The past two days I can best describe as overwhelming, end of my rope days. That doesn't seem to do 'em justice, but it'll have to do for now. I have barely made it through eight hour days at work, as I'm exhausted from emotionalness, running myself ragged, lack of good rest and giving too much of myself. Therefore, I have ceased everything for the time being. I've come to work, pushed through, been productive and then limped home to sit in the sun in my back yard.
I carried my chair out near my Josephs Coat rose bush that is busting with blooms and plopped, sat, slouched and did nothing but tilt my head up and soak up some sun.
You can only guess the realization that hit me while sitting in the sun...duh Lindsey, I can only do and give sooo much...
I thought I knew this already and was living it out, but obviously I have been sucking it up in this area. Obviously I have given a lil too much, done a lil too much, not rested near enough and not taken care of me at all...because I completely lost it Tuesday. Everything seemed to be swirling around me like enveloping torrents of wind from a tornado, or maybe a black hole. Everything that I fear, care about, deeply desire, every struggle, heart ache and pain seemed to surface at once and I just knew for sure that I was going under!... Sooo, I've heeded good advice and parked my arse under the sun for the past couple days and done absolutely nothing besides soak in some Vitamin D and rest. As I was sitting doing nothing, of course my mind was still going, going, going, swirling, swirling, swirling... etc. etc. etc. ha! you get the idea...
But as I sat there with my face turned to the sun I was reminded of a simple, basic, essential Truth... that my stubborn @$$ forgets so often and easily.
God... Creator, Sustainer, Savior, Father, Refuge, Redeemer, LORD... IS!
I know... simple, right?!
It's just so easy for me to forget. In the midst of life I take my gaze off the God that keeps me alive... I get busy. I have photo shoots. I have picture editing. I have a full-time job. I have friends hurting. I have heart aches of my own. I have life sweeping before my eyes. I need to pay bills. I still haven't done my budget. I have a niece and two nephews that I don't spend enough time with. I have things I want to do. There are ways I want to serve. I have paintings sitting in my room, blank canvases, waiting to be filled. I have debt I want to pay off. Conversations to be had. Wedding shoots coming up. Spiritual warfare to fight. Parties to be planned. I have issues to resolve. I have friends I want to show I love. I want to exercise everyday. I want to kill sin in me. I want to be a living light. I need more hours in a day. Relationships I want to invest in. Gifts I want to use. Dreams I want to come true. Oh... did I pray today. I haven't read my Bible in days... swirl, swirl swirl... makes your head spin too huh?!
In the midst of all that doing I forget to be still and know that He is God.... not me! As I sat under the sun, the warm falling all over me like a comforting blanket, it suddenly hit me... no matter what is swirling, God always is. No matter what deadline or pressure... He is. No matter what relationship I invest in... God is. No matter what heartache I struggle with... God is. No matter if I budget or not... He is. No matter if I am overwhelmed... He is. No matter if I can't do it all... God is!
Why does it take such drastic measures for me to realize I need Him. In this whirlwind of life... God is, God remains, He is the same yesterday, today and forever! No matter what may come in life... God is. He's the only Constant. He's the only Truth that remains. He's the only blessing that stays. He's it. He's all. He's everything!
Maybe I need to sit and gaze at the Son a lot more often!
Jesus, in my weakness, I believe, help my unbelief?!
Everlasting God... the song that fits what the LORD is as I rest in Him...
Friday, April 8, 2011
Thursday, April 7, 2011
R + R
After a near catastrophic emotional breakdown yesterday... I have been forced to realize that sleep, rest, relaxation, down time, stopping to refresh oneself, lying down, cessation of exertion or labor, being at ease, being tranquil, being quiet, ceasing from motion, coming to rest, stopping, becoming or remaining inactive.... however you want to say it... to be still and know that He is God is a must!
Exhaustion and overwhelming emotion do not mix well! Understatement of the century! ha!
Every man's got to know his limitations -Clint Eastwood
And let's just put it this way... I hit my limit yesterday!
I am not superwoman, bionic woman, or any of those other super heroes in tights!, so I'm being intentional in resting...R + R...Rest + Relaxation...
Yey me! ha!
:)
Exhaustion and overwhelming emotion do not mix well! Understatement of the century! ha!
Every man's got to know his limitations -Clint Eastwood
And let's just put it this way... I hit my limit yesterday!
I am not superwoman, bionic woman, or any of those other super heroes in tights!, so I'm being intentional in resting...R + R...Rest + Relaxation...
Yey me! ha!
:)
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Just Breathe
"When my soul was embittered,
when I was pricked in heart,
I was brutish and ignorant;
I was like a beast toward you.
Nevertheless, I am continually with you;
you hold my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will receive me to glory.
Whom have I in heave but you?
And there is nothing on earth
that I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever...
...But for me it is good to be near God;
I have made the Lord God my refuge,
that I may tell of all your works."
- Psalm 73: 21-28
This morning was overwhelming with too much to list. My chest was heavy, thoughts racing, emotions high, tears flowing, energy hovering on E. Some days are just heavier and harder than others. When I really process through life, it's sometimes hard, painful really.
Today I have concentrated on breathing. haha, sounds easy enough, but when it hurts so much deep down in there, it hurts to breathe. Every now and then I take a deep breath and I can feel that heavy ache in my heart.
The first thing that came to mind was my flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Welp, today it feels as if my flesh and my heart are failing me. I can't see the purpose, the light, the answers, the good, His glory.
But I do see Him here, holding me together, helping me to just breathe... I believe, help my unbelief with each breath?!
when I was pricked in heart,
I was brutish and ignorant;
I was like a beast toward you.
Nevertheless, I am continually with you;
you hold my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will receive me to glory.
Whom have I in heave but you?
And there is nothing on earth
that I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever...
...But for me it is good to be near God;
I have made the Lord God my refuge,
that I may tell of all your works."
- Psalm 73: 21-28
This morning was overwhelming with too much to list. My chest was heavy, thoughts racing, emotions high, tears flowing, energy hovering on E. Some days are just heavier and harder than others. When I really process through life, it's sometimes hard, painful really.
Today I have concentrated on breathing. haha, sounds easy enough, but when it hurts so much deep down in there, it hurts to breathe. Every now and then I take a deep breath and I can feel that heavy ache in my heart.
The first thing that came to mind was my flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Welp, today it feels as if my flesh and my heart are failing me. I can't see the purpose, the light, the answers, the good, His glory.
But I do see Him here, holding me together, helping me to just breathe... I believe, help my unbelief with each breath?!
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Sandpaper + Bubbles = POP!
I love when light bulbs go off! Especially when a bulb dings regarding something I've been mulling over, struggling with, working through... While driving yesterday with my sweet Momma, a light bulb in my head and heart went ding ding! :) We were discussing my recent frustrations; my Momma is the best listener hands down... really the best Momma I've ever had! hahaha!
This is somewhat of how it went....
I am so frustrated that I don't feel like I can properly greive, cry, be sad, think or work through things without rubbing up against others who are not okay with me doing this. Nowadays I have really low days, sad days, crying days, frustrating days, processig days. On these days, when I am working through things my normal mode is to get really quiet. I am not my normal happy, smiling, bubbly, talkative and bouncy self. I stay to myself more, don't talk as much and do a lot of thinking.
It's happened just about every single time that, on these days, I encounter at least one person who has the brilliant inconsiderate advice of just smile, be happy, brush it off, don't let it get ya down...
I'm thinking, really?! Is that really what you want to say to me?! Obviously there is something going on and you want me to just smile and be happy?!
It's as if my mood and obvious sadness makes them uncomfortable. I completely understand not knowing what to say to someone who is going through a hard time, I've been on that end, but let me just confirm to just smile and be happy is in no way encouraging! So when this is the message I get from people around me, my usual remedy to the issue (which is really their issue, not mine) is to put a fake smile on my face and pretend I am okay for the time that I am physically in front of them. WOW! When I spell it out like that... that is just retarded!
For the longest time, it's been bothering me as to why people can't just let me be. I didn't get why it bothers people so much for me to not be happy, for my mood to not be bubbly. The greiving process has hurt like hell, but honestly the hardest part has been dealing with those around me that won't let me greive in front of them!
So Momma and I kept discussing and this is where the ding hit! I don't remember who came up with it, but the light bulb lit between our two heads, so there... ha!
In this world, in America especially, there is an unspoken shallowness that everything is good or fine. When you pass someone on the street you flippantly ask, 'how are you?', and keep on walking, because you're just being southern and fake friendly not because you really want to know. Americans work so hard at having it all together. We structure out worlds, jobs, families, houses, yards, friends, emotions, and interactions to have it all together. We set up our miniature god-like world where we are the boss, and where we control what goes on. We depend solely on ourselves, independent (or so we think) of outside help. We buy, build, spend, and flaunt to try and fool ourselves that nothing is wrong. We put a smile on and act like we are the happiest creatures on this planet. This is where the rub comes... When someone (like me) doesn't hold themselves together, and lets pain, heartache, brokenness, sadness, depression, tears and frustrations show through, it's like sandpaper rubbing up against a freshly blown bubble.
Not only are people uncomfortable with my brokenness that is showing through. They also feel helpless to fix me and selfishly don't want my pain to ruin their fake happy lil' bubbles that they've worked so hard to fortify. It's like we humans do whatever we possibly can to insulate ourselves in our bubbles as we float along so carefree and happy in the sky, avoiding, living ignorant, and turning a blind eye to what is really going on in the Earth that we are trying so hard to float over.
I can't judge here, because I used to work so hard at denial. I'm the queen of ignoring heartache and hurt feelings and painful emotions! I hate when my heart hurts! I used to do anything and everything to run away from heartache. But God, through His severe mercy and grace has me in a place of life where I am hurting and I can't run. I can't fix myself, I can't make the heart ache go away. I can't bring about the dreams I long for. So I ache, I cry, I hurt deep... and now on the other side, I am like the sandpaper to the bubbles of others around me. Why?
Because we as sinful humans are not okay with realizing and admitting our brokenness and neediness! Why would anyone want to live broken and needy? Why would anyone want to admit their own helplessness to fix themselves? Why would anyone want to feel their own heartache that they can't magically make disappear? The only reason to live outside this self-made bubble of happiness is if there is someone outside of me that's holding me up.
The only reason I am okay with being hurt, depressed, sad, down, low, tearful, broken, needy and helpless is because I know I am not the one that is holding me together to begin with. I no longer have a fake world of happiness to uphold. I no longer exercise control that I really don't have. I no longer think that I can fix myself... therefore I live broken, hurting, needy and helpless. The LORD popped my bubble and I fell right into the palm of His hands.
This doesn't set well with others. hahaha! Especially when they are working so hard to not realize all the above. So, just yesterday, I decided I am going to genuinely be sandpaper. As much as it hurts others, I refuse to be fake and act happy when I'm crushed inside. I refuse to put on a smile if it's not what is in my heart. I won't wallow and I won't greive without hope, but I will greive, ache and cry.
In this phase of my life, in this brokenness, in this extreme neediness, in this heartache... I will unintentionally burst bubbles. Not out of meanness, but out of my genuineness in living. Therefore, as I burst bubbles of fake happiness around me; As I intrude into lil' held together happy domains with my tears; As I live genuinely where God has me at each moment, day by day... I will show forth my weakness, pain and brokenness. While I live through this heart ache and pain, I will be genuine to who I am, showing forth my need for a Savior to hold me together.
I will be the sandpaper, not to show forth myself. I'm not asking for sympathy, charity, fixing, or empathy. I'm asking you to look deeper...to open your eyes and see that there is more to this life than floating in your happiy ignorant bubble, above the reality of a broken and needy human race, before a compassionate and loving God. So watch out bubble floaters... your world is about to be rocked! Or should I say popped?!
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamitites. For when I am weak, then I am strong." - 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
This is somewhat of how it went....
I am so frustrated that I don't feel like I can properly greive, cry, be sad, think or work through things without rubbing up against others who are not okay with me doing this. Nowadays I have really low days, sad days, crying days, frustrating days, processig days. On these days, when I am working through things my normal mode is to get really quiet. I am not my normal happy, smiling, bubbly, talkative and bouncy self. I stay to myself more, don't talk as much and do a lot of thinking.
It's happened just about every single time that, on these days, I encounter at least one person who has the brilliant inconsiderate advice of just smile, be happy, brush it off, don't let it get ya down...
I'm thinking, really?! Is that really what you want to say to me?! Obviously there is something going on and you want me to just smile and be happy?!
It's as if my mood and obvious sadness makes them uncomfortable. I completely understand not knowing what to say to someone who is going through a hard time, I've been on that end, but let me just confirm to just smile and be happy is in no way encouraging! So when this is the message I get from people around me, my usual remedy to the issue (which is really their issue, not mine) is to put a fake smile on my face and pretend I am okay for the time that I am physically in front of them. WOW! When I spell it out like that... that is just retarded!
For the longest time, it's been bothering me as to why people can't just let me be. I didn't get why it bothers people so much for me to not be happy, for my mood to not be bubbly. The greiving process has hurt like hell, but honestly the hardest part has been dealing with those around me that won't let me greive in front of them!
So Momma and I kept discussing and this is where the ding hit! I don't remember who came up with it, but the light bulb lit between our two heads, so there... ha!
In this world, in America especially, there is an unspoken shallowness that everything is good or fine. When you pass someone on the street you flippantly ask, 'how are you?', and keep on walking, because you're just being southern and fake friendly not because you really want to know. Americans work so hard at having it all together. We structure out worlds, jobs, families, houses, yards, friends, emotions, and interactions to have it all together. We set up our miniature god-like world where we are the boss, and where we control what goes on. We depend solely on ourselves, independent (or so we think) of outside help. We buy, build, spend, and flaunt to try and fool ourselves that nothing is wrong. We put a smile on and act like we are the happiest creatures on this planet. This is where the rub comes... When someone (like me) doesn't hold themselves together, and lets pain, heartache, brokenness, sadness, depression, tears and frustrations show through, it's like sandpaper rubbing up against a freshly blown bubble.
Not only are people uncomfortable with my brokenness that is showing through. They also feel helpless to fix me and selfishly don't want my pain to ruin their fake happy lil' bubbles that they've worked so hard to fortify. It's like we humans do whatever we possibly can to insulate ourselves in our bubbles as we float along so carefree and happy in the sky, avoiding, living ignorant, and turning a blind eye to what is really going on in the Earth that we are trying so hard to float over.
I can't judge here, because I used to work so hard at denial. I'm the queen of ignoring heartache and hurt feelings and painful emotions! I hate when my heart hurts! I used to do anything and everything to run away from heartache. But God, through His severe mercy and grace has me in a place of life where I am hurting and I can't run. I can't fix myself, I can't make the heart ache go away. I can't bring about the dreams I long for. So I ache, I cry, I hurt deep... and now on the other side, I am like the sandpaper to the bubbles of others around me. Why?
Because we as sinful humans are not okay with realizing and admitting our brokenness and neediness! Why would anyone want to live broken and needy? Why would anyone want to admit their own helplessness to fix themselves? Why would anyone want to feel their own heartache that they can't magically make disappear? The only reason to live outside this self-made bubble of happiness is if there is someone outside of me that's holding me up.
The only reason I am okay with being hurt, depressed, sad, down, low, tearful, broken, needy and helpless is because I know I am not the one that is holding me together to begin with. I no longer have a fake world of happiness to uphold. I no longer exercise control that I really don't have. I no longer think that I can fix myself... therefore I live broken, hurting, needy and helpless. The LORD popped my bubble and I fell right into the palm of His hands.
This doesn't set well with others. hahaha! Especially when they are working so hard to not realize all the above. So, just yesterday, I decided I am going to genuinely be sandpaper. As much as it hurts others, I refuse to be fake and act happy when I'm crushed inside. I refuse to put on a smile if it's not what is in my heart. I won't wallow and I won't greive without hope, but I will greive, ache and cry.
In this phase of my life, in this brokenness, in this extreme neediness, in this heartache... I will unintentionally burst bubbles. Not out of meanness, but out of my genuineness in living. Therefore, as I burst bubbles of fake happiness around me; As I intrude into lil' held together happy domains with my tears; As I live genuinely where God has me at each moment, day by day... I will show forth my weakness, pain and brokenness. While I live through this heart ache and pain, I will be genuine to who I am, showing forth my need for a Savior to hold me together.
I will be the sandpaper, not to show forth myself. I'm not asking for sympathy, charity, fixing, or empathy. I'm asking you to look deeper...to open your eyes and see that there is more to this life than floating in your happiy ignorant bubble, above the reality of a broken and needy human race, before a compassionate and loving God. So watch out bubble floaters... your world is about to be rocked! Or should I say popped?!
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamitites. For when I am weak, then I am strong." - 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
Retinal Reflections
I sat in church Sunday... Communion was being served. Beautiful, worshipful music was coming from the piano. An amazing sermon was just preached and taken in regarding the huge heart of God to forgive us our sins. I sat in awe. I sat aware of how small I really am. I sat with my heart heavy and eyes opened to my sin-fullness. I sat knowing myself well enough to know I don't love the Lord as He deserves. I sat knowing my independent, rebellious heart. I sat full of guilt. I sat staring at the huge wooden cross which hangs in the front of our Church. With tears flowing down my face, I sat and stared at the cross of Christ, where my forgiveness and key to life lies. I closed my eyes... praying the Lord would forgive me for my innate tendencies to run from Him.
As I closed my eyes, I could still see the cross. I had stared at it for just long enough for it's image to burn in my retina. I sat looking at the reflection of the cross in my closed eyes... and prayed Lord keep me here, at Your Cross, always seeing it before me!? Please keep me here?! Hold me here?! As I prayed the retinal burned reflection of the cross I was seeing faded away slowly. Therefore, I had to open my eyes to look on the cross again.
It was a great imagery for me, for my heart. If/when I look upon the Cross of Christ for any length of time, then even when I look away I can still see Him for a time. But in my sinfully deceitful wicked heart I can't keep Him there in the forefront of my mind and heart. I stray... way too easily I stray. Trials and tribulations come, life happens, I close my eyes in fear, or run the other way in survival mode and the Cross fades, and I keep going, making my own way. When I don't see it anymore in my line of sight, I think He has left, He's gone, left me here, alone.
If only I would open my eyes again to gaze upon His Cross. He's always here. In one act of rebellion I simply close my eyes to Him. I might not run every time, although it's more often than I like, but nonetheless I willingly close my eyes to Him and it doesn't take too long to forget Him. Sad but true...
What a good reminder to turn my eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face... and the things of Earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace.
Jesus, I believe, help my unbelief?! And keep my focus and gaze upone You alone!?
As I closed my eyes, I could still see the cross. I had stared at it for just long enough for it's image to burn in my retina. I sat looking at the reflection of the cross in my closed eyes... and prayed Lord keep me here, at Your Cross, always seeing it before me!? Please keep me here?! Hold me here?! As I prayed the retinal burned reflection of the cross I was seeing faded away slowly. Therefore, I had to open my eyes to look on the cross again.
It was a great imagery for me, for my heart. If/when I look upon the Cross of Christ for any length of time, then even when I look away I can still see Him for a time. But in my sinfully deceitful wicked heart I can't keep Him there in the forefront of my mind and heart. I stray... way too easily I stray. Trials and tribulations come, life happens, I close my eyes in fear, or run the other way in survival mode and the Cross fades, and I keep going, making my own way. When I don't see it anymore in my line of sight, I think He has left, He's gone, left me here, alone.
If only I would open my eyes again to gaze upon His Cross. He's always here. In one act of rebellion I simply close my eyes to Him. I might not run every time, although it's more often than I like, but nonetheless I willingly close my eyes to Him and it doesn't take too long to forget Him. Sad but true...
What a good reminder to turn my eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face... and the things of Earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace.
Jesus, I believe, help my unbelief?! And keep my focus and gaze upone You alone!?
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