A light bulb went off last night in my head... I literally heard a DING! on something I've never been any good at. The ding is...there is a huge difference between talking about God and actually talking to Him! May seem trivial to those of you who've mastered this over the years, yeah right! Check again! But it's difficult for me. It's much much easier to talk about God than to actually direct my face toward Him and interact with Him personally. It's easier for me to vent my frustrations, questions, disappointments, hurts to others about God instead of directly engaging my Savior with the same.
There are also different results too. I know this sounds so simple, but it just seemed to ding last night. Hope I stay dinged and don't lost it in the jumble of everyday. If I simply vent my questions, frustrations, anger, etc., etc., etc., to someone else about God, the heaviness doesn't dissolve. My frustrations and anger are only kindled, nothing is solved and the anxiety (we'll call it) remains. The heartache is still there. But, if I turn my face toward God and I vent, question, express my hurt, disappointments, heartache... I still might not get answers, and the heaviness might remain, but I've taken it to the Father. He hasn't til yet answered all my why questions, and I don't know that He ever will. I don't know, it just seems to feel better when I actually take my heart issues to the Creator of my heart. It does help to speak them sometimes out loud to others, but at the same time those people can't reach down into those untouchable crevices of the heart and heal wounds like the Lord can.
But in this, of course, there is always an issue that keeps me from turning my heart Godward....ME! I am the worst at going to the Lord with my heart. I get in my own way of taking my heart issues before my Redeemer. One simple reason is because, when I turn to face Him, and come with my complaints (which is really what they are) He gently opens my eyes to Who it is exactly I am speaking to and who I really am as I come into His presence. When He gives me that clear picture of how holy and righteous He is and how I am not... my complaints don't seem as weighty. My sinful, prideful, rebellious, idol self-loving, assertive heart is shown for what it truly is... and that isn't the best feeling in the world. So instead I turn to others to talk about Him instead of to Him.
Another issue of mine is that I simply don't know Him well enough to feel safe taking my heart issues to Him. I have pretty much grown up with wrong ideas of who God really is. Over the years I've put Him in several different boxes, none of which were accurate. I've seen Him in many different lights, none of which were wholly true. I've cast molds and images on Him that don't fit nor belong in His character. I've seen Him through a grid of my own life, that has distorted my ability to know Him for who He truly is. Therefore, why would I be all excited about bringing my aching heart before Him?! With all of those falsities and distortions that I struggle with; it's no wonder He doesn't seem safe to me.
I constantly remember the quote from The Chronicles of Narnia wherein Mr. Beaver says 'of course He's not safe, but He's good!' That just throws me for a loop. Maybe it's because of all the heartache that is around and in me. Maybe it's because of my childhood and past heart hurts. Maybe it's because of all the pain that seems to be unending in this sinful fallen world. Maybe there is a lot more than I realize that stores up in my heart and as a result poisons me with doubt, distrust, insecurity, questions, fear and hesitations.
As a result, I am overwhelmed with thanksgiving for my Pastor, Mike Campbell, who is currently teaching through the attributes of God! YEHESSSSSS! So yesterday, the Lord gave me the idea to get Cd's of those sermons. So I'm gonna try and push the Truth in through the thick walls of this protected, scared heart. Then maybe my heart will turn Godward a lil quicker and easier and will talk to Him and really deal before His face. Thank the Lord He's at work in this poisonous heart!
Lord I believe, help my unbelief.......please Jesus teach me the Truth of who You truly are, so that I can easily run to You in times of trouble.
I love you, because You first loved me!
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