It's funny because I normally run from this kind of heart pain with everything I have in me! But I can't this time, because it effects those that I deeply love. It would mean running from them, and I can't do that.... I had the thought yesterday as I cried filming M~ sing, 'good God! LORD I sure hope you didn't do this just for my stubborn ass!' NO! He did not 'do this' just because of me. There is really no tellin what His plan is in this... but I do know He is using this horrific loss to break me, melt me, mold me, fill me and use me. How selfish can my heart get to think, 'is this really about me?!' No, Lindsey, ya dummy!, but at the same time He really is using it to force me to deal with Him face to face. Which is what I fight not to do soooo often! When it's my own heart pain, I run from Him like a whipped pup, but I can't run from this, from them, from Him. So it's like I'm calf roped and willingly (in a way) being held still, in the pain, because I won't turn my back on those that I deeply love and their pain, which therefore forces me to deal with mine.
So in a horrible way it's a wonderfully good blessing... ugh! that SUCKS!
It also hit me today that the Lord is strengthening me in my waiting... I've never been a patient waiter, especially when it comes to the Lord showing up on my behalf, because from many past heart hurts, life experience has ingrained in me that He won't show up, He's not faithful, and He won't come to my rescue...but recently my Pastor, Mike Campbell, preached the truth of God's love and faithfulness...even in dealing with this tragedy. M+ was a godly man, my Pastor deeply loved; And His truth in that sermon really is beginning to take hold.
Because, for the first time, in dealing with my pain, I am hoping that as I wait He will show up! I want Him too so much, but my past experiences and hurts and pains tell me He won't and I'm wasting my time, when I could make myself happy temporarily in the meantime by numbing and dulling the pain with my most tempting and effective addicting drug, the love of man. But I feel like for the first time, I'm helpless in my ability to run from Him. It's like He's got a death grip on me and is not letting me go PRAISE HIS NAME!!!!
Praise God in my most weak, ignorant times, I can now see Him holding me and giving me strength to stay, endure, fight and deal with HIM through the pain.
WOW!!!! Now that is Him at work, because if you know me...I tuck tail and haul ass when it comes to heart pain! If it's physical pain I can take it like a champ... but not heart pain! No way! No how! Nuh uh! No thank you Lord! ha!
He is working hard in keeping me at the foot of His Cross! Trust me, it's a full time job!
I can't help but share with you the precious Woman's Heart that the Lord is using in my life to draw me back to Himself. I know her as Mama J*. I sadly and with much hesitation introduce you to her as grieving Mama J*.
Although, such tragedy, pain, anguish, grief, loss, hurt and weakness can only boast in the Cross of the LORD! The Cross of Christ shines a bazillion times brighter in the darkness of love lost like hers! Thank you J* for sharing your precious heart and Savior with us!
I welcome you to follow her heart as well as mine, as the Lord works His grace and His purposes for good in the face of horrific pain in the lives of His children!
Psalm 73: 21-26
21 When my sould was embittered,
when I was pricked in heart,
22 I was brutish and ignorant;
I was like a beast toward you.
23 Nevertheless, I am continually with you;
you hold my right hand.
24 You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will receive me to glory.
25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire
besides you.
26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strenth of my heart
and my portion forever.
Held...at His feet, before His face, under His gaze.
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