Actually these days, my heart wavers back and forth. As a Christian, I don't speak it out loud, but I might as well because He already knows my heart. It's as if I could pull over on the side of the road, on my way to work... pick one of these daisies and begin ...trust the LORD, don't trust the LORD, trust the LORD, don't trust the LORD, trust the LORD...as I pull off each petal to the end, leaving my decision resting on the last petal.
I actually made a clay model of this issue last year. It's a hand which represents the LORD's hand. There's also a separate clay heart that can be placed in the hand or taken out. The same pedalology just with a clay creation. Last year on my way out the door I would make my decision, as if it's really up to me, and I would either remove my heart from His hand, or leave it in His clutches for the day. It's a very visible model of what I go through, back and forth, back and forth, in my heart.
THERE! All you refined, holy looking, sin hiding, have it all together, secretly rebellious, Christian saints! I said it out loud! I STRUGGLE DAILY TO TRUST THE LORD!!!
This week I've been trying to fight it. I've been trying to deny it. I've been trying to be okay. Yeh, not working so well for me. Never does! Daily I struggle to trust the Lord with my heart. Daily I don't want to surrender my heart to a God who is good, but not safe. Daily I struggle to trust His plan and purpose, knowing my heart's desires and deepest longings, yet not knowing His. This week I have tried my best to hide my heart, tuck it away tightly behind some freshly lain brick walls, to keep any new hurts from reaching it. hahaha, I can be such a two year old! I swear!
My struggle constantly reminds me of a young child who covers his eyes. With eyes covered he is hiding. You are standing right in front of him, but in his mind you can't see him, well, because he has covered his eyes to you. You can't see me he says. Then removes his hands and you say boo, or pee-pie!
It frustrates me to no end that my default nature is to hide my heart from the LORD. When I hear or feel that Aslan is on the move, I hide. My heart screams deep blood curdling screams of fear...run, hide, protect yourself! He's coming and you never know what He's bringing with Him!!! Will it be hurt, pain, disaster, heart ache, surprises, suffering, revelation of sin, joy, smiles, happiness, conviction, persecution... I never know what He's doing! How He's working! What He's got coming just around the corner! That scares the hell out of me!
I think my heart at this point in my life is weary. It seems to whisper to me daily, I've been through enough hurt and pain, can we just stay safe for today? Can we hide and rest from the unknown storm that swirls around for even a couple hours?
But then, even now as I am typing, I know deep down that no matter where I run, no matter how deep I try to hide, I cannot hide from the LORD. I can't tuck my heart away from His reach. I can't shut Him out. No matter how tight I cover my eyes... He doesn't go away.
"Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there you hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me." -Psalm 139: 7-10
I must admit some days this thought doesn't bring me comfort. But when I stop to really think... If I truly had the choice of going through this life with or without Him. I could never make it without Him! The trials, heartache and pain are going to come regardless, whether I'm with Him or running from Him. The Truth my head is trying to force my heart to believe is that, He is here, regardless of life's situations, He is here with me and He is for me, and He will never leave me nor forsake me. Promises. Promises that He will keep. Promises that He's got me. Promises that He's holding me, not me holding onto Him. Promises that He'll carry me to completion. Promises that He will fulfill. Promises that should bring me peace, comfort and hope... but if I'm honest, some days they don't. Praise His Holy and Merciful Name, that even on these days He stays. He promises and is always faithful, whether I am or not! Praise Praise Praise His Name!
LORD Jesus, I know you're here. I know I can't hide my heart from You. Deep down I think I really don't want to...please open my eyes to your love, grace and goodness. Jesus help me to believe in You, when everything in me says RUN! I believe, just barely I believe, please help my overwhelming unbelief!?!
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