Welp... I am definitely learning to listen to my heart more, or maybe it's the Holy Spirit in my heart. Through the blog of a dear friend in grief, I now realize when my own heart and mind can't take it anymore... and so I'm writing, struggling, questioning, dealing... all before the face of God, which is the meaning of Coram Deo, the name of my blog. Little did I know, that He would bring me before Him this way and hold me there to struggle under His gaze, before His face.
Over the years I have dealt with and continue to deal with deep heart pain. My life at times seems to overflow with overwhelming pain. Because of that, I have become a pro at denying my own heart. Not only did I dismiss my own pain, I quickly turned from the God of my heart and the Redeemer of my pain. Because I could not justify, in my heart and mind, His goodness and my heartache, I easily turned a cold shoulder to Him and swept the pain and hurt under the rug of my heart. Over the years it has been extremely easy for me to deny my own pain and therefore ignore the God who wants to walk with me through that pain.
Yesterday, I talked with my sweet blessing of an amazing friend on the phone, on my way home and I cried as I expressed my pain in not being able to take away the heartache of a precious family, sweet friends who hold a very special place in my heart. It is truly amazing how the Lord works and uses life to draw us to Himself. I cried as I expressed my frustration, anger, yet, joy that I cannot dismiss this pain, and therefore am being forced to look God in the face and struggle before Him.
For years I have hidden hurt, stuffed it, swept it far far far under the rug of my heart. For more years than I realize I have ignored my God, turned a cold shoulder to Him, tried to be independent from Him as a result of my unattended hurt, anger, pain and questions.
I think my rug is full under there...I think I lost my broom to sweep... and I know my rug is vommitting up everything I've swept under there for the past who knows how many years!
Yesterday I cried because I can't take away thier heartache, I can't fix it, I can't make it better or easier.
Today I ache with heaviness because I don't understand why... but Praise Jesus I am standing, okay maybe weighed down to my knees before my Savior, struggling, questioning, hurting before His face......
Why....
Why did You have to take such an amazing husband, father, leader, example and friend?
Why do my sweet friends have to grieve this? go through this? Why is this the road You have chosen?
Why is this life so hard? life taken away? life cut short?
Why is sin so evil? so damaging? so hurtful?
Why.... (whew, even still my heart pain is easier to dismiss, to say outloud)
Why was my childhood stolen? happy memories covered over so often with bad?
Why is child abuse so prevalent? Why do You allow it? Why didn't You rescue me, us?
Why am I not married yet?
Why have You chosen to withhold my heart's deep desires of a family, children, to be a mom?
Why do I even have to feel hurt?
Why can't You just come back and put an end to all the heartache?
Why, why why why why why why why why why....
I'm full of unanswered questions, pains, hurts, disappointments, loss, grief, desires, longings, fears...
Yet, "the Lord, the Lord... a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness, keeping steadfast love for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sins." - Exodus 34:6-7
Recently I heard for the first time (from my Pastor) that he had so many questions, but it was okay, because he knew the Lord was still in control, here, faithful and loving still. I had never heard or seen someone process through it, say that, and come out on the other side. He challenged us to wait for the Lord, because He promises He will show up.
I am struggling to be still and wait for the Lord. I confess I don't want to. I don't yet trust His goodness and severe mercy in His ways, His safety... (I believe, LORD Jesus please help my unbelief?!)
Everything in me wants to run the other way, hide, distance myself in order not to feel the pain, hurt and heartache. But now, in this situation, I can't run... I have a deeper love, a love for a sweet family, that goes deeper even than my own love for myself, that is holding me before His face. He has sovereignly drawn me close to this sweet hurting family, He has grown my love for them, He has sealed and bonded friendships, He has sown together the body of believers... and I cannot run from them, from their hurt, their aches... I want to be there, and so must be there before the Lord.
In my weak, feeble, timid and scared efforts to wait for Him, He is faithful, loving and at work still, even as much as I sinfully resist. I see His severe mercy at work... Thank you Lord for leaving the fold, finding me, breaking my legs and carrying me back before Your Throne, before Your face, under Your gaze....
Help my unbelief... Help me wait for You... Help me dwell on who You are... Speak Truth to my heart...and God, please... please... please... in the Name of Jesus... show up!?!
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