I have a feeling I am going to be learning from this pattern for a while... definitely not a quick fix. As I sit here and stare at a blank page; it's not for lack of thought. My mind is racing, emotions are on the roller coaster ride, there's too much to say, think, feel, learn, repent of... and I just want to escape, numb the pain, deny what I'm feeling and struggling with and pretend as if nothing is wrong. Actually, I would love to go back, undo, erase, redo and fix everything really! ha! This is my normal, default mode of dealing with hard things... I come by it naturally, I think starting from a very young age.
My problem is I am now aware of my numbing escapage (Yes, I make up words frequently) tendencies, therefore I know what I'm doing and what is going on inside and out when I attempt to escape through numbing. Also, another snafu is my Redeeming Savior who loves to love me through these things, wanting me to walk through them with Him, instead of turning, running, covering my eyes and with all my self saying, No! I don't want to go down this road, I don't want to deal today, please can we take a break, have it easy for a while, rest, go back to 'normal'?!
Normal? What the hell is normal?! It's a setting on my washing machine, that's all it is! There is nothing normal about this life, which brings me right back to my numbing, escapage systems failure recently.
I have said in recent posts that my ability to numb and escape this heartache is impossible because of the love and heart bond the Lord has given me with this sweet family and their tragic loss! I have lighter days... days that aren't filled with tears and hold more laughter and fun. Everything is not gray and dismal all the time, it comes and goes as grief and heartache usually do.
I enjoy those lighter fun days. As I seek to struggle through this heartache and pain before the face of God; I know a certain someone that is not happy about it. I know a certain someone that will do whatever it takes to keep me from engaging the living true Savior. I know an enemy that wants to keep me in high fun lighter days, whether they are true or self-induced!
It's been amazing to me in the past two weeks how 'high/numbing opportunities' have been rolling in like the ocean waves! I can count actually five to be exact within a weeks time. Is this normal? NO!
I hate heartache and pain! I'll take physical pain any day of the week over deep heart wounds. As I walk this road, it's clear to me I have an enemy that knows my disgust of heart pain and yet knows that in the middle of that heart pain is where I deal with the Lord face to face.
So of course! The obvious answer is to distract Lindsey with escapages and great numbing possibilities that will take her mind off of dealing with her Savior, and keep her mind and heart numb, pain free, temporarily relieved, high, floating along with the current of the world, happy, light, distracted, disengaged, dead. Soooooooooooo frustrating!
I fell for it the first two days, and then the Lord opened my eyes to what I was doing in my heart. He snapped me back to reality and again I begin to fight to be and deal before His face. It's hard, somedays I want to give up. Somedays it would be easier to throw the towel in and say, I give, I give!
The amazing thing is... He holds me by my right and and will lead me into glory. He won't give up on me, no matter how tired I am of fighting and feeling and dealing. No matter how much I rebel and fight against the hurt and pain, He stays, He holds me, He keeps me and He won't ever let me go!
The timing of this all is truly amazing. I can't give you the full picture, because I'm just not sure it would make sense to you, but it makes perfect sense to me, and is nothing but the sovereign hand of the Lord, walking with me. Is it fun? ummmmmmmmm......NO!
Example... yesterday I was presented yet another opportunity to numb and escape... I was headed down that road when the Lord brought me to my senses and snatched me back. Not only did He open my eyes to the tendencies toward which I was leaning. He provided an alternate route, He gave me a way out from under the temptation I couldn't bear at the time. He gave me a text saying, can you come spend the night tonight? A text that drew my heart right back into the middle of the heartache and pain. Was it easy? No! Did I want to run? Yes! Do I feel helpless? Absolutely! Can I escape and deny those that I love dearly? No! I can't... therefore, today my heart is heavy again. I am full of questions, aching pain, tears, doubts and heaviness... but I am thankful, for the first time I am thankful, that I am in the middle of heartache! Because in the midst of it, He's here. He's got me. He's leading me. He's holding me. He's healing me. He's patiently listening to all my questions. He's reminding me of His Truths. He's bringing me back over and over and over again to Him.
He's loving me... does it look like the 'normal Hollywood love of this world'... not at all! But it's the truest, most real love that is possible in this world! I have, for my whole life, wanted a love that looks totally and completely different, even opposite of the Lord's love. But He is teaching me the greatest love...but God demonstrates His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. - Romans 5:8
And even though I hesitate to say this, with tears running down my face... I am thankful, in Jesus Name, that my numbing escapaging failed... Lord, do whatever it takes! Please take my heart wherever necessary to keep me before Your face, in the middle of your severe, loving mercy! Whether it's pain, hurt, heartache, loss, fun, laughter, joy, smiles, dancing, crying, struggling, questioning, repenting... Lord keep me where You are!
I believe... please Jesus help my unbelief?!
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