Self-Relance. In simpler words, arrogant independence. Sunday I was shown my most recent idol. Most recent because as a human I am better known as an 'idol making factory'. I have a pretty productive assembly line that whips idols out faster than you can say... well, I won't say. :)
As much as I hate to admit this, I might as well be honest about myself and where I am, just as I am realizing this new sin the Lord has graciously opened my eyes to, I feel as though my heart is still in the process of trying to avoid it. Ya know how it goes... He shows me a heart issue that needs to be corrected, changed, or broken, and instead of surrendering humbly, I (just speaking for myself at this point! ha!) give every effort to try one more time to take care of things on my own. I guess that's the nature of this idol that has slowly crept into my heart and life.
In all honesty it stems from a deep desire to protect myself from hurt. Once so many hurts roll in one right after another, it's like enough is enough...and when God seemingly doesn't protect, seemingly doesn't care, seemingly appoints them, and is seemingly distant at the same time, well, I obviously have chosen to take over and protect myself. Which has brought me to this arrogant independence, where I, full of sin, stand before the Lord and say, I've had enough hurt, thank You! I'll take this heart from You now and I'll protect it much better than You have up to this point! Not only has this idol effected my relationship with God, but it effects other ongoing vital relationships as well. But admitting what's wrong is half the battle, right?! EH?!?!
For the past 2.5 months the Lord has physically been showing me, step by painful step, a picture of my idolatry. My injured feet have cuased more pain in these months than the combined past 15 years. I endured plan A - physical therapy and steroids with stubborn calloused independence. When that made matters worse, I endured plan B - walking cast and mind altering meds with arrogant stubborn hardened independence. And tomorrow I have a gut feeling I will now face plan C - hard cast and crutches one foot at a time.... my thick head and stubborn heart is beginning to see a pattern here!!!
So, here I am struggling with the reality of being bound up (literally) and forced to be dependent on others, and more importantly forced to deal with my God whom I've arrogantly balked at for a while now. So in my heart I wrestle...God disciplines the ones He loves, yet is He punishing me? The thought of Him punishing me sadly only makes my heart bolster with independence, as a rebellious child, fighting with every fiber against the punishment received. My teeth clench, my heart quivers, and tears flow to the tune of a 1000 different questions and I am forced to deal with Him....Who are You really? Can I really trust You? How can You draw me to trust You when the reality is You are not safe, the world is sinful, and my heart is most of the time left helplessly unprotected? Are you good, really?! How do I survive, seemingly alone, in this world that is broken and hurtful? What do You want from me?
At this point, the day before I reluctantly and angrily go in to see the foot doctor for binding that brings healing... my heart looks in the spiritual mirror and my heels dig in at the thought of going to the Great Physician who binds and heals with grace. I've never prayed this for myself before, but hard heartedness calls for desparate measures.... all I am left with is Lord Jesus Christ, break me, be as gentle as possible, but break me, force me before your presence to struggle with You and please, please God have mercy on my sinful soul!!!!
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