Plaque Buildup

Ya know that feeling on your teeth after a day of eating junk food. Or maybe it was a long hard day and you're just too tired to brush your teeth at night... I know, gross! But admit it, if I do it every blue moon, being the teeth fanatic that I am, I know you do too! It's that coating, layer, like fuzzy feeling of plaque build up on your teeth. I hate it! It's gross and I can't handle it for too long... So I get my tooth brush and brush the crap out of them, I mean I lay those stiff bristles to my teeth, brushing abrasively to get rid of that gross plaque buildup feeling.
I got that picture just now while sitting at my computer, working on updating a Court docket, obviously now stopped because I could not see through my tears...
This past weekend was a plaque build up weekend, there was no time to "brush my teeth". haha! Of course I brushed my teeth this weekend! I'm referring to the emotional plaque build up that seems to settle on my heart when I don't brush regularly. It happens every now and then, when I don't have time to process or when I really don't know what is going on inside me and likewise haven't taken the time to do introspection to find out.
This weekend was just that. It started last Thursday with dinner out at Papitos with my sweet lil sisser. It was a fun night, but different nonetheless... life will never be the same after the loss of a beloved father. Then, instead of just house sitting, I got the privilege of kid sitting, we'll say kid, because M- is twelve... so no longer babysitting. :)
It was such a fun weekend of... Just Dance, the movie Shooter, going to a Pearl High School Pirates baseball game, lunch at Canes, Tombstone (love that movie), then a family photo shoot, then dinner out at P.F. Changs followed by renting the movie RED, then coffee at Church, then brunch at Cracker Barrel, then getting halfway through Gladiator... all with my lil Bro, M-. He's such a great kid! We've never had one on one time before, because it's always been with his sisters and me, but this weekend was ours. Nothing but fun, talk of guns and games and movies and etc....etc...etc... Our fun ended with a all of us holding hands in a circle in the kitchen, Mama J. asking me to pray for their vacation...something her husband, their father, always did.
I enjoyed every second of the weekend! Yet, while I was enjoying being and playing with Michael all weekend, one on one, and catching up with the girls before they left.... my heart was also hurting, reaching out, burdened, ministering, being strong, loving, protecting, encouraging and caring... all without any thought of what was going on inside me....emotional plaque buildup!
So this week I am house sitting for this sweet family and now I have some down time. As I sit and work on this docket my mind swarms through conversations we had, jokes we told, laughter we cackled, questions he asked, spit balls we spit, hahaha! What a fun weekend... what a great kid... what a great family... that is now less one vital member.
It takes me a while to get here, but slowly the Lord brings things (abrasive things / frustrations) to start brushing the plaque off, breaking down the walls, getting to the heart of the matter. It goes something like this.... waking up late, being late to work, a frustrating day, a rude person on the phone, accusations fly, the stapler jams, I can't seem to catch up, I break a nail reloading the stapler... and then the tears start to fall. I wonder how many times would we have spent qt time if M-'s dad was still here? My heart aches as I try, with little success, to love through frustrations and attitudes. I hurt knowing the house is empty because the family is on a hard family vacation. The buildup has set in over four days... and today, now, is the first time I've had to process.
Emotional plaque buildup and the abrasiveness that ya have to have to get it off sucks! I hate heart hurt. I hate crying. I hate heartaches that are not fixable. I hate questions that are unanswerable. I hate that there is death. I hate that kids have to struggle through emotions of losing a father. I hate that I can't fix it. I hate that just being there never feels like it's enough and yet it's all I can do...
The plaque is brushed away as the tears fall. I am thankful that I know the LORD who is in control at all times. I'm thankful there is no plaque buildup with Him. I am thankful that He has each day in His hand and is here, loving amidst the heartache and pain. I am thankful the most I can do for them, is pray!
I'm thankful that even though I don't know the whys, I know Him, I AM.
Please LORD Jesus, as I live day to day in this difficult life, Please continue to remove the plaque build up, no matter the abrasiveness it may take... I would rather hurt under the pain of You, being here, brushing my heart, than to have emotions build up that cover and protect my heart from YOU. 
I believe LORD Jesus, help my unbelief?!