Doing Me

"But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace toward me was not in vain." - 1 Cor. 15:10
This verse was in our sermon this weekend and it struck deep in me, as I have been trying to come to terms with who I am. Of course, yes, I am Lindsey, daughter of Steven and Deborah, sister to Chad and Kelly, and LaLa to W + R + Peanut, Artist, Photographer, Deputy Court Administrator... and on and on and on...
But that is not what I am talking about. I don't have any trouble admitting those things. In fact I accept and boast those things with pride most of the time. It's the things on the inside of me that I don't boast as easily. Actually these are things that for most of my life I have denied... it's truly amazing to be aware of how fast denial sets into a heart!
To be able to say, by the grace of God I am what I am...is astounding! Paul says these words in 1 Cor. after admitting that he was the least of the apostles, and the persecutor of the Church of Jesus. He is not boasting things he is proud of, he's accepting things that He is.
I have been sifting, filtering, and pilfering through my past recently... trying to do just that, figure out who I am. Up until about 2 months ago, I was very busy denying who I am, hiding who I am, covering over who I am, and pretending to be someone different. As I read several books, and obviously as the Lord has been working in me, I am beginning to be more comfortable with who I am...that means a lot, because like I said, you can't just be comfortable with only the good, you have to be comfortable with the good, the bad and the ugly, because we are whole beings. God knits us together in such a way that our whole beings reflect Him and His grace.
It was amazing for me to read that Paul was ok with who he was, and even knew that God's grace was not shown to Him in vain. No matter how big a mess Paul had made, no matter how far off Paul was from the truth, no matter what harm Paul had brought to the lives of others, God's grace to him was not in vain.
It reminded me once again, that even though I may try to hide aspects of who I am, God knows fully and completely who I am. Even though denial sets in, in seconds in my heart and mind, He never denies who I am. Before time began He knew me, in my mother's womb He knit me, from day to day He sees me and watches over me and walks with me. He knows me better than I know myself, because I am constantly blinded by my sin, pride and denial that wants to hide who I really am, in order to put forth someone better that I want to be.
When all along, He just wants me... He only requires for me to be myself... He never demands perfection from me, He knows I can't give it, that's why He gave me Jesus...He never asks that I live a sinless life, He knows I can't, so He gave me Jesus...
He only asks that I live: in day to day relationship with Him, real before Him, talking to Him, listening to Him, seeking to love Him, depending on Him, comfortable with who I am, before Him... just His beloved, glorious mess!