Opposition

It shouldn't, but it does... it never ceases to amaze me when I encounter tremendous, intense, really almost crazy opposition as I begin to struggle with the LORD. It happens every time, therefore, you would think I would be use to it by now. That would be a negative!
I never expect it, although I should. So easily I quietly and unwittingly fall for the prosperity gospel (lil g, because it's no true Gospel at all) even in the simplest forms. Unconsciously thinking, if I even just make one good decision for the Lord, He will pour out blessings and affirm me and make me rich in the Kingdom. The problem is...my prosperity, blessings and good rewards look absolutely nothing like His prosperity, blessings and good rewards. 
As I sit on my couch and look back over the past two weeks I am in awe, amazement and unbelief at the opposition that I have stood against. If you've followed my blog for any amount of time over the years, you know I hate dealing with heartache, which in turn usually keeps me from dealing face to face with my Redeemer.
The normal pathway and routine looks a lil something like this... I experience hurt, heartache or trials. I begin to question, deal, struggle with my LORD and instantly I am surround by extreme opposition, therefore I run... from heartache, from opposition, from hardship, from persecution, and turn a cold shoulder to my Savior. Once I continue on in my course of life, it's pretty much guaranteed the opposition will lessen, even disappear!
Recently, I have been struggling with intense heartache of a dear family that I love. Death, loss, grief, sorrow, sadness, mourning... yep! all the things that make me cringe! But because of the love the Lord has bound us with, I willing walk along side them, which in turn has forced me to turn my face to my Savior with all the emotions that entails: anger, doubt, questions, hesitations, fears, disappointment, grief, rebellion...did I  mention anger and questions?!
Sooooo... you guessed it, let the opposition begin. I'm going on week two of intense, extreme, exhausting opposition. The opposition began not even an hour after I had realized I had been enjoying a break from opposition. Thank You Lord for the break! Even though I didn't realize I was enjoying a break until it was gone... haha!
Without going into great detail, let's just say, as a single woman, my greatest struggle is with the opposite gender. Go figure! The love of man has always been my numbing drug of choice. Numbs the pain, gives temporary pleasure and relief, distracts, excites, gives a natural high for a while. Never lasts though. The high and numbing effect always wears off and leaves a wake of guilt, shame, regrets, condemnation, etc., etc., etc.
Every single flippin time I begin to struggle and truly seek the LORD's face this opposition hits me from every angle. This time has been the worst... I have encountered at least ten opposition/opportunities within the past two weeks. The last being the heaviest blow of all, which came yesterday with news that I was having an affair with a close friend that I didn't even know about! haha, out of left field? yes! Crazy? yep! Extreme? yes! Was I shocked? not after dealing with two weeks of this bullshit. It fit right in with the sequence of events of the past two weeks. 
Everything in me wants to bolt, turn and haul ass the other way, away from the LORD... this is the first time in my 29 years that the LORD has kept me struggling before His face. I can see Him at work. I can see Him using things in my life to draw me back before His face when I turn to haul ass the other way. He's holding me. He working, He's giving me strength and the grace to fight back. He's giving me the eyes of Heaven to see where this opposition is coming from. He's giving me energy, because I am literally exhausted in every way possible. He's giving me encouragement through precious friends that are there exactly when I need support, propping up.
This is the first time in my whole life, in the midst of heavy, intense and extreme opposition that I can see the hand of the LORD, actively at work in my life, heart and soul.
All I can say is praise His Name for that.
Lord please continue to show up. Please Jesus give me strength and clarity of thought. Please Jesus hold me before your face, no matter how difficult the opposition may be. Please LORD clearly show me that You are here in the midst of it, holding me up, holding me together... keeping me in Your hand.
I love You, even though everything in me wants to run!