A Lie Through The Peephole

Yesterday could best be described as a tiny crack in a steel vaulted door. The door had been slammed shut, deadbolted, double and triple bolted for a while. It's amazing how easy it is to immediately revert back to "what's comfortable", "what's known", "what's routinely normal".
I am no different from others; maybe experienced a lil more pain than your average American, but I think it just comes in different forms in others' lives. But how others experience pain is not on my radar grid right now, because I feel like I've got enough to overflow & share with 4-5 other people. Everyone goes through it, and everyone deals with it in one way or another. Me? I shut down, shut out, and bolt the vaulted door behind me.
Yesterday's crack in the door is a result of a faulty peephole. In the past, after I would slam my big ass steel door in God's face, I would, after a long period of time, timidly tiptoe over and quietly peer through the peephole to catch a glimpse of Him on the other side. And trust me, what I've seen through that tiny peeophole all these years, is not pretty; and I'm realizing that it's been a lie all this time. This lie and distortion of God has manipulated and scared me into unlocking and opening the door again; because what I saw was a distant, demanding, quick-tempered God who was angrily ready to punish me and threatened to quickly flick me out of His kingdom in disgust and impatience. Imagine seeing that through a tiny peephole! You wouldn't open the door either?!?!
Today I can say this lie is slowly beginning to diffuse a little as I realize one simple fact -the passing of time: my door had been shut to God for years now, and to this day, after all of this time, He still hasn't flicked me out of His kingdom! I mean, come on?!...if anyone was going to "lose their salvation because of choosing & rebelling against God", trust me, I would've lost it already! And since years have passed and my worst fear hasn't happened, I'm starting to think that maybe I've fallen for the lie through the peephole.
Now after identifying the lie through my peephole, I've come to a first in my life. For the first time in my life I want to unbolt and crack the door, not out of fear, but out of curiosity to see what's really truly on the other side.
Now the WHOA factor throughout this story is God's timing. So Tuesday, on the very day that I tiptoed to the door, slowly cracked it and peeked through to the other side; I caught a glimpse of a gift. Now before you think I'm losing it, of course, I'm the one that bought the new camera and lens, haha! But what baffles me is the timing of it all...me beginning to realize the lie through the peephole, my desire to see the truth on the other side, me barely cracking the door, my new camera that just happened to arrive the same day, and everything else that wraps into the culmination of that door cracking open. Don't you think the true God on the other side knows who is peering through the crack? He obviously know that photography is one of my greatest joys right now?! I gotta give Him credit, He knows how to speak love to my shut down heart in a way that draws me out, in a way that helps me feel joy and excitement, when I am constantly surrounded by pain and hurt. His timing amazes me, as He has led me to this point, with everything that entails. I'm amazed that even in my angre, He still shows mercy to me. I'm shocked at what I've seen on the other side, through the crack in the door of my heart. Is He really that loving, intimately detailed, patient, kind and caring?! With the evidence before me, I'm ashamed to say that my heart still fears and doubts; images of that lingering lie through the peephole remains, and I want with everything in me to shut the door again... but I'm fighting to keep it cracked, just cracked for now...and hoping against all hope that God will heal my heart, soften it towards Him and His ways and help my unbelief. Oh God have mercy on me, a wretch of a sinner!