Open, Broken Honesty

This week I have been reminded, yet again, how extremely vital it is to live an open life. For 24 long years I only lived an outside facade of what I knew a Christian 'should' look like. Where did I come up with that crap anyways?!?!?! I knew the right things to say, do, how to act in order to be accepted in the Christian community as a devout believer. ha! And although this might crush some toes... sadly, it worked for all those years! Honestly, in a lot of Christian circles, anything less than the polished, perfect Christian look is not accepted and not tolerated either. How screwed up is that?!
That is just sad/frustrating & somewhat funny to me now, because while I was presenting that polished, have it all together, outward veneer, the inside was steady throwing a tantrum, screaming ugly ugly words, and rebelling against 'the look' that I was putting forward. "This is not who I am!!!" is what I was screaming from the inside and would eventually show it outwardly. But for the longest time I just simply didn't listen to all that went on in my heart, because what's in there, well honestly, just wouldn't conform to my polished have it all together Christian look. I have realized over the past year that holding together that outward facade is so tiresome! I am exhausted, which naturally makes a huge crack in the veneer, because I can't do it anymore.... praise God!
I still at times, out of fear, revert back to trying to hold up that facade... but I am seriously praising God that it i so much harder to attempt these days. I don't even have the energy to try and put it up anymore, and I suck at it now, which is such a good thing! ha! So most of the time these days, what ya see is what ya get! :)
So I was thinking of the contrast in the two the other day and the effects they have on me. As I strive to live an open, broken, honest life, fighting to be who I am, a sinner, right where I am in life, in my walk with God, in my day to day struggles...I can see the blessings/curses of the two types of life. This is not the Gospel by any means, but it sure is making an enormous difference in my life! Here are just a few...

Polished Facade:
1. extremely tiring
2. hypocritical, fake, not real, b/c I was trying to be someone I was not
3. self righteous, b/c I think I'm doing a pretty good job of having life together, hahaha! That's just funny!
4. sets me up above others & makes me unapproachable
5. idolatrous - sets myself up as my own God in my mind, striving to be something I can never be, for my own glory
6. makes others feel unworthy and sinful, imagine that?! as if I am any different!
7. shows off me only
8. takes constant effort to keep together, because my sin & brokenness always find a way to leak out
9. hinders my walk with God - how do I expect to be myself with God when I can't even do it with other humans!
10. always a failure - b/c there is no way to live up to the perfect polished standard look of Christianity that I had set before me and others

Open, Broken Honesty:
1. life giving and freeing
2. actually feel love from others, b/c people are truly seeing who I really am. They are not loving my facade, but instead seeing me and if they too are honest believers, then they will be able to love me, faults and all
3. honest/truthful - I don't have to worry about getting caught doing something sinful, b/c everyone can see that I already am! haha!
4. opens me up for relationships - b/c I am honest about my brokenness, others feel comfortable around me being the sinners that they are too.
5. shows forth my weaknesses, in order to show off God. How can others see God if they can't see past my own self-proclaimed perfectness? If others can easily see my sin, they are more likely to see past me to the grace/love of God that keeps me going.
6. brings a lot more joy in life, being able to accept myself for who I am.
7. keeps me real before the throne of God, b/c I'm not pretending to be better than what I am, as if He falls for that mess anyways!!! ha!
8. gives the ability to accept others where they are, b/c I see I'm not perfect either
9. have a lot more free time - time to actually live & enjoy life, instead of fretting hours over how I am appearing to live
10. keeps me humble before the Lord in my true state of brokenness, but yet accepted by Him at the same time.

Now I know this really sounds like I know what I'm talking about, and have this open, broken honesty thing all worked out! Haha! I so don't! I struggled with it just this past week. But this is the first time I have been able to see how it works for good in my life. I have seen fruit from being open and honest, and have been used in the lives of others. Yeah, I know! shocked me too! So obviously it wasn't me, it was the Lord's love and grace flowing through a broken vessel.
How do I get these crazy things all messed up in my head and heart?!
My word, I have a long long long ways to go... praise Jesus for His patience and long suffering abounding love to this mess of a glorious sinner!