Some days it's so easy for me to get bogged down in my sins, failures, evil deeds, thoughts, and the list goes on and on and on. And then some days I get so wrapped up in my own lil universe that I don't give one single thought to my sin before my Holy Almighty God.
When I get in a rut of accusations and overwhelming guilt from my repeated, daily, horrid sins, there is only one answer to bring me out of it. And when I get so self involved and puffed up in my pride and "my" life there is only one answer to bring me back down to size.
Jesus!
The free grace that God offers me in His Son is undeniable. There is no way to get too puffed up in myself, because He brings me right back to remember who made me, created me from before time, loved me before I loved Him, and sent His only Son to die for me, to take the wrath that I deserve daily.
And when I get stuck and caught in the rut of beating myself up for the sins that I do over and over again sometimes without any thought... when I get caught up in trying trying trying to be better, trying to work my way to good... I only get so far until the free grace that God offers me in His Son brings such rest and relief.
I have heard it said that the walk with God is just like breathing. He has offered me the free gift of eternal life with Him! He has given me life in His Son. All of which would not be possible had He not freed me from the sin and death that I was living in. All He requires from me daily is faith and repentance.
They go hand in hand. You can't have one without the other. Our faith is not what saves us. My faith sometimes is so weak and faltering; if that was the basis of my salvation I would be up a creek, or down the lake of fire to hell. And repentence for our sin won't save us either. He does require those two things to walk daily with Him in a vital growing relationship, but at the same time those things are not what brings us to salvation. It is only Jesus, Him alone, He is the way, the truth, and the life, none come to the Father but through Him.
As we go through life day to day we breathe... ha! Obviously! Well our walk with the Lord should be as constant and as vital as every single breath we take. After all He is the one that gives us each breath and holds us together in Him. So as we live and breathe and have our being in Him, our faith and repentance should go hand in hand just like our breath.
The past couple days the Lord has brought to mind the action of repenting and realizing the grace of God that covers my every sin.
As I let out one of those deep sighing breaths, I release and breathe out the sins that God has laid on my heart... as if committing them to Him, expelling them from deep within my heart where they reside. I let the breath out until I have absolutely no more left in me, and then I gasp in a deep, fresh, new breath, breathing in the grace of God that is overflowing at His thrown. His mercies are new every morning, so there is no chance of Him running out.
It seemed weird to me and a lil flippant at first. But the more I thought of what I was doing, the more vital it became. The Lord doesn't want me to punish myself for my sins, He already took that wrath on Himself. He also doesn't want me to go through the day without acknowledging Him and His lordship in my heart. If I acknowledge Him through out my day, I will constantly see how I fail Him over and over again, how I fall short of what He requires of me; perfection.
So it is very freeing to know that in Christ I have the ability to come to the throne of God with confidence and boldy approach Him there to ask for forgiveness, to lay my sins unashamed at His feet, because I stand righteous, covered in the blood of the Lamb!
Therefore as I live, move, and breathe daily it is a constant reminder of God's grace. God who created, loved, wooed, made alive, saved, rescued, redeemed, forgave, pardoned, justified, and has promised to carry me to completion.
Praise God for the breath of life that He has given me!
Praise His name for the free gift of grace that Jesus purchased for me at the cross!
Praise the LORD on high for His work in me that never leaves me to myself!
Praise God for the gift of a heart that is open to see my sin before Him, and to know His forgiveness!
Praise Yahweh that He is with me, in me, and keeps me walking in faith and repentance day to day.... breathing His life that He gave for me on the cross!
Friday, September 5, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Sin Huggers
As some of you might know Jerry Bridges recently came out with a book called Respectable Sins. If you are faint of heart and love yourself dearly then I suggest you don't read this book or this post for that matter. I haven't finished the book yet, as I had to stop half way through because of deep conviction. This book gets brutally honest about sins that we as Christians have labeled as respectable in our lives, well, because we are Christians and we can do that... yeh right?! WARNING: This book may cause severe damage to your self righteousness and Christian appearance! Read cautiously and at your own risk!
I was reminded of this book, and convicted that I needed to pick it back up again today. It is so easy to get blinded and desensitized to the sins in our lives, that we don't even recognize them as sins anymore. I think if we took a gut level reality check we could honestly call ourselves "sin huggers"! There are those who love nature and protect it at all cost, called "tree huggers" and there are some...well I don't know... but I think I, not just others, but I could be labeled as a sin hugger.
The thought of that is just repulsive!
I was thinking through this today, mulling over and digging, trying to unearth the sins that I commit that I have become so numb to. They are so buried that I am not even convicted anymore that they are wrong. That is where it begins... I sin, let's just say something happens and I shoot my mouth off and let words fly and cuss and carry on... which honestly, I do sometimes. So really I'm confessing here, and this is just one of many! (You can fill in your sin where I have mine named) If I feel the conviction of the Holy Spirit that what I have said/done is wrong and don't do anything about it, then I just brush that sin off like I'm saying, "It really isn't that bad to cuss, I just accidently let it slip... just one unclean word coming from my lips won't hurt anything." Hummm, when I give those excuses to other humans and to myself my sin doesn't sound so bad. I mean it is just a few bad words. But when I take those excuses, those brush offs and that sin and stand before a Holy and Just God... my excuses don't hold up.
I remembered today a mental picture that I was taught when I was younger. It really is kinda gross but very true. Our sins to us don't look so bad sometimes for the simple reason that we are used to them; but our sins held before God Almighty are like dung, yes, feces, or poopoo , booboo, whatever you would like to call it... anything we do that breaks His perfect laws are sins. Anything that we think, do, or say that displeases Him; all are considered sins. He can have nothing to do with sin. So when we sin, our sins are so detestable to God, that the only picture that does justice is that we have feces in our hearts and we are bringing it before God.
Now when we ignore the conviction of the Spirit, and become desensitized to our sins (to the feces in our hearts)... this is when we become sin huggers. When we become sin huggers, not only do we hold on to the feces of our sins, but we begin to store it in a pile and we keep adding to it, why? because honestly we love our sins, we love being in them, wallowing in them sometimes. (Yeh I know, gross!) We don't take it to God and let Him cleanse us, because we have become unaware of how detestable our sins are before God, so we see no need to do so. Therefore we stock pile our (feces) sins, we sculpt our fecal sin pile to make it look not so bad on the outside, we try to cover over the hideous smell (we can't smell it anymore because we are numb to it from wallowing in them so much, but others can), and then sometimes we even get to where we defend our fecal sins. We hug our pile of feces and we try to explain to the Lord, "it was just one cuss word, but this is what happened to make me cuss, it didn't change my heart, or how much I love you, I mean I am a sinner after all, it just slipped." That is when the line has been crossed and I have visibly, to the naked eye become a "sin hugger".
Oh yes, if you are like me then you can be a closet sin hugger! I was one for 24 years, and obviously still struggle with it to this day. And yeh, I'm preaching...to myself! There are so many sins that I commit that I don't even realize anymore, because I have excused them, defended them, and tucked them away deep in my heart for safe keeping. How do we get to this point? Ya know, I don't think it's a question of gettin there. I think we are all already there, and how do we get out of sin huggin! That is the question. We are all born sin huggers, it's not something that grows ON us like an interest, it's something that grows IN us like genetic weeds, there's nothing we can do about it; but I sure know the name of my Jesus who can do something about it.
He has cleansed me whiter than snow, He has washed me with His precious blood that He spilt on the cross just for me. Why on earth would I hold on to a big pile of stinkin poo sins, when He offers life, and life abundantly!? Why hug and hold on to sins that lead to death, when He offers eternal life, free grace, He offers Himself!
The sin huggin dung pile really doesn't seem so appealing anymore when I catch that glimpse of how awesome my Savior is! Praise His name that He will continue to give me that awe love-struckness for Him that will keep me from being a sin hugger!
I was reminded of this book, and convicted that I needed to pick it back up again today. It is so easy to get blinded and desensitized to the sins in our lives, that we don't even recognize them as sins anymore. I think if we took a gut level reality check we could honestly call ourselves "sin huggers"! There are those who love nature and protect it at all cost, called "tree huggers" and there are some...well I don't know... but I think I, not just others, but I could be labeled as a sin hugger.
The thought of that is just repulsive!
I was thinking through this today, mulling over and digging, trying to unearth the sins that I commit that I have become so numb to. They are so buried that I am not even convicted anymore that they are wrong. That is where it begins... I sin, let's just say something happens and I shoot my mouth off and let words fly and cuss and carry on... which honestly, I do sometimes. So really I'm confessing here, and this is just one of many! (You can fill in your sin where I have mine named) If I feel the conviction of the Holy Spirit that what I have said/done is wrong and don't do anything about it, then I just brush that sin off like I'm saying, "It really isn't that bad to cuss, I just accidently let it slip... just one unclean word coming from my lips won't hurt anything." Hummm, when I give those excuses to other humans and to myself my sin doesn't sound so bad. I mean it is just a few bad words. But when I take those excuses, those brush offs and that sin and stand before a Holy and Just God... my excuses don't hold up.
I remembered today a mental picture that I was taught when I was younger. It really is kinda gross but very true. Our sins to us don't look so bad sometimes for the simple reason that we are used to them; but our sins held before God Almighty are like dung, yes, feces, or poopoo , booboo, whatever you would like to call it... anything we do that breaks His perfect laws are sins. Anything that we think, do, or say that displeases Him; all are considered sins. He can have nothing to do with sin. So when we sin, our sins are so detestable to God, that the only picture that does justice is that we have feces in our hearts and we are bringing it before God.
Now when we ignore the conviction of the Spirit, and become desensitized to our sins (to the feces in our hearts)... this is when we become sin huggers. When we become sin huggers, not only do we hold on to the feces of our sins, but we begin to store it in a pile and we keep adding to it, why? because honestly we love our sins, we love being in them, wallowing in them sometimes. (Yeh I know, gross!) We don't take it to God and let Him cleanse us, because we have become unaware of how detestable our sins are before God, so we see no need to do so. Therefore we stock pile our (feces) sins, we sculpt our fecal sin pile to make it look not so bad on the outside, we try to cover over the hideous smell (we can't smell it anymore because we are numb to it from wallowing in them so much, but others can), and then sometimes we even get to where we defend our fecal sins. We hug our pile of feces and we try to explain to the Lord, "it was just one cuss word, but this is what happened to make me cuss, it didn't change my heart, or how much I love you, I mean I am a sinner after all, it just slipped." That is when the line has been crossed and I have visibly, to the naked eye become a "sin hugger".
Oh yes, if you are like me then you can be a closet sin hugger! I was one for 24 years, and obviously still struggle with it to this day. And yeh, I'm preaching...to myself! There are so many sins that I commit that I don't even realize anymore, because I have excused them, defended them, and tucked them away deep in my heart for safe keeping. How do we get to this point? Ya know, I don't think it's a question of gettin there. I think we are all already there, and how do we get out of sin huggin! That is the question. We are all born sin huggers, it's not something that grows ON us like an interest, it's something that grows IN us like genetic weeds, there's nothing we can do about it; but I sure know the name of my Jesus who can do something about it.
He has cleansed me whiter than snow, He has washed me with His precious blood that He spilt on the cross just for me. Why on earth would I hold on to a big pile of stinkin poo sins, when He offers life, and life abundantly!? Why hug and hold on to sins that lead to death, when He offers eternal life, free grace, He offers Himself!
The sin huggin dung pile really doesn't seem so appealing anymore when I catch that glimpse of how awesome my Savior is! Praise His name that He will continue to give me that awe love-struckness for Him that will keep me from being a sin hugger!
Monday, July 28, 2008
He Controls Everything?
Isn't it amazing to look back over your life and see how the Lord has been at work, how He uses everything for His good. It is overwhelming to me that He is so good, that He would even use my mistakes for His glory! He wastes nothing! As we go through this life day to day there are things we do and say and later regret. As I was talking with my best friend the other day, we both can look back and see our rebellion and mistakes. Although different from each other, it is rebellion all the same. And yes there are sometimes when we have to live with the consequences of our sins, but only so far as to open our eyes to the sin we are committing. Is it not wonderful that the Lord no longer punishes His children out of His anger and wrath!? He disciplines us as sons and daughters, because He loves us, but there is no longer that fear that we will be squashed like bugs because of our rebellion. Because in all brutal honesty, He squashed Jesus on the cross, so that He could look upon us with favor and grace.
I love the way our God does not waste anything. I love how my mistakes He uses now for His glory in my testimony and walk... How when I tell others of how the Lord rescued me from darkness, and how He saved me from the sin that I was so lost in... I can only boast of Him and His awesomeness; how He used all of my rebellion and sin for His glory! How it was nothing of me or from me that saved me. What an amazing God that can use even the worst of things that come out of my heart for His good.
That brings the question... if He can use everything to His glory, then that must mean that everything is in His sovereign control? I know, I know... us Presbyterians! We focus a lot on God's sovereignty... I know, I know...
But it can just be so obvious in daily life to see, and to miss it, well, would be a tragedy! Hey I rhymed! I mean to see how God works from the beginning of time, loving us and wooing us to Himself. To see even in Biblical days how He worked and orchestrated to bring about His good to His people. It's so cool to see how throughout history humanity has not shocked God off His throne, we have not stunned him with the hideous sins that we come up with or the rebellion that mocks Him. He is sooo good, so God, that He can use everything for His glory! No this doesn't mean that when we sin and mess up, God has to say, "uh oh! That Lindsey, she screwed it up again, now I have to alter my plans to fix her mess up, AGAIN!" No, He uses all of these things to bring us to righteousness, to become the reflection and image of His Son. He uses my weaknesses to boast His power. He uses my sin to remind me of the awesomeness of His salvation, that it never has depended on me! He uses my failures, my shortcomings, my sins, to point me to Him, always showing me my dependence, my need for my Savior! He even uses people and their thoughts, opinions, and judgments to show us that our God is the only one we should live for. He uses so many things in this life to point us to Him. There are so many things that we just fly by each day in the rush of life.
Hindsight for us is usually 20/20, but praise His Holy and Almighty Name that when we look in the past we can see who was, who is, and who is to come and HE is orchestrating our lives up to this very second! We look back and see so many things that we could have and should have done different, that we should have done right... and that should remind us that our lives will never be 20/20, never perfect, never exactly right... but He is in control of it all, our days, our moments, our hearts, and even our sins. He is the loving sovereign King of our hearts, and Loving Ruler of our lives. He is good in His sovereign control of everything!
I love the way our God does not waste anything. I love how my mistakes He uses now for His glory in my testimony and walk... How when I tell others of how the Lord rescued me from darkness, and how He saved me from the sin that I was so lost in... I can only boast of Him and His awesomeness; how He used all of my rebellion and sin for His glory! How it was nothing of me or from me that saved me. What an amazing God that can use even the worst of things that come out of my heart for His good.
That brings the question... if He can use everything to His glory, then that must mean that everything is in His sovereign control? I know, I know... us Presbyterians! We focus a lot on God's sovereignty... I know, I know...
But it can just be so obvious in daily life to see, and to miss it, well, would be a tragedy! Hey I rhymed! I mean to see how God works from the beginning of time, loving us and wooing us to Himself. To see even in Biblical days how He worked and orchestrated to bring about His good to His people. It's so cool to see how throughout history humanity has not shocked God off His throne, we have not stunned him with the hideous sins that we come up with or the rebellion that mocks Him. He is sooo good, so God, that He can use everything for His glory! No this doesn't mean that when we sin and mess up, God has to say, "uh oh! That Lindsey, she screwed it up again, now I have to alter my plans to fix her mess up, AGAIN!" No, He uses all of these things to bring us to righteousness, to become the reflection and image of His Son. He uses my weaknesses to boast His power. He uses my sin to remind me of the awesomeness of His salvation, that it never has depended on me! He uses my failures, my shortcomings, my sins, to point me to Him, always showing me my dependence, my need for my Savior! He even uses people and their thoughts, opinions, and judgments to show us that our God is the only one we should live for. He uses so many things in this life to point us to Him. There are so many things that we just fly by each day in the rush of life.
Hindsight for us is usually 20/20, but praise His Holy and Almighty Name that when we look in the past we can see who was, who is, and who is to come and HE is orchestrating our lives up to this very second! We look back and see so many things that we could have and should have done different, that we should have done right... and that should remind us that our lives will never be 20/20, never perfect, never exactly right... but He is in control of it all, our days, our moments, our hearts, and even our sins. He is the loving sovereign King of our hearts, and Loving Ruler of our lives. He is good in His sovereign control of everything!
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Joy....here?
Can joy be found on this earth? What brings us joy? Can situations and life circumstances bring us true, deep and everlasting joy that goes on through eternity?
The Lord gives and the Lord takes away... Blessed Be The Name Of The LORD! There seems to be a rhythm throughout all of life. The LORD!
Days come and go, the sun rises and falls, we meet people, talk to strangers, make someone smile. I play with my neice and nephew and enjoy sitting and talking with my brother and sister. I am at peace with family and enjoy being around them. I feel loved by my friends and family. I love to take pictures and paint, both gifts that the Lord Himself has blessed me with. I wake up, I go to work, I go home... and life continues another day.
Does the joy in this life come from this life? I'm not sure that it does. I know that the Lord has given me things that bring me joy, like my babies, my family and my friends. My job that the Lord has so graciously blessed me with. A house it seems that He has given me as a gift, a safe place, a refuge, a hiding place with Him. But all of these seem to fall short when it comes to speaking of having true, deep, everlasting joy.
They all seem to fall by the wayside as my soul continue to crave an all satisfying joy. All of these things on earth that tend to bring joy at times, I really do think are like sedatives. They numb me to the joy that is above. They deaden my desire for greater things - The joy that can only come from the perfect and merciful love of my Father. All of these things tend to clamor for my attention. They take up my day, and try to balloon and take presidence in my heart and mind. They do bring a type of joy... it's almost like a second rate joy. Like they are pleasures that the Lord has given us... but when they get to be so much, and so many, and out of perspective I guess in my heart, they become secondary pleasures that no longer point me to my God, but become idols themselves.
The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away, Blessed Be The Name Of The Lord! The LORD is the rhythm in that verse. Things come and go. He gives us blessings and yet sometimes He takes them away, but He will always remain. The things of this earth can't promise that. The blessings of this earth can't say, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." Houses will burn, cars will quit on us, family one day will die (as sad as that is), friends will come and go, some will stay for a lifetime, but nothing and no one can promise the true joy and happiness that the Lord offers.
How is it that I get so blind sided and suckered into thinking that these secondary pleasures are what makes me truly happy truly satisfied and joyful? Why do I settle for second best joys and pleasures, when the Lord God Almighty, the Prince of Peace, my Savior, Redeemer and Friend, Lover of my Soul offers me Himself - all of Him. He has given me all of Himself to abide in Him, to enjoy the endless wonders of His love and grace that never, never cease.
O LORD Jesus Christ have mercy on my soul, my prone to wander, settle for second best soul!
The Lord gives and the Lord takes away... Blessed Be The Name Of The LORD! There seems to be a rhythm throughout all of life. The LORD!
Days come and go, the sun rises and falls, we meet people, talk to strangers, make someone smile. I play with my neice and nephew and enjoy sitting and talking with my brother and sister. I am at peace with family and enjoy being around them. I feel loved by my friends and family. I love to take pictures and paint, both gifts that the Lord Himself has blessed me with. I wake up, I go to work, I go home... and life continues another day.
Does the joy in this life come from this life? I'm not sure that it does. I know that the Lord has given me things that bring me joy, like my babies, my family and my friends. My job that the Lord has so graciously blessed me with. A house it seems that He has given me as a gift, a safe place, a refuge, a hiding place with Him. But all of these seem to fall short when it comes to speaking of having true, deep, everlasting joy.
They all seem to fall by the wayside as my soul continue to crave an all satisfying joy. All of these things on earth that tend to bring joy at times, I really do think are like sedatives. They numb me to the joy that is above. They deaden my desire for greater things - The joy that can only come from the perfect and merciful love of my Father. All of these things tend to clamor for my attention. They take up my day, and try to balloon and take presidence in my heart and mind. They do bring a type of joy... it's almost like a second rate joy. Like they are pleasures that the Lord has given us... but when they get to be so much, and so many, and out of perspective I guess in my heart, they become secondary pleasures that no longer point me to my God, but become idols themselves.
The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away, Blessed Be The Name Of The Lord! The LORD is the rhythm in that verse. Things come and go. He gives us blessings and yet sometimes He takes them away, but He will always remain. The things of this earth can't promise that. The blessings of this earth can't say, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." Houses will burn, cars will quit on us, family one day will die (as sad as that is), friends will come and go, some will stay for a lifetime, but nothing and no one can promise the true joy and happiness that the Lord offers.
How is it that I get so blind sided and suckered into thinking that these secondary pleasures are what makes me truly happy truly satisfied and joyful? Why do I settle for second best joys and pleasures, when the Lord God Almighty, the Prince of Peace, my Savior, Redeemer and Friend, Lover of my Soul offers me Himself - all of Him. He has given me all of Himself to abide in Him, to enjoy the endless wonders of His love and grace that never, never cease.
O LORD Jesus Christ have mercy on my soul, my prone to wander, settle for second best soul!
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Fragrance or Stench
After an evening of fellowship with the women at the church I began my hour drive home. It was dark and the road was long. My heart was heavy after hearing a lady's testimony at church of how the Lord had worked in her heart over the past year to move her into a deeper relationship with Him. She spoke of how He had taught her to be still and listen to Him, to seek His face above all else, and to not just give Him the "scraps" of her day.
I felt convicted... the Ol' Holy Spirit was stirring in there deep down inside where a lot of times I don't like to look.
I knew that the Lord was speaking to me through her that night. I knew that my life had gotten so busy that I wouldn't be able to hear the Lord if He shouted from Mount Sinai at me!
Usually on the long drive home on Highway 16 I crank up my Hillsong praise music and listen to the praises of the Lord for an hour. But recently the praise songs had turned into noise. I wasn't singing them from the heart anymore, I was just using them to drown out the still small quiet conviction of the Lord. It never feels good to be convicted of being wrong, or doing something wrong, or even just not being in Him.
As humans we all find something to drown out His conviction and double edged sword that pierces, dividing bone and marrow, soul and heart. When a sword pierces I imagine pain... which is why most of us avoid it at all costs. We run from the pain that is really true healing when dealt with before the forgiving and gracious God that loves us like no other.
I began to pray... Lord please speak to me, please keep my aimlessly wandering mind focused on you. I turned my noise off and just rode on the dark highway in silence. All I could hear were the bazillion thoughts racing around in my head vying for my attention and the hum of my Honda.
Lord...please speak to me, please work in me, please move in my heart, Lord have I lost touch, have I grieved the Holy Spirit, Lord please show me that you are still with me, carrying me to completion as you promised.
Isn't it just like us... we are nothing but doubting Thomas'...always asking for signs, when He has given us the greatest sign of all - His precious one and only Son that He sent to save us from His wrath.
As I repeated those prayers over and over in my mind and heart I began to get discouraged. I don't know what I was looking for or what I wanted. But I knew I wanted Him there and I wanted His presence, I wanted to feel His presence. I know our faith is not based on feeling, but as a woman and a deep feeling one, I just guess I wanted to feel Him with me that night and hear Him speak to my soul.
As I got closer to Farmhaven I started smelling this horrible stench! I couldn't figure out what it was. It smelled like a cross of burnt chicken, horse and cow manure. It was the most foul thing I had smelled in a while, and it lasted for a good 15 minutes of my trip. It began to stick in my throat so I turned the air off, but it was too late, it had already infiltrated my car, and stuck in my nose and the back of my throat. I tried only breathing through my mouth, but I could even taste it the smell was so thick. Now I know, living out in the country you just smell these type of smells, but this was different! I had never smelled something so disgusting.
And then it hit me... He was speaking to me even through the horrid smell of burnt manure. The Scripture came to my mind that the Lord does not delight in burnt offerings, but a broken and contrite heart. The smell of burnt manure made me think of the Old Testament days when bazillions of animals were slaughtered to stay the wrath of the Lord from the Israelites. Then the Scripture came to my mind of how we are to be the fragrance of the Lord to those who are around us.
The Lord was speaking to my heart and convicting me just like I asked, no begged Him to. I got this goofy grin on my face right in the thick of the stench.
He was convicting me, probing my heart, peeling away hardened layers, and revealing tender soul underneath...
Am I a stench to the Lord? Is my busy life an offering that the Lord takes no delight in? Am I a sweet fragrance to those around me, to those that I come in contact with for even brief moments throughout my days? Does my life waft the sweet aroma of God's grace to those around me that don't know Him?
I got the sick feeling that all the answers to those questions were not in my favor of being a holy and righteous Christian! I had the sickening feeling that I had not been living as a sweet fragrance to the Lord or to others!
Oh the convicton of the Lord can be seen so differently: from trying to drown it out with praise song noise, to straining to hear Him in the deafening silence wanting to be convicted to know He is still there holding me by the right hand and leading me to glory.
Praise the Lord that even though my sinful heart is a stench to Him, He loves me in spite of me. Praise His holy Name that even when I am a foul horrid odor to those around me for Him, that He continues to work in me, carrying me on to completion, and continues to win souls for Himself.
Praise His holy Name for His mercy that never fails... His faithfulness that will continue to be new every morning! Praise God for showing me the stench that I am, so that I can see my desperate need for Him, so that He can be a sweet smelling fragrance in me!
I felt convicted... the Ol' Holy Spirit was stirring in there deep down inside where a lot of times I don't like to look.
I knew that the Lord was speaking to me through her that night. I knew that my life had gotten so busy that I wouldn't be able to hear the Lord if He shouted from Mount Sinai at me!
Usually on the long drive home on Highway 16 I crank up my Hillsong praise music and listen to the praises of the Lord for an hour. But recently the praise songs had turned into noise. I wasn't singing them from the heart anymore, I was just using them to drown out the still small quiet conviction of the Lord. It never feels good to be convicted of being wrong, or doing something wrong, or even just not being in Him.
As humans we all find something to drown out His conviction and double edged sword that pierces, dividing bone and marrow, soul and heart. When a sword pierces I imagine pain... which is why most of us avoid it at all costs. We run from the pain that is really true healing when dealt with before the forgiving and gracious God that loves us like no other.
I began to pray... Lord please speak to me, please keep my aimlessly wandering mind focused on you. I turned my noise off and just rode on the dark highway in silence. All I could hear were the bazillion thoughts racing around in my head vying for my attention and the hum of my Honda.
Lord...please speak to me, please work in me, please move in my heart, Lord have I lost touch, have I grieved the Holy Spirit, Lord please show me that you are still with me, carrying me to completion as you promised.
Isn't it just like us... we are nothing but doubting Thomas'...always asking for signs, when He has given us the greatest sign of all - His precious one and only Son that He sent to save us from His wrath.
As I repeated those prayers over and over in my mind and heart I began to get discouraged. I don't know what I was looking for or what I wanted. But I knew I wanted Him there and I wanted His presence, I wanted to feel His presence. I know our faith is not based on feeling, but as a woman and a deep feeling one, I just guess I wanted to feel Him with me that night and hear Him speak to my soul.
As I got closer to Farmhaven I started smelling this horrible stench! I couldn't figure out what it was. It smelled like a cross of burnt chicken, horse and cow manure. It was the most foul thing I had smelled in a while, and it lasted for a good 15 minutes of my trip. It began to stick in my throat so I turned the air off, but it was too late, it had already infiltrated my car, and stuck in my nose and the back of my throat. I tried only breathing through my mouth, but I could even taste it the smell was so thick. Now I know, living out in the country you just smell these type of smells, but this was different! I had never smelled something so disgusting.
And then it hit me... He was speaking to me even through the horrid smell of burnt manure. The Scripture came to my mind that the Lord does not delight in burnt offerings, but a broken and contrite heart. The smell of burnt manure made me think of the Old Testament days when bazillions of animals were slaughtered to stay the wrath of the Lord from the Israelites. Then the Scripture came to my mind of how we are to be the fragrance of the Lord to those who are around us.
The Lord was speaking to my heart and convicting me just like I asked, no begged Him to. I got this goofy grin on my face right in the thick of the stench.
He was convicting me, probing my heart, peeling away hardened layers, and revealing tender soul underneath...
Am I a stench to the Lord? Is my busy life an offering that the Lord takes no delight in? Am I a sweet fragrance to those around me, to those that I come in contact with for even brief moments throughout my days? Does my life waft the sweet aroma of God's grace to those around me that don't know Him?
I got the sick feeling that all the answers to those questions were not in my favor of being a holy and righteous Christian! I had the sickening feeling that I had not been living as a sweet fragrance to the Lord or to others!
Oh the convicton of the Lord can be seen so differently: from trying to drown it out with praise song noise, to straining to hear Him in the deafening silence wanting to be convicted to know He is still there holding me by the right hand and leading me to glory.
Praise the Lord that even though my sinful heart is a stench to Him, He loves me in spite of me. Praise His holy Name that even when I am a foul horrid odor to those around me for Him, that He continues to work in me, carrying me on to completion, and continues to win souls for Himself.
Praise His holy Name for His mercy that never fails... His faithfulness that will continue to be new every morning! Praise God for showing me the stench that I am, so that I can see my desperate need for Him, so that He can be a sweet smelling fragrance in me!
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