Helpless Doubt

I awoke this morning, after a muscle relaxer induced, deep sleep to a text. A text that I missed. A text from a friend who needed me. A text of hurt, tears and pain... It hit me like a ton of bricks and I immediately realized... I missed it, I wasn't there. I was asleep, drugged, and it's all the muscle relaxers fault! ha!
Yes, I was there this morning. Yes, I try to be there if I can, when I can, however I can... but last night, I wasn't there...when I was needed I wasn't there.
It has weighed on me all day, knowing that I can't be there for it all. I can't be there every time a heart ache comes. I can't be there to catch every tear. I can't be there to encourage every day. I can't be there to create a smile. I can't be there to bring cheer. To go even deeper...I can't be there in those deep crevices of the heart, where the memories are, where the ache is deep almost untouchable, where the love is stored, where there is an enormous aching void, where there is an unreachable wound, where the tears overflow from.
Helpless is exactly what I have felt today.
And once again I am reminded that I am not God. I can't do it all. In fact in the grand scheme of things I can do very little. I've always wished I had a magic wand that I could wave and poooof, instantly make things all better. But I don't have those powers. I can't be in all places at all times. I can't hear the silent tears and cries in the night, especially when I'm drugged! ha!
Immediately I thought, praise Jesus that the God of our soul doesn't have to sleep! You, the Lord of all creation don't get cricks in Your neck; You're never drugged on muscle relaxers. The Lord, the Comforter doesn't live 30 minutes away. He doesn't work an hour plus away. He can be there. The Spirit was given us as a gift, a deposit to be with us always, until the glorious Day we are with our Redeemer again. He can see deep inside our souls. He knows our questions, hurts and aches before they leave our tongue. He can reach the unreachable wounds to heal. He catches every single tear. He knows, He's here.
I comforted myself for a while, reminding myself that He was there. He was near last night when I wasn't. He was catching tears, He was listening, even if words weren't being spoken. He was there.
Then my good ol familiar Thomas heart peeked it's head around the corner...
"Lord do you care? I hurt so much! I ache so deep. I feel so helpless. I can't fix it, I can't take it away. I feel like I can't do anything to help. Are you there? Why can't you be visible? Why do you have to be a Spirit? Lord why does it feel as though you are so distant and uncaring, busy maybe? Why can't you fix this heartache instantly? Why can't we go back and undo such horrific things in life?
The doubts kept pouring in, like a dam had broken in a wall somewhere deep within my heart... then the real question hit... the crux of the matter came out...
"Lord in the face of such deep pain and loss... I don't believe You're good... Lord how can I trust You when you aren't safe?!"
These are questions that have haunted my heart for years upon years, never ending. For years I have ignored them and pretended they weren't in my heart. Now these unavoidable questions seem to be grabbing me by the chin, turning my face toward my Lord and holding my face before His gaze. I can't not deal with Him.
Praise the Lord God in heaven that He is gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love and mercy, faithful, even when my heart falters. Praise God He never changes, even though I question Him over and over again.
Thank God that He is God and not me. Thank You LORD for being our Helper and our EVERYTHING!

"I lift up my eyes to the hills.
From where does my help come?
My help comes from the LORD,
who made heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot be moved;
he who keeps you will not slumber.
Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
The LORD is your keeper;
the LORD is your shade on your right hand.
The sun shall not strike you by day, nor the moon by night.
The LORD will keep you from all evil; he will keep your life.
The LORD will keep your going out and your coming in
from this time forth and forevermore."
-Psalm 121

"Jesus please direct my heart to the love of God and to the steadfastness of Christ."
-2 Thessalonians 3:5
 
"...I believe Lord Jesus; help my unbelief!?"
-Mark 9:24

I love YOU, even when I'm full of doubt, little failing faith and questions.