Moldable Clay, Me?!

As I walk slowly, hesitantly and fearfully through this trying time in my life the LORD continues to walk right there beside me. His steps never falter, He remains faithful, even when I stop, turn, and try to run the other way. Praise the LORD that He upholds me by His righteous right hand and keeps me with Him, even when I want to go my own way.
Yesterday as I drove home , for once, surprisingly, I was able to look at all that is before me objectively. That is unusual for me, because normally I see things through distorted lenses; clouded and distorted with my emotions, my desires, and mostly my will/flesh.
I know it was of the LORD because my foggy, distorted, selfish thoughts don't always clear and I am not always able to see Him, as worth it ALL, a lot of times, which is extremely sad to say. But yesterday He moved in my heart, and He gave me the desire to seek His face, which is what it takes everytime to keep me humble and dependent on Him.
I began to talk things out with Him, share what I was thinking and feeling, what I didn't understand, and what I was fearful of... if you know me then you know that when I hit a hard spot, my first knee-jerk reaction is to give the LORD the cold shoulder. I think this comes from a lot of things in me, but a couple of those being 1. that I am a hard core 5 point Calvinist. I totally, completely, undeniably know and believe that my God is sovereign and reigns over everything on this earth, EVERYTHING! There is nothing out of His control! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! So it's easy for me to blame Him when hard times come, well, I guess because He is the easiest target, being in control and all. :( But then on the other hand, I know it's my sinful flesh that doesn't understand, can't make meaning out of His perfect ways, and doesn't want to submit to His will, but instead wants my own. I know, I know, we are working on this, me and Him, it's not a good thing in me at all, but He's working it out of me slowly, it might take a lifetime (I hope not!), but He won't give up, I am confident of that!
Then last night I walked into my spare room, which I was showing off to a freind. I was showing her my ingenious wire picture hangers stretching across my walls- My dad is the best, and honestly, I think he can do most anything when it comes to fixing things, and creating things! He's amazing, thanks dad! I'll post a pic soon...
As I stood there showing off my hangers I looked at a picture that I recently painted, which is of a lump of clay on the Potter's wheel. I started thinking about that lump of clay... What exactly does that mean Lindsey? What does that look like in my day to day life? How should my life and walk with God resemble a big ol lump of clay?!
The first word that came to my mind to describe what I was picturing was 'surrender', oh how much more peaceful my life would be if only I would surrender quickly! That is a tough one for me! My mind wandered further...
In order to be the Potter's moldable clay I must be...
still (not running off the wheel, trying to get away to my own way :)
lifeless (dead to me and my will, alive only with His touch, His molding)
willing (to take whatever, the washing, the knife, the pounding)
formless (with no pre-made ideals, purposes, or expectations of what I should be made into)
flexible (for the Potter to do whatever to me)
cooperative (not stubborn, but easily moving and quickly forming to His every touch)
trusting (leaving my future, shape, form, being, and existence in His hands and for His purposes)
moldable (not fighting against what the Potter is trying to make me into)
touchable (open for anything, not knowing what the Potter will do; we are not promised ease, health, wealth & prosperity)
patient (being set on the shelf at times, left to dry out at times, put in the fire at times, never being complete until that Day)
pure (He will, sometimes painfully, remove anything that keeps my form from resembling His Son)
attentive (waiting, anticipating, desiring, longing for the touch of the Potter, whether it's pain or pleasure, when the Potter is the one touching it's sheer delight no matter what)
As I remembered back over the mental list that I had made, I was shocked (I don't know why) that yesterday, last night, today and right now in my life, I have been none of those. I might have had some of those qualities at different points in my life, because the LORD is always at work! But it broke my heart to realize that those qualities were lacking in my life.
There is one thing I know.... (I know I have taken this image about as far as it can go), that I have been purchased at an unbelievably costly price. I am comforted to know that though I may possess some of those qualities at times, though I may struggle to find a single one of those qualities at times, no matter how I am doing in comparison to that list, no matter what this lump of clay looks like, I AM HIS!
I belong to Him. That cannot be undone! Praise the LORD, hallelujah, that nothing I do, nothing that my flesh, will, and rebellion can come up with will pluck me out of Jesus' hand! Jesus has come here, lived the perfect life (that I can't), died the perfect death which appeased God's wrath on my behalf (which I couldn't do), conquered death, rising from the grave, and now if that were not enough, He sits at the Father's right hand interceding on my behalf!
HALLELUJAH WHAT A SAVIOUR! HE IS WORTH IT ALL! He is worth every pain, trial, tibulation, persecution, hardship; He is worth all the grief, anguish, trouble, and folly that this life offers. No matter how my life changes, no matter how my will and flesh falters, no matter how I fail from day to day, one things remains! I am His, and He is mine! That can never be undone, come what may!
Oh, to only be a surrendering lump of clay, still, and awaiting His touch!