Yes, I know it has been way too long since I sat to write thoughts, or even just sat to think for that matter! But I am back. Crazy how I go in spurts like that, but that is just me. :) No denying that!
So yesterday was my first time to go to church in a while. And boy was it rough.... good but rough, convicting but hit hard, the bold Gospel but just difficult to hear.
Sundays have been hard for me for a while now, just because of this season that I am going through and the struggle that I am in with the Lord. For a while I have only gone to the Sunday morning service, because my "contentment" sunday school class was just keeping me mad and frustrated, and well, the 11am service was about all I could handle.
The weekend of the 6th was fun... I went to Tennessee to visit a precious friend/cousin-in-law of mine. I love her to death and we have been best of friends from the beginning. She had a baby shower for her second lil boy which is due in April, and I was able to go up for the weekend and enjoy some time with her. It was so much fun and a great break from life here. It was just what I needed, although Church was left out that weekend.
The weekend of the 13th was fabulous... I left on Saturday, with a group of friends from my church, headed to Ft. Morgan, AL for a spring break beach trip! No, I don't get a spring break, but yes, I took one! haha! I had so much fun just relaxing, cooking, playing on the beach, wearing myself out, playing games, and fellowshipping with new friends! :) It was a fun trip and a needed escape weekend for me, although Church was not attended that weekend either.
So if I count the weeks in between since my last church, it had been 3 weeks since I had been to church to hear the Gospel and to be in the body of Christ. That is almost a month! And for this wayward one 3 weeks is way too long!
So yesterday I was desparately hungry (no, not in my stomach) and I got up early and went to sunday school, and both church services. Yes, the contentment class was still frustrating, but only because I feel like I will never get there. But the two services felt like a hard rain after being in the desert. Those 3 weeks felt like a desert; not while I was in them, but coming out of them. Looking back those weeks were like a mirage in the desert and yesterday the Lord opened up the floodgates and drowned me!
Both services were excruiating painfully hard to hear. They both were the bold confrontational Gospel truth (in true M.C. style, which I love), and the stories, the applications that my pastor used were acutely detailed, hemmed and tailored to fit only me. I sat there, tears streaming down my face, in awe at how both sermons in one day were not only exactly what I needed to hear, but exactly situations where I have been and what I am going through. They put me in touch with emotions, feelings, uncertainties, doubts and questions that I had purposely not dealt with for, oh, let me see, about 3 weeks!
I will have to say, after weeping through two church services, the Hound of Heaven is after me AGAIN! Although maybe He always has been! I am thankful today that even though the road is tough, and even though I stray off it every chance I get, and even though I try to out run Him and these issues, and even though I sometimes dig my heels in deep with stubborn rebellion...... He is there!!! 3 weeks of no church but He never left, 2 weekends of escape but He never escaped, days of my mind deceiving me, but He remained the same, and He continues to pursue me and chase me down the twists and turns that is my life.
Today I am thankful, very thankful for that Hound of Heaven that continues to relentlessly pursue me!
Princess, I love you and love to read your blogging! Your real truth about yourself is refreshing in a world where so many try to look and sound all put together!! I'm praying for you and love you a ton!
ReplyDeleteGosh Lindsey, don't let that book become a set of laws for you. It's a wonderful book, but not once that mindset creeps in. I spent 6 months leading a study through that very book. I'm still not perfectly content. I struggle with contentment all the time - though I forget that's what it is. I'm very discontent with my church sometimes. I can only say this here because you're invite only, but it's tiny and most of the women are into homeschooling and homesteading and view their lifestyles as superior and are very judgmental of the lifestyles of others. Sometimes I want to flee. My husband and I are such a bad fit - it would seem. But we know God has us there at this time for His reasons. That doesn't make it much more enjoyable though when the women are sitting around putting down how other people live - as though they were without sin. I'm always wondering, what then do they think of me.
ReplyDeleteContentment is for your joy and peace. It's your rest in the Savior. That's all. Don't beat yourself up over this. Christ has born all the beatings that were due to you for all your sin and discontent. Don't let the devil use this to put a guilt trip on you. Christ has borne the guilt of your sin. Look at the cross and rest.