Faith Under Fire

Have you ever felt like your faith was being tested or you were under unmistakable faith fire? And depending on what you did or how you reacted shaped the way your life reflected God and glorified Him?
This past weekend I had one of those firing squad, spiritual warfare, faith testing/proving times. Ugh! It was unmistakeable... I would have passed it by without a thought had the Lord not brought to my attention what exactly was going on.
A look back.....
In the past, over the years, I have struggled to have a consistent and dependent relationship with the Lord, no I'm not alone in this, but everyones is different. Mine has seemed to be almost cyclical. I walk with the Lord hand in hand, foot step in foot step, trusting and close enough to be as one, everything going great, like the mountain top experience... and then... something goes wrong. He has asks me to give up things, or do something hard, or just demands my whole heart at times. This does not set well with me, and my horrible sinfulness! And each time one of those crossroads appeared in our relationship, I would, like clock work, everytime, blame God for the hard time or hard test that I was going through, turn my back on Him, give Him the cold shoulder and seek His all consuming, satisfying love in places that I was never going to find it!
That has been the cycle of my rebellious 'Gomer' heart... sometimes when hard things come it just has seemed easier (at the moment) to not process the hard things, or weigh out my options, or dig deep and sift through my heart, but instead it's easier to block it out and settle for something that will make me feel better for the moment, and then once the anesthesia-like numbing wears off, it's back to feeling even worse about myself before the Lord. And then it still used to take God a long time to bring me back to repentance and humility to admit that I needed Him to work through a certain time. I know, I know, I'm thick headed!
Well this weekend I was faced with the crossroads again. On Saturday I had the whole day to come to God and bare my heart and soul to Him, but did I? No! I cleaned instead!!!!! Ya know! Order everything on the outside so hopefully the organization and cleanliness will seep in to your soul! ha! I cleaned until my house was spotless! It's amazing sometimes the lengths we will go to, trying every other remedy but the ONE we know will heal our hearts.
I knew I needed some good sleep for the Sunday to come and so I took a benadryl... and IT DIDN'T WORK! That is when I knew something was going on that I had not given time to think about. Spiritual warfare! So as I was getting ready on Sunday morning, I had some time to think and process and the Lord quieted my spirit before His throne.
He is sooooo gracious! Not only did He show me that I was trying to hide my heart from Him, not coming to Him with my soul... but He also revealed to me the cycle, and I was standing at the beginning of it.
I could see clearly the road that I always take, and I could see how that Saturday I had inched my way down that wrong path again. Then the Lord graciously brought me to His senses! I say His, becasue my senses are busted! :)
I had two options.... follow the easy cyclical path that I have taken for years, oh!, and I had every opportunity that day to follow that path.
Or I could look at who I am, what I am, what I am struggling with, and who I was struggling against. I was in the midst of fighting against years of cyclical behavior with the Lord. It was soooo very hard! I could feel the warfare in my heart, my nerves, my mind, I can't even explain how clear it was, how distinct the two paths were, how clear my options were.
And amazingly, this time, God gave me the grace to desire Him and relationship with Him above feeling good at the moment! That is huge! He gave me a desire to seek His face, to bring my heart to Him, lay it bare, and let Him soothe as only He can. I ain't gonna lie, it was like walking over fire... it was so hard to fight myself, my natural tendencies, my cycle, my routine...
It wasn't until I pulled out specific Scripture verses and fell on my face before God that I began to want to make the right choice this time. He gave me the desire for Him! and for Him alone!
Today I am basking in the glory of victory in Christ. The first time in years that I was able to see and seek the Love of my Savior as more valuable than any momentary pleasure or feeling! What an amazing feeling when you trample sin under your feet through the unmistakeable power of the Holy Spirit!
I just wish I lived for the Lord like that on a regular consistent basis! Oh, what the Devil would have to fear if I saw everything in this life pale in comparison to the love of the Lord like I did yesterday!
Praise God for a long awaited victory and a hard fought battle!
"Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
look full in His wonderful face...
and the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
in the light of His glory and grace!"
Hallelujah what a Savior!
Just wanted yall to praise God with me for the victory that He won in my heart yesterday! :) He is good!