I just started reading through a devotional book called - Whiter Than Snow, Meditations on Sin and Mercy, by: Paul David Tripp. It's a devotional based on Psalm 51- David's prayer of confession after being convicted of his sins of adultery and murder. The author says, "Psalm 51 is like a piece of sheet music. This devotional book is not to attempt to help you understand each note on the page. This book is more like jazz." I love that! He suggests that one meditation be studied per week...haha! There is a reason for that... they're profound & deep! :)
"Have mercy on me, O God, according to your steadfast love; according to your abundant mercy blot out my transgressions."
What struck my heart is that there is no way I can begin to see my sin if there is self-righteousness clouding my eyes. So many times, whether it's in an argument or just daily routine, I think I have done absolutely nothing wrong. I usually try to find how it is another person's fault instead of mine. Pride clouds my vision and sometimes, honestly, it takes the Lord a while to break me of sin in my heart. Sometimes I see my sin quickly and other times, it's like I am the most thick headed, stubborn Israelite child on the face of this earth!
Tripp says, "It's not just your sin that separates you from God; your righteousness does as well." That sunk in this thick head! It's so sad how I try to cover up my ingrained sin with self righteousness. I think to some degree we all do it. We either hide or blame our sin on someone else...it's natural human instinct tracing all the way back to our good 'ol parents, Adam and Eve. I mean covering over sin with self righteousness doesn't REALLY get rid of the sin, it just makes me seem like a more attractive sinner. Although I have noticed that living in a self righteous state of denial only leads to a much harder fall when I sin again (and it always happens!) realizing once again that I can't be perfect. It's not such a devastating blow if my sin is ever before me, and I remain humbled by it.
I think it was my pastor that said recently, we are all dead in our sins, those who try to be self righteous are just trying to be more attractive dead people, but still dead nonetheless. It rung so true in my heart! It's the sickness I struggle with everyday. We were created in the garden of Eden for perfection, to walk with God daily, to be perfectly holy as God is, right? But instead I am held captive by this dead body that is tainted with sin in every fiber of my being. I can't escape it, I can't shake it off, I can't get rid of it, I can't hide it, I can't make it right. I guess sometimes, when I do see my sins, the enormous amount and depth of them, it's overwhelming. But what do I do with my overwhelmedness?! I usually don't take it to my Father, instead I try to hide it under self righteousness, or blame it on someone else. When in reality all I have to do is confess...why do I make it so stinkin hard!?!
I can go to the Lord, not arguing my self righteous goodness (which He can see through anyways!) but confessing that I've blown it again, screwed up again, fallen short again, missed the mark again, disobeyed again, and sinned against Him again.
Isn't this what He wants! Jesus came to seek and save the tired, sick, hopeless and lost sinner! The healthy don't need a doctor, the satisfied don't need hope, the attractive fakers don't need help, the righteous don't need a Savior.
The Father stood in anticipation, watching, waiting for His lost prodigal sinful son to return. Why can't I just return and confess? Why is it so hard for me to accept who and what I am before God? He does!!! Why can't I?! He sent His own Son to die for me! He make me acceptable, gives me freedom to come to Him daily in broken, humble confession, without fear of His wrath, without fear of punishment, without fear of being shamed. Jesus' blood covers every sinful fiber of me!!! What am I waiting for?!
Ugh, the frustration of being a thick headed, elder brother, stiff necked, dense, rebellious, lil Israelite child!!!
"Mercy, mercy me!"
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