The LORD has been convicting me for a while now, and something in me tells me He is not finished yet... of a deadly little, soul snatching lie I've bought into. A smaller version, but the same lie nonetheless of the health, wealth and prosperity gospel. A little 'g' on purpose because it really is not the true Gospel in any stretch of the imagination. I knew it wasn't, have known for a long time especially growing up Presbyterian. We (haha) just don't fall for that blatent lie stuff...the big, ugly, glaring, bold lies from TV pulpits, the promises of blessings, because that is what God wants for His children, only the best! We stand in awe as 16,000 member congregations sucker into the lie of have enough faith, then God will open heaven's doors and shower health, wealth, favor, and endless happy blessings. Just believe and it will be yours.
Well, honestly, I guess I have to admit I'm a sucker... No, I don't fall for the obvious blatant lies of TV pastors, but then again, I don't need to! I am perfectly capable of making up my own! I am seeing more and more that we all are suckers for the health, wealth, and prosperity lie. We all fall prey to it at some level, no matter what denomination we are from!
Let me give you a little example from my life, and see if you haven't fallen for a lesser, but much more dangerous lie as well. For a while I walked day to day with God. I thought I was in it for the relationship with Him. I needed Him...I thought that was my only underlying desire, just to love Him, obey Him, please Him... to glorify Him and enjoy Him forever. HaHa! Yeh right!! And then it happens...one day the bottom falls out of life and it goes sour. My comfortable, happy dreamy world is shattered to a bazillion pieces. It happens to all of us...it may not be all at once, or out of the blue, it may be a more gradual thing, but it happens- and if it doesn't, well then THAT is so not normal, and you may want to check your pulse to make sure you are really alive!
For me, one day at a time, gradually, over about a two year period life has gone sour...I wake up and family is far off, I love kids that are starving, high and abused, I'm jobless, friends hurt me, dreams aren't coming true, relationships are not what they're cracked up to be, I'm sinning and can't seem to stop, trouble comes, time flies by, trials press in and don't pass quickly, past situations haunt me daily, the waves crash one right after another...and do you know what my 1st question is!?! God, what happened? Where are you? Why are you allowing these things? Why won't you help me, protect me, deliver me? What have I done wrong? Why have you taken away your blessings? Why?
Hello?!?!?!?! Can you see it?! Me and God are fine when life is good, when He's seemingly blessing me. Our 'relationship' is great until something goes wrong, and then I question Him. I'm sitting here wondering how I got here, when did the lie slip in? How did I fall for it?
My view of life is so twisted, and all around a lie, a lie that if I'm walking with God then life is going to be comfortable, not too many heart aches, not too much suffering. Oh, I know somewhere in the deep recesses of my heart that suffering will come, but I bristle at the thought of it. I do everything I can to keep suffering away, to keep from hurting, to protect myself from pain. In the past I've even stepped up my 'spiritual disciplines' thinking that will hedge off any trials, pain, or hurt. I mean if I'm doing what God requires, then won't He in return bless me? When that didn't work I blocked out pain, distanced myself, and shut off my heart, so life couldn't hurt me as much. Where do I get this BS from?!?!?! If I start my day off every day reading the Bible, then peace will will transcend ALL day. If I serve enough in Church then God will bless my efforts and I'll see fruit. If I die to self and desires and only want Him then when I don't get what I want, it won't hurt so much, He'll be enough. If I pray daily then He will give me the desires of my heart. Can you see the lil lies...although not as big and bold as the TV preacher's, but in reality they are deadlier, because they are small enough to go undetected in my heart.
I find myself wondering do I really love God at all? Have I ever loved God just for Himself, just for who He is, or do I love Him for what He can do for me? Do I love Him on conditions of my life working out the way I want it to? I think in some sense we all do, to some degree.
I am finishing the book Shattered Dreams by Dr. Larry Crabb... it's convicting me, it's showing me just how shallow I am, and it's showing me just how evilly (ha! new word) deceitful my love for God is. I mean seriously, God never promised me comfort, He never promised to fulfill all my hopes, dreams and expectations in life. I've never read in the Bible the promise of no pain, frustration, heart ache, hurt, disappointment in this life.
I think living in America aids this lie in my heart, because basically you can get what you want, when you want it, and there really isn't much need. Pain from unfulfilled dreams aren't felt, well because basically dreams can be bought to some degree. Americans really don't need for much of anything, especially God. Who needs God when you can be your own from day to day!?!
So is my suffering in this land of plenty really a curse? Is my heart ache really God not blessing me? Or is He allowing me to hurt, bringing trials, needs, disappointments, in order for me to feel the pain of this world, and to feel the hurt of this world not being able to satisfy me? Is He exposing fears, desires, unmet needs through pain, that I normally wouldn't feel if I had every comfort my heart wanted?! What really is a blessing in this life? Is it only what makes me feel good at this point in time? Is a blessing from God what immediately relieves my heartache right now? Is a blessing something happy that dulls the deep ache in my heart of pain that I cannot stop? Seriously, how did my view of blessings, and God's goodness get so messed up?!
Can God be good as I go through horribly bad things at the same time? Can this life suck and yet somehow I have hope that there is joy that can be felt right now? Can He be trusted when in all reality He is not safe? Can my heart love, when He feels so distant and uncaring at times? When everything is stripped away, do I blame Him, or does it show me that honestly He is the only reason to live this life anyways? When all comfort is gone and all dreams are shattered where is He?...do I put Him on trial and throw all my 'spiritualness' at Him and ask Him why He's not doing His job? What is His job? I'm starting to see that it is NEVER just to give me comfort...NEVER just to fulfill my dreams...NEVER just to provide in such a way that I never need for anything...and certainly NEVER to make life so easy that I never hurt.
So what!?!? Where does my heart go in the midst of such lies, shattered dreams, pain, and hurt? My Sunday School answer is God. But is that what I really do...Do I turn to God alone...not so He'll bless me... but hopefully one day I will turn to Him, not in anger, not with blame, not with a doubt in my heart of His goodness and love. One day I hope to turn to Him and cry out for Him, Him alone, nothing else... no other blessing, only Him... and the gut wrenching deep heart satisfaciton of knowing in the midst of pain and suffering that I am His child, seeing His true heart for me, the redeeming personal love that breaks with my heart and uses it all to bring me running to Him.
This one book has rocked my world and really, my view of the whole Christian life, God, blessings, curses, life in general!
Where do I go from here, I don't know yet... I'm honestly still in the thick of it all...
but it sure is a lil, under the radar lie, that's worth thinking about and sifting through!
One day I hope I will be able to see that He is worth it all!
O God, help my unbelief!?!
I'm so behind on reading my friends' blogs. Sorry it took so long to get to this one. What heartfelt and genuine words. I'm so glad you've happened upon such helpful teaching. It's a sign of God's love for you that you're going through all this. (Heb. 12 kept coming to mind as I read your words.) He doesn't want you living and believing the American lie (though it's not just America - read Job's friends sometime. Those ideas have been around a long time.) Also, under the Mosaic Covenant, they were promised earthly blessing in exchange for their obedience - but how well did that work out for them? They couldn't do it. So now Christ has come and set the example of perfection through humility and suffering.
ReplyDeleteLindsey, I hope you don't think I'm preaching at you here. I'm preaching at me! I know just how you feel. I used to be a part of the Word of Faith movement and it destroyed me - until the Gospel came and I was saved, although many years later. And the legalism that false gospel taught me has been a very tough weed to uproot. I still struggle with it, a lot.
Thanks for sharing so openly. You've encouraged me.