I just started reading through a devotional book called - Whiter Than Snow, Meditations on Sin and Mercy, by: Paul David Tripp. It's a devotional based on Psalm 51- David's prayer of confession after being convicted of his sins of adultery and murder. The author says, "Psalm 51 is like a piece of sheet music. This devotional book is not to attempt to help you understand each note on the page. This book is more like jazz." I love that! He suggests that one meditation be studied per week...haha! There is a reason for that... they're profound & deep! :)
"Have mercy on me, O God, according to your steadfast love; according to your abundant mercy blot out my transgressions."
What struck my heart is that there is no way I can begin to see my sin if there is self-righteousness clouding my eyes. So many times, whether it's in an argument or just daily routine, I think I have done absolutely nothing wrong. I usually try to find how it is another person's fault instead of mine. Pride clouds my vision and sometimes, honestly, it takes the Lord a while to break me of sin in my heart. Sometimes I see my sin quickly and other times, it's like I am the most thick headed, stubborn Israelite child on the face of this earth!
Tripp says, "It's not just your sin that separates you from God; your righteousness does as well." That sunk in this thick head! It's so sad how I try to cover up my ingrained sin with self righteousness. I think to some degree we all do it. We either hide or blame our sin on someone else...it's natural human instinct tracing all the way back to our good 'ol parents, Adam and Eve. I mean covering over sin with self righteousness doesn't REALLY get rid of the sin, it just makes me seem like a more attractive sinner. Although I have noticed that living in a self righteous state of denial only leads to a much harder fall when I sin again (and it always happens!) realizing once again that I can't be perfect. It's not such a devastating blow if my sin is ever before me, and I remain humbled by it.
I think it was my pastor that said recently, we are all dead in our sins, those who try to be self righteous are just trying to be more attractive dead people, but still dead nonetheless. It rung so true in my heart! It's the sickness I struggle with everyday. We were created in the garden of Eden for perfection, to walk with God daily, to be perfectly holy as God is, right? But instead I am held captive by this dead body that is tainted with sin in every fiber of my being. I can't escape it, I can't shake it off, I can't get rid of it, I can't hide it, I can't make it right. I guess sometimes, when I do see my sins, the enormous amount and depth of them, it's overwhelming. But what do I do with my overwhelmedness?! I usually don't take it to my Father, instead I try to hide it under self righteousness, or blame it on someone else. When in reality all I have to do is confess...why do I make it so stinkin hard!?!
I can go to the Lord, not arguing my self righteous goodness (which He can see through anyways!) but confessing that I've blown it again, screwed up again, fallen short again, missed the mark again, disobeyed again, and sinned against Him again.
Isn't this what He wants! Jesus came to seek and save the tired, sick, hopeless and lost sinner! The healthy don't need a doctor, the satisfied don't need hope, the attractive fakers don't need help, the righteous don't need a Savior.
The Father stood in anticipation, watching, waiting for His lost prodigal sinful son to return. Why can't I just return and confess? Why is it so hard for me to accept who and what I am before God? He does!!! Why can't I?! He sent His own Son to die for me! He make me acceptable, gives me freedom to come to Him daily in broken, humble confession, without fear of His wrath, without fear of punishment, without fear of being shamed. Jesus' blood covers every sinful fiber of me!!! What am I waiting for?!
Ugh, the frustration of being a thick headed, elder brother, stiff necked, dense, rebellious, lil Israelite child!!!
"Mercy, mercy me!"
Friday, June 12, 2009
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Love, Really?
I was talking with a precious friend yesterday and several things clicked into place in my head. Finally some sense coming from somewhere in there!!! haha! It seems like I've had these thoughts run through my mind before, but I am just now slowing down long enough to process them, finally. We were talking about love, not friendly love, but love from a man. We were talking about what it means when someone says they are falling in love with you. How do you know if a man really loves you or not? What's the difference between true love vs. world love? Whew! It got deep! And what's a deep thought without a pic?! :)
Now before I even begin to put my thoughts down, I have to say, I feel like I only know what love is not. In fact sometimes I wonder if I am really the right one to be giving advice on this topic! How can I give wisdom when I only know what not to do?! Well this is where I cling to the promise that God wastes nothing! He is so big into redeeming things that He even uses my screw ups for His glory! Whew! Relief! Wipe my brow...I don't have to be perfect & have all the right answers! :)As I was sifting through my past experiences and thinking of what I've learned from 'love' in this life, some really profound things fell into place. It had to come from the Lord, because I just don't pop out with stuff like this. What exactly is love, really?! Be patient with me, I may ramble!
As I was processing my what not to do experiences I saw a pattern. In many of my past relationships I was trying to love the person to the Lord. Then it hit me like a 2x4, it NEVER worked! My missionary dating scheme always ended crashing and burning, usually resulting in sin. I had great intentions, really...I wanted the other person to come to a saving knowledge of God. I thought if I could just love them well enough, with a godly love, it would give them a taste of the love that everyone is searching for...the perfect Love of God. Love that accepts me just as I am, but doesn't leave me as I am. Looking back, I'm not so sure I was really loving with godly love, ha, I know I wasn't! On top of that the other person was never seeking the same kind of love I was trying to give. In dating relationships it helps so much if both people know, want, and offer the same love!!!
What is the difference between the world's love and true love? It all begins with what is offered. The person offering imitation love, simply offers himself and nothing more. Anyone can offer this: take interest in someones life, be charming, intriguing, loving, kind, sweet, thoughtful, and even good...for a while. Really anyone can come up with this love for/from themselves, because we were created to love, so we all know how to do it. It makes sense, bottom line, we all want to be loved for who we are, just as we are.
But is that love, really? Just another person? Can another person love enough just in themselves to satisfy? Obviously not, or I would've been satisfied with the 1st relationship I had. But in reality human love, itself alone, never satisfies. So no matter how much I loved, and no matter how much he loved me, it was never enough. It always eventually ended up in sin, seeking a satisfaction that can never be found in someone else alone. The other person & his love alone was never enough!
After seeing this pattern, I can see so clearly that true love can never end with the person offering it. This obviously is where Jesus comes into my little ramble equation. There is more to love than just another person and what they have to offer in themselves. Everyone, including me has a natural tendency for life/love to revolve around me. So when two people with life/love revolving around themselves seek to be completely satisfied in each other, they will go to desperate lengths to quench a thirst that is humanly impossible to satisfy. The woman at the well was in her 5th relationship and still was not satisfied, until Jesus came to her. I can't love that way, I can't accept another human as Christ can, I can't love as He can. I, in and of myself alone can't love that perfectly! I just don't work that way, I'm sinful, I can't do it, no matter how hard I try. So knowing this, I, in love, must push the other person to look beyond me to a more perfect love-Jesus' love, for the relationship to work. It's only God's perfect love that can change my center from me to Him, making me want others to love Him more than I want them to love me. Also, If I am trying to show someone God's love, by pushing them to look past me to God, and yet they think my love alone will satisfy them, it will never work. This is why both people have to speak the same love language. If a person doesn't know God and doesn't know His love, then he will always be seeking God's love from people and things that can't satisfy.
It's only the all satisfying, perfect love of God that will hold anyone in a relationship. If the other person is not pushing me to love God more than himself, it will never work. If he is trying to fulfill me, it will never work. If he is seeking his fulfillment in me, I will never be able to satisfy. It's only God who can offer that perfect, all satisfying, fulfilling, thirst quenching love. No one else can! If the love in my heart for someone does not flow from the fountain of God's love, then my love for that person will run dry, it won't last. The only real love is love that pushes me not to love the person himself, but pushes me to love the God they love. Real love from a person is weak, open and humble, showing faults, sins, shortcomings, therefore not boasting themselves, but boasting/offering beyond themselves to a more perfect love, Jesus. If all I have to boast is myself, then really how far can the relationship go, how long can it really last, with just myself to offer?
Real love... is someone desiring that I fall more in love with Christ, not himself! He will boast Christ's love, not his own, He will offer Christ's love & grace, because he knows he doesn't have that perfect love to offer, he will cling to the ultimate love, the cross and not human love, he will seek to satisfy his heart in God & push me to quench my thirst in God's love, not his.
If I am loving really, then I won't settle for letting someone think I am the end all be all of love, but will know I have nothing to offer, and instead will point them to the God who has everything to offer...perfect, satisfying, thirst quenching love in Jesus.
Whew! I hope all that rambling made some kind of sense! ;)
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Open, Broken Honesty
This week I have been reminded, yet again, how extremely vital it is to live an open life. For 24 long years I only lived an outside facade of what I knew a Christian 'should' look like. Where did I come up with that crap anyways?!?!?! I knew the right things to say, do, how to act in order to be accepted in the Christian community as a devout believer. ha! And although this might crush some toes... sadly, it worked for all those years! Honestly, in a lot of Christian circles, anything less than the polished, perfect Christian look is not accepted and not tolerated either. How screwed up is that?!
That is just sad/frustrating & somewhat funny to me now, because while I was presenting that polished, have it all together, outward veneer, the inside was steady throwing a tantrum, screaming ugly ugly words, and rebelling against 'the look' that I was putting forward. "This is not who I am!!!" is what I was screaming from the inside and would eventually show it outwardly. But for the longest time I just simply didn't listen to all that went on in my heart, because what's in there, well honestly, just wouldn't conform to my polished have it all together Christian look. I have realized over the past year that holding together that outward facade is so tiresome! I am exhausted, which naturally makes a huge crack in the veneer, because I can't do it anymore.... praise God!
I still at times, out of fear, revert back to trying to hold up that facade... but I am seriously praising God that it i so much harder to attempt these days. I don't even have the energy to try and put it up anymore, and I suck at it now, which is such a good thing! ha! So most of the time these days, what ya see is what ya get! :)
So I was thinking of the contrast in the two the other day and the effects they have on me. As I strive to live an open, broken, honest life, fighting to be who I am, a sinner, right where I am in life, in my walk with God, in my day to day struggles...I can see the blessings/curses of the two types of life. This is not the Gospel by any means, but it sure is making an enormous difference in my life! Here are just a few...
Polished Facade:
1. extremely tiring
2. hypocritical, fake, not real, b/c I was trying to be someone I was not
3. self righteous, b/c I think I'm doing a pretty good job of having life together, hahaha! That's just funny!
4. sets me up above others & makes me unapproachable
5. idolatrous - sets myself up as my own God in my mind, striving to be something I can never be, for my own glory
6. makes others feel unworthy and sinful, imagine that?! as if I am any different!
7. shows off me only
8. takes constant effort to keep together, because my sin & brokenness always find a way to leak out
9. hinders my walk with God - how do I expect to be myself with God when I can't even do it with other humans!
10. always a failure - b/c there is no way to live up to the perfect polished standard look of Christianity that I had set before me and others
Open, Broken Honesty:
1. life giving and freeing
2. actually feel love from others, b/c people are truly seeing who I really am. They are not loving my facade, but instead seeing me and if they too are honest believers, then they will be able to love me, faults and all
3. honest/truthful - I don't have to worry about getting caught doing something sinful, b/c everyone can see that I already am! haha!
4. opens me up for relationships - b/c I am honest about my brokenness, others feel comfortable around me being the sinners that they are too.
5. shows forth my weaknesses, in order to show off God. How can others see God if they can't see past my own self-proclaimed perfectness? If others can easily see my sin, they are more likely to see past me to the grace/love of God that keeps me going.
6. brings a lot more joy in life, being able to accept myself for who I am.
7. keeps me real before the throne of God, b/c I'm not pretending to be better than what I am, as if He falls for that mess anyways!!! ha!
8. gives the ability to accept others where they are, b/c I see I'm not perfect either
9. have a lot more free time - time to actually live & enjoy life, instead of fretting hours over how I am appearing to live
10. keeps me humble before the Lord in my true state of brokenness, but yet accepted by Him at the same time.
Now I know this really sounds like I know what I'm talking about, and have this open, broken honesty thing all worked out! Haha! I so don't! I struggled with it just this past week. But this is the first time I have been able to see how it works for good in my life. I have seen fruit from being open and honest, and have been used in the lives of others. Yeah, I know! shocked me too! So obviously it wasn't me, it was the Lord's love and grace flowing through a broken vessel.
How do I get these crazy things all messed up in my head and heart?!
My word, I have a long long long ways to go... praise Jesus for His patience and long suffering abounding love to this mess of a glorious sinner!
That is just sad/frustrating & somewhat funny to me now, because while I was presenting that polished, have it all together, outward veneer, the inside was steady throwing a tantrum, screaming ugly ugly words, and rebelling against 'the look' that I was putting forward. "This is not who I am!!!" is what I was screaming from the inside and would eventually show it outwardly. But for the longest time I just simply didn't listen to all that went on in my heart, because what's in there, well honestly, just wouldn't conform to my polished have it all together Christian look. I have realized over the past year that holding together that outward facade is so tiresome! I am exhausted, which naturally makes a huge crack in the veneer, because I can't do it anymore.... praise God!
I still at times, out of fear, revert back to trying to hold up that facade... but I am seriously praising God that it i so much harder to attempt these days. I don't even have the energy to try and put it up anymore, and I suck at it now, which is such a good thing! ha! So most of the time these days, what ya see is what ya get! :)
So I was thinking of the contrast in the two the other day and the effects they have on me. As I strive to live an open, broken, honest life, fighting to be who I am, a sinner, right where I am in life, in my walk with God, in my day to day struggles...I can see the blessings/curses of the two types of life. This is not the Gospel by any means, but it sure is making an enormous difference in my life! Here are just a few...
Polished Facade:
1. extremely tiring
2. hypocritical, fake, not real, b/c I was trying to be someone I was not
3. self righteous, b/c I think I'm doing a pretty good job of having life together, hahaha! That's just funny!
4. sets me up above others & makes me unapproachable
5. idolatrous - sets myself up as my own God in my mind, striving to be something I can never be, for my own glory
6. makes others feel unworthy and sinful, imagine that?! as if I am any different!
7. shows off me only
8. takes constant effort to keep together, because my sin & brokenness always find a way to leak out
9. hinders my walk with God - how do I expect to be myself with God when I can't even do it with other humans!
10. always a failure - b/c there is no way to live up to the perfect polished standard look of Christianity that I had set before me and others
Open, Broken Honesty:
1. life giving and freeing
2. actually feel love from others, b/c people are truly seeing who I really am. They are not loving my facade, but instead seeing me and if they too are honest believers, then they will be able to love me, faults and all
3. honest/truthful - I don't have to worry about getting caught doing something sinful, b/c everyone can see that I already am! haha!
4. opens me up for relationships - b/c I am honest about my brokenness, others feel comfortable around me being the sinners that they are too.
5. shows forth my weaknesses, in order to show off God. How can others see God if they can't see past my own self-proclaimed perfectness? If others can easily see my sin, they are more likely to see past me to the grace/love of God that keeps me going.
6. brings a lot more joy in life, being able to accept myself for who I am.
7. keeps me real before the throne of God, b/c I'm not pretending to be better than what I am, as if He falls for that mess anyways!!! ha!
8. gives the ability to accept others where they are, b/c I see I'm not perfect either
9. have a lot more free time - time to actually live & enjoy life, instead of fretting hours over how I am appearing to live
10. keeps me humble before the Lord in my true state of brokenness, but yet accepted by Him at the same time.
Now I know this really sounds like I know what I'm talking about, and have this open, broken honesty thing all worked out! Haha! I so don't! I struggled with it just this past week. But this is the first time I have been able to see how it works for good in my life. I have seen fruit from being open and honest, and have been used in the lives of others. Yeah, I know! shocked me too! So obviously it wasn't me, it was the Lord's love and grace flowing through a broken vessel.
How do I get these crazy things all messed up in my head and heart?!
My word, I have a long long long ways to go... praise Jesus for His patience and long suffering abounding love to this mess of a glorious sinner!
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Dee Dah Bday
If you haven't read the book, The Life You've Always Wanted by: John Ortberg... ya need to buy it now! :) It's that good.
Chapter 4 is solely dedicated to joy in this life. It really puts life in a whole new perspective, and also gave me a new perspective on how God views joy and is joy. For me, I have never seen God as joyful.... that is as foreign to my mind/heart as dinuguan (pork blood soup) was to my mouth in the Philippines. Trust me the two didn't get along well!
Seeing God as joyful and creating us to be joyful in this life is a very new concept for me. The new idea clicked for me in kids, which the book describes as well. Most kids aren't weighted down yet by the cares of a fallen world, tragedies, standards, fears, social injustices and responsibilities. They are just simply joy lovers! Kids want to play, play, and play some more. I can see this in my neice and nephew, and after reading that book, I want that same unadulterated joy they have in life. The kind that after simply bouncing her in my arms on Sunday, Raney said, do it again. So of course... I did. Then it came time after time, do it again, do it again, do it again. Hearing her cute little laugh, seeing her giggling and having fun gives me joy as I watch her full of life and joy.
Somewhere along the road my view of a 'godly spiritual' life took a detour and ended up where joy was a sign that I was being rebellious and not obeying God. I am seeing this is soooo very wrong! And since then I have made an effort to make time for joy and even days of joy...Dee Dah Days... ya gotta read the book! :)
One of those days was my birthday, which was this past Saturday. The week leading up to my birthday was a week from hell. It only seemed to get worse and worse even right up to Saturday... almost as if there was an invisible war waged against me experiencing joy on my birthday.
Well, all I can say is God truly is the God of joy, because I had such a joy filled birthday, which in the surrounding circumstances, without a joyful God intervening, would have been impossible! And intervene He did!!!
It truly was a Dee Dah Bday...just having my parents there to share my special day was such a blessing. The simple fact that they were here, not in the Philippines, travelling, or gone, and were able to physically be there Saturday and Sunday gave me great joy! Spending the morning with my mom, my best friend, was a gift from God and brought amazing joy. Having precious friends & their kids that I could fellowship with, play with, laugh with, talk to...brought such joy. Having my family over with my adorable babies (that aren't so much babies anymore) brought me so much joy!
Looking back I am amazed at what a wonderful Dee Dah Bday I had. I'll have to admit, I think it was my best yet! There wasn't anything big and spectacular about it...no big overdone, overspent parties, no fanciness...it was the simple, small, personal, heart ways that God gave me joy that made it so amazing! Maybe that means they'll only get better and better and more and more joyful in the years to come! Lord knows I could use more joy from day to day. I think maybe we all could! I think that will be my birthday wish/prayer... that God would increase my capacity to enjoy Him and to experience an ever growing abundance of joy in life from year to year.
I am so thankful for my Dee Dah Bday... it truly was a blessing from Him, the Creator of joy!
Chapter 4 is solely dedicated to joy in this life. It really puts life in a whole new perspective, and also gave me a new perspective on how God views joy and is joy. For me, I have never seen God as joyful.... that is as foreign to my mind/heart as dinuguan (pork blood soup) was to my mouth in the Philippines. Trust me the two didn't get along well!
Seeing God as joyful and creating us to be joyful in this life is a very new concept for me. The new idea clicked for me in kids, which the book describes as well. Most kids aren't weighted down yet by the cares of a fallen world, tragedies, standards, fears, social injustices and responsibilities. They are just simply joy lovers! Kids want to play, play, and play some more. I can see this in my neice and nephew, and after reading that book, I want that same unadulterated joy they have in life. The kind that after simply bouncing her in my arms on Sunday, Raney said, do it again. So of course... I did. Then it came time after time, do it again, do it again, do it again. Hearing her cute little laugh, seeing her giggling and having fun gives me joy as I watch her full of life and joy.
Somewhere along the road my view of a 'godly spiritual' life took a detour and ended up where joy was a sign that I was being rebellious and not obeying God. I am seeing this is soooo very wrong! And since then I have made an effort to make time for joy and even days of joy...Dee Dah Days... ya gotta read the book! :)
One of those days was my birthday, which was this past Saturday. The week leading up to my birthday was a week from hell. It only seemed to get worse and worse even right up to Saturday... almost as if there was an invisible war waged against me experiencing joy on my birthday.
Well, all I can say is God truly is the God of joy, because I had such a joy filled birthday, which in the surrounding circumstances, without a joyful God intervening, would have been impossible! And intervene He did!!!
It truly was a Dee Dah Bday...just having my parents there to share my special day was such a blessing. The simple fact that they were here, not in the Philippines, travelling, or gone, and were able to physically be there Saturday and Sunday gave me great joy! Spending the morning with my mom, my best friend, was a gift from God and brought amazing joy. Having precious friends & their kids that I could fellowship with, play with, laugh with, talk to...brought such joy. Having my family over with my adorable babies (that aren't so much babies anymore) brought me so much joy!
Looking back I am amazed at what a wonderful Dee Dah Bday I had. I'll have to admit, I think it was my best yet! There wasn't anything big and spectacular about it...no big overdone, overspent parties, no fanciness...it was the simple, small, personal, heart ways that God gave me joy that made it so amazing! Maybe that means they'll only get better and better and more and more joyful in the years to come! Lord knows I could use more joy from day to day. I think maybe we all could! I think that will be my birthday wish/prayer... that God would increase my capacity to enjoy Him and to experience an ever growing abundance of joy in life from year to year.
I am so thankful for my Dee Dah Bday... it truly was a blessing from Him, the Creator of joy!
Monday, June 8, 2009
God Who?
Recently I have been thinking through who I think God is. As I began this process I quickly realized that I have a lot of wrong veiws of who God is. In fact I'm not sure that I have many right ones! That was very very hard to grasp after thinking that I knew Him for so long now.
Although it's really not that hard to believe that a sinful human being could have the wrong picture of God's nature and character. Honestly, will my mind ever be able to wrap around who God is completely, I don't think so! But at this point in my life I am seeking to find out who He truly is, instead of settling for what I thought I knew.
It's amazing to me how life shapes us, our views, and our images of who God is. We are all fallen and broken people and so it shouldn't surprise me, but in my life, I am constantly amazed at how I have taken life experiences and made them truth.
As I've been sifting through all of my wrong views of who God is, I've felt at a loss sometimes... I mean seriously, it's a huge thing to all of the sudden try to change my view of God, after having the same incorrect view ingrained in me for 27 years? When an ingrained image has shaped who I am for this long, it's a very difficult thing to unpack, dismantle, tear down, reverse, undo, reshape and re-learn. And on top of it I feel like I am going upstream against the norm of how I have lived my life all these years. Breaking this God mold out of my mind has been one of the most challenging things in my life, this far :) Simply because the image that I grew up with has shaped my personality, my behaviors, my relationships, my thoughts... I'm talkin this is super deep... my God image touches every fiber of my being. And so it feels so overwhelming to undo all that has been done.
And honestly sometimes the work before me is so overwhelimng and seems so difficult that I just stop trying for days at a time. Thankfully, the Spirit is at work, even when I'm not, because I am always brought back around to working on it over & over & over again.
I also am thankful for precious godly friends that gently push me, when I am in my overwhelmed, not moving forward days. It is such a blessing to have a those true godly friends...that love the Lord and me enough to risk the comfortable/easiness of friendship in order to speak truth to my heart, gentle rebuke, or humble wise counsel...despite what my reaction may be to it.
So not too long ago one of my blessings pushed me. She simply pointed out that I needed some sort of truth to combat all the ingrained lies that swarm in my head all day long. She pushed me to find just one verse, or a couple, that would help to disarm and fight against my second nature, gut level view of God.
As I thought about that... I wanted something that wasn't from the mouths of men. I know the whole Bible is Spirit breathed... but I wanted something straight from the mouth of the God who I am seeking to know. I figured, if I am going to hold on to one verse to fight against all these bazillions of lies, it's gotta hold some super heavy weight and come from the Man Himself!
So the Lord brought to my mind the passage in Exodus, when the God of the universe passed before Moses on Mount Sinai as an answer to Moses' request, 'Please show me your glory". So God shielded him in the cleft of a rock, covered him with His hand, and passed before him showing Moses only His back as He declared the glory of who He is while He passed by.
In my mind that holds weight!
This is what the LORD declares of Himself in showing His glory...
"The LORD, the LORd, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness, keeping steadfast love for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, but who will by no means clear the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children and the children's children, to the third and fourth generation." -Exodus 34:6-7
I am so thankful that in my weak struggle to search for who God truly is and to break down all the ingrained lies I know, He is constantly fighting for me to know the Truth of who He is. Even on days when I don't have the desire to seek... He shows me, whether I'm seeking or not. Each day, one slow step at a time, one layer of scales falling off my eyes at a time, He is patiently showing me that who He truly is goes completely against who I've always thought He was.
Praise His Name that His character does not change or conform to my boxes, molds, ingrained lies, wrong teachings and small limited human knowledge.
Exodus 14:14 - "The LORD will fight for you; and you have only to be silent."
Although it's really not that hard to believe that a sinful human being could have the wrong picture of God's nature and character. Honestly, will my mind ever be able to wrap around who God is completely, I don't think so! But at this point in my life I am seeking to find out who He truly is, instead of settling for what I thought I knew.
It's amazing to me how life shapes us, our views, and our images of who God is. We are all fallen and broken people and so it shouldn't surprise me, but in my life, I am constantly amazed at how I have taken life experiences and made them truth.
As I've been sifting through all of my wrong views of who God is, I've felt at a loss sometimes... I mean seriously, it's a huge thing to all of the sudden try to change my view of God, after having the same incorrect view ingrained in me for 27 years? When an ingrained image has shaped who I am for this long, it's a very difficult thing to unpack, dismantle, tear down, reverse, undo, reshape and re-learn. And on top of it I feel like I am going upstream against the norm of how I have lived my life all these years. Breaking this God mold out of my mind has been one of the most challenging things in my life, this far :) Simply because the image that I grew up with has shaped my personality, my behaviors, my relationships, my thoughts... I'm talkin this is super deep... my God image touches every fiber of my being. And so it feels so overwhelming to undo all that has been done.
And honestly sometimes the work before me is so overwhelimng and seems so difficult that I just stop trying for days at a time. Thankfully, the Spirit is at work, even when I'm not, because I am always brought back around to working on it over & over & over again.
I also am thankful for precious godly friends that gently push me, when I am in my overwhelmed, not moving forward days. It is such a blessing to have a those true godly friends...that love the Lord and me enough to risk the comfortable/easiness of friendship in order to speak truth to my heart, gentle rebuke, or humble wise counsel...despite what my reaction may be to it.
So not too long ago one of my blessings pushed me. She simply pointed out that I needed some sort of truth to combat all the ingrained lies that swarm in my head all day long. She pushed me to find just one verse, or a couple, that would help to disarm and fight against my second nature, gut level view of God.
As I thought about that... I wanted something that wasn't from the mouths of men. I know the whole Bible is Spirit breathed... but I wanted something straight from the mouth of the God who I am seeking to know. I figured, if I am going to hold on to one verse to fight against all these bazillions of lies, it's gotta hold some super heavy weight and come from the Man Himself!
So the Lord brought to my mind the passage in Exodus, when the God of the universe passed before Moses on Mount Sinai as an answer to Moses' request, 'Please show me your glory". So God shielded him in the cleft of a rock, covered him with His hand, and passed before him showing Moses only His back as He declared the glory of who He is while He passed by.
In my mind that holds weight!
This is what the LORD declares of Himself in showing His glory...
"The LORD, the LORd, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness, keeping steadfast love for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, but who will by no means clear the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children and the children's children, to the third and fourth generation." -Exodus 34:6-7
I am so thankful that in my weak struggle to search for who God truly is and to break down all the ingrained lies I know, He is constantly fighting for me to know the Truth of who He is. Even on days when I don't have the desire to seek... He shows me, whether I'm seeking or not. Each day, one slow step at a time, one layer of scales falling off my eyes at a time, He is patiently showing me that who He truly is goes completely against who I've always thought He was.
Praise His Name that His character does not change or conform to my boxes, molds, ingrained lies, wrong teachings and small limited human knowledge.
Exodus 14:14 - "The LORD will fight for you; and you have only to be silent."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)