Inspired by Love + Loss

My inspiration to begin journaling again is grief, loss and pain in this life. I'm learning it's a part of life, whether I like it or not. It comes whether I like it or not. It's here whether I try to deny it or accept it... and I'm beginning to grasp the tip of the ice berg that those difficult things in this life are good, productive and redeeming. Hard as hell, YES! Painful, YES! But in a paradoxical way, only in Jesus... good. Am I embracing these hardships joyfully, NO, NOT YET! Which brings me to my inspiration...
I've realized that when there is pain in my heart alone; when that pain effects only my heart...it's extremely easy for me to try to deny it, cover it over and ignore it for a while. I bury it deep, try not to deal with the pain and turn an angry, cold shoulder to my Savior. I know, sad, but it's the truth. Yet when it comes to the pain of my dearly loved family and friends... I can't escape it. I can't deny someone I love. So as I walk along side them in this difficult life it's as if their pain stabs me right in the heart. That pain then forces me, in a way, to gaze directly in the face of my Savior and deal with this pain in Him.  
It began two weeks ago when a very precious family recently lost an amazing, vital heartbeat of their family. A sweet mother and friend lost her lover and husband. Three of my deeply loved friends lost an incredible father. My church family lost a godly man, worship leader and all around Christ-like example. And I lost an adopted father and wonderful godly example...
This I cannot deny, ignore... there is no rug big enough to brush this under! 
Therefore, with my deeply loved family as inspiration, I am making a choice (or maybe the Lord made the choice for me) to keep my heart open to them, their pain, their love, their struggles, their grief and loss.
This also brings me to the pain, love, struggle, grief and loss in my own heart as I miss him deeply! This was a drop in the roller coaster that took my breath away and left me speechless before an all powerful God.
It's as if He has left the fold, searched me out, found me, coherced me to Himself, gently peeled back layers to my heart, broken my wayward legs and is carrying me back to the fold.
hahaha! Normally I would kick and scream and try running the other way, but my legs are crippled by the pain of loss and grief. I can't run, I can't hide, I can't deny... and in a pain filled way, don't want to.
So helplessly I am carried on His shoulders, along with my sweet precious family that He is carrying too. Praise His Name His shoulders are big enough for all His children!

Psalm 51: 1-8
1 Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your steadfast love;
according to your abundant mercy
blot out my transgressions.
2 Wash me thoroughly from my sin!
3 For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is ever before me.
4 Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you may be justified in your words
and blameless in your judgment.
5 Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,
and in sin did my mother conceive me.
6 Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being,
and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.
7 Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
8 Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones that you have broken rejoice.

God be glorified as I walk day to day before your face, struggling as you teach me wisdom, purging me with hyssop, washing me and infusing joy and gladness in my broken bones!
I love you... even though my heart wants to run from you in the pain!