The Hell of Mercy

"Hell is the enjoyment of our own way forever." - Dorothy Sayers
"Oh! His grace and goodness toward us is so immeasurably great, that without great assaults and trials it cannot be understood." - Martin Luther
Where I am in the midst of all this... Shattered Dreams, pg. 142-143
"My pain is legitimate. I'm discovering the part of my soul that longs for what this world will never provide. My integrity has burdened me with the severe mercy of realizing that nothing in this world provides true joy.
I've come to a fork in the road. One path beckons me with the promise that life can work well, and God exists to see to it that things go well enough for me to feel pretty good.
The other path, the narrow one that I have never chosen before, invites me to live in a disappointing world where good dreams will shatter and I will sometimes feel empty and alone, sometimes so empty and alone that it will seem like death. But this path promises the eventual discovery of a consuming desire within me for God and, far better, the thrilling discovery of His consuming desire to be intimate wtih me.
After many dark night, I will taste the joy of that intimacy. I will not be able to describe it, but I will feel alive, hopeful, solid, even in the middle of continued anguish over hard circumstances.
I need to abandon myself to God, even though He seems cruelly unresponsive and callously indifferent. I am tempted to manage life on my own, to do whatever I can to feel better.
But I need only to be quiet, so I can hear both His voice and mine leading me to the narrow path."
But right now...I'm in the "hell of mercy, a kind of present purgatory. Shattered dreams subject me to a pain that is weakening my stubborn grip on life as I want it and is stirring my appetite for the thrill of God's Presence.