After an evening of fellowship with the women at the church I began my hour drive home. It was dark and the road was long. My heart was heavy after hearing a lady's testimony at church of how the Lord had worked in her heart over the past year to move her into a deeper relationship with Him. She spoke of how He had taught her to be still and listen to Him, to seek His face above all else, and to not just give Him the "scraps" of her day.
I felt convicted... the Ol' Holy Spirit was stirring in there deep down inside where a lot of times I don't like to look.
I knew that the Lord was speaking to me through her that night. I knew that my life had gotten so busy that I wouldn't be able to hear the Lord if He shouted from Mount Sinai at me!
Usually on the long drive home on Highway 16 I crank up my Hillsong praise music and listen to the praises of the Lord for an hour. But recently the praise songs had turned into noise. I wasn't singing them from the heart anymore, I was just using them to drown out the still small quiet conviction of the Lord. It never feels good to be convicted of being wrong, or doing something wrong, or even just not being in Him.
As humans we all find something to drown out His conviction and double edged sword that pierces, dividing bone and marrow, soul and heart. When a sword pierces I imagine pain... which is why most of us avoid it at all costs. We run from the pain that is really true healing when dealt with before the forgiving and gracious God that loves us like no other.
I began to pray... Lord please speak to me, please keep my aimlessly wandering mind focused on you. I turned my noise off and just rode on the dark highway in silence. All I could hear were the bazillion thoughts racing around in my head vying for my attention and the hum of my Honda.
Lord...please speak to me, please work in me, please move in my heart, Lord have I lost touch, have I grieved the Holy Spirit, Lord please show me that you are still with me, carrying me to completion as you promised.
Isn't it just like us... we are nothing but doubting Thomas'...always asking for signs, when He has given us the greatest sign of all - His precious one and only Son that He sent to save us from His wrath.
As I repeated those prayers over and over in my mind and heart I began to get discouraged. I don't know what I was looking for or what I wanted. But I knew I wanted Him there and I wanted His presence, I wanted to feel His presence. I know our faith is not based on feeling, but as a woman and a deep feeling one, I just guess I wanted to feel Him with me that night and hear Him speak to my soul.
As I got closer to Farmhaven I started smelling this horrible stench! I couldn't figure out what it was. It smelled like a cross of burnt chicken, horse and cow manure. It was the most foul thing I had smelled in a while, and it lasted for a good 15 minutes of my trip. It began to stick in my throat so I turned the air off, but it was too late, it had already infiltrated my car, and stuck in my nose and the back of my throat. I tried only breathing through my mouth, but I could even taste it the smell was so thick. Now I know, living out in the country you just smell these type of smells, but this was different! I had never smelled something so disgusting.
And then it hit me... He was speaking to me even through the horrid smell of burnt manure. The Scripture came to my mind that the Lord does not delight in burnt offerings, but a broken and contrite heart. The smell of burnt manure made me think of the Old Testament days when bazillions of animals were slaughtered to stay the wrath of the Lord from the Israelites. Then the Scripture came to my mind of how we are to be the fragrance of the Lord to those who are around us.
The Lord was speaking to my heart and convicting me just like I asked, no begged Him to. I got this goofy grin on my face right in the thick of the stench.
He was convicting me, probing my heart, peeling away hardened layers, and revealing tender soul underneath...
Am I a stench to the Lord? Is my busy life an offering that the Lord takes no delight in? Am I a sweet fragrance to those around me, to those that I come in contact with for even brief moments throughout my days? Does my life waft the sweet aroma of God's grace to those around me that don't know Him?
I got the sick feeling that all the answers to those questions were not in my favor of being a holy and righteous Christian! I had the sickening feeling that I had not been living as a sweet fragrance to the Lord or to others!
Oh the convicton of the Lord can be seen so differently: from trying to drown it out with praise song noise, to straining to hear Him in the deafening silence wanting to be convicted to know He is still there holding me by the right hand and leading me to glory.
Praise the Lord that even though my sinful heart is a stench to Him, He loves me in spite of me. Praise His holy Name that even when I am a foul horrid odor to those around me for Him, that He continues to work in me, carrying me on to completion, and continues to win souls for Himself.
Praise His holy Name for His mercy that never fails... His faithfulness that will continue to be new every morning! Praise God for showing me the stench that I am, so that I can see my desperate need for Him, so that He can be a sweet smelling fragrance in me!
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