"One thing I know that I have found,
through all the troubles that surround,
You are the Rock that never fails,
You never fail.
One thing I know that I believe,
through every blessing I receive,
You are the only One that stays,
You always stay.
You never change,
You're still the same,
You are the Everlasting God.
You will remain,
after the day is gone and
things of Earth have passed.
Everlasting God!
One thing I know, that I have found
through all the troubles that surround,
You are the Rock that never fails,
You never fail.
You never change,
You're still the same
You are the Everlasting God.
You will remain,
after the day is gone
and things of Earth have passed.
Everlasting God!
Everlasting!
Everlasting!
Everlasting God!
You never change,
You're still the same
You are the Everlasting God.
You will remain,
after the day is gone
and things of Earth have passed.
Everlasting God!"
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Monday, March 7, 2011
Fight, Flight or Held
It's funny because I normally run from this kind of heart pain with everything I have in me! But I can't this time, because it effects those that I deeply love. It would mean running from them, and I can't do that.... I had the thought yesterday as I cried filming M~ sing, 'good God! LORD I sure hope you didn't do this just for my stubborn ass!' NO! He did not 'do this' just because of me. There is really no tellin what His plan is in this... but I do know He is using this horrific loss to break me, melt me, mold me, fill me and use me. How selfish can my heart get to think, 'is this really about me?!' No, Lindsey, ya dummy!, but at the same time He really is using it to force me to deal with Him face to face. Which is what I fight not to do soooo often! When it's my own heart pain, I run from Him like a whipped pup, but I can't run from this, from them, from Him. So it's like I'm calf roped and willingly (in a way) being held still, in the pain, because I won't turn my back on those that I deeply love and their pain, which therefore forces me to deal with mine.
So in a horrible way it's a wonderfully good blessing... ugh! that SUCKS!
It also hit me today that the Lord is strengthening me in my waiting... I've never been a patient waiter, especially when it comes to the Lord showing up on my behalf, because from many past heart hurts, life experience has ingrained in me that He won't show up, He's not faithful, and He won't come to my rescue...but recently my Pastor, Mike Campbell, preached the truth of God's love and faithfulness...even in dealing with this tragedy. M+ was a godly man, my Pastor deeply loved; And His truth in that sermon really is beginning to take hold.
Because, for the first time, in dealing with my pain, I am hoping that as I wait He will show up! I want Him too so much, but my past experiences and hurts and pains tell me He won't and I'm wasting my time, when I could make myself happy temporarily in the meantime by numbing and dulling the pain with my most tempting and effective addicting drug, the love of man. But I feel like for the first time, I'm helpless in my ability to run from Him. It's like He's got a death grip on me and is not letting me go PRAISE HIS NAME!!!!
Praise God in my most weak, ignorant times, I can now see Him holding me and giving me strength to stay, endure, fight and deal with HIM through the pain.
WOW!!!! Now that is Him at work, because if you know me...I tuck tail and haul ass when it comes to heart pain! If it's physical pain I can take it like a champ... but not heart pain! No way! No how! Nuh uh! No thank you Lord! ha!
He is working hard in keeping me at the foot of His Cross! Trust me, it's a full time job!
I can't help but share with you the precious Woman's Heart that the Lord is using in my life to draw me back to Himself. I know her as Mama J*. I sadly and with much hesitation introduce you to her as grieving Mama J*.
Although, such tragedy, pain, anguish, grief, loss, hurt and weakness can only boast in the Cross of the LORD! The Cross of Christ shines a bazillion times brighter in the darkness of love lost like hers! Thank you J* for sharing your precious heart and Savior with us!
I welcome you to follow her heart as well as mine, as the Lord works His grace and His purposes for good in the face of horrific pain in the lives of His children!
Psalm 73: 21-26
21 When my sould was embittered,
when I was pricked in heart,
22 I was brutish and ignorant;
I was like a beast toward you.
23 Nevertheless, I am continually with you;
you hold my right hand.
24 You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will receive me to glory.
25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire
besides you.
26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strenth of my heart
and my portion forever.
Held...at His feet, before His face, under His gaze.
So in a horrible way it's a wonderfully good blessing... ugh! that SUCKS!
It also hit me today that the Lord is strengthening me in my waiting... I've never been a patient waiter, especially when it comes to the Lord showing up on my behalf, because from many past heart hurts, life experience has ingrained in me that He won't show up, He's not faithful, and He won't come to my rescue...but recently my Pastor, Mike Campbell, preached the truth of God's love and faithfulness...even in dealing with this tragedy. M+ was a godly man, my Pastor deeply loved; And His truth in that sermon really is beginning to take hold.
Because, for the first time, in dealing with my pain, I am hoping that as I wait He will show up! I want Him too so much, but my past experiences and hurts and pains tell me He won't and I'm wasting my time, when I could make myself happy temporarily in the meantime by numbing and dulling the pain with my most tempting and effective addicting drug, the love of man. But I feel like for the first time, I'm helpless in my ability to run from Him. It's like He's got a death grip on me and is not letting me go PRAISE HIS NAME!!!!
Praise God in my most weak, ignorant times, I can now see Him holding me and giving me strength to stay, endure, fight and deal with HIM through the pain.
WOW!!!! Now that is Him at work, because if you know me...I tuck tail and haul ass when it comes to heart pain! If it's physical pain I can take it like a champ... but not heart pain! No way! No how! Nuh uh! No thank you Lord! ha!
He is working hard in keeping me at the foot of His Cross! Trust me, it's a full time job!
I can't help but share with you the precious Woman's Heart that the Lord is using in my life to draw me back to Himself. I know her as Mama J*. I sadly and with much hesitation introduce you to her as grieving Mama J*.
Although, such tragedy, pain, anguish, grief, loss, hurt and weakness can only boast in the Cross of the LORD! The Cross of Christ shines a bazillion times brighter in the darkness of love lost like hers! Thank you J* for sharing your precious heart and Savior with us!
I welcome you to follow her heart as well as mine, as the Lord works His grace and His purposes for good in the face of horrific pain in the lives of His children!
Psalm 73: 21-26
21 When my sould was embittered,
when I was pricked in heart,
22 I was brutish and ignorant;
I was like a beast toward you.
23 Nevertheless, I am continually with you;
you hold my right hand.
24 You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will receive me to glory.
25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire
besides you.
26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strenth of my heart
and my portion forever.
Held...at His feet, before His face, under His gaze.
Inspired by Love + Loss
My inspiration to begin journaling again is grief, loss and pain in this life. I'm learning it's a part of life, whether I like it or not. It comes whether I like it or not. It's here whether I try to deny it or accept it... and I'm beginning to grasp the tip of the ice berg that those difficult things in this life are good, productive and redeeming. Hard as hell, YES! Painful, YES! But in a paradoxical way, only in Jesus... good. Am I embracing these hardships joyfully, NO, NOT YET! Which brings me to my inspiration...
I've realized that when there is pain in my heart alone; when that pain effects only my heart...it's extremely easy for me to try to deny it, cover it over and ignore it for a while. I bury it deep, try not to deal with the pain and turn an angry, cold shoulder to my Savior. I know, sad, but it's the truth. Yet when it comes to the pain of my dearly loved family and friends... I can't escape it. I can't deny someone I love. So as I walk along side them in this difficult life it's as if their pain stabs me right in the heart. That pain then forces me, in a way, to gaze directly in the face of my Savior and deal with this pain in Him.
It began two weeks ago when a very precious family recently lost an amazing, vital heartbeat of their family. A sweet mother and friend lost her lover and husband. Three of my deeply loved friends lost an incredible father. My church family lost a godly man, worship leader and all around Christ-like example. And I lost an adopted father and wonderful godly example...
This I cannot deny, ignore... there is no rug big enough to brush this under!
Therefore, with my deeply loved family as inspiration, I am making a choice (or maybe the Lord made the choice for me) to keep my heart open to them, their pain, their love, their struggles, their grief and loss.
This also brings me to the pain, love, struggle, grief and loss in my own heart as I miss him deeply! This was a drop in the roller coaster that took my breath away and left me speechless before an all powerful God.
It's as if He has left the fold, searched me out, found me, coherced me to Himself, gently peeled back layers to my heart, broken my wayward legs and is carrying me back to the fold.
hahaha! Normally I would kick and scream and try running the other way, but my legs are crippled by the pain of loss and grief. I can't run, I can't hide, I can't deny... and in a pain filled way, don't want to.
So helplessly I am carried on His shoulders, along with my sweet precious family that He is carrying too. Praise His Name His shoulders are big enough for all His children!
Psalm 51: 1-8
1 Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your steadfast love;
according to your abundant mercy
blot out my transgressions.
2 Wash me thoroughly from my sin!
3 For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is ever before me.
4 Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you may be justified in your words
and blameless in your judgment.
5 Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,
and in sin did my mother conceive me.
6 Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being,
and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.
7 Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
8 Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones that you have broken rejoice.
God be glorified as I walk day to day before your face, struggling as you teach me wisdom, purging me with hyssop, washing me and infusing joy and gladness in my broken bones!
I love you... even though my heart wants to run from you in the pain!
I've realized that when there is pain in my heart alone; when that pain effects only my heart...it's extremely easy for me to try to deny it, cover it over and ignore it for a while. I bury it deep, try not to deal with the pain and turn an angry, cold shoulder to my Savior. I know, sad, but it's the truth. Yet when it comes to the pain of my dearly loved family and friends... I can't escape it. I can't deny someone I love. So as I walk along side them in this difficult life it's as if their pain stabs me right in the heart. That pain then forces me, in a way, to gaze directly in the face of my Savior and deal with this pain in Him.
It began two weeks ago when a very precious family recently lost an amazing, vital heartbeat of their family. A sweet mother and friend lost her lover and husband. Three of my deeply loved friends lost an incredible father. My church family lost a godly man, worship leader and all around Christ-like example. And I lost an adopted father and wonderful godly example...
This I cannot deny, ignore... there is no rug big enough to brush this under!
Therefore, with my deeply loved family as inspiration, I am making a choice (or maybe the Lord made the choice for me) to keep my heart open to them, their pain, their love, their struggles, their grief and loss.
This also brings me to the pain, love, struggle, grief and loss in my own heart as I miss him deeply! This was a drop in the roller coaster that took my breath away and left me speechless before an all powerful God.
It's as if He has left the fold, searched me out, found me, coherced me to Himself, gently peeled back layers to my heart, broken my wayward legs and is carrying me back to the fold.
hahaha! Normally I would kick and scream and try running the other way, but my legs are crippled by the pain of loss and grief. I can't run, I can't hide, I can't deny... and in a pain filled way, don't want to.
So helplessly I am carried on His shoulders, along with my sweet precious family that He is carrying too. Praise His Name His shoulders are big enough for all His children!
Psalm 51: 1-8
1 Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your steadfast love;
according to your abundant mercy
blot out my transgressions.
2 Wash me thoroughly from my sin!
3 For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is ever before me.
4 Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you may be justified in your words
and blameless in your judgment.
5 Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,
and in sin did my mother conceive me.
6 Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being,
and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.
7 Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
8 Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones that you have broken rejoice.
God be glorified as I walk day to day before your face, struggling as you teach me wisdom, purging me with hyssop, washing me and infusing joy and gladness in my broken bones!
I love you... even though my heart wants to run from you in the pain!
Seasons
Welp... I am back again. It seems as though I go through seasons of journaling in my life, or maybe it's seasons of hills and valleys as the Lord keeps me walking with Him.
Or maybe it's seasons of identity amnesia and not wanting to deal with how hard this life can be; let me rephrase that... how hard this life is.
A very sweet, deeply loved friend of mine has inspired me to start journaling again. Not so much for others, but really more for my heart, and if the Lord chooses to use it in others' lives then even better.
There are definitely seasons in life, ups... downs... round and rounds... I really envision it as a roller coaster sometimes. You never stay on the highs and there are always guaranteed lows, spins, twists and unexpected drops that leave you breathless.
The one blessing that I am finding on this roller coaster ride, FINALLY, is the LORD always remains, whether blessings come and go, whether joy or pain... the LORD remains the same!
Praise God for who He is!
So as I process, I pray He will get the glory from it all!
Or maybe it's seasons of identity amnesia and not wanting to deal with how hard this life can be; let me rephrase that... how hard this life is.
A very sweet, deeply loved friend of mine has inspired me to start journaling again. Not so much for others, but really more for my heart, and if the Lord chooses to use it in others' lives then even better.
There are definitely seasons in life, ups... downs... round and rounds... I really envision it as a roller coaster sometimes. You never stay on the highs and there are always guaranteed lows, spins, twists and unexpected drops that leave you breathless.
The one blessing that I am finding on this roller coaster ride, FINALLY, is the LORD always remains, whether blessings come and go, whether joy or pain... the LORD remains the same!
Praise God for who He is!
So as I process, I pray He will get the glory from it all!
Not Safe... but Good
“God promises us redemption, but His sacred path leads us away from safety, predictability, and comfort. Any attempt to fly over the dangerous terrain or make a detour to safer ground is doomed because it will not take us to God. Instead, it leads to a host of other idols that can’t provide us with the confidence of faith, the dynamic of hope or the passion of love we so deeply crave. Each day we either live for God or for other gods. In each moment of hardship we fear either God or man. When we choose to worship gods and fear men our lives will suffer an emptiness and turmoil that is not much different than trying to fill our bellies with dirt. At first we may feel full, but in short order our violation of God’s plan will lead to torment.”
-Dan Allender
-Dan Allender
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