Broken - Down House

Shards of window glass

shimmer in

weed-strewn sod.

Roof shingles clap

with the wind,

a spontaneous ovation

for the dwelling

that once was.

With creaking voices

dark halls repeat

long-gone conversations.

Too much decay

too much damage

violent elements

have disrespected

the Carpenter's dream.

the sagging-porch frown

tells a painful story

of beauty shattered.

All that's left

is a

broken-down house.

- Paul David Tripp

Realistic Love

"There is tremendous relief
in knowing that His love to me
is utterly realistic,
based at every point
on prior knowledge
of the worst about me,
so that no discovery now
can disillusion Him about me,
in the way I am so often
disillusioned about myself,
and quench His determination
to bless me." - J.I. Packer from Knowing God

~ and this is precisely why He has not flicked me out of His kingdom and continues to bless me with His mercy and grace from day to day through this journey.

A Lie Through The Peephole

Yesterday could best be described as a tiny crack in a steel vaulted door. The door had been slammed shut, deadbolted, double and triple bolted for a while. It's amazing how easy it is to immediately revert back to "what's comfortable", "what's known", "what's routinely normal".
I am no different from others; maybe experienced a lil more pain than your average American, but I think it just comes in different forms in others' lives. But how others experience pain is not on my radar grid right now, because I feel like I've got enough to overflow & share with 4-5 other people. Everyone goes through it, and everyone deals with it in one way or another. Me? I shut down, shut out, and bolt the vaulted door behind me.
Yesterday's crack in the door is a result of a faulty peephole. In the past, after I would slam my big ass steel door in God's face, I would, after a long period of time, timidly tiptoe over and quietly peer through the peephole to catch a glimpse of Him on the other side. And trust me, what I've seen through that tiny peeophole all these years, is not pretty; and I'm realizing that it's been a lie all this time. This lie and distortion of God has manipulated and scared me into unlocking and opening the door again; because what I saw was a distant, demanding, quick-tempered God who was angrily ready to punish me and threatened to quickly flick me out of His kingdom in disgust and impatience. Imagine seeing that through a tiny peephole! You wouldn't open the door either?!?!
Today I can say this lie is slowly beginning to diffuse a little as I realize one simple fact -the passing of time: my door had been shut to God for years now, and to this day, after all of this time, He still hasn't flicked me out of His kingdom! I mean, come on?!...if anyone was going to "lose their salvation because of choosing & rebelling against God", trust me, I would've lost it already! And since years have passed and my worst fear hasn't happened, I'm starting to think that maybe I've fallen for the lie through the peephole.
Now after identifying the lie through my peephole, I've come to a first in my life. For the first time in my life I want to unbolt and crack the door, not out of fear, but out of curiosity to see what's really truly on the other side.
Now the WHOA factor throughout this story is God's timing. So Tuesday, on the very day that I tiptoed to the door, slowly cracked it and peeked through to the other side; I caught a glimpse of a gift. Now before you think I'm losing it, of course, I'm the one that bought the new camera and lens, haha! But what baffles me is the timing of it all...me beginning to realize the lie through the peephole, my desire to see the truth on the other side, me barely cracking the door, my new camera that just happened to arrive the same day, and everything else that wraps into the culmination of that door cracking open. Don't you think the true God on the other side knows who is peering through the crack? He obviously know that photography is one of my greatest joys right now?! I gotta give Him credit, He knows how to speak love to my shut down heart in a way that draws me out, in a way that helps me feel joy and excitement, when I am constantly surrounded by pain and hurt. His timing amazes me, as He has led me to this point, with everything that entails. I'm amazed that even in my angre, He still shows mercy to me. I'm shocked at what I've seen on the other side, through the crack in the door of my heart. Is He really that loving, intimately detailed, patient, kind and caring?! With the evidence before me, I'm ashamed to say that my heart still fears and doubts; images of that lingering lie through the peephole remains, and I want with everything in me to shut the door again... but I'm fighting to keep it cracked, just cracked for now...and hoping against all hope that God will heal my heart, soften it towards Him and His ways and help my unbelief. Oh God have mercy on me, a wretch of a sinner!

God's Heart 4 You

“It probably isn’t as important to say ‘you need a heart for God’ as it is to say ‘you need to know God’s heart for you’. The gospel isn’t about your goodness or your work, it’s about Christ’s goodness and work for you”. Steve Brown

Ugh, I in my sinfulness am so thick headed! sink in.....sink in.....sink in.....please sink in?!?!

Act v. Intention

This is a thought I have been rollin around in my head and heart for a couple days. We discussed this Wednesday, and I'm still discussing it with myself...which results in ramblings such as these. This one being about God, His sovereignty, and His goodness, which I'm certain has rolled around like a fad on my blog, it comes and goes and comes and goes again....
Now I, being reformed, believe in God's sovereignty to a fault. I know that I know that I know that God sovereignly ordains all things. He operates on Plan A, there is never a back up Plan B. He is never passive in the order, direction, and happenings of His universe. He is control of all things, even the hearts of sinners, of which I am.
God's sovereignty to me means whatever happens; whether it be trials, testings, blessings, losses, whatever may come... I truly believe without a shadow of a doubt that everything can be traced back to the finger of God. A single leaf doesn't blow in the wind without it being moved by God Himself. My heart's every beat is a gift and is ordained by God. He is sovereign, in control, and ordains every single thing in this universe that is His.
Of course there is also free will, in which the mixture of the two is completely gray to me, so I won't even go there.....
So my fault in knowing what I know that I know (ha!): how do I reconcile God's sovereign hand and evil in this world with His goodness. How do the children in the Philippines starve daily under God's sovereignty and that still be considered good? How do hurtful things happen in my life, at the hands of other people, and ultimatley ordained by the hand of God, and yet He still remain good? How do I (a meaning-maker human) find the good meaning in past hurts that just don't seem to be good in any way?
Don't get me wrong. I know God is the same yesterday, today, and forever. So don't label this as blasphemy just yet. I'm realizing it's not God whose in question here...it's me, it's my sinful heart and mind that can't wrap around the question I have of God's goodness.
So on Wednesday, a very wise elder, brought to light that (I hope I get this right) there is a distince difference in an act versus the intentions of the act. For example, the act of Joseph being sold into slavery, put into prison, etc...the act itself which was physically carried out at the hands of his own brothers, with evil intentions... the same act which was carried out by his brothers, God sovereignly ordained and intended for good. Now if I could consciously separate the act from the intentions, it would put God's goodness and purposes into a much clearer light, because God never purposes evil for His children. He even never tempts His children to evil. His plan is always goodness, no matter how the act may seem from this side of heaven.
God is not able to tempt us, as His children, He is not even tempted to tempt us because He is good, perfect, holy, loving, and righteous at all times. He does test His children, but there again the act must be separated from the intentions, because it could be an evil act, done by a sinner with evil intentions, but the same act ordained by God out of love and with good intentions, to produce character, perseverance, deeper faith, more love for Him. So in these difficult acts/testings I am tempted by my own evil desires... so in an act of testing, I am not tempted by God to sin, be angry with Him, those are my own evil desires, He means the act only for good, but my sinful heart possibly wanting "what I want", sins against Him when His testings get in the way of what I want... His intention-good, my desires-evil. Whoa! that is a mouthful for sure!
So.... in essence, it's me, it's my untrusting heart full of evil desires, it's my fallible sinful mind that just can't reconcile the evil in this world with the goodness of God....WHEW! Deep stuff...
All I can say is God, please please please, give me the wisdom and grace to trust You & Your goodness in ALL things.