Gladiator Questions

We sat on separate couches across the play room from each other. We were both snuggled under blankets on a lazy Sunday afternoon, watching Gladiator after eating a huge breakfast at Cracker Barrel. Over the weekend I would routinely look over to check on him, making sure there weren't random tears falling out, or double checking to make sure he was still engaged in the movie. I could tell this with this glance that his mind was wandering. He was off in another world. With this glance I caught his eye and he began asking questions...
M- "Lindsey, when you go to college, and you pick a major, do they arrange your classes to go along with what you want to do?"
L- They sure do.
M- "So whatever I want to do, those are the classes that I will take?" 
L- Yep, you'll have to take some core, basic classes, but then you can focus on what you want to do. Then comes the fun stuff.
M- "What was your major?"
L- hahaha! me thinking back, Biblical Studies.
M- Www...well, what did you want to do with that; be a missionary?"
L- I have been a missionary, I lived in the Philippines for 2.5 years.
M- "But when you picked that major is that what you wanted to do?"
L- No
M- "So what did you want to do?"
L- Be a Mom.
M- "A what? A bomb?"
L- hahahahahaha... No, a mom, a mother, raise a family.
M- "Ohhhhh! Like my mom does?"
L- Yep, like your mom does.
M- "Oh, okay."

And then our eyes reverted back to watching Gladiator again. The questions were over. The thought process completed. I smiled and then lost myself again in the movie, escaping the punch I had just received in my gut. Simple, genuine curiosity from a sweet, sweet boy that hit hard, uncovering deep wounds in my heart that I carefully guard and keep covered.
Today there is no movie, only frustrating work and quiet time that gives opportunity for the sucker punch to set in...
Why Lord have You not blessed me with a family and kids?
Why do You bless some with children, when some of them don't even want them?
Why have You given me this gift with children and no children to disciple?
Why did You give me this deep longing and no answer to it?
Why do You keep reminding me of what I don't have?
Why do You give such deep desires for good things that go unfulfilled?
Why do You give children to parents who don't give two shits?
Why, why, why?
Why do You give children a wonderful father and then take him home?
Why are there orphaned children? Abused children? Homeless children? Unloved children?
Why do You allow all these heartaches?!
Why, why, why?....
I could go on for days with those kind of questions that bubble up from a wound that won't heal, a desire that won't go away, a heart that won't stop hurting, questions that never get answered, time that seems to keep passing. I don't know why...
And I'm reminded of the sermon on Job that my pastor recently preached, wherein he said, "Wait patiently for the LORD and He will show up!"
Lord I'm waiting...
LORD give me a heart's desire to wait on YOU alone, not on Your gifts, not on Your blessings, not on Your signs and wonders, not on Your answers to my every question... just You.
LORD help me to wait for You alone!
Even if you never give me what my heart desires... please Jesus give me You!
I believe Jesus, help my unbelief!?!