, through His severe mercy and grace has me in a place of life where I am hurting and I can't run. I can't fix myself, I can't make the heart ache go away. I can't bring about the dreams I long for. So I ache, I cry, I hurt deep... and now on the other side, I am like the sandpaper to the bubbles of others around me. Why?
Because we as sinful humans are not okay with realizing and admitting our brokenness and neediness! Why would anyone want to live broken and needy? Why would anyone want to admit their own helplessness to fix themselves? Why would anyone want to feel their own heartache that they can't magically make disappear? The only reason to live outside this self-made bubble of happiness is if there is someone outside of me that's holding me up.
The only reason I am okay with being hurt, depressed, sad, down, low, tearful, broken, needy and helpless is because I know I am not the one that is holding me together to begin with. I no longer have a fake world of happiness to uphold. I no longer exercise control that I really don't have. I no longer think that I can fix myself... therefore I live broken, hurting, needy and helpless. The LORD popped my bubble and I fell right into the palm of His hands.
This doesn't set well with others. hahaha! Especially when they are working so hard to not realize all the above. So, just yesterday, I decided I am going to genuinely be sandpaper. As much as it hurts others, I refuse to be fake and act happy when I'm crushed inside. I refuse to put on a smile if it's not what is in my heart. I won't wallow and I won't greive without hope, but I will greive, ache and cry.
In this phase of my life, in this brokenness, in this extreme neediness, in this heartache... I will unintentionally burst bubbles. Not out of meanness, but out of my genuineness in living. Therefore, as I burst bubbles of fake happiness around me; As I intrude into lil' held together happy domains with my tears; As I live genuinely where God has me at each moment, day by day... I will show forth my weakness, pain and brokenness. While I live through this heart ache and pain, I will be genuine to who I am, showing forth my need for a Savior to hold me together.
I will be the sandpaper, not to show forth myself. I'm not asking for sympathy, charity, fixing, or empathy. I'm asking you to look deeper...to open your eyes and see that there is more to this life than floating in your happiy ignorant bubble, above the reality of a broken and needy human race, before a compassionate and loving God. So watch out bubble floaters... your world is about to be rocked! Or should I say popped?!
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamitites. For when I am weak, then I am strong." - 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
Retinal Reflections
I sat in church Sunday... Communion was being served. Beautiful, worshipful music was coming from the piano. An amazing sermon was just preached and taken in regarding the huge heart of God to forgive us our sins. I sat in awe. I sat aware of how small I really am. I sat with my heart heavy and eyes opened to my sin-fullness. I sat knowing myself well enough to know I don't love the Lord as He deserves. I sat knowing my independent, rebellious heart. I sat full of guilt. I sat staring at the huge wooden cross which hangs in the front of our Church. With tears flowing down my face, I sat and stared at the cross of Christ, where my forgiveness and key to life lies. I closed my eyes... praying the Lord would forgive me for my innate tendencies to run from Him.
As I closed my eyes, I could still see the cross. I had stared at it for just long enough for it's image to burn in my retina. I sat looking at the reflection of the cross in my closed eyes... and prayed Lord keep me here, at Your Cross, always seeing it before me!? Please keep me here?! Hold me here?! As I prayed the retinal burned reflection of the cross I was seeing faded away slowly. Therefore, I had to open my eyes to look on the cross again.
It was a great imagery for me, for my heart. If/when I look upon the Cross of Christ for any length of time, then even when I look away I can still see Him for a time. But in my sinfully deceitful wicked heart I can't keep Him there in the forefront of my mind and heart. I stray... way too easily I stray. Trials and tribulations come, life happens, I close my eyes in fear, or run the other way in survival mode and the Cross fades, and I keep going, making my own way. When I don't see it anymore in my line of sight, I think He has left, He's gone, left me here, alone.
If only I would open my eyes again to gaze upon His Cross. He's always here. In one act of rebellion I simply close my eyes to Him. I might not run every time, although it's more often than I like, but nonetheless I willingly close my eyes to Him and it doesn't take too long to forget Him. Sad but true...
What a good reminder to turn my eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face... and the things of Earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace.
Jesus, I believe, help my unbelief?! And keep my focus and gaze upone You alone!?
As I closed my eyes, I could still see the cross. I had stared at it for just long enough for it's image to burn in my retina. I sat looking at the reflection of the cross in my closed eyes... and prayed Lord keep me here, at Your Cross, always seeing it before me!? Please keep me here?! Hold me here?! As I prayed the retinal burned reflection of the cross I was seeing faded away slowly. Therefore, I had to open my eyes to look on the cross again.
It was a great imagery for me, for my heart. If/when I look upon the Cross of Christ for any length of time, then even when I look away I can still see Him for a time. But in my sinfully deceitful wicked heart I can't keep Him there in the forefront of my mind and heart. I stray... way too easily I stray. Trials and tribulations come, life happens, I close my eyes in fear, or run the other way in survival mode and the Cross fades, and I keep going, making my own way. When I don't see it anymore in my line of sight, I think He has left, He's gone, left me here, alone.
If only I would open my eyes again to gaze upon His Cross. He's always here. In one act of rebellion I simply close my eyes to Him. I might not run every time, although it's more often than I like, but nonetheless I willingly close my eyes to Him and it doesn't take too long to forget Him. Sad but true...
What a good reminder to turn my eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face... and the things of Earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace.
Jesus, I believe, help my unbelief?! And keep my focus and gaze upone You alone!?
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Light vs. Dark
It's amazing to me the drastic difference light makes, seen and unseen....
This week I have been house sitting for a family who is vacationing at the beach. I have always loved being at their house, it's warm, cozy, full of character, laughter and love. A lot of that has to do with the people that live in the house. I love them to pieces.
So this week I have noticed several obvious things! A house is a lot bigger when no one is there but me! And let's just say, I've never been a fan of big houses, much less a big house where I am the only one occupying it! AHHHHHH! It's just creepy! too much space and emptiness! ha!
I have also noticed it gets dark at night! bwahahaha, just cracked myself up! duh! lol... I have never liked the dark. I especially don't like the dark in a big house, where again, I am the only one occupying it.
Before the sun sets I am great, at ease, going outside, watering plants, taking the garbage out in the garage, doing laundry, etc. I can see everything around me. I know what's there in front of me. I am aware of everything before me and behind me for that matter. Then... dah...dah...dah...dah...scary music...the sun sets. It gradually gets dimmer, and I can't see as well. Then it's pitch black and I can't see what's beyond the windows. I can't see in the backyard garden. I can see in the garage because, well, I keep the light on until I go to bed. Even going from room to room, I turn on lights... I can't see in the next room, I can't see in dark corners... where last week one of the kids jumped out and scared the bajeeeeeeeeezus out of me! Yeah, he got sucker punched! I warned him! hahaha!
At night I am more aware that I cannot see, my knowledge and visibility are limited and fear and uncertainty sets in. Once again, I have never liked the dark... maybe it's my extremely vivid imagination, or amplified fears, or awareness of who rules the night air. All of these things play into the simple fact that I just like sunshine and light! ha! Dark and night are for sleeping! :)
So for the past week I have kept doors closed to dark rooms, left hall lights on, bolstered my mind to just not worry about what is going on behind the wide open uncovered windows, out in the dark yard. I go upstairs, leave the bathroom light on and lay down with a pistol by the bed... ha!
This is the seen (visible, tangible) of light vs. dark!
As always there is more to the seen that just what you see. I know, sounds funny, but it's true. The unseen sometimes seems even more real than the seen, especially at night when you can't see. This is where my imagination and inability to see make a mess of my mind. This is also what drives me to realize some Truths in the midst of darkness and pushes me to think deeper.
1. God is light... praise His Name, hallelujah!!
2. God drives out darkness...wooohooo!
3. God is love.
4. Perfect love drives out fear! yehessssss
5. Satan is the prince of the night... booooo hisssssssss!
6. God never sleeps, doesn't need too.
7. God sees all...even what I cannot see in darkness
8. God is in control over all things, even the ol' lurky one!
9. Even the darkness cannot hide Him.
10. He protects.
11. He guides...His Word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.
So as I lay down at night on guard, because I can't see and uptight because my knowledge and visibility are limited... I am (I gotta be honest) slightly comforted that He is light and all of those things that I cannot be. I am so very thankful that He also knows me and has put the knowledge of Himself in my heart. So eventually I fall asleep reminding myself that He is awake and active and in me. Which also leads to the imagery in my head that as I walk through a dark house my heart and head glows like a 100 watt energy saver light bulb. ha! Told ya my imagination ran wild!
So with Him in me and me in Him we shine and He drives away darkness as I go. This also brings me to more imagery. This path I walk from day to day lately has seemed dark, filled with darkness actually. I don't know where He is leading. I don't know what He's up to. I don't know why He is doing what He's doing. I don't know what His good is. I don't know what or who is right around the next corner ready to pounce. I don't know what obstacles are coming. As a sinful human, my knowledge and visibility are limited. I often feel like I'm wandering around in a dark room with my arms out in front of me trying to feel my way through to find something familiar or locate the right direction I'm supposed to be going, or seeking for something that is comforting in the darkness. I am realizing He doesn't always shine His light way ahead. He doesn't light the path days, months or even years down the road. He gives me just enough light to illuminate where my feet are going to touch ground right now, in this step. Only this step is visible.
Recently I came across a new favorite verse. My verse of the year actually, and in that verse I am loving this section... "and your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, "this is the way, walk in it," when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left..."
It comforts me with all this visible and invisible surrounding darkness that He is in me, around me, behind me, working through me and walking with me. So as I feel like I am wandering in the darkness... He is light and He is leading me. Praise God He lives in me and is active, at work, purging darkness and filling me with His light, one step at a time.
I believe, even in the midst of darkness... help my unbelief?!
This week I have been house sitting for a family who is vacationing at the beach. I have always loved being at their house, it's warm, cozy, full of character, laughter and love. A lot of that has to do with the people that live in the house. I love them to pieces.
So this week I have noticed several obvious things! A house is a lot bigger when no one is there but me! And let's just say, I've never been a fan of big houses, much less a big house where I am the only one occupying it! AHHHHHH! It's just creepy! too much space and emptiness! ha!
I have also noticed it gets dark at night! bwahahaha, just cracked myself up! duh! lol... I have never liked the dark. I especially don't like the dark in a big house, where again, I am the only one occupying it.
Before the sun sets I am great, at ease, going outside, watering plants, taking the garbage out in the garage, doing laundry, etc. I can see everything around me. I know what's there in front of me. I am aware of everything before me and behind me for that matter. Then... dah...dah...dah...dah...scary music...the sun sets. It gradually gets dimmer, and I can't see as well. Then it's pitch black and I can't see what's beyond the windows. I can't see in the backyard garden. I can see in the garage because, well, I keep the light on until I go to bed. Even going from room to room, I turn on lights... I can't see in the next room, I can't see in dark corners... where last week one of the kids jumped out and scared the bajeeeeeeeeezus out of me! Yeah, he got sucker punched! I warned him! hahaha!
At night I am more aware that I cannot see, my knowledge and visibility are limited and fear and uncertainty sets in. Once again, I have never liked the dark... maybe it's my extremely vivid imagination, or amplified fears, or awareness of who rules the night air. All of these things play into the simple fact that I just like sunshine and light! ha! Dark and night are for sleeping! :)
So for the past week I have kept doors closed to dark rooms, left hall lights on, bolstered my mind to just not worry about what is going on behind the wide open uncovered windows, out in the dark yard. I go upstairs, leave the bathroom light on and lay down with a pistol by the bed... ha!
This is the seen (visible, tangible) of light vs. dark!
As always there is more to the seen that just what you see. I know, sounds funny, but it's true. The unseen sometimes seems even more real than the seen, especially at night when you can't see. This is where my imagination and inability to see make a mess of my mind. This is also what drives me to realize some Truths in the midst of darkness and pushes me to think deeper.
1. God is light... praise His Name, hallelujah!!
2. God drives out darkness...wooohooo!
3. God is love.
4. Perfect love drives out fear! yehessssss
5. Satan is the prince of the night... booooo hisssssssss!
6. God never sleeps, doesn't need too.
7. God sees all...even what I cannot see in darkness
8. God is in control over all things, even the ol' lurky one!
9. Even the darkness cannot hide Him.
10. He protects.
11. He guides...His Word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.
So as I lay down at night on guard, because I can't see and uptight because my knowledge and visibility are limited... I am (I gotta be honest) slightly comforted that He is light and all of those things that I cannot be. I am so very thankful that He also knows me and has put the knowledge of Himself in my heart. So eventually I fall asleep reminding myself that He is awake and active and in me. Which also leads to the imagery in my head that as I walk through a dark house my heart and head glows like a 100 watt energy saver light bulb. ha! Told ya my imagination ran wild!
So with Him in me and me in Him we shine and He drives away darkness as I go. This also brings me to more imagery. This path I walk from day to day lately has seemed dark, filled with darkness actually. I don't know where He is leading. I don't know what He's up to. I don't know why He is doing what He's doing. I don't know what His good is. I don't know what or who is right around the next corner ready to pounce. I don't know what obstacles are coming. As a sinful human, my knowledge and visibility are limited. I often feel like I'm wandering around in a dark room with my arms out in front of me trying to feel my way through to find something familiar or locate the right direction I'm supposed to be going, or seeking for something that is comforting in the darkness. I am realizing He doesn't always shine His light way ahead. He doesn't light the path days, months or even years down the road. He gives me just enough light to illuminate where my feet are going to touch ground right now, in this step. Only this step is visible.
Recently I came across a new favorite verse. My verse of the year actually, and in that verse I am loving this section... "and your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, "this is the way, walk in it," when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left..."
It comforts me with all this visible and invisible surrounding darkness that He is in me, around me, behind me, working through me and walking with me. So as I feel like I am wandering in the darkness... He is light and He is leading me. Praise God He lives in me and is active, at work, purging darkness and filling me with His light, one step at a time.
I believe, even in the midst of darkness... help my unbelief?!
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Sweet Words
"The heavens declare the glory of God,
and the sky above proclaims his handiwork.
Day to day pours out speech,
and night to night reveals knowledge.
There is no speech, nor are there words,
whose voice is not heard.
Their voice goes out through all the earth,
and their words to the end of the world.
In them he has set a tent for the sun,
which comes out like a bridegroom
leaving his chamber, and like a strong man,
runs it course with joy.
Its rising is from the end of the heavens,
and its circuit to the end of them, and
there is nothing hidden from its heat.
The law of the LORD is perfect,
reviving the soul;
the testimony of the LORD is sure,
making wise the simple;
the precepts of the LORD are right,
rejoicing the heart;
the commandment of the LORD is pure,
enlightening the eyes;
the fear of the LORD is clean,
enduring forever;
the rules of the LORD are true;
and righteous altogether.
More to be desired are they than gold,
even much fine gold;
sweeter also than honey and
drippings of the honeycomb.
Moreover, by them is your servent warned;
in keeping them there is great reward.
Who can discern his errors?
Declare me innocent from hidden faults.
Keep back your servent also from
presumptuous sins; let them not
have dominion over me!
Then shall I be blameless, and
innocent of great transgression.
Let the words of my mouth and the
mediation of my heart be acceptable
in your sight, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer.
- Psalm 19
Today I am thankful that His Word taste sweet as honey... it has not always been so. Today is actually a first in a long time! He is at work! Praise God! He is my song of joy! Thank You for answering me...
I believe LORD Jesus, help my weak unbelief?!
Embrace Suffering... WTH?!
I was sent some sweet encouragement from a sweet blessing of a friend this morning... it read this...
" He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds." -Psalm 147: 3
It was like a big ol hug around my aching heart! Which left me wanting more... so after I got to work, and after reading a sweet friend's email of heart struggle... I needed more! So I looked up that verse... then my chin hit the floor and ugly words rolled out! hahaha
This is what I read...
"Praise the Lord!
For it is good to sing praises to our God;
for it is pleasant, and a song of praise is fitting.
The LORD builds up Jerusalem;
he gathers the outcasts of Israel.
He heals the brokenhearted
and binds up their wounds.
He determines the number of the stars;
he gives to all of them their names.
Great is our Lord, and abundant in power;
his understanding is beyond measure.
The LORD lifts up the humble;
he casts the wicked to the ground..."
-Psalm 147:1-6
Even as I'm about to type this I'm still cringing... eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek! ha! Because this Psalm is asking me to do something I hate, something I run from, something I've never done in my life. In this Psalm, Jesus is asking me to embrace suffering for His glory! What?!?!!? To go along with the title... WHAT THE HELL?!?! Insert more ugly words here!
Embrace suffering?! Really?! Are you sure?! Re-read one more time... and insert more ugly words... ha!
This is fo sho not a natural instinct, I don't jump at this opportunity...I don't wanna!!!
As I sat with my jaw on the floor, it all began to sink in my heart and the WTH moment got a lil worse... I know, I know, could it really get worse?! YES! Because not only is Jesus asking me to embrace suffering, but He's telling me to praise Him in the midst of it! Insert another ugly.... well, you get the idea!
It says praise the Lord!...sing praises...for it is pleasant...a song of praise is fitting...
What the frickin _________ beeeeeeeeeeeeeeep?! FITTING?!?! PRAISE IN THE MIDST OF BROKENHEARTEDNESS IS FITTING?!
That one is hard to swallow...
The Lord has had me, and very close friends around me, in a hard place for a while now. A place of heartache, brokenness, longing, grieving, waiting, and ugh.... I cringe to say it... trusting.
As I read this, and then wrote to encourage a sweet friend, I, myself, was reminded of His Truth! WOW! It's amazing when the Spirit speaks, the Bible just kind of de-codes itself!
In the midst of my brokenheartedness, as my heart is wounded and aching... He's here. Not only is He here, He's abundantly powerful, caring, understanding... and yet, at the same time... He's the God who gives the stars their names! Sooo big, yet soooo personal! Giving the stars their names, healing broken hearts and binding wounds all in one breath!!! WHOA!
If He gives the stars their names.... How much more does He know my name and the names of my family in Christ that are suffering. Not only that, but if He gave all the stars their names.... then surely He knows the name of my husband, my unborn children... the deep longings and aches of my heart! AND He understands... whew! This is big Truth... hard Truth... a double edged sword... it cuts, yet heals and feels wonderful even as the sword penetrates my heart!
He is understanding beyond measure!
I'm in shock that I was sent that verse this morning and the verses above fit so well with where I am!
Coincidence?! Negative! ha!
As I struggle to trust Him, His goodness, His faithfulness, His safety (since He's not safe, but good)... all I can do really is pray He will show up in my time of heartache and need.
One reason these verses floor me, and why I struggle so deep, is because I know that God is not obligated to give me anything good. He is under no obligation, no rules, that say He has to bless me in any way...and He especially doesn't bless me just as a result of my weak attempts to obey and trust Him!
But in the same breath I'm reminded, even though He's not obligated... He wants to. He wants to give me all good things! He is my heavenly Father that is for me at all times. What sucks is the grind that hits where my good vs. His good are not the same things! 99.999999999999% of the time I can bank on that one! ha! Which brings my heart right back around to struggling. I could go in this circle of thinking all day long!
But I won't take ya back around for that loop again.... ha!
What stands out in that circle of weak faith that I keep lapping is... Him.
He's worthy of praise.
It's fitting to sing a song of praise to Him.
He binds wounds.
He heals broken hearts.
He understands.
He is abundantly powerful.
He gives stars their names.
He builds up.
He gathers the outcasts.
He determines.
He lifts up the humble.
He is great...
I'm seeing a pattern here... duh Lindsey!! It's not about me...It's all about Him! He's the One that does for me. He does everything in those verses! I mean ev-er-y-thing! And there is no deal made, obey me, trust me and I will do these things...no! It's praise the Lord!...sing praises to our God...a song of praise is fitting... well when ya think about it that way... of course it's fitting! He is my everything when I have done nothing to deserve Him! He is my Redeemer and Healer and Savior and Shephard and Comfort, when all I do is doubt, fear, shake in my heels, turn and run, harden my heart.... WOW! Speechlessness.....
Lord put a song in my heart...right here, in the middle of heartache, so I can sing for joy to You! Even when I don't get my way, and am throwing a 2 yr. old fit, even in the middle of suffering loved ones, even when broken hearts abound, even when I strive and seek for more to fill me than You alone... be my Portion? Show up?...Make my heart know You are here. Where would I be without Your love, grace, kindness, mercy and salvation?! Whew!
I believe LORD Jesus, help my weak, fickle, unbelief?!
" He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds." -Psalm 147: 3
It was like a big ol hug around my aching heart! Which left me wanting more... so after I got to work, and after reading a sweet friend's email of heart struggle... I needed more! So I looked up that verse... then my chin hit the floor and ugly words rolled out! hahaha
This is what I read...
"Praise the Lord!
For it is good to sing praises to our God;
for it is pleasant, and a song of praise is fitting.
The LORD builds up Jerusalem;
he gathers the outcasts of Israel.
He heals the brokenhearted
and binds up their wounds.
He determines the number of the stars;
he gives to all of them their names.
Great is our Lord, and abundant in power;
his understanding is beyond measure.
The LORD lifts up the humble;
he casts the wicked to the ground..."
-Psalm 147:1-6
Even as I'm about to type this I'm still cringing... eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek! ha! Because this Psalm is asking me to do something I hate, something I run from, something I've never done in my life. In this Psalm, Jesus is asking me to embrace suffering for His glory! What?!?!!? To go along with the title... WHAT THE HELL?!?! Insert more ugly words here!
Embrace suffering?! Really?! Are you sure?! Re-read one more time... and insert more ugly words... ha!
This is fo sho not a natural instinct, I don't jump at this opportunity...I don't wanna!!!
As I sat with my jaw on the floor, it all began to sink in my heart and the WTH moment got a lil worse... I know, I know, could it really get worse?! YES! Because not only is Jesus asking me to embrace suffering, but He's telling me to praise Him in the midst of it! Insert another ugly.... well, you get the idea!
It says praise the Lord!...sing praises...for it is pleasant...a song of praise is fitting...
What the frickin _________ beeeeeeeeeeeeeeep?! FITTING?!?! PRAISE IN THE MIDST OF BROKENHEARTEDNESS IS FITTING?!
That one is hard to swallow...
The Lord has had me, and very close friends around me, in a hard place for a while now. A place of heartache, brokenness, longing, grieving, waiting, and ugh.... I cringe to say it... trusting.
As I read this, and then wrote to encourage a sweet friend, I, myself, was reminded of His Truth! WOW! It's amazing when the Spirit speaks, the Bible just kind of de-codes itself!
In the midst of my brokenheartedness, as my heart is wounded and aching... He's here. Not only is He here, He's abundantly powerful, caring, understanding... and yet, at the same time... He's the God who gives the stars their names! Sooo big, yet soooo personal! Giving the stars their names, healing broken hearts and binding wounds all in one breath!!! WHOA!
If He gives the stars their names.... How much more does He know my name and the names of my family in Christ that are suffering. Not only that, but if He gave all the stars their names.... then surely He knows the name of my husband, my unborn children... the deep longings and aches of my heart! AND He understands... whew! This is big Truth... hard Truth... a double edged sword... it cuts, yet heals and feels wonderful even as the sword penetrates my heart!
He is understanding beyond measure!
I'm in shock that I was sent that verse this morning and the verses above fit so well with where I am!
Coincidence?! Negative! ha!
As I struggle to trust Him, His goodness, His faithfulness, His safety (since He's not safe, but good)... all I can do really is pray He will show up in my time of heartache and need.
One reason these verses floor me, and why I struggle so deep, is because I know that God is not obligated to give me anything good. He is under no obligation, no rules, that say He has to bless me in any way...and He especially doesn't bless me just as a result of my weak attempts to obey and trust Him!
But in the same breath I'm reminded, even though He's not obligated... He wants to. He wants to give me all good things! He is my heavenly Father that is for me at all times. What sucks is the grind that hits where my good vs. His good are not the same things! 99.999999999999% of the time I can bank on that one! ha! Which brings my heart right back around to struggling. I could go in this circle of thinking all day long!
But I won't take ya back around for that loop again.... ha!
What stands out in that circle of weak faith that I keep lapping is... Him.
He's worthy of praise.
It's fitting to sing a song of praise to Him.
He binds wounds.
He heals broken hearts.
He understands.
He is abundantly powerful.
He gives stars their names.
He builds up.
He gathers the outcasts.
He determines.
He lifts up the humble.
He is great...
I'm seeing a pattern here... duh Lindsey!! It's not about me...It's all about Him! He's the One that does for me. He does everything in those verses! I mean ev-er-y-thing! And there is no deal made, obey me, trust me and I will do these things...no! It's praise the Lord!...sing praises to our God...a song of praise is fitting... well when ya think about it that way... of course it's fitting! He is my everything when I have done nothing to deserve Him! He is my Redeemer and Healer and Savior and Shephard and Comfort, when all I do is doubt, fear, shake in my heels, turn and run, harden my heart.... WOW! Speechlessness.....
Lord put a song in my heart...right here, in the middle of heartache, so I can sing for joy to You! Even when I don't get my way, and am throwing a 2 yr. old fit, even in the middle of suffering loved ones, even when broken hearts abound, even when I strive and seek for more to fill me than You alone... be my Portion? Show up?...Make my heart know You are here. Where would I be without Your love, grace, kindness, mercy and salvation?! Whew!
I believe LORD Jesus, help my weak, fickle, unbelief?!
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Pain Megaphone
"The LORD God whispers to us in our pleasures, but He shouts in our pains... it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world." -CS Lewis
All I can say is the LORD seems to shouting into my soul this week...
I don't have the answers, hell, I can barely stand the weight of the pain...
All I can do is turn to Him and plead mercy, and wait for Him....which I royally suck at most of the time!
I just finished listening to Pastor Mike, the sermon of God's love and faithfulness.
If you're experiencing pain, loss, heartache... click the link above.
Seek His face... wait patiently for Him.
It's all we can do in our weakness and need... which is where we are all the time, realized or not!
Lord Jesus I believe, help my unbelief?!
All I can say is the LORD seems to shouting into my soul this week...
I don't have the answers, hell, I can barely stand the weight of the pain...
All I can do is turn to Him and plead mercy, and wait for Him....which I royally suck at most of the time!
I just finished listening to Pastor Mike, the sermon of God's love and faithfulness.
If you're experiencing pain, loss, heartache... click the link above.
Seek His face... wait patiently for Him.
It's all we can do in our weakness and need... which is where we are all the time, realized or not!
Lord Jesus I believe, help my unbelief?!
Monday, March 28, 2011
Gladiator Questions
We sat on separate couches across the play room from each other. We were both snuggled under blankets on a lazy Sunday afternoon, watching Gladiator after eating a huge breakfast at Cracker Barrel. Over the weekend I would routinely look over to check on him, making sure there weren't random tears falling out, or double checking to make sure he was still engaged in the movie. I could tell this with this glance that his mind was wandering. He was off in another world. With this glance I caught his eye and he began asking questions...
M- "Lindsey, when you go to college, and you pick a major, do they arrange your classes to go along with what you want to do?"
L- They sure do.
M- "So whatever I want to do, those are the classes that I will take?"
L- Yep, you'll have to take some core, basic classes, but then you can focus on what you want to do. Then comes the fun stuff.
M- "What was your major?"
L- hahaha! me thinking back, Biblical Studies.
M- Www...well, what did you want to do with that; be a missionary?"
L- I have been a missionary, I lived in the Philippines for 2.5 years.
M- "But when you picked that major is that what you wanted to do?"
L- No
M- "So what did you want to do?"
L- Be a Mom.
M- "A what? A bomb?"
L- hahahahahaha... No, a mom, a mother, raise a family.
M- "Ohhhhh! Like my mom does?"
L- Yep, like your mom does.
M- "Oh, okay."
And then our eyes reverted back to watching Gladiator again. The questions were over. The thought process completed. I smiled and then lost myself again in the movie, escaping the punch I had just received in my gut. Simple, genuine curiosity from a sweet, sweet boy that hit hard, uncovering deep wounds in my heart that I carefully guard and keep covered.
Today there is no movie, only frustrating work and quiet time that gives opportunity for the sucker punch to set in...
Why Lord have You not blessed me with a family and kids?
Why do You bless some with children, when some of them don't even want them?
Why have You given me this gift with children and no children to disciple?
Why did You give me this deep longing and no answer to it?
Why do You keep reminding me of what I don't have?
Why do You give such deep desires for good things that go unfulfilled?
Why do You give children to parents who don't give two shits?
Why, why, why?
Why do You give children a wonderful father and then take him home?
Why are there orphaned children? Abused children? Homeless children? Unloved children?
Why do You allow all these heartaches?!
Why, why, why?....
I could go on for days with those kind of questions that bubble up from a wound that won't heal, a desire that won't go away, a heart that won't stop hurting, questions that never get answered, time that seems to keep passing. I don't know why...
And I'm reminded of the sermon on Job that my pastor recently preached, wherein he said, "Wait patiently for the LORD and He will show up!"
Lord I'm waiting...
LORD give me a heart's desire to wait on YOU alone, not on Your gifts, not on Your blessings, not on Your signs and wonders, not on Your answers to my every question... just You.
LORD help me to wait for You alone!
Even if you never give me what my heart desires... please Jesus give me You!
I believe Jesus, help my unbelief!?!
M- "Lindsey, when you go to college, and you pick a major, do they arrange your classes to go along with what you want to do?"
L- They sure do.
M- "So whatever I want to do, those are the classes that I will take?"
L- Yep, you'll have to take some core, basic classes, but then you can focus on what you want to do. Then comes the fun stuff.
M- "What was your major?"
L- hahaha! me thinking back, Biblical Studies.
M- Www...well, what did you want to do with that; be a missionary?"
L- I have been a missionary, I lived in the Philippines for 2.5 years.
M- "But when you picked that major is that what you wanted to do?"
L- No
M- "So what did you want to do?"
L- Be a Mom.
M- "A what? A bomb?"
L- hahahahahaha... No, a mom, a mother, raise a family.
M- "Ohhhhh! Like my mom does?"
L- Yep, like your mom does.
M- "Oh, okay."
And then our eyes reverted back to watching Gladiator again. The questions were over. The thought process completed. I smiled and then lost myself again in the movie, escaping the punch I had just received in my gut. Simple, genuine curiosity from a sweet, sweet boy that hit hard, uncovering deep wounds in my heart that I carefully guard and keep covered.
Today there is no movie, only frustrating work and quiet time that gives opportunity for the sucker punch to set in...
Why Lord have You not blessed me with a family and kids?
Why do You bless some with children, when some of them don't even want them?
Why have You given me this gift with children and no children to disciple?
Why did You give me this deep longing and no answer to it?
Why do You keep reminding me of what I don't have?
Why do You give such deep desires for good things that go unfulfilled?
Why do You give children to parents who don't give two shits?
Why, why, why?
Why do You give children a wonderful father and then take him home?
Why are there orphaned children? Abused children? Homeless children? Unloved children?
Why do You allow all these heartaches?!
Why, why, why?....
I could go on for days with those kind of questions that bubble up from a wound that won't heal, a desire that won't go away, a heart that won't stop hurting, questions that never get answered, time that seems to keep passing. I don't know why...
And I'm reminded of the sermon on Job that my pastor recently preached, wherein he said, "Wait patiently for the LORD and He will show up!"
Lord I'm waiting...
LORD give me a heart's desire to wait on YOU alone, not on Your gifts, not on Your blessings, not on Your signs and wonders, not on Your answers to my every question... just You.
LORD help me to wait for You alone!
Even if you never give me what my heart desires... please Jesus give me You!
I believe Jesus, help my unbelief!?!
Plaque Buildup
Ya know that feeling on your teeth after a day of eating junk food. Or maybe it was a long hard day and you're just too tired to brush your teeth at night... I know, gross! But admit it, if I do it every blue moon, being the teeth fanatic that I am, I know you do too! It's that coating, layer, like fuzzy feeling of plaque build up on your teeth. I hate it! It's gross and I can't handle it for too long... So I get my tooth brush and brush the crap out of them, I mean I lay those stiff bristles to my teeth, brushing abrasively to get rid of that gross plaque buildup feeling.
I got that picture just now while sitting at my computer, working on updating a Court docket, obviously now stopped because I could not see through my tears...
This past weekend was a plaque build up weekend, there was no time to "brush my teeth". haha! Of course I brushed my teeth this weekend! I'm referring to the emotional plaque build up that seems to settle on my heart when I don't brush regularly. It happens every now and then, when I don't have time to process or when I really don't know what is going on inside me and likewise haven't taken the time to do introspection to find out.
This weekend was just that. It started last Thursday with dinner out at Papitos with my sweet lil sisser. It was a fun night, but different nonetheless... life will never be the same after the loss of a beloved father. Then, instead of just house sitting, I got the privilege of kid sitting, we'll say kid, because M- is twelve... so no longer babysitting. :)
It was such a fun weekend of... Just Dance, the movie Shooter, going to a Pearl High School Pirates baseball game, lunch at Canes, Tombstone (love that movie), then a family photo shoot, then dinner out at P.F. Changs followed by renting the movie RED, then coffee at Church, then brunch at Cracker Barrel, then getting halfway through Gladiator... all with my lil Bro, M-. He's such a great kid! We've never had one on one time before, because it's always been with his sisters and me, but this weekend was ours. Nothing but fun, talk of guns and games and movies and etc....etc...etc... Our fun ended with a all of us holding hands in a circle in the kitchen, Mama J. asking me to pray for their vacation...something her husband, their father, always did.
I enjoyed every second of the weekend! Yet, while I was enjoying being and playing with Michael all weekend, one on one, and catching up with the girls before they left.... my heart was also hurting, reaching out, burdened, ministering, being strong, loving, protecting, encouraging and caring... all without any thought of what was going on inside me....emotional plaque buildup!
So this week I am house sitting for this sweet family and now I have some down time. As I sit and work on this docket my mind swarms through conversations we had, jokes we told, laughter we cackled, questions he asked, spit balls we spit, hahaha! What a fun weekend... what a great kid... what a great family... that is now less one vital member.
It takes me a while to get here, but slowly the Lord brings things (abrasive things / frustrations) to start brushing the plaque off, breaking down the walls, getting to the heart of the matter. It goes something like this.... waking up late, being late to work, a frustrating day, a rude person on the phone, accusations fly, the stapler jams, I can't seem to catch up, I break a nail reloading the stapler... and then the tears start to fall. I wonder how many times would we have spent qt time if M-'s dad was still here? My heart aches as I try, with little success, to love through frustrations and attitudes. I hurt knowing the house is empty because the family is on a hard family vacation. The buildup has set in over four days... and today, now, is the first time I've had to process.
Emotional plaque buildup and the abrasiveness that ya have to have to get it off sucks! I hate heart hurt. I hate crying. I hate heartaches that are not fixable. I hate questions that are unanswerable. I hate that there is death. I hate that kids have to struggle through emotions of losing a father. I hate that I can't fix it. I hate that just being there never feels like it's enough and yet it's all I can do...
The plaque is brushed away as the tears fall. I am thankful that I know the LORD who is in control at all times. I'm thankful there is no plaque buildup with Him. I am thankful that He has each day in His hand and is here, loving amidst the heartache and pain. I am thankful the most I can do for them, is pray!
I'm thankful that even though I don't know the whys, I know Him, I AM.
Please LORD Jesus, as I live day to day in this difficult life, Please continue to remove the plaque build up, no matter the abrasiveness it may take... I would rather hurt under the pain of You, being here, brushing my heart, than to have emotions build up that cover and protect my heart from YOU.
I believe LORD Jesus, help my unbelief?!
I got that picture just now while sitting at my computer, working on updating a Court docket, obviously now stopped because I could not see through my tears...
This past weekend was a plaque build up weekend, there was no time to "brush my teeth". haha! Of course I brushed my teeth this weekend! I'm referring to the emotional plaque build up that seems to settle on my heart when I don't brush regularly. It happens every now and then, when I don't have time to process or when I really don't know what is going on inside me and likewise haven't taken the time to do introspection to find out.
This weekend was just that. It started last Thursday with dinner out at Papitos with my sweet lil sisser. It was a fun night, but different nonetheless... life will never be the same after the loss of a beloved father. Then, instead of just house sitting, I got the privilege of kid sitting, we'll say kid, because M- is twelve... so no longer babysitting. :)
It was such a fun weekend of... Just Dance, the movie Shooter, going to a Pearl High School Pirates baseball game, lunch at Canes, Tombstone (love that movie), then a family photo shoot, then dinner out at P.F. Changs followed by renting the movie RED, then coffee at Church, then brunch at Cracker Barrel, then getting halfway through Gladiator... all with my lil Bro, M-. He's such a great kid! We've never had one on one time before, because it's always been with his sisters and me, but this weekend was ours. Nothing but fun, talk of guns and games and movies and etc....etc...etc... Our fun ended with a all of us holding hands in a circle in the kitchen, Mama J. asking me to pray for their vacation...something her husband, their father, always did.
I enjoyed every second of the weekend! Yet, while I was enjoying being and playing with Michael all weekend, one on one, and catching up with the girls before they left.... my heart was also hurting, reaching out, burdened, ministering, being strong, loving, protecting, encouraging and caring... all without any thought of what was going on inside me....emotional plaque buildup!
So this week I am house sitting for this sweet family and now I have some down time. As I sit and work on this docket my mind swarms through conversations we had, jokes we told, laughter we cackled, questions he asked, spit balls we spit, hahaha! What a fun weekend... what a great kid... what a great family... that is now less one vital member.
It takes me a while to get here, but slowly the Lord brings things (abrasive things / frustrations) to start brushing the plaque off, breaking down the walls, getting to the heart of the matter. It goes something like this.... waking up late, being late to work, a frustrating day, a rude person on the phone, accusations fly, the stapler jams, I can't seem to catch up, I break a nail reloading the stapler... and then the tears start to fall. I wonder how many times would we have spent qt time if M-'s dad was still here? My heart aches as I try, with little success, to love through frustrations and attitudes. I hurt knowing the house is empty because the family is on a hard family vacation. The buildup has set in over four days... and today, now, is the first time I've had to process.
Emotional plaque buildup and the abrasiveness that ya have to have to get it off sucks! I hate heart hurt. I hate crying. I hate heartaches that are not fixable. I hate questions that are unanswerable. I hate that there is death. I hate that kids have to struggle through emotions of losing a father. I hate that I can't fix it. I hate that just being there never feels like it's enough and yet it's all I can do...
The plaque is brushed away as the tears fall. I am thankful that I know the LORD who is in control at all times. I'm thankful there is no plaque buildup with Him. I am thankful that He has each day in His hand and is here, loving amidst the heartache and pain. I am thankful the most I can do for them, is pray!
I'm thankful that even though I don't know the whys, I know Him, I AM.
Please LORD Jesus, as I live day to day in this difficult life, Please continue to remove the plaque build up, no matter the abrasiveness it may take... I would rather hurt under the pain of You, being here, brushing my heart, than to have emotions build up that cover and protect my heart from YOU.
I believe LORD Jesus, help my unbelief?!
Graced Again...
“It is rare that Christians earnestly seek the Lord’s face when things are going swimmingly, when material blessings abound and we seem to be protected from the vicissitudes faced by others. But in the blackness of discouragement, when we are harassed and downcast, we may indeed turn to the Lord and acknowledge our helplessness apart from his grace; we may do so knowing that God is a compassionate God and that Jesus’ compassion was particularly directed toward the harassed and the helpless.”
- D.A. Carson
- D.A. Carson
Thursday, March 24, 2011
All That Glitters = Fake Gold
I am a very visual person, maybe very concrete... I'm not sure what the exact word here is... There is something very tangible about the way I think and process, kind of take it as it comes, what ya see is what ya get kinda thing.... Not that I don't think deep, but I think practical and with common sense. In most instances I think this is a good thing, hahaha, of course others might not, but I do! ha!
Yet, when it comes to my faith in the Lord, my Savior, it makes things a lil more hairy and difficult. Not only do I struggle to believe, but I fall easily and hard for the more visible, tangible, easy to see, glittery things. So not only does my thinking go against me in this area; I also have a rebellious lil independent fighter in me; not to mention an enemy that knows exactly how to use my mind against me.
Lately the LORD has been opening my eyes, ears and mind to see Him in new ways, in ways that go against my norm of thinking. With that I have started to question more than just what I am now seeing, but a lot more of what is brought before me, and just what are natural givens in this world.
~My biggest is believing the LORD is here with me, when everything in this world screams that He is not. ~Most everyone lives as though they are their own god.
~Most think and live as if they have no need for a Savior.
~There seems to be just enough free will to be disastrous, because from where I stand, most days, it seems as though this world is running on it's own, or trying at least. It's only when the Lord opens my eyes and impresses the Truth in my heart that He is what is keeping us alive. He's the reason I can breathe. He's holding everything together, but not many acknowledge that and live that out, it's just the opposite. Most people live as though He doesn't even exist and He is not the one filling their lungs with air in each breath. UGH! So backwards!
~Everything about this world glitters in an eerie and distracting way, that grabs your attention and directs your mind, heart and affections away from Him who truly deserves it all. It seems as though we are all needy addicts, everyone just using a different drug to numb, escape and distract from the ache of wretched sinfulness in our souls and the desperate need of a Savior, an ache we can't remedy ourselves.
~I've seen this quote... "The only limitations you have are those you put on yourself." - What the hell?! Seriously?! This the BS that I fall for?! Ummmmm... born full of sin to the very core... that's a pretty big limitation there!
~Hollywood true love; don't even get me started on this!
~Giving and ministering to the needy, when the whole world pushes to get as much as you can as quick as you can.
~Shoot, realizing my own neediness in a world that is full of I'm fine; I'm good - hate to break it to ya, but we are not okay!
~Happiness being the ultimate goal in life and pursuing whatever it takes to be happy. I've done this for so long! And am now thinking, what a waste! What could possibly make me happy enough in this life to mask all my need and deep longings/needs for a Savior? And how long does that happiness last?!
~Having the biggest and best things will satisfy that ache in my heart. Negative! Hasn't worked as of yet.
~Friendships being easy, and if not, then just cross them off and say bu-bye... how can a friendship be easy when we are constantly called to spur one another on in Truth, which sometimes requires confronting in love?! Nothing easy about that, but everything fruitful, hard and satisfying when the Lord is in the middle.
~Evil, self-made men (humans) running rampant, committing sins, seemingly out of control... my own life and heart makes me question sometimes, Lord where are you in the midst of this craziness, I deem my life?
~Doctors and drugs and technology that prolongs life, making us feel as though we are in control of how long we live and the state of our well being during this life. Nuh uh, He is the only One who numbers our days, knows every hair on our head. Who do we think we are?!
~ The goodness of man... I'm hearing a lot lately how this person is a good person; they really are a good person; they might do some not good things, but deep down they are a good person... pure craziness! The only good people were Adam and Eve, and that was only before they ate that daggom fruit! Since then, regardless of who we are, or pretend to be, we are evil, full of sin, with hearts that are sick, deceitful and wicked and beyond cure. How is that good?
Okay, that's enough ranting and raving for now... ha! It's just that for the first time I am questioning normalcy in this world. The current of the world that is so sweeping and strong, the glitteriness of the lies that are spoon fed to us, the normalcy that is not normal at all, are seeming to lose their luster and the backwardness of everything seems to be smacking me upside the head!
I will have to say it's nothing that I have done. It's no revelation of goodness in me that is opening my eyes. It's not that I'm some amazing prophet of knowledge, hahaha! That's just funny!
It's simply my Jesus is opening my eyes to who I am, who He truly is, the hidden Truth of this world I live in. He's lifting the veil, He's sweeping away the glitter, He's unmasking my eyes, unstopping my ears. He's revealing who He is and how amazing His love is contrasted against the backdrop of this backwards, sinful world. It's nothing of me, but everything of Him that is showing me what, where and who the True Treasure is...
All I can say is thank you Jesus, for who you are, your love, your long-suffering, your severe mercy, your goodness. Thank you Jesus for calling my name, dying for me, saving me and loving me.
Lord keep me at the foot of your Cross, keep my eyes and ears open to you alone! Be here, visible, with me and keep me focused on your love alone.
I believe, help my unbelief!
Yet, when it comes to my faith in the Lord, my Savior, it makes things a lil more hairy and difficult. Not only do I struggle to believe, but I fall easily and hard for the more visible, tangible, easy to see, glittery things. So not only does my thinking go against me in this area; I also have a rebellious lil independent fighter in me; not to mention an enemy that knows exactly how to use my mind against me.
Lately the LORD has been opening my eyes, ears and mind to see Him in new ways, in ways that go against my norm of thinking. With that I have started to question more than just what I am now seeing, but a lot more of what is brought before me, and just what are natural givens in this world.
~My biggest is believing the LORD is here with me, when everything in this world screams that He is not. ~Most everyone lives as though they are their own god.
~Most think and live as if they have no need for a Savior.
~There seems to be just enough free will to be disastrous, because from where I stand, most days, it seems as though this world is running on it's own, or trying at least. It's only when the Lord opens my eyes and impresses the Truth in my heart that He is what is keeping us alive. He's the reason I can breathe. He's holding everything together, but not many acknowledge that and live that out, it's just the opposite. Most people live as though He doesn't even exist and He is not the one filling their lungs with air in each breath. UGH! So backwards!
~Everything about this world glitters in an eerie and distracting way, that grabs your attention and directs your mind, heart and affections away from Him who truly deserves it all. It seems as though we are all needy addicts, everyone just using a different drug to numb, escape and distract from the ache of wretched sinfulness in our souls and the desperate need of a Savior, an ache we can't remedy ourselves.
~I've seen this quote... "The only limitations you have are those you put on yourself." - What the hell?! Seriously?! This the BS that I fall for?! Ummmmm... born full of sin to the very core... that's a pretty big limitation there!
~Hollywood true love; don't even get me started on this!
~Giving and ministering to the needy, when the whole world pushes to get as much as you can as quick as you can.
~Shoot, realizing my own neediness in a world that is full of I'm fine; I'm good - hate to break it to ya, but we are not okay!
~Happiness being the ultimate goal in life and pursuing whatever it takes to be happy. I've done this for so long! And am now thinking, what a waste! What could possibly make me happy enough in this life to mask all my need and deep longings/needs for a Savior? And how long does that happiness last?!
~Having the biggest and best things will satisfy that ache in my heart. Negative! Hasn't worked as of yet.
~Friendships being easy, and if not, then just cross them off and say bu-bye... how can a friendship be easy when we are constantly called to spur one another on in Truth, which sometimes requires confronting in love?! Nothing easy about that, but everything fruitful, hard and satisfying when the Lord is in the middle.
~Evil, self-made men (humans) running rampant, committing sins, seemingly out of control... my own life and heart makes me question sometimes, Lord where are you in the midst of this craziness, I deem my life?
~Doctors and drugs and technology that prolongs life, making us feel as though we are in control of how long we live and the state of our well being during this life. Nuh uh, He is the only One who numbers our days, knows every hair on our head. Who do we think we are?!
~ The goodness of man... I'm hearing a lot lately how this person is a good person; they really are a good person; they might do some not good things, but deep down they are a good person... pure craziness! The only good people were Adam and Eve, and that was only before they ate that daggom fruit! Since then, regardless of who we are, or pretend to be, we are evil, full of sin, with hearts that are sick, deceitful and wicked and beyond cure. How is that good?
Okay, that's enough ranting and raving for now... ha! It's just that for the first time I am questioning normalcy in this world. The current of the world that is so sweeping and strong, the glitteriness of the lies that are spoon fed to us, the normalcy that is not normal at all, are seeming to lose their luster and the backwardness of everything seems to be smacking me upside the head!
I will have to say it's nothing that I have done. It's no revelation of goodness in me that is opening my eyes. It's not that I'm some amazing prophet of knowledge, hahaha! That's just funny!
It's simply my Jesus is opening my eyes to who I am, who He truly is, the hidden Truth of this world I live in. He's lifting the veil, He's sweeping away the glitter, He's unmasking my eyes, unstopping my ears. He's revealing who He is and how amazing His love is contrasted against the backdrop of this backwards, sinful world. It's nothing of me, but everything of Him that is showing me what, where and who the True Treasure is...
All I can say is thank you Jesus, for who you are, your love, your long-suffering, your severe mercy, your goodness. Thank you Jesus for calling my name, dying for me, saving me and loving me.
Lord keep me at the foot of your Cross, keep my eyes and ears open to you alone! Be here, visible, with me and keep me focused on your love alone.
I believe, help my unbelief!
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Verse of My Year - 2011
"Therefore the LORD wait to be gracious to you, and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you. For the LORD is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for him. For a people shall dwell in Zion, in Jerusalem; you shall weep no more. He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry. As soon as he hears it, he answers you. And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher. And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, "This is the way, walk in it," when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left. Then you will defile your carved idols overlaid with silver and your gold-plated metal images. You will scatter them as unclean things. You will say to them, "Be gone!" - Isaiah 30: 18-22
Not only is this my verse, but my prayer as well this year!
This theme has been popping up all over the place just this week. A song I heard this morning in the car. A movie we watched last night, which brought to mind a sermon. My pastor loves to use movies for application, which I love, because I love movies too!
As we watched the lastest Karate Kid, starring Jaden Smith, we got to the part of the movie where Jackie Chan is crying in his car, in the depths of despair and Jaden pulls him out with the bamboo poles and Chan teaches his student, Smith, the proper Kung Fu moves using the bamboo poles. You've got to really see it to get the imagery here...
But, it brought back to mind a sermon, (Linz paraphrase) wherein Jesus wants to take my life, in total surrender, as if connected to Him on the other end of the bamboo poles. He wants to guide, direct, move through me fluidly as if we are moving as one. This verse this morning ties all that together...
As I cry out to the LORD. As I struggle to believe that He hears me and that He will show up. As I seek to stay in the middle of His will... in all of this I am extremely tired. It's at this point that I normally turn and bolt in the opposite, easier, more care-free direction, but I can't... He's keeping me here PRAISE HIS NAME.
And in this, now, I so long to hear His voice behind me saying, "This is my way, walk in it Lindsey." To have that clear leading, direction, guiding, Him moving through me, Him here keeping me in the middle. That right there sounds like heaven to me! Peace! Rest! Relaxing! Safety!
As I close my eyes to 'dream' of how glorious it would be to be led, moved through, directed by Him; my eyes immediately pop back open in the reality of who I am and who it is I am fighting against!
There is an enemy in front of me at all times, enticing, enchanting, wooing, deceiving, lying, dazzling, tricking, distracting as I strain to hear His Voice behind me, in me. There is also a rebel within me that instinctively wants to run ahead, leave, bolt, break free, independently go my own way. UGH!!! I honestly don't need the enemy's help at all! I can do pretty awful on my own!
Thank God that He is holding me by His holy righteous right hand...sometimes it feels as if He's got me while I'm kicking and screaming and beating against His chest to get away. But even in all this, I think the most promising thing in my verse of the year is.... "yet your Teacher will not hide himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher. And your ears shall hear..."
As much as I rebel from the inside out...
As much as I am bedazzled by the glitter of the enemy...
As much as I am impatient in waiting for Him...
I long deeply to see my Teacher!
I long for Him to show up on my behalf!
I long for my ears to hear Him above all the noise!
For the first time in my life, in all my twenty-nine, almost thirty years... I guess the valley of the shadow is deep enough that I can see the brilliance and splendor of the Son that breaks through in glorious rays! "...though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide himself anymore..."
Satisfy me LORD?!
Satisfy me LORD?!
I'm begging you to help me see, You're all I want, You're all I need...
Oh, Satisfy me LORD?!!
I believe, help my overwhelming unbelief!
Not only is this my verse, but my prayer as well this year!
This theme has been popping up all over the place just this week. A song I heard this morning in the car. A movie we watched last night, which brought to mind a sermon. My pastor loves to use movies for application, which I love, because I love movies too!
As we watched the lastest Karate Kid, starring Jaden Smith, we got to the part of the movie where Jackie Chan is crying in his car, in the depths of despair and Jaden pulls him out with the bamboo poles and Chan teaches his student, Smith, the proper Kung Fu moves using the bamboo poles. You've got to really see it to get the imagery here...
But, it brought back to mind a sermon, (Linz paraphrase) wherein Jesus wants to take my life, in total surrender, as if connected to Him on the other end of the bamboo poles. He wants to guide, direct, move through me fluidly as if we are moving as one. This verse this morning ties all that together...
As I cry out to the LORD. As I struggle to believe that He hears me and that He will show up. As I seek to stay in the middle of His will... in all of this I am extremely tired. It's at this point that I normally turn and bolt in the opposite, easier, more care-free direction, but I can't... He's keeping me here PRAISE HIS NAME.
And in this, now, I so long to hear His voice behind me saying, "This is my way, walk in it Lindsey." To have that clear leading, direction, guiding, Him moving through me, Him here keeping me in the middle. That right there sounds like heaven to me! Peace! Rest! Relaxing! Safety!
As I close my eyes to 'dream' of how glorious it would be to be led, moved through, directed by Him; my eyes immediately pop back open in the reality of who I am and who it is I am fighting against!
There is an enemy in front of me at all times, enticing, enchanting, wooing, deceiving, lying, dazzling, tricking, distracting as I strain to hear His Voice behind me, in me. There is also a rebel within me that instinctively wants to run ahead, leave, bolt, break free, independently go my own way. UGH!!! I honestly don't need the enemy's help at all! I can do pretty awful on my own!
Thank God that He is holding me by His holy righteous right hand...sometimes it feels as if He's got me while I'm kicking and screaming and beating against His chest to get away. But even in all this, I think the most promising thing in my verse of the year is.... "yet your Teacher will not hide himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher. And your ears shall hear..."
As much as I rebel from the inside out...
As much as I am bedazzled by the glitter of the enemy...
As much as I am impatient in waiting for Him...
I long deeply to see my Teacher!
I long for Him to show up on my behalf!
I long for my ears to hear Him above all the noise!
For the first time in my life, in all my twenty-nine, almost thirty years... I guess the valley of the shadow is deep enough that I can see the brilliance and splendor of the Son that breaks through in glorious rays! "...though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide himself anymore..."
Satisfy me LORD?!
Satisfy me LORD?!
I'm begging you to help me see, You're all I want, You're all I need...
Oh, Satisfy me LORD?!!
I believe, help my overwhelming unbelief!
Monday, March 21, 2011
Graced Again...
“I keep trying to find a life, on my own apart from You. I am the king of excuses, I’ve got one for every selfish thing I do. What’s going on inside of me? I despise my own behavior. This only serves to confirm my suspicions that I’m still a man in need of a savior.…..O Lord be my Light and my Salvation. The disease of the self runs through my blood, like cancer fatal to the soul. Every attempt on my behalf has failed, to keep the sickness under control…Lord be my Light and be my salvation.”
- Charlie Peacock, “In the Light”
- Charlie Peacock, “In the Light”
Exhausting Need
Exhausted after two weeks of full out intense spiritual warfare...
Exhausted after heartache deeper than what I can express with words...
Exhausted after fighting an invisible war which can't be won in and of myself...
Exhausted after crying tears I never knew I was full of...
Exhausted after putting on a smile to make it through the day...
Exhausted after giving of my heart to those whom I love deeply...
Exhausted after being stabbed in the back and reaching out to love in return...
Exhausted after hearing of more and more and more heartache...
Exhausted after celebrating a wedding of a dear sweet friend, a match made in heaven...
Exhausted after photographing that wedding and being creative when already on E...
Exhausted after making coffee and tending to kitchen needs...
Exhausted after teaching a dear brother how to use his digital camera...
Exhausted in every sense of the word, I forced myself to sit on the front pew in church, not even able to hold my shoulders up. Exhausted with no energy to sing, much less hold the bulletin to read the words. Exhausted I sat, soaked in and realized my need, even more than I knew, which exhausted me even more! ha!
Exhausted I barely sang, through tears streaming...
"When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you.
And the waves will not overcome you.
Do not fear, for I have redeemed you.
I have called you by name, you are Mine.
For I am the Lord your God.
I am the Holy One of Israel,
You Savior.
I am the Lord, do not fear.
I am the Lord, do not fear.
I am the Lord.
When you pass through the fire,
You'll not be burned.
The flames will not consume you,
do not fear, for I have redeemed you.
I have called you by name,
you are Mine."
Exhausted I cried even more to hear comforting Truth that I needed.
Exhausted I listened, sitting with my shoulders slumped, not able to hold them up.
Exhausted I learned more of my need. Need that is deeper than I even realize.
Exhausted I was reminded that the Lord's love for me in no way depends on my performance.
Exhausted I was told His love is outside of what I do, His love depends on Him and His character alone.
Exhausted I don't have anymore energy to fight.
Exhausted I am overwhelmed at the never ending battle and possible opposition.
Exhausted I am helpless.
Exhausted I realize my inability to stay, my desire to run away to numb, ease and quick fixes.
Thank You Jesus for my exhaustion... I don't have the energy to run... numbing doesn't sound fun. It sounds even more exhausting. Thank You for exhausting all of my own energy, in order to open my eyes to see that it's You that is keeping me, holding me up and holding me together. It was never me to begin with!
Exhaustion in me.....resting in Him.
It's all that's left; all I can do.
He is my only Hope; my only Truth!
Thank you Jesus.
I praise Your Name for my exhaustion!
Hold me Jesus, in my exhaustion... I believe, help my unbelief!?!
Exhausted after heartache deeper than what I can express with words...
Exhausted after fighting an invisible war which can't be won in and of myself...
Exhausted after crying tears I never knew I was full of...
Exhausted after putting on a smile to make it through the day...
Exhausted after giving of my heart to those whom I love deeply...
Exhausted after being stabbed in the back and reaching out to love in return...
Exhausted after hearing of more and more and more heartache...
Exhausted after celebrating a wedding of a dear sweet friend, a match made in heaven...
Exhausted after photographing that wedding and being creative when already on E...
Exhausted after making coffee and tending to kitchen needs...
Exhausted after teaching a dear brother how to use his digital camera...
Exhausted in every sense of the word, I forced myself to sit on the front pew in church, not even able to hold my shoulders up. Exhausted with no energy to sing, much less hold the bulletin to read the words. Exhausted I sat, soaked in and realized my need, even more than I knew, which exhausted me even more! ha!
Exhausted I barely sang, through tears streaming...
"When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you.
And the waves will not overcome you.
Do not fear, for I have redeemed you.
I have called you by name, you are Mine.
For I am the Lord your God.
I am the Holy One of Israel,
You Savior.
I am the Lord, do not fear.
I am the Lord, do not fear.
I am the Lord.
When you pass through the fire,
You'll not be burned.
The flames will not consume you,
do not fear, for I have redeemed you.
I have called you by name,
you are Mine."
Exhausted I cried even more to hear comforting Truth that I needed.
Exhausted I listened, sitting with my shoulders slumped, not able to hold them up.
Exhausted I learned more of my need. Need that is deeper than I even realize.
Exhausted I was reminded that the Lord's love for me in no way depends on my performance.
Exhausted I was told His love is outside of what I do, His love depends on Him and His character alone.
Exhausted I don't have anymore energy to fight.
Exhausted I am overwhelmed at the never ending battle and possible opposition.
Exhausted I am helpless.
Exhausted I realize my inability to stay, my desire to run away to numb, ease and quick fixes.
Thank You Jesus for my exhaustion... I don't have the energy to run... numbing doesn't sound fun. It sounds even more exhausting. Thank You for exhausting all of my own energy, in order to open my eyes to see that it's You that is keeping me, holding me up and holding me together. It was never me to begin with!
Exhaustion in me.....resting in Him.
It's all that's left; all I can do.
He is my only Hope; my only Truth!
Thank you Jesus.
I praise Your Name for my exhaustion!
Hold me Jesus, in my exhaustion... I believe, help my unbelief!?!
Saturday, March 19, 2011
He is...
I have a faith weaker than pond water. ha! If you've never heard that expression before, then trust me, it's the weakest, weak you can get!
I struggle daily, especially right now, in the face of spiritual warfare, exhaustion, struggles and heartache, to trust in my Savior, to believe that He is going to be there for me. I struggle to believe He is going to show up in my time of need.
My past, my childhood, my fears, disappointments in this life, the world and everything around me points to, and lies to me, telling me that He won't come, He won't show up, He won't rescue, He won't save... He won't, He won't, He won't....
So, in the face of my doubts, fears and questions... I look to what He has been for His people.
He is the same yesterday, today and forever.
"I make a decree,
that in all my royal dominion
people are to tremble and fear
before the God of Daniel,
for he is the living God,
enduring forever;
his kingdom shall never be destroyed,
and his dominion shall be to the end.
He delivers and rescues;
he works signs and wonders
in heaven and on earth,
he who has saved Daniel
from the power of the lions."
- Daniel 6:26-27
If this was true of Him then, it's gotta be true of Him now!
I believe...
in the face of heartache,
in the midst of intense opposition,
in the face of an enemy that hates me,
in a world of lies that glitter and sparkle,
in my sinful self,
I believe...
please Jesus help my unbelief?!
I love you in spite of my own doubt and fears!
I struggle daily, especially right now, in the face of spiritual warfare, exhaustion, struggles and heartache, to trust in my Savior, to believe that He is going to be there for me. I struggle to believe He is going to show up in my time of need.
My past, my childhood, my fears, disappointments in this life, the world and everything around me points to, and lies to me, telling me that He won't come, He won't show up, He won't rescue, He won't save... He won't, He won't, He won't....
So, in the face of my doubts, fears and questions... I look to what He has been for His people.
He is the same yesterday, today and forever.
"I make a decree,
that in all my royal dominion
people are to tremble and fear
before the God of Daniel,
for he is the living God,
enduring forever;
his kingdom shall never be destroyed,
and his dominion shall be to the end.
He delivers and rescues;
he works signs and wonders
in heaven and on earth,
he who has saved Daniel
from the power of the lions."
- Daniel 6:26-27
If this was true of Him then, it's gotta be true of Him now!
I believe...
in the face of heartache,
in the midst of intense opposition,
in the face of an enemy that hates me,
in a world of lies that glitter and sparkle,
in my sinful self,
I believe...
please Jesus help my unbelief?!
I love you in spite of my own doubt and fears!
Refuge + Fortress
"God is our refuge and strength,
a very present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear
though the earth gives way,
though the mountains be moved
into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam,
though the mountains tremble at its swelling.
There is a river whose streams
make glad the city of God,
the holy habitation of the Most High.
God is in the midst of her,
she shall not be moved;
God will help her when morning dawns.
The nations rage, the kingdoms totter;
he utters his voice, the earth melts.
The LORD of hosts is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Come, behold the works of the LORD,
how he has brought desolations on the earth.
He makes wars cease to the end of the earth;
he breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
he burns the chariots with fire.
"Be still, and know that I am God.
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted among the earth!"
The LORD of hosts is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
- Psalm 46
Jesus, please be my refuge and fortress in these times of trouble, wars and oppositions. LORD be my refuge, my fortress that I run to. Transform my heart and mind to see you as a safe haven, a shelter from the storm. Make clear to me who you are, so that I turn to You first in times of trials and oppositions.
Strengthen the love You have placed in my heart for Yourself.
Exalt Yourself in me! Exalt Your Name in my life! Exalt Your glory through me...
Not my glory, not my glory, but Yours be seen in my life and heart, no matter what may come!
Jesus please help me be still and know you as God. I believe, help my unbelief!
a very present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear
though the earth gives way,
though the mountains be moved
into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam,
though the mountains tremble at its swelling.
There is a river whose streams
make glad the city of God,
the holy habitation of the Most High.
God is in the midst of her,
she shall not be moved;
God will help her when morning dawns.
The nations rage, the kingdoms totter;
he utters his voice, the earth melts.
The LORD of hosts is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Come, behold the works of the LORD,
how he has brought desolations on the earth.
He makes wars cease to the end of the earth;
he breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
he burns the chariots with fire.
"Be still, and know that I am God.
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted among the earth!"
The LORD of hosts is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
- Psalm 46
Jesus, please be my refuge and fortress in these times of trouble, wars and oppositions. LORD be my refuge, my fortress that I run to. Transform my heart and mind to see you as a safe haven, a shelter from the storm. Make clear to me who you are, so that I turn to You first in times of trials and oppositions.
Strengthen the love You have placed in my heart for Yourself.
Exalt Yourself in me! Exalt Your Name in my life! Exalt Your glory through me...
Not my glory, not my glory, but Yours be seen in my life and heart, no matter what may come!
Jesus please help me be still and know you as God. I believe, help my unbelief!
Opposition
It shouldn't, but it does... it never ceases to amaze me when I encounter tremendous, intense, really almost crazy opposition as I begin to struggle with the LORD. It happens every time, therefore, you would think I would be use to it by now. That would be a negative!
I never expect it, although I should. So easily I quietly and unwittingly fall for the prosperity gospel (lil g, because it's no true Gospel at all) even in the simplest forms. Unconsciously thinking, if I even just make one good decision for the Lord, He will pour out blessings and affirm me and make me rich in the Kingdom. The problem is...my prosperity, blessings and good rewards look absolutely nothing like His prosperity, blessings and good rewards.
As I sit on my couch and look back over the past two weeks I am in awe, amazement and unbelief at the opposition that I have stood against. If you've followed my blog for any amount of time over the years, you know I hate dealing with heartache, which in turn usually keeps me from dealing face to face with my Redeemer.
The normal pathway and routine looks a lil something like this... I experience hurt, heartache or trials. I begin to question, deal, struggle with my LORD and instantly I am surround by extreme opposition, therefore I run... from heartache, from opposition, from hardship, from persecution, and turn a cold shoulder to my Savior. Once I continue on in my course of life, it's pretty much guaranteed the opposition will lessen, even disappear!
Recently, I have been struggling with intense heartache of a dear family that I love. Death, loss, grief, sorrow, sadness, mourning... yep! all the things that make me cringe! But because of the love the Lord has bound us with, I willing walk along side them, which in turn has forced me to turn my face to my Savior with all the emotions that entails: anger, doubt, questions, hesitations, fears, disappointment, grief, rebellion...did I mention anger and questions?!
Sooooo... you guessed it, let the opposition begin. I'm going on week two of intense, extreme, exhausting opposition. The opposition began not even an hour after I had realized I had been enjoying a break from opposition. Thank You Lord for the break! Even though I didn't realize I was enjoying a break until it was gone... haha!
Without going into great detail, let's just say, as a single woman, my greatest struggle is with the opposite gender. Go figure! The love of man has always been my numbing drug of choice. Numbs the pain, gives temporary pleasure and relief, distracts, excites, gives a natural high for a while. Never lasts though. The high and numbing effect always wears off and leaves a wake of guilt, shame, regrets, condemnation, etc., etc., etc.
Every single flippin time I begin to struggle and truly seek the LORD's face this opposition hits me from every angle. This time has been the worst... I have encountered at least ten opposition/opportunities within the past two weeks. The last being the heaviest blow of all, which came yesterday with news that I was having an affair with a close friend that I didn't even know about! haha, out of left field? yes! Crazy? yep! Extreme? yes! Was I shocked? not after dealing with two weeks of this bullshit. It fit right in with the sequence of events of the past two weeks.
Everything in me wants to bolt, turn and haul ass the other way, away from the LORD... this is the first time in my 29 years that the LORD has kept me struggling before His face. I can see Him at work. I can see Him using things in my life to draw me back before His face when I turn to haul ass the other way. He's holding me. He working, He's giving me strength and the grace to fight back. He's giving me the eyes of Heaven to see where this opposition is coming from. He's giving me energy, because I am literally exhausted in every way possible. He's giving me encouragement through precious friends that are there exactly when I need support, propping up.
This is the first time in my whole life, in the midst of heavy, intense and extreme opposition that I can see the hand of the LORD, actively at work in my life, heart and soul.
All I can say is praise His Name for that.
Lord please continue to show up. Please Jesus give me strength and clarity of thought. Please Jesus hold me before your face, no matter how difficult the opposition may be. Please LORD clearly show me that You are here in the midst of it, holding me up, holding me together... keeping me in Your hand.
I love You, even though everything in me wants to run!
I never expect it, although I should. So easily I quietly and unwittingly fall for the prosperity gospel (lil g, because it's no true Gospel at all) even in the simplest forms. Unconsciously thinking, if I even just make one good decision for the Lord, He will pour out blessings and affirm me and make me rich in the Kingdom. The problem is...my prosperity, blessings and good rewards look absolutely nothing like His prosperity, blessings and good rewards.
As I sit on my couch and look back over the past two weeks I am in awe, amazement and unbelief at the opposition that I have stood against. If you've followed my blog for any amount of time over the years, you know I hate dealing with heartache, which in turn usually keeps me from dealing face to face with my Redeemer.
The normal pathway and routine looks a lil something like this... I experience hurt, heartache or trials. I begin to question, deal, struggle with my LORD and instantly I am surround by extreme opposition, therefore I run... from heartache, from opposition, from hardship, from persecution, and turn a cold shoulder to my Savior. Once I continue on in my course of life, it's pretty much guaranteed the opposition will lessen, even disappear!
Recently, I have been struggling with intense heartache of a dear family that I love. Death, loss, grief, sorrow, sadness, mourning... yep! all the things that make me cringe! But because of the love the Lord has bound us with, I willing walk along side them, which in turn has forced me to turn my face to my Savior with all the emotions that entails: anger, doubt, questions, hesitations, fears, disappointment, grief, rebellion...did I mention anger and questions?!
Sooooo... you guessed it, let the opposition begin. I'm going on week two of intense, extreme, exhausting opposition. The opposition began not even an hour after I had realized I had been enjoying a break from opposition. Thank You Lord for the break! Even though I didn't realize I was enjoying a break until it was gone... haha!
Without going into great detail, let's just say, as a single woman, my greatest struggle is with the opposite gender. Go figure! The love of man has always been my numbing drug of choice. Numbs the pain, gives temporary pleasure and relief, distracts, excites, gives a natural high for a while. Never lasts though. The high and numbing effect always wears off and leaves a wake of guilt, shame, regrets, condemnation, etc., etc., etc.
Every single flippin time I begin to struggle and truly seek the LORD's face this opposition hits me from every angle. This time has been the worst... I have encountered at least ten opposition/opportunities within the past two weeks. The last being the heaviest blow of all, which came yesterday with news that I was having an affair with a close friend that I didn't even know about! haha, out of left field? yes! Crazy? yep! Extreme? yes! Was I shocked? not after dealing with two weeks of this bullshit. It fit right in with the sequence of events of the past two weeks.
Everything in me wants to bolt, turn and haul ass the other way, away from the LORD... this is the first time in my 29 years that the LORD has kept me struggling before His face. I can see Him at work. I can see Him using things in my life to draw me back before His face when I turn to haul ass the other way. He's holding me. He working, He's giving me strength and the grace to fight back. He's giving me the eyes of Heaven to see where this opposition is coming from. He's giving me energy, because I am literally exhausted in every way possible. He's giving me encouragement through precious friends that are there exactly when I need support, propping up.
This is the first time in my whole life, in the midst of heavy, intense and extreme opposition that I can see the hand of the LORD, actively at work in my life, heart and soul.
All I can say is praise His Name for that.
Lord please continue to show up. Please Jesus give me strength and clarity of thought. Please Jesus hold me before your face, no matter how difficult the opposition may be. Please LORD clearly show me that You are here in the midst of it, holding me up, holding me together... keeping me in Your hand.
I love You, even though everything in me wants to run!
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Talking To or About Him
A light bulb went off last night in my head... I literally heard a DING! on something I've never been any good at. The ding is...there is a huge difference between talking about God and actually talking to Him! May seem trivial to those of you who've mastered this over the years, yeah right! Check again! But it's difficult for me. It's much much easier to talk about God than to actually direct my face toward Him and interact with Him personally. It's easier for me to vent my frustrations, questions, disappointments, hurts to others about God instead of directly engaging my Savior with the same.
There are also different results too. I know this sounds so simple, but it just seemed to ding last night. Hope I stay dinged and don't lost it in the jumble of everyday. If I simply vent my questions, frustrations, anger, etc., etc., etc., to someone else about God, the heaviness doesn't dissolve. My frustrations and anger are only kindled, nothing is solved and the anxiety (we'll call it) remains. The heartache is still there. But, if I turn my face toward God and I vent, question, express my hurt, disappointments, heartache... I still might not get answers, and the heaviness might remain, but I've taken it to the Father. He hasn't til yet answered all my why questions, and I don't know that He ever will. I don't know, it just seems to feel better when I actually take my heart issues to the Creator of my heart. It does help to speak them sometimes out loud to others, but at the same time those people can't reach down into those untouchable crevices of the heart and heal wounds like the Lord can.
But in this, of course, there is always an issue that keeps me from turning my heart Godward....ME! I am the worst at going to the Lord with my heart. I get in my own way of taking my heart issues before my Redeemer. One simple reason is because, when I turn to face Him, and come with my complaints (which is really what they are) He gently opens my eyes to Who it is exactly I am speaking to and who I really am as I come into His presence. When He gives me that clear picture of how holy and righteous He is and how I am not... my complaints don't seem as weighty. My sinful, prideful, rebellious, idol self-loving, assertive heart is shown for what it truly is... and that isn't the best feeling in the world. So instead I turn to others to talk about Him instead of to Him.
Another issue of mine is that I simply don't know Him well enough to feel safe taking my heart issues to Him. I have pretty much grown up with wrong ideas of who God really is. Over the years I've put Him in several different boxes, none of which were accurate. I've seen Him in many different lights, none of which were wholly true. I've cast molds and images on Him that don't fit nor belong in His character. I've seen Him through a grid of my own life, that has distorted my ability to know Him for who He truly is. Therefore, why would I be all excited about bringing my aching heart before Him?! With all of those falsities and distortions that I struggle with; it's no wonder He doesn't seem safe to me.
I constantly remember the quote from The Chronicles of Narnia wherein Mr. Beaver says 'of course He's not safe, but He's good!' That just throws me for a loop. Maybe it's because of all the heartache that is around and in me. Maybe it's because of my childhood and past heart hurts. Maybe it's because of all the pain that seems to be unending in this sinful fallen world. Maybe there is a lot more than I realize that stores up in my heart and as a result poisons me with doubt, distrust, insecurity, questions, fear and hesitations.
As a result, I am overwhelmed with thanksgiving for my Pastor, Mike Campbell, who is currently teaching through the attributes of God! YEHESSSSSS! So yesterday, the Lord gave me the idea to get Cd's of those sermons. So I'm gonna try and push the Truth in through the thick walls of this protected, scared heart. Then maybe my heart will turn Godward a lil quicker and easier and will talk to Him and really deal before His face. Thank the Lord He's at work in this poisonous heart!
Lord I believe, help my unbelief.......please Jesus teach me the Truth of who You truly are, so that I can easily run to You in times of trouble.
I love you, because You first loved me!
There are also different results too. I know this sounds so simple, but it just seemed to ding last night. Hope I stay dinged and don't lost it in the jumble of everyday. If I simply vent my questions, frustrations, anger, etc., etc., etc., to someone else about God, the heaviness doesn't dissolve. My frustrations and anger are only kindled, nothing is solved and the anxiety (we'll call it) remains. The heartache is still there. But, if I turn my face toward God and I vent, question, express my hurt, disappointments, heartache... I still might not get answers, and the heaviness might remain, but I've taken it to the Father. He hasn't til yet answered all my why questions, and I don't know that He ever will. I don't know, it just seems to feel better when I actually take my heart issues to the Creator of my heart. It does help to speak them sometimes out loud to others, but at the same time those people can't reach down into those untouchable crevices of the heart and heal wounds like the Lord can.
But in this, of course, there is always an issue that keeps me from turning my heart Godward....ME! I am the worst at going to the Lord with my heart. I get in my own way of taking my heart issues before my Redeemer. One simple reason is because, when I turn to face Him, and come with my complaints (which is really what they are) He gently opens my eyes to Who it is exactly I am speaking to and who I really am as I come into His presence. When He gives me that clear picture of how holy and righteous He is and how I am not... my complaints don't seem as weighty. My sinful, prideful, rebellious, idol self-loving, assertive heart is shown for what it truly is... and that isn't the best feeling in the world. So instead I turn to others to talk about Him instead of to Him.
Another issue of mine is that I simply don't know Him well enough to feel safe taking my heart issues to Him. I have pretty much grown up with wrong ideas of who God really is. Over the years I've put Him in several different boxes, none of which were accurate. I've seen Him in many different lights, none of which were wholly true. I've cast molds and images on Him that don't fit nor belong in His character. I've seen Him through a grid of my own life, that has distorted my ability to know Him for who He truly is. Therefore, why would I be all excited about bringing my aching heart before Him?! With all of those falsities and distortions that I struggle with; it's no wonder He doesn't seem safe to me.
I constantly remember the quote from The Chronicles of Narnia wherein Mr. Beaver says 'of course He's not safe, but He's good!' That just throws me for a loop. Maybe it's because of all the heartache that is around and in me. Maybe it's because of my childhood and past heart hurts. Maybe it's because of all the pain that seems to be unending in this sinful fallen world. Maybe there is a lot more than I realize that stores up in my heart and as a result poisons me with doubt, distrust, insecurity, questions, fear and hesitations.
As a result, I am overwhelmed with thanksgiving for my Pastor, Mike Campbell, who is currently teaching through the attributes of God! YEHESSSSSS! So yesterday, the Lord gave me the idea to get Cd's of those sermons. So I'm gonna try and push the Truth in through the thick walls of this protected, scared heart. Then maybe my heart will turn Godward a lil quicker and easier and will talk to Him and really deal before His face. Thank the Lord He's at work in this poisonous heart!
Lord I believe, help my unbelief.......please Jesus teach me the Truth of who You truly are, so that I can easily run to You in times of trouble.
I love you, because You first loved me!
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Great Song
Numbing Escapage Failure
I have a feeling I am going to be learning from this pattern for a while... definitely not a quick fix. As I sit here and stare at a blank page; it's not for lack of thought. My mind is racing, emotions are on the roller coaster ride, there's too much to say, think, feel, learn, repent of... and I just want to escape, numb the pain, deny what I'm feeling and struggling with and pretend as if nothing is wrong. Actually, I would love to go back, undo, erase, redo and fix everything really! ha! This is my normal, default mode of dealing with hard things... I come by it naturally, I think starting from a very young age.
My problem is I am now aware of my numbing escapage (Yes, I make up words frequently) tendencies, therefore I know what I'm doing and what is going on inside and out when I attempt to escape through numbing. Also, another snafu is my Redeeming Savior who loves to love me through these things, wanting me to walk through them with Him, instead of turning, running, covering my eyes and with all my self saying, No! I don't want to go down this road, I don't want to deal today, please can we take a break, have it easy for a while, rest, go back to 'normal'?!
Normal? What the hell is normal?! It's a setting on my washing machine, that's all it is! There is nothing normal about this life, which brings me right back to my numbing, escapage systems failure recently.
I have said in recent posts that my ability to numb and escape this heartache is impossible because of the love and heart bond the Lord has given me with this sweet family and their tragic loss! I have lighter days... days that aren't filled with tears and hold more laughter and fun. Everything is not gray and dismal all the time, it comes and goes as grief and heartache usually do.
I enjoy those lighter fun days. As I seek to struggle through this heartache and pain before the face of God; I know a certain someone that is not happy about it. I know a certain someone that will do whatever it takes to keep me from engaging the living true Savior. I know an enemy that wants to keep me in high fun lighter days, whether they are true or self-induced!
It's been amazing to me in the past two weeks how 'high/numbing opportunities' have been rolling in like the ocean waves! I can count actually five to be exact within a weeks time. Is this normal? NO!
I hate heartache and pain! I'll take physical pain any day of the week over deep heart wounds. As I walk this road, it's clear to me I have an enemy that knows my disgust of heart pain and yet knows that in the middle of that heart pain is where I deal with the Lord face to face.
So of course! The obvious answer is to distract Lindsey with escapages and great numbing possibilities that will take her mind off of dealing with her Savior, and keep her mind and heart numb, pain free, temporarily relieved, high, floating along with the current of the world, happy, light, distracted, disengaged, dead. Soooooooooooo frustrating!
I fell for it the first two days, and then the Lord opened my eyes to what I was doing in my heart. He snapped me back to reality and again I begin to fight to be and deal before His face. It's hard, somedays I want to give up. Somedays it would be easier to throw the towel in and say, I give, I give!
The amazing thing is... He holds me by my right and and will lead me into glory. He won't give up on me, no matter how tired I am of fighting and feeling and dealing. No matter how much I rebel and fight against the hurt and pain, He stays, He holds me, He keeps me and He won't ever let me go!
The timing of this all is truly amazing. I can't give you the full picture, because I'm just not sure it would make sense to you, but it makes perfect sense to me, and is nothing but the sovereign hand of the Lord, walking with me. Is it fun? ummmmmmmmm......NO!
Example... yesterday I was presented yet another opportunity to numb and escape... I was headed down that road when the Lord brought me to my senses and snatched me back. Not only did He open my eyes to the tendencies toward which I was leaning. He provided an alternate route, He gave me a way out from under the temptation I couldn't bear at the time. He gave me a text saying, can you come spend the night tonight? A text that drew my heart right back into the middle of the heartache and pain. Was it easy? No! Did I want to run? Yes! Do I feel helpless? Absolutely! Can I escape and deny those that I love dearly? No! I can't... therefore, today my heart is heavy again. I am full of questions, aching pain, tears, doubts and heaviness... but I am thankful, for the first time I am thankful, that I am in the middle of heartache! Because in the midst of it, He's here. He's got me. He's leading me. He's holding me. He's healing me. He's patiently listening to all my questions. He's reminding me of His Truths. He's bringing me back over and over and over again to Him.
He's loving me... does it look like the 'normal Hollywood love of this world'... not at all! But it's the truest, most real love that is possible in this world! I have, for my whole life, wanted a love that looks totally and completely different, even opposite of the Lord's love. But He is teaching me the greatest love...but God demonstrates His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. - Romans 5:8
And even though I hesitate to say this, with tears running down my face... I am thankful, in Jesus Name, that my numbing escapaging failed... Lord, do whatever it takes! Please take my heart wherever necessary to keep me before Your face, in the middle of your severe, loving mercy! Whether it's pain, hurt, heartache, loss, fun, laughter, joy, smiles, dancing, crying, struggling, questioning, repenting... Lord keep me where You are!
I believe... please Jesus help my unbelief?!
My problem is I am now aware of my numbing escapage (Yes, I make up words frequently) tendencies, therefore I know what I'm doing and what is going on inside and out when I attempt to escape through numbing. Also, another snafu is my Redeeming Savior who loves to love me through these things, wanting me to walk through them with Him, instead of turning, running, covering my eyes and with all my self saying, No! I don't want to go down this road, I don't want to deal today, please can we take a break, have it easy for a while, rest, go back to 'normal'?!
Normal? What the hell is normal?! It's a setting on my washing machine, that's all it is! There is nothing normal about this life, which brings me right back to my numbing, escapage systems failure recently.
I have said in recent posts that my ability to numb and escape this heartache is impossible because of the love and heart bond the Lord has given me with this sweet family and their tragic loss! I have lighter days... days that aren't filled with tears and hold more laughter and fun. Everything is not gray and dismal all the time, it comes and goes as grief and heartache usually do.
I enjoy those lighter fun days. As I seek to struggle through this heartache and pain before the face of God; I know a certain someone that is not happy about it. I know a certain someone that will do whatever it takes to keep me from engaging the living true Savior. I know an enemy that wants to keep me in high fun lighter days, whether they are true or self-induced!
It's been amazing to me in the past two weeks how 'high/numbing opportunities' have been rolling in like the ocean waves! I can count actually five to be exact within a weeks time. Is this normal? NO!
I hate heartache and pain! I'll take physical pain any day of the week over deep heart wounds. As I walk this road, it's clear to me I have an enemy that knows my disgust of heart pain and yet knows that in the middle of that heart pain is where I deal with the Lord face to face.
So of course! The obvious answer is to distract Lindsey with escapages and great numbing possibilities that will take her mind off of dealing with her Savior, and keep her mind and heart numb, pain free, temporarily relieved, high, floating along with the current of the world, happy, light, distracted, disengaged, dead. Soooooooooooo frustrating!
I fell for it the first two days, and then the Lord opened my eyes to what I was doing in my heart. He snapped me back to reality and again I begin to fight to be and deal before His face. It's hard, somedays I want to give up. Somedays it would be easier to throw the towel in and say, I give, I give!
The amazing thing is... He holds me by my right and and will lead me into glory. He won't give up on me, no matter how tired I am of fighting and feeling and dealing. No matter how much I rebel and fight against the hurt and pain, He stays, He holds me, He keeps me and He won't ever let me go!
The timing of this all is truly amazing. I can't give you the full picture, because I'm just not sure it would make sense to you, but it makes perfect sense to me, and is nothing but the sovereign hand of the Lord, walking with me. Is it fun? ummmmmmmmm......NO!
Example... yesterday I was presented yet another opportunity to numb and escape... I was headed down that road when the Lord brought me to my senses and snatched me back. Not only did He open my eyes to the tendencies toward which I was leaning. He provided an alternate route, He gave me a way out from under the temptation I couldn't bear at the time. He gave me a text saying, can you come spend the night tonight? A text that drew my heart right back into the middle of the heartache and pain. Was it easy? No! Did I want to run? Yes! Do I feel helpless? Absolutely! Can I escape and deny those that I love dearly? No! I can't... therefore, today my heart is heavy again. I am full of questions, aching pain, tears, doubts and heaviness... but I am thankful, for the first time I am thankful, that I am in the middle of heartache! Because in the midst of it, He's here. He's got me. He's leading me. He's holding me. He's healing me. He's patiently listening to all my questions. He's reminding me of His Truths. He's bringing me back over and over and over again to Him.
He's loving me... does it look like the 'normal Hollywood love of this world'... not at all! But it's the truest, most real love that is possible in this world! I have, for my whole life, wanted a love that looks totally and completely different, even opposite of the Lord's love. But He is teaching me the greatest love...but God demonstrates His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. - Romans 5:8
And even though I hesitate to say this, with tears running down my face... I am thankful, in Jesus Name, that my numbing escapaging failed... Lord, do whatever it takes! Please take my heart wherever necessary to keep me before Your face, in the middle of your severe, loving mercy! Whether it's pain, hurt, heartache, loss, fun, laughter, joy, smiles, dancing, crying, struggling, questioning, repenting... Lord keep me where You are!
I believe... please Jesus help my unbelief?!
Monday, March 14, 2011
Graced Again
I get these Graced Again snippets every now and then, and this one fits perfectly as a follow up to the sermon I took in yesterday! Because the Truth is... I am not a good person that just does bad things. My heart is deeply, deceitful, wickedly sick and overwhelmingly evil...
Praise God He saw fit to send His Son, to not only die for my wicked heart, but to live for me as well... because I am incapable of any good without Him.
HE IS EVERYTHING GOOD! - Pastor Mike
“If all we do in our meditations is to repent of a few petty acts called sins that have accumulated over the last day (and this is not to belittle the importance of doing that), we have not known the deep power of purifying grace that repentance is supposed to offer. Israel and its stories help me to understand the deep underlying currents of evil response and intent, the tragic aquifers far beneath my conscious life that will continually feed my daily life with impurity unless they are identified and replaced with alternatives of the kind of character God built into Abraham.”
Gordon MacDonald
Praise God He saw fit to send His Son, to not only die for my wicked heart, but to live for me as well... because I am incapable of any good without Him.
HE IS EVERYTHING GOOD! - Pastor Mike
“If all we do in our meditations is to repent of a few petty acts called sins that have accumulated over the last day (and this is not to belittle the importance of doing that), we have not known the deep power of purifying grace that repentance is supposed to offer. Israel and its stories help me to understand the deep underlying currents of evil response and intent, the tragic aquifers far beneath my conscious life that will continually feed my daily life with impurity unless they are identified and replaced with alternatives of the kind of character God built into Abraham.”
Gordon MacDonald
Friday, March 11, 2011
Waiting + Dwelling on Him
Welp... I am definitely learning to listen to my heart more, or maybe it's the Holy Spirit in my heart. Through the blog of a dear friend in grief, I now realize when my own heart and mind can't take it anymore... and so I'm writing, struggling, questioning, dealing... all before the face of God, which is the meaning of Coram Deo, the name of my blog. Little did I know, that He would bring me before Him this way and hold me there to struggle under His gaze, before His face.
Over the years I have dealt with and continue to deal with deep heart pain. My life at times seems to overflow with overwhelming pain. Because of that, I have become a pro at denying my own heart. Not only did I dismiss my own pain, I quickly turned from the God of my heart and the Redeemer of my pain. Because I could not justify, in my heart and mind, His goodness and my heartache, I easily turned a cold shoulder to Him and swept the pain and hurt under the rug of my heart. Over the years it has been extremely easy for me to deny my own pain and therefore ignore the God who wants to walk with me through that pain.
Yesterday, I talked with my sweet blessing of an amazing friend on the phone, on my way home and I cried as I expressed my pain in not being able to take away the heartache of a precious family, sweet friends who hold a very special place in my heart. It is truly amazing how the Lord works and uses life to draw us to Himself. I cried as I expressed my frustration, anger, yet, joy that I cannot dismiss this pain, and therefore am being forced to look God in the face and struggle before Him.
For years I have hidden hurt, stuffed it, swept it far far far under the rug of my heart. For more years than I realize I have ignored my God, turned a cold shoulder to Him, tried to be independent from Him as a result of my unattended hurt, anger, pain and questions.
I think my rug is full under there...I think I lost my broom to sweep... and I know my rug is vommitting up everything I've swept under there for the past who knows how many years!
Yesterday I cried because I can't take away thier heartache, I can't fix it, I can't make it better or easier.
Today I ache with heaviness because I don't understand why... but Praise Jesus I am standing, okay maybe weighed down to my knees before my Savior, struggling, questioning, hurting before His face......
Why....
Why did You have to take such an amazing husband, father, leader, example and friend?
Why do my sweet friends have to grieve this? go through this? Why is this the road You have chosen?
Why is this life so hard? life taken away? life cut short?
Why is sin so evil? so damaging? so hurtful?
Why.... (whew, even still my heart pain is easier to dismiss, to say outloud)
Why was my childhood stolen? happy memories covered over so often with bad?
Why is child abuse so prevalent? Why do You allow it? Why didn't You rescue me, us?
Why am I not married yet?
Why have You chosen to withhold my heart's deep desires of a family, children, to be a mom?
Why do I even have to feel hurt?
Why can't You just come back and put an end to all the heartache?
Why, why why why why why why why why why....
I'm full of unanswered questions, pains, hurts, disappointments, loss, grief, desires, longings, fears...
Yet, "the Lord, the Lord... a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness, keeping steadfast love for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sins." - Exodus 34:6-7
Recently I heard for the first time (from my Pastor) that he had so many questions, but it was okay, because he knew the Lord was still in control, here, faithful and loving still. I had never heard or seen someone process through it, say that, and come out on the other side. He challenged us to wait for the Lord, because He promises He will show up.
I am struggling to be still and wait for the Lord. I confess I don't want to. I don't yet trust His goodness and severe mercy in His ways, His safety... (I believe, LORD Jesus please help my unbelief?!)
Everything in me wants to run the other way, hide, distance myself in order not to feel the pain, hurt and heartache. But now, in this situation, I can't run... I have a deeper love, a love for a sweet family, that goes deeper even than my own love for myself, that is holding me before His face. He has sovereignly drawn me close to this sweet hurting family, He has grown my love for them, He has sealed and bonded friendships, He has sown together the body of believers... and I cannot run from them, from their hurt, their aches... I want to be there, and so must be there before the Lord.
In my weak, feeble, timid and scared efforts to wait for Him, He is faithful, loving and at work still, even as much as I sinfully resist. I see His severe mercy at work... Thank you Lord for leaving the fold, finding me, breaking my legs and carrying me back before Your Throne, before Your face, under Your gaze....
Help my unbelief... Help me wait for You... Help me dwell on who You are... Speak Truth to my heart...and God, please... please... please... in the Name of Jesus... show up!?!
Over the years I have dealt with and continue to deal with deep heart pain. My life at times seems to overflow with overwhelming pain. Because of that, I have become a pro at denying my own heart. Not only did I dismiss my own pain, I quickly turned from the God of my heart and the Redeemer of my pain. Because I could not justify, in my heart and mind, His goodness and my heartache, I easily turned a cold shoulder to Him and swept the pain and hurt under the rug of my heart. Over the years it has been extremely easy for me to deny my own pain and therefore ignore the God who wants to walk with me through that pain.
Yesterday, I talked with my sweet blessing of an amazing friend on the phone, on my way home and I cried as I expressed my pain in not being able to take away the heartache of a precious family, sweet friends who hold a very special place in my heart. It is truly amazing how the Lord works and uses life to draw us to Himself. I cried as I expressed my frustration, anger, yet, joy that I cannot dismiss this pain, and therefore am being forced to look God in the face and struggle before Him.
For years I have hidden hurt, stuffed it, swept it far far far under the rug of my heart. For more years than I realize I have ignored my God, turned a cold shoulder to Him, tried to be independent from Him as a result of my unattended hurt, anger, pain and questions.
I think my rug is full under there...I think I lost my broom to sweep... and I know my rug is vommitting up everything I've swept under there for the past who knows how many years!
Yesterday I cried because I can't take away thier heartache, I can't fix it, I can't make it better or easier.
Today I ache with heaviness because I don't understand why... but Praise Jesus I am standing, okay maybe weighed down to my knees before my Savior, struggling, questioning, hurting before His face......
Why....
Why did You have to take such an amazing husband, father, leader, example and friend?
Why do my sweet friends have to grieve this? go through this? Why is this the road You have chosen?
Why is this life so hard? life taken away? life cut short?
Why is sin so evil? so damaging? so hurtful?
Why.... (whew, even still my heart pain is easier to dismiss, to say outloud)
Why was my childhood stolen? happy memories covered over so often with bad?
Why is child abuse so prevalent? Why do You allow it? Why didn't You rescue me, us?
Why am I not married yet?
Why have You chosen to withhold my heart's deep desires of a family, children, to be a mom?
Why do I even have to feel hurt?
Why can't You just come back and put an end to all the heartache?
Why, why why why why why why why why why....
I'm full of unanswered questions, pains, hurts, disappointments, loss, grief, desires, longings, fears...
Yet, "the Lord, the Lord... a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness, keeping steadfast love for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sins." - Exodus 34:6-7
Recently I heard for the first time (from my Pastor) that he had so many questions, but it was okay, because he knew the Lord was still in control, here, faithful and loving still. I had never heard or seen someone process through it, say that, and come out on the other side. He challenged us to wait for the Lord, because He promises He will show up.
I am struggling to be still and wait for the Lord. I confess I don't want to. I don't yet trust His goodness and severe mercy in His ways, His safety... (I believe, LORD Jesus please help my unbelief?!)
Everything in me wants to run the other way, hide, distance myself in order not to feel the pain, hurt and heartache. But now, in this situation, I can't run... I have a deeper love, a love for a sweet family, that goes deeper even than my own love for myself, that is holding me before His face. He has sovereignly drawn me close to this sweet hurting family, He has grown my love for them, He has sealed and bonded friendships, He has sown together the body of believers... and I cannot run from them, from their hurt, their aches... I want to be there, and so must be there before the Lord.
In my weak, feeble, timid and scared efforts to wait for Him, He is faithful, loving and at work still, even as much as I sinfully resist. I see His severe mercy at work... Thank you Lord for leaving the fold, finding me, breaking my legs and carrying me back before Your Throne, before Your face, under Your gaze....
Help my unbelief... Help me wait for You... Help me dwell on who You are... Speak Truth to my heart...and God, please... please... please... in the Name of Jesus... show up!?!
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