Retinal Reflections

I sat in church Sunday... Communion was being served. Beautiful, worshipful music was coming from the piano. An amazing sermon was just preached and taken in regarding the huge heart of God to forgive us our sins. I sat in awe. I sat aware of how small I really am. I sat with my heart heavy and eyes opened to my sin-fullness. I sat knowing myself well enough to know I don't love the Lord as He deserves. I sat knowing my independent, rebellious heart. I sat full of guilt. I sat staring at the huge wooden cross which hangs in the front of our Church. With tears flowing down my face, I sat and stared at the cross of Christ, where my forgiveness and key to life lies. I closed my eyes... praying the Lord would forgive me for my innate tendencies to run from Him.
As I closed my eyes, I could still see the cross. I had stared at it for just long enough for it's image to burn in my retina. I sat looking at the reflection of the cross in my closed eyes... and prayed Lord keep me here, at Your Cross, always seeing it before me!? Please keep me here?! Hold me here?! As I prayed the retinal burned reflection of the cross I was seeing faded away slowly. Therefore, I had to open my eyes to look on the cross again.
It was a great imagery for me, for my heart. If/when I look upon the Cross of Christ for any length of time, then even when I look away I can still see Him for a time. But in my sinfully deceitful wicked heart I can't keep Him there in the forefront of my mind and heart. I stray... way too easily I stray. Trials and tribulations come, life happens, I close my eyes in fear, or run the other way in survival mode and the Cross fades, and I keep going, making my own way. When I don't see it anymore in my line of sight, I think He has left, He's gone, left me here, alone.
If only I would open my eyes again to gaze upon His Cross. He's always here. In one act of rebellion I simply close my eyes to Him. I might not run every time, although it's more often than I like, but nonetheless I willingly close my eyes to Him and it doesn't take too long to forget Him. Sad but true...
What a good reminder to turn my eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face... and the things of Earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace.
Jesus, I believe, help my unbelief?! And keep my focus and gaze upone You alone!?